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There might be some truth to the adage 'you never fully get over your first love,' according to research

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  • New research shows that our first sexual experiences influence subsequent romantic endeavors. 
  • We are instinctively drawn to various physical features and sensory cues that are reminiscent of our first partners. 
  • Accordingly, the 'type' of partner you naturally choose may influenced by your first love. 


Your first sexual partner may have more to tell you about your spouse or current lover than you may think. Although this may sound surprising to you, studies have shown early experiences play a role in who we choose as a sexual partner.

Imagine you're single. It is a warm summer Saturday night in the city. You're in a club, drink in hand, freshly paid and feeling great. As the music plays in the background while your gaze meanders across the bar, you spot the most beautiful and sexy person you have ever seen. Close your eyes for a few seconds and think: How do they look?

Most of us have a type (or sort of) when it comes to a sexual partner. But our "type" can also vary and change throughout our lifespan based on our experiences. Scientists have shown repeatedly that several factors influence our ideal mate.

I work in the the lab of James G. Pfaus, in the Department of Psychology at Concordia University. We wondered if your first sexual partner can determine how you choose a current sexual partner, and if so, how and why.

Our research shows that our first sexual partners can influence our current choices of sexual partner. In order to study first sexual experiences, our lab works with rats, because - believe it or not - the way they have sex is remarkably similar to ours.

The mechanisms behind this phenomenon

Everything we experience is processed by our brain. Our nervous system is equipped with a psychological and biochemical infrastructure that allows us to learn about our environment and experiences.

Perhaps the name Ivan Pavlov rings a bell to you? Pavlov, a Nobel Prize winner, discovered that in anticipation of being fed, dogs would salivate to the sound of a bell, by establishing an association between its sound and the food if both cues had been previously paired.

Similarly, humans are equipped with a nervous system that shares the same learning mechanisms. This helps to explain why you experience that pleasurable sensation when you open a can of beer on a hot day, or why just "talking dirty" can trigger sexual arousal in the form of genital blood flow.

Partner features such as height, hair colour and body dimensions, along with contextual cues such as your bed, a bar, the time of day or day of the week are the bell, and sexual gratification is the food. This is how we learn things about sex: Moulding our type, and also how and when to have sex, along with what to do, with who and even why.

So how could your "first" have anything to do with your current lover?

Our study: Lingerie and perfume on rats

It has been shown that male rats can be trained to associate a sexually receptive female and the sexual reward from intercourse with a neutral odor cue worn by the female, like a perfume. When paired enough times, the male rat will develop a preference for this female over an unscented female.

With this in mind, in our study, we manipulated the first experience of these male rats by allowing them to copulate with a receptive female. Later on, we trained them to prefer females that wore perfume.

Finally we tested their preference — allowing them to copulate freely with two females: One bearing the perfume and their "first." What we found is that males did not show a preference for their current partner (the female with the perfume), unlike in the other groups who only copulated with scented females.

In other words, although male rats tend to develop a partner preference for their current partner, once they were presented with their first partner we were able to interfere with that learned preference.

This shows that their first sexual experience can have a profound effect in partner preference.

Furthermore, we wondered if this was specific to olfactory cues. Therefore, when we swapped the odor cue for a jacket (yes, rat lingerie!), similar results were found, meaning the rats preferred their first partners — wearing jackets — over the ones that did not wear jackets.

The experiments show that rats can "learn to associate sex with a variety of contextual cues, including the texture of clothing," indicating that sexual fetishes are at the base of the same learning mechanisms.

From the present, to the past, to the future

These findings do not capture all the complexities of partner preference choices, nor suggest that one is a prisoner of the past choices when it comes to choosing a sexual partner or a spouse. However, they shed light on how we form a type.

There may be a pattern your past can explain, and to a certain extent, who you choose as your future partner. There are an infinite number of factors or features by which we choose as a mate.

Although the findings clearly support our conclusions, it's important to mention that some rats still preferred their current partner, or even none of them. That means, like rats, different people will have different preferences, and will be influenced by first experiences differently.

If you're wondering if these results could be applied to other sexual orientations other than heterosexual, the answer is yes. Although the results were conducted between male and female rats, the same learning mechanisms apply to people who are homosexual, queer and every hue in colourful rainbow of sexual orientations.

Our type and preferences are unique and incomparable. There is simply no right or wrong — even if you believe you don't have a type. As long there is consent and respect, how, where, when, who or even why we choose to sleep with someone should not matter to anyone but you and your partner.

Whether your current partner or spouse resembles your "first" or not, it is clear that we learn things from our past experiences, and sex is no exception.

SEE ALSO: Psychologists explain why texting in relationships is so incredibly complicated

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Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are separating after 2 years of marriage

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  • Jennifer Aniston and husband Justin Theroux announced their separation on Thursday.
  • The two made the announcement in a statement to the Associated Press. 
  • Aniston and Theroux were married for over two years. 
  • They decided to end their relationship late last year, but say they "look forward to continuing our cherished friendship."

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux are parting ways. 

The two announced in a statement to the Associated Press they're separating.

According to the statement, the decision "was mutual and lovingly made at the end of last year."

Aniston, 49, and Theroux, 46, were married in August 2015. They dated for seven years.

"Normally we would do this privately, but given that the gossip industry cannot resist an opportunity to speculate and invent, we wanted to convey the truth directly," said the statement from Aniston's publicist Stephen Huvane.

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The pair says they are "two best friends who have decided to part ways as a couple, but look forward to continuing our cherished friendship."

Theroux is known for his role on HBO's "The Leftovers," which recently ended its series run June 2017.

Aniston was previously married to Brad Pitt for five years before they divorced in 2005

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Jennifer Aniston and her ex Brad Pitt are both suddenly back on the market — and people are having a field day with it

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Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt relationship Twitter memes

  • Shortly after it was revealed that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux separated on Thursday, Twitter users quickly realized that for the first time in years, Aniston and ex-husband Brad Pitt are both suddenly back on the market.
  • Pitt and Aniston were married from July 2000 to October 2005. 
  • Pitt and Angelina Jolie went public with their relationship in 2006 and got married in August 2014. Jolie filed for divorce in September 2016.
  •  With Aniston and Pitt single, many Twitter users are hoping they'll rekindle their relationship or they're just having fun with the idea.


It was recently announced that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have separated after being married for more than two years, and now Twitter users are having a field day with memes about Aniston and Brad Pitt rekindling their relationship that ended in 2005. 

Despite Aniston and Pitt's other relationships since splitting in 2005, people on Twitter are reeling at the thought of the former couple reuniting. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Naturally, some of the memes referenced Aniston's time on the hit NBC show "Friends."

 

And everyone still remembers that one time when Pitt guest starred on an episode of "Friends."

Some people just felt overwhelmed by the news, and the possibility of Aniston and Pitt getting back together. 

 

But others believe that Aniston shouldn't get back together with Pitt, since it has been speculated that Pitt cheated on Aniston with Jolie.

 

In fact, the last thing that some people want is an Aniston and Pitt reunion.

 

And others think that the more important thing is Aniston being with someone who truly appreciates her.

Aniston and Pitt's history dates back to the early 2000s, when they were a huge power couple in Hollywood

They were married from 2000 to 2005, and many people are under the impression that his involvement with Angelina Jolie in the 2005 movie "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" is one of the reasons why the couple split.

Pitt and Jolie then went public with their relationship the following year and got married in 2014. In 2016, Jolie filed for divorce from Pitt.

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The 10 worst foods to order on a first date

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Lady and the Tramp spaghetti

  • First dates are stressful and certain foods can make you feel 10 times more anxious.
  • Avoid bubbly drinks unless you want to be burping all night and steer clear of cocktails unless you want to forget it all.
  • If you're worried about how your breath smells, stay away from anything with garlic or onions. 

There is nothing wrong with being prepared for a first date. You have the perfect outfit, the perfect itinerary, and the perfect restaurant. Here are some tips and tricks to ensure you don't peruse the menu for 30 minutes or ruin that movie moment first kiss with gross onion breath.

1. Spaghetti

It is inevitable that at some point in your spaghetti bowl, you will have to resort to the eating technique of slurping, which will just remind your date of when Michelle Tanner ate her way through little Italy. Word to the wise, "Lady and the Trampin' it" is a myth.

2. Ribs and wings

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When the waiter offers you complimentary extra napkins, it should be an immediate red flag. Any food that requires you to use enough napkins to destroy a national park forest is a no-go-zone. 

3. Customized salads

There is nothing wrong with ordering healthy on a date, BUT don't come off as that health freak who changes ranch to their lightest vinaigrette and asks for the bleu cheese on the side. Ranch is delicious, so make this first date your cheat day PUH-LEASE IN THE NAME OF LOVE!!!

4. Garlic and onion

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Avoid garlic and onions like the plague. Need I say more? If you're trying to go home with your date later, you won't, because of your pungent breath. Even gum can't help you now.

5. Vegetables loaded with fiber

Avoid garlic and onions like the plague. Need I say more? If you're trying to go home with your date later, you won't, because of your pungent breath. Even gum can't help you now.

6. Processed meat

processed meat

Processed meats are definitely another no-go-zone. If you're at a baseball game, I'd say 100% go for the girl next door look and order a hot dog. But otherwise, eating processed meats recreationally on your dates will lead to bloating, and bloating leads to ... bloating. 

7. Obnoxiously expensive foods

Don't be the date trying to show off. Nine out of 10 dates will find it unappetizing and uncomfortable. Always remember, modesty is key with the bottle of wine order.

8. Corn on the cob

Corn on the Cob

Just no. Don't eat corn on the cob in the missionary position, don't eat corn on the cob standing up, just don't eat corn on the cob. Okay, promise? It'll get stuck in your teeth and leave you panicking for the nearest toothbrush. 

9. Sparkling drinks

Bubbles lead to burping. I advise you to stick with still as one drink is not worth the regret you'll feel after pulling a Buddy the Elf.

10. Cocktails

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As far as ordering a drink, I highly recommend, in fact, encourage getting a little liquid courage in your system. Stick to still over bubbly and wine/beer over liquor. You don't want to be blacked out telling your date what beautiful babies you'd make.

There you have it! The do's and don'ts to make your date smitten and to ensure you get that Rachel and Ross perfect first kiss. You are so welcome. I'll be eagerly awaiting your wedding invitation!

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New research reveals that 70% of people in relationships are keeping other romantic options on the 'back burner' — here's what that means for your dating life

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  • In a recent study, it was found that over 70% of people had several "back burners"— a romantic partner they will turn to if their first option doesn't work out. 
  • Even people in a relationship have an average of five back burners and regularly maintain contact with them. 
  • The number of back burners a person has is not relative to their level of commitment in their relationship, as it varies person-to-person. 


Single? Maybe there's someone you've been texting regularly whom you realize you want to ask out on a date.

In a relationship? You might start thinking that your current flame is your one and only.

But no matter what your relationship status is, if you're like the average young adult, chances are you've also been chatting with other potential partners, or back burners. These aren't people you're cheating on your partner with. Instead, they're prospects you keep in touch with just in case your number one option falls through.

Shocked? You shouldn't be. Researchers have long known that people commonly keep tabs on the availability and suitability of other potential partners. But what once required a furtive phone call or some face-to-face catching up is now doable with the swipe or a click of a digital device.

Smartphones have made it possible for both singles and those in committed relationships to keep up with relationship alternatives — so easy, in fact, that more than 70 percent of our sample said that they had at least one back burner.

Research inspired by 'me-search'

In our study of college students, singles averaged about six back burners, while those in committed relationships averaged almost five. What's more, people seem to be able to distinguish back burners from other options — for example, crushes we're quietly attracted to, but don't act on.

In other words, these prospects we regularly stay in touch with are in their own separate category.

It's certainly not a new phenomenon. What we call back burners were once the people listed in one's proverbial "little black book."

But researchers have only recently begun to study their prevalence and how they operate within the context of other relationships.

In our case, the experiences of Jayson inspired the study. As a graduate student, he was single and happy to mingle.

It happened at a typical campus hot spot — he met a woman, they hit it off, and they traded phone numbers. And every couple of weeks or so, a text message from one to the other would be exchanged: "Hey, stranger, how are you?"

The idea wasn't to dive into a full-blown romance, but to fan an ember, to keep a faint glow, because — as comedian Chris Rock famously said— "You never know."

So the study of back burners was born. And it came at a time when scholars were already taking note of new ways people were navigating romantic and sexual relationships. (Consider, for example, the way that "hookups" and "friends with benefits" have become part of the mainstream vernacular.)

Keeping your options open

Our research suggests that many people keep back burners even when they're already committed to someone else.

But does having lots of back burners mean we feel less committed to our romantic partners? One relationship theory suggests that commitment is determined, in part, by the quality of one's romantic alternatives.

With this in mind, we predicted before gathering the data that the more back burners someone has, the less committed they should be to their partner.

Surprisingly, the number of back burners people reported did not predict how committed they were to their partners. We can't infer how committed people are just by knowing how many back burners they may or may not have.

What might this mean? Of course, this is only one study, so more research is needed to determine how reliable this finding is.

But we have some theories. For example, back-burner relationships today are easier to hide and sustain. Facebook friends lists can be hidden, phone contacts can be given different names, and direct messages can be deleted. Contrast this to older forms of communication, like the family landline telephone.

Similarly, we wonder if smartphones create a situation where people are able to separate their online communication from their offline lives.

Some evidence already suggests that the contours of face-to-face interactions/relationships don't always apply to online communication. Maybe texting with back burners over a mobile phone creates a layer of distance that allows the admirer to still maintain a strong, devoted relationship with his or her partner.

Do they mean a doomed relationship?

One obvious question we haven't addressed yet is whether back burners are harmful to relationships. You might think that if someone's excited about or thinking about other potential partners, the relationship he or she is in isn't great to begin with.

We don't have a firm answer to this question yet. We know that the practice of keeping an eye on alternatives is common (and probably a part of human evolution). So it's hard to condemn the behavior at that level.

But people don't always communicate with their alternatives. For a person to be a back burner, communication is necessary. So maybe this ups the ante. Our research showed that people in general don't tell their partners about their back burners, which suggests that they may feel some uneasiness about getting caught.

At the same time, we found that the number of back burners people communicate with electronically says nothing about how committed they are to their current partner.

We also need to keep in mind our sample: college students. We don't know how this plays out in, say, older married couples. Anecdotally, we've heard married individuals talk about a person or two whom they would probably end up with if their spouse died. But this hasn't been tested in a scientific setting.

So maybe it's still too early to sound the alarm until research can tell us more. Still, it would be interesting to know the point at which those with back burners decide to turn up the heat, how they use digital devices to do it, and what it means for our current relationships.

SEE ALSO: Your first love could have a big impact on who you date later in life, according to science

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The alleged reason Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux split is a cautionary tale for any couple

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Actors Jennifer Anistor (L) and Justin Theroux attend the 21st annual Critics' Choice Awards at Barker Hangar on on January 17, 2016

  • Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux confirmed they have separated in an official statement.
  • An anonymous source reportedly told ET that the couple's disagreements about where to live was a major part in their decision to break up.
  • Psychologists and relationship experts say that discussions around long-term goals, along with where you want to live, should be discussed prior to marriage.

 

After seven years of being together — two of which they were married — actress Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux have decided to split. The news came out Thursday from an official statement by the couple to the Associated Press. 

"This decision was mutual and lovingly made at the end of last year. We are two best friends who have decided to part ways as a couple, but look forward to continuing our cherished friendship," the statement read. 

While no reasons for the breakup were listed in the official statement, an anonymous source spoke to ET, suggesting a major reason for the separation is the couple's inability to decide where to live together. 

While Aniston allegedly prefers Los Angeles, "[Theroux] much prefers being [in New York], and that's been a major issue for them for a long time," the source told ET.

Whether or not the story of their coastal tensions is true, it brings an important lesson for any couple to the surface: Talk about where you're willing to live well before tying the knot.

"If you don't deal with an issue before marriage, you deal with it while you're married," Robert Scuka, executive director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement, told Eleanor Stanford in the New York Times' viral 2016 article 13 Questions to Ask Before Getting Married.

One of the questions the article suggests asking a partner is "How do you see us 10 years from now?" to help resolve current conflicts while ultimately working towards your larger-picture goals, including how and where you want to live.

Licensed clinical psychologist Andrea Bonior, Ph.D., also suggests discussing expectations about where you want to live with your partner. "When one person has a solidified vision and the other wants to stay open or changes their mind, that can spell disaster," she wrote in Psychology Today.

Where you want to live is only one element of planning a life together. As Business Insider previously reported, other important questions to ask your partner before getting serious (or married) include:

  • Do you want kids?
  • How much debt do you have?
  • How do you feel about divorce?

They're all hard conversations to have — which is why they're so important.

SEE ALSO: The 19 most shocking celebrity breakups of all time

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There's a simple trick called the 'bar test' for deciding if someone is right for you — here's how it works

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  • Internet dating, too many choices, and bad luck all make finding the right person a challenge.
  • One way to tell if you're into someone or not is by trying out the "bar test."


Sometimes when you're with someone, you just know it's working. Other times, you might need a bit of encouragement to come to the right conclusion. After all, you don't to waste your time on someone who's wrong for you.

Finding a partner is even more complicated because of how prolific online dating has become. While it gives us the chance to meet a whole range of new people, it can also make us too picky, meaning ultimately we end up missing out on opportunities.

According to marriage counselor Robert Maurer, one way to cut to the chase on a first date is by asking your partner how they are still single. However, other dating experts completely disagree.

A potentially more fail safe method is the "bar test." It was coined by Erika Ettin, dating coach and founder of dating site "A Little Nudge," and it's a simple way to work out if your heart is really into it or not.

"As simple as this may seem, I call it the 'bar test' to know if you're with the right person," she told Business Insider. "When you're at a bar (or restaurant, wherever) with your new partner, are you looking around to see who else is out there or who might see you two together? Or, are you perfectly content with your partner, and you want everyone there to notice you with him/her?"

According to Ettin, if it's the latter, then they've passed the test. It works the other way around too — if you see your date looking around and assessing their options, that's probably a sign they're not that into you.

SEE ALSO: Relationship experts say these are the 9 signs the person you're dating is right for you — and some are surprisingly simple

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Trump supporters have their own dating websites now — and they're already sparking controversy

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The dating game has become more political than ever. A 2016 Tinder study found 71% of online daters consider political differences to be a dealbreaker.

And now, two online dating sites — Trump Dating and TrumpSingles — have arisen to indulge one side of that growing divide.

The two sites brand themselves as exclusively for supporters of US President Donald Trump, but they're not quite the first of their kind. Politically focused sites catering to Republicans and Democrats seeking love have sprung up in the past. There was even a site for singles who were "feeling the Bern".

And conglomerate IAC — which owns Match.com and a slew of other dating services — caused a stir in 2016 when it locked down the URL "TrumpPeopleMeet.com," though it hasn't used the domain to set up a site yet.

But the language used by one of the two sites has recently sparked controversy.

Trump Dating draws criticism for offensive categories, liberal-bashing

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The Wisconsin Gazette reported that Trump.Dating previously hawked its intent to "deport liberals from your love life," although that boast has since been taken off the front page. In fact, the front page doesn't make much mention of Trump at all — aside from its name and branding.

It does feature a blurb on the polarization of American politics, and bemoans the fact that, "While searching for a potential partner on other dating sites, it's not uncommon to see messages like No Trump supporters or Proud liberal."

Trump Dating also attracted criticism for striking an anti-LGBT tone right off the bat. When you kick off the process of starting a profile, you get two options for labeling yourself — "straight man" or "straight woman."

Yet according to Trump Dating's rather strange drop-down menus, married people are welcome. For a relationship status, the site offers options like "have a significant other,""happily married," and "unhappily married."

The ethnicity options also seemed oddly specific. In addition to the typical categories, the site includes choices like "Scandinavian,""Polynesian,""Eastern European,""Western European,""Mediterranean," and "Eskimo," a term used to label the indigenous people of Alaska, Canada, and Greenland that is considered offensive and inaccurate.

Like many dating sites, Trump Dating also wants to get a sense of how you look. It asks about your eye and hair color, and your body type. The latter section gives you options like "tight and toned,""few extra pounds,""big and beautiful," and "big and handsome."

Once you've set up your profile, you can start to get more specific about your interests and personal details. Interestingly enough, the MAGA-themed site also gives you the option of labeling yourself a "liberal" or a "moderate liberal."

The interests section — which doubles as the "attributes you'd seek in a date" category — includes some fairly standard boxes, like "movies/videos,""wine tasting,""fitness/exercise", and "nightclubs/late night." It also features "military men/women,""country western,""police/firefighters," and "single parents" as check-boxes.

But if you'd like to ask a fellow Trump supporter out for "covfefe," you'll have to drop some cash and upgrade in order to message them.

Premium memberships cost $13.95 for a six month plan, $17.95 for a three month plan, or $24.95 for a one month plan. You can, however, "wink" and request to meet people for free.

TrumpSingles promises to 'make dating great again'

TrumpSingles_com_ _Making_dating_great_again_

TrumpSingles, on the other hand, promises to "make dating great again," but doesn't include much messaging on its front page.

The site took forever to load. Once you're in, it asks you if you're searching for "fun,""whatever,""dating", or pursuing a "like-minded friendship."

The dating site boasts an expensive age range — you can hone in on suitors from ages 20 to 92. It also asks you to define your body type as either "slim,""average,""athletic,""a little plump," or "big and lovely."

Both sites were riddled with accounts that used cartoons or stock images as profile photos.

SEE ALSO: 4 tips for landing a date with the Republican or Democrat of your dreams

DON'T MISS: Inside the marriage of Donald and Melania Trump, who broke up once before, reportedly sleep in different bedrooms, and are weathering rumors of his affairs

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NOW WATCH: 'These women deserve to be heard': Ohio Rep. Tim Ryan says Congress should investigate sexual misconduct allegations against Trump


We're dating but we have totally different views on money — here's how we make it work

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  • It is essential to comprimise when it comes to shared finances in a relationship. 
  • It is a good idea to split the cost of necessities, such as bills and groceries, down the middle — but to spend your own surplus money as you please.
  • Make a savings plan together, so that as a couple you can start planning financially for the future.  


Managing money is hard. It's even harder if you're in a relationship and your partner doesn't always agree on how to do it.

When my boyfriend, Rob, and I started dating, we worked the same job for the same company and had similar paychecks and lifestyles. Because of this, we split bills down the middle while keeping our accounts separate, even after we moved in together. Over three years and several career changes, the gap in our incomes began to grow, as did our everyday spending. We had to get real about our money habits — fast. Here's how we meet in the middle.

Our views on spending

She Says: My family jokes that we "spend money to save money." Basically that means wait for what you really want and spend a little extra for higher quality. Then you won't have to repair or replace. I feel in control of my budgeting, so I like to make bigger "investment" purchases where it's worthwhile.

He Says: I've had difficulty staying level-headed about my financial stability, especially in recent years. I'm either down in the dumps and feel self-conscious about my money history, or I'm elated about my bank account's status and drop a significant amount on Amazon — because I deserve it, right? I know how to budget for the things I need (like rent and medical bills), but I'm sometimes overconfident pulling the trigger on the "wants."

Our Compromise: For shared expenses — rent, groceries, meals out — we do our best to live within both our means. We don't have any joint accounts and each control 100% of the money we make. We stay on top of joint bills, but spend our own extra money however we choose.

Our views on saving

She Says: During my first job out of college, I deposited a set amount from every paycheck into my savings and retirement accounts. Everything else, I spent on fun, like triathlon training and solo travel. However, I worked seasonal and hourly jobs for years and never really considered having a financial backup plan. I only recently made it back to a salary that allows me to save in a more meaningful way. That means emergency fund first, fun second.

He Says: Either my parents never thought to teach me about saving money, or I never heard them. I only ever saved my weekly allowance if it didn't cover the latest movie ticket or video game (but once I earned the needed amount, you can bet those "savings" were gone). Once I had to pay my own rent in college, any extra income always went toward my social life or a hobby. Now that I'm older, I wish I had a safety net. Instead, any extra income today gets tightly budgeted for medical bills and daily expenses. I have high hopes for regularly contributing to a savings account in the next year or two.

Our Compromise: Given we're both working to improve our saving habits, we're patient when it comes to making big purchases.

Our views on credit

She Says: I was taught early on that building credit was important for my finances. I got my first credit card in college: a low-limit card from USAA in my name that was attached to my dad's membership. Over years of careful use, I was approved for several more credit cards, as well as a car loan. I treat my credit as though it's part of my cash flow, meaning I pay off my balance each month and stop charging if my paychecks won't cover purchases.

He Says: I didn't know about my bad credit until I tried to get my first credit card at age 25. A student loan my parents took out in my name had fallen into default, and the only option for me was a $200 secured card from my bank. My credit score was 460. At the time I really didn't understand what a low score could mean, and I avoided learning how to fix it. I've struggled with the concept of credit ever since, but I'm slowly improving my score.

Our Compromise: We're now on the same page about credit in general, but we each use it differently. I put more expensive buys like furniture, plane tickets and doggy day care on my cards because I have a higher limit. He charges day-to-day spending like groceries, coffee and social events. We settle up monthly on these shared expenses to make sure we're splitting equally.

What we've learned about managing money together

We're continuously taking steps to reconcile our money differences. Here's what we do:

Pick a date each month to review your finances, budget, and settle up if necessary. We pay our rent on the 1st of every month and go over other bills on the 15th. Spacing out major expenses keeps our financial stress in check.

Have more frequent, honest conversations about money. Finances are one of the leading causes of stress in relationships, and it's often easier to ignore the issue than to answer the tough questions. We try to be more open, without judgment, about what we can and can't afford.

Not everything has to be split in half. We've always divided bills 50/50, but that won't make sense for every couple. For example, if one person earns significantly more, he or she may contribute a higher percentage of joint expenses. We no longer stress over splitting equally when one of us has an unexpected financial emergency like medical bills. Instead, we're more open to managing money collectively.

SEE ALSO: 3 podcasts that could make you better with money

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7 positive lessons you learn when you leave a toxic, abusive relationship behind

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  • Breaking up is hard. Breaking up with someone who has abused you is even harder.
  • You will feel confused and traumatised for some time.
  • It's not all terrible though — distance will make you realise you're stronger.
  • Trauma doesn't stay with you forever, and there are actually several positives from what you went through — even if you're still hurting.


A common misconception about moving on from an abusive relationship is that the trauma stays with you for life. Even if you end up in a great relationship, you may still be lost in your old one, unable to fully let go.

In reality, this is usually simply a sign you haven't moved on yet. Breaking up with an abusive person is hard, and it can take people months, or even years, to fully recover. But that doesn't mean it's impossible.

Perpetua Neo, a doctor of psychology and expert who works with women who are healing from damaging, toxic relationships, said if you sort through your pain, work out what demons you have that resulted in you being attracted to a bad person in the first place, then the magic begins.

"The narcissist didn't want you to gain anything from being with them, but actually you ended up taking everything and becoming stronger," she told Business Insider. "One thing people I've worked with find is that they gain a fuller, more whole version of themselves after leaving the narcissistic ex."

You will probably be in agony for a while, because your body has essentially been addicted to the intermittent love the abuser gave you. But in time, you will realise that you are so much stronger, resilient, and capable of finding someone who isn't going to discard you for being you.

Here are seven lessons you can take away from the traumatic experience of loving a toxic person — and the strengths you gain from moving on:

1. Using empathy as a superpower

Empathy can be both a gift and your kryptonite. Neo said if you have too much empathy for others, it can mean you start to honour someone else's story over your own. If you do this all the time, it can lead to an "empathy burnout," meaning you give and give, but begin to lose any care for yourself.

"We forget that we need to nourish ourselves first and foremost before we can nourish somebody else," Neo said. "So in this sense, after the break-up, people start to use empathy as a superpower, and think of empathy as this burden, like: 'Why do I go for people who tell me their sob stories?' Then after that you realise you don't need to take on everybody else's energy."

2. Boundaries are healthy

The more time that passes, the more you will realise how troubling the way you were treated was. Becoming very clear about your boundaries means you have a better idea of the kind of person you really are. You also know what you are willing to tolerate, and you will be better at realising who will and won't respect you.

"Boundaries are the 'hell nos' in our life, and sometimes we don't feel like we have permission to say 'hell no,'" Neo said. "Once we are really clear about what our boundaries are, and we stop seeing them as bad things, we actually get very clear about what is unacceptable. From then I can trust myself to have as much fun as possible, because I've communicated my line already."

3. Gain a new perspective

In life, we are all subjected to ideas of how we are supposed to act. Some people will be more influenced by them than others. For example, films often clearly convey some of the power dynamics we are exposed to.

In "The Little Mermaid," Ariel falls in love with a prince and, in order to be with him, she grows legs and gives up her voice. In "Star Wars," Han Solo grabs Princess Leia inappropriately. In James Bond films, notorious for their misogyny, Bond forces himself on female characters such as Pussy Galore.

"What does that say to girls watching films like that?" Neo said. "When we keep watching this stuff about inappropriate behaviour, we stop understanding what acceptable behaviour is."

Coming out of an abusive relationship can give you a new perspective about what you might have looked over in the past while you thought you'd met the love of your life. If you run into a person in the future who you think might hurt you, or acts in a way that makes you uncomfortable, you'll find you're more able to take a stand, Neo said.

4. Dealing with difficult people gets easier

Realising your own boundaries in romantic relationships helps you out in other walks of life too. You'll be able to say "here's my line, do not cross it" to people in your family, friendship group, and even at work.

"Our voice is our sense of autonomy — if you can't express what you want more of and what you want less of, or nothing of, then you're not going to build a sense of solidity," Neo said.

"Maybe your boss isn't a narcissist, but they're a bit selfish and caught up with their own world. And then if you're an over-giver, you're going to give more than your colleagues — so you'll get burned out and exhausted by it.

"So once you are very clear about all this and you practise your boundaries, you will find you have a lot more energy."

5. You become more resilient

Being with a toxic, abusive person can make you feel like you are being mentally broken over and over again, Neo said, because they always move the goal posts and demand more and more from you. She said living that sort of life will show you just how resilient you really are, and bring forward the strengths you never knew you had.

"You know he tried to break you once and you're not going to break again," Neo said. "It's this ability to bounce back from adversity or difficult events. When it comes to trauma sometimes people believe that it's going to stay in your for the rest of your life, and nothing is going to shift. But you bounce back and recover and become a stronger version of yourself."

A traumatic experience like an abusive relationship will change you, Neo said, and you will feel totally broken for quite a while. But once the fog starts to lift, and you see it for what it really was, you fix yourself so you're indestructible.

6. The urge to help others increases

Neo said once your energy stops being completely focused on your pain, you'll begin to realise that you are not alone. You're not the first person to be taken advantage of, and you won't be the last, as these sorts of people seek out new victims time and time again.

When you understand this, you won't be able to let it go. Neo said many of her clients have gone on to help at women's shelters and written about their experiences on blogs.

Instead of being insular and sad, you will get a new lease of life, Neo said, and want to spread your message. You'll realise just how important your story is to people who might be going through the same thing. You might even be able to prevent it from happening to someone else.

It's incredibly difficult to notice the signs of a narcissist, or an abuser. This is because they are highly skilled masters of smoke and mirrors. Only when you have hindsight will you be able to see through the mask.

By having the gift of hindsight you can help others you think might be in trouble, even if that is just by being someone they can talk to.

7. You can identify the red flags

There are a number of red flags that someone isn't a good person to be around. It may be something obvious, such as rude behaviour, but a lot of the time the signs are pretty subtle.

Looking back and gaining perspective on a damaging relationship helps you identify the traits that drew you towards that person in the first place. Perhaps they were mysterious and captivating, and they ended up being a narcissist. Meeting someone else who makes you feel the same way your abuser did at the beginning is a code red.

"That's your body's way of telling you someone is bad for you," Neo said. "As you become stronger and much wiser you become discerning, and that's not a negative. Then you can own the fact you are discerning, that makes you pretty damn formidable."

SEE ALSO: People often stay in abusive relationships because of something called 'trauma bonding' — here are the signs it's happening to you

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NOW WATCH: Why North Korea sent hundreds of cheerleaders to the Olympics

Women are more attractive in groups than when they're alone because of something called the 'cheerleader effect'

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  • Research shows that women seem more attractive when they're in a group compared to when they're alone.
  • It could be because when people look at a group, their brains average out the faces they see.
  • This psychological trick is known as "the cheerleader effect."


When you ask people who use dating apps about what turns them off, something that often comes up is "group photos."

One or two is fine, but the whole dating app thing is rendered pretty useless if you can't identify which person in a photo you're talking to.

However, there could be a subconscious reason some of us favour our group pictures. According to a new study, published in the journal Scientific Reports, women come across as more attractive when they are in a group, rather than when they're alone.

So, as well as making it look like you have friends and an active social life, that group picture might also give the impression you're better looking than you really are.

The scientists, from Flinders University in Adelaide, conducted two experiments to test out the theory, which previous researchers have dubbed "the cheerleader effect."

In experiment 1, participants were presented with photos of women in a group or alone. The results showed that the location of the other faces in the group, called "distractor faces," didn't impact the cheerleader effect, and women in the group were rated as more attractive.

Experiment 2 involved manipulating the location of the target faces themselves to the far left, right, or centre of the screen. Again, participants said the faces in the group pictures were more attractive and the person's location in the group had no impact.

"Together, our results show that the cheerleader effect is a robust phenomenon, which is not influenced by the spatial arrangement of the faces in the group," the researchers concluded.

Research from 2013 showed how the cheerleader effect could work. Drew Walker, an author of the study from the University of California, San Diego explained that our brain will tend to average out the facial features of everyone in a group, making each member of the group look more average than they would alone.

"Average faces are more attractive, likely due to the averaging out of unattractive idiosyncrasies," he said at the time.

You don't necessarily have to know the people you're standing with, either. Results of the study showed how people in collages of individual photos were rated as more attractive. As a result, you could seem just as attractive standing in a crowd of strangers as you do chatting to your friends.

"Thus, having a few wing-men — or wing-women — may indeed be a good dating strategy," the study concluded. "Particularly if their facial features complement, and average out, one's unattractive idiosyncrasies."

SEE ALSO: Men get an 'attractiveness boost' when other women fancy them — here's why

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A guy in a Black Panther costume proposed to his girlfriend during a screening for the movie — and the internet is in love

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  • A man proposed to his girlfriend right before a screening of Marvel's "Black Panther" Thursday night.
  • He couldn't stick around, though, because he didn't have a ticket.
  • The proposal shows that audiences don't just see "Black Panther" as another movie. It's a celebration.

 

Right before a screening of "Black Panther" Thursday night at Brooklyn's Alamo Drafthouse theater, someone donned a Black Panther costume, took out a ring, and proposed to his girlfriend.

The theater erupted in applause. Then he had to leave.

The man didn't have a ticket, according to Twitter reports, and surprised his girlfriend, who he knew would be at the screening with other friends. But he's still being honored on Twitter.

America has been treating the release of "Black Panther" like a celebration, as Teen Vogue pointed out, and the Alamo Drafthouse threw a party worthy of it. Before the screening, it hosted a drum performance and had a special menu inspired by pan-African cuisine.

Black Panther red carpet pre-screening at the Alamo!! Yaaaassss! #wakanda #Brooklyn #Blackpanther #blackisbeautiful #Africa

A post shared by Love (@ms_love_letta) on Feb 15, 2018 at 4:08pm PST on

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US skier Gus Kenworthy's kiss with his boyfriend at the Winter Olympics was caught on live TV — here's why he's so happy about it

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  • US skier Gus Kenworthy — who came out as gay in 2015 — recently competed in the men's slopestyle at the Winter Olympics.
  • Prior to his qualifying run, the 26-year-old kissed his boyfriend Matthew Wilkas.
  • Although the two-time Olympian didn't initially realize that NBC caught and aired the kiss, he expressed on Twitter that he's "so happy" the network did. 
  • "My childhood self would never have dreamed of seeing a gay kiss on TV at the Olympics but for the first time ever a kid watching at home CAN! Love is love is love."


Gus Kenworthy may not have medaled in the Pyeongchang Games, but he's still winning the hearts of many fans — including his "Seoul mate" Matthew Wilkas.

Prior to Kenworthy's qualifying run for the men's slopestyle on Saturday, the couple shared a quick kiss that was caught on camera. Olympic viewers were immediately enchanted by the exchange, sharing messages of support and LGBTQ+ pride on social media.

The two-time Olympian didn't realize that NBC had aired the intimate moment when it happened. Once he became aware of the news, he took to Twitter to share his happiness, as well as an important message about representation.

"Didn't realize this moment was being filmed yesterday but I'm so happy that it was," he wrote. "My childhood self would never have dreamed of seeing a gay kiss on TV at the Olympics but for the first time ever a kid watching at home CAN! Love is love is love."

Kenworthy's boyfriend, however, had a more nuanced approach.

"It was the tiniest kiss in the world. I could've made out with him had I known,"Wilkas joked with reporters. "I think it's positive, I think it's great exposure, a great thing for our community, but I also partly think, 'what's the big deal?'"

gus kenworthy boyfriend matt wilkas

Still, Kenworthy is happy to contribute to LGBTQ+ visibility at this year's games, especially since the 2014 silver medalist came out as gay a year after competing in Sochi

"That's what I wanted to do at the last Olympics, to share a kiss with my boyfriend at the bottom,"Kenworthy told Reuters. "To be able to do that, to give him a kiss, to have that affection broadcasted for the world is incredible. The only way to really change perceptions, break down homophobia, break down barriers is through representation and that's definitely not something I had as a kid."

In a separate tweet, Kenworthy opened up about his disappointing performance in the slopestyle finals, writing that "the Olympics aren't solely about the medals."

"Being here now, out and proud and living my life authentically, I'm walking away more fulfilled without a medal than I did at the last Games with one," he wrote. 

Although Kenworthy was originally concerned that he'd lose sponsors and friends upon coming out, he has since risen to bonafide icon status in the LGBTQ+ community

Kenworthy and beloved figure skater Adam Rippon are the only two openly gay athletes on Team USA— and have even made headlines for making comments against Vice President Mike Pence, who has been historically unsupportive of gay rights.

The Olympics have historically celebrated unity, and this year's encouraging displays of LGBTQ+ representation is an important addition to that mission.

Want more? Read all of our coverage of the Winter Olympics here.

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To connect with your partner, don't curl up on the couch — go on a double date

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  • Studies suggest that spending time with your partner and another couple is an easy way to improve your relationship.
  • Couples tend to enjoy the time they spend together with friends even more than they enjoy spending time alone together.
  • That's possibly because you can see those friends admiring your partner the way you once admired them (or still do).


Earlier this month, historian Stephanie Coontz published an op-ed in The New York Times about improving your marriage by acting like a single person.

One sentence jumped out at me: "Aside from having sex, which most of us prefer to do without outsiders around, people enjoy doing activities with their partner and friends together more than with only their spouse."

This wasn't something I'd heard before. In fact, it was antithetical to everything I'd heard before, about "date nights" and savoring QT with your QT (sorry).

As evidence, Coontz points to a 2014 study published in the journal Personal Relationships.

For that study, researchers recruited about 150 couples and had half interact with another couple they'd never met before. Half the couples in both groups engaged in small talk; the other half asked each other deeper questions.

Results showed that couples who interacted with another couple and asked each other deep questions showed the greatest increase in passionate love for their own partners at the end of the experiment.

The 2014 study extends the findings of a 2010 study, also published in the journal Personal Relationships. That study, which was smaller, found that couples who had meaningful conversations with other couples felt closer to their own partners afterward.

Data from the Sloan Center's Five Hundred Family Study at the National Opinion Research Center tells a similar story. As Pamela B. Paresky explains in a blog post for Psychology Today, "the highest-quality time couples spent together was the kid-free time they spent together with friends."

What gives?

Seeing other people laugh at your partner's old stories can remind you how great your partner really is

Coontz suggests that socializing with others lets each partner show off their strengths. She writes: "My husband tells great stories, but I've heard most of them and am not interested in hearing them again when we're by ourselves. When we're out with others, however, I urge him to tell away. Their positive reaction validates me as well as him."

Indeed, the 2014 study found that it wasn't self-disclosure (as in, revealing personal details to another couple) itself that predicted the increase in passionate love within couples. Instead, it was mostly the way the other couple reacted to those disclosures.

Ultimately, this research doesn't suggest you should never spend time alone with your partner. Especially in the early stages of your relationship — i.e. when you haven't yet heard the same stories 100 times — it makes sense to get to know your partner in a more private setting.

But once your relationship has progressed to a more serious phase, double dating can be a useful way to both stave off boredom and reignite your passion for each other.

Read the full op-ed at The New York Times »

SEE ALSO: 7 telltale signs you're in love, according to a scientist who's spent decades studying human relationships

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Ashton Kutcher says he went into the mountains and fasted for a week after splitting with Demi Moore — and it's an odd but potentially effective way to get over a breakup

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  • Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore divorced in 2013.
  • After the divorce, Kutcher went alone into the mountains and fasted for a week.
  • That might not be the best strategy to get over a breakup because it gives you lots of time to brood, and not many distractions.


Right after his divorce from Demi Moore in 2013, Ashton Kutcher took off for the mountains.

All he had with him were water, tea, a pen, and a notepad.

"I started hallucinating on like day two, which was fantastic," Kutcher told Dax Shepard on an episode of Shepard's podcast, "Armchair Expert.""I was doing tai chi with my own energy."

The post-divorce fast wasn't the first time Kutcher had experimented with alternative diets. While preparing to play Steve Jobs in the movie "Jobs," Kutcher copied Jobs' fruitarian diet for one month, meaning he ate fruit almost exclusively. Kutcher wound up in the hospital.

This time, hallucinations aside, Kutcher appeared to steer clear of the emergency ward. But it's unclear whether a solo retreat into the mountains — or the potentially more realistic week-living-on-your-couch — is the best way to recover after the end of a relationship.

We can't speculate beyond what Kutcher's said about his trek into the mountains, and everyone heals differently. But it's possible that isolating yourself completely the way Kutcher did would give you too much time and space to brood, and too few distractions.

Psychologist Melanie Greenberg writes in a blog post for Psychology Today that people getting over a breakup should "interrupt cycles of obsessive thinking and rumination. You may want to imagine a big red STOP sign when you start doing it, but don’t sit around moping about your ex."

And writer Katie Bogen, who experimented with multiple strategies to get over her own breakup, writes in Vox that reconnecting with friends was the single most effective way to feel better after her breakup — with investing all her energy in her work and career tended to be helpful, too.

Indeed, research suggests that brooding, in the form of simply journaling about your emotions surrounding the breakup, can make you feel worse— unless you're specifically writing about finding a silver lining in the experience.

Sometimes just trying to make yourself feel better after a breakup works

All that said, a 2017 study published in the Journal of Neuroscience suggests that, if you think a specific technique will help you feel better after a rough breakup, it probably will.

In that particular study, participants who used nasal spray and were told it would reduce their emotional pain indeed showed changes in their brain and reported feeling better. (In reality, the spray was a simple saline solution.)

Kutcher also used the solo time in the mountains to reflect on other relationships besides his marriage to Moore. He told Shepard that he wrote letters to every single person he'd been in a relationship with "where I felt like there was some grudge, some regret, some anything."

On the last day of the trip, he typed up the letters and sent them all. "It was like an AA [Alcoholics Anonymous] exercise," Kutcher said.

Listen to the full episode on Armchair Expert »

SEE ALSO: 5 common mistakes people make after a rough breakup

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The 8 biggest differences between dating in Japan and America

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  • Group dating is common until two people in the group establish that they want to get serious.
  • Declaring your love isn't jumping the gun — it's establishing that you're serious about starting a relationship.
  • Professional matchmaking is making a comeback among busy Japanese people who don't have time for dating.
  • If you're a non-Japanese person who is dating a Japanese person, don't assume that everything is a cultural difference. Some things are personality quirks, not cultural ones.

Let's face it: Dating is hard everywhere. Everyone who has ever dated anyone has their own tales of woe just the cultural differences that vary from place to place. If you have a mixed-culture group of friends where you live, you may already have witnessed the tip of this particular iceberg.

This is by no means a comprehensive guide, but here are some of the things you might experience on the dating scene in Japan.

Group dating is common

It's not uncommon in America to do things as a group of friends. Maybe you'll go see a movie, grab a bite to eat, go to a party — the potential list is endless. But most Americans go on a date in pairs rather than groups.

In Japan, group dating — or goukon — commonly happens first. It's a way to gauge mutual interest and suitability, as well as mix with a potential partner's friends.

You might think that this sounds low-pressure compared with American dating customs. But there's still plenty to stress about.

"Lots of young people don't really date because it can be expensive (for guys) and stressful — the women I know always worried so much about what kind of outfit to wear because it would affect the 'type' their date assumed them to be. Everything has a label here- there are so many different 'types' of men and women, girls and boys," Beth Daniels — an American who has lived and worked in Japan for several years — told INSIDER.



Declarations of love can come quite early

The practice of kokuhaku (confession of love and/or interest) often starts the Japanese dating process. This makes things simpler in a lot of ways according to Yumi Nakata of GaijinPot. Nakata was born and raised in Japan, and then moved to the US for school.

According to Nakata, with kokuhaku, you're not left wondering if someone is interested in you as a love prospect. Both men and women can be the first one to make a move, and you'll get an answer about whether your would-be object of affection is interested in you very quickly.



Public displays of affection may be common in the US, but not in Japan

"On my first date with my 'ex' we obviously clicked so I expected at least a little kiss at the station before we went our separate ways, but all I got was a stiff hug," Jen McIntosh, an American studying in Japan, told The Japan Times.

"I analyzed it to death and a friend who had been in a relationship with a Japanese man for three years told me that I was lucky to get a hug in a public place. I wasn't expecting to make out in front of everyone, but I did get irritated when he would never hold my hand or touch my knee on the train."



See the rest of the story at Business Insider

9 facial traits that make someone more attractive, according to science

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It's sometimes hard to pinpoint exactly what it is that attracts us to someone. It might be their confidence, or their sense of humour, or you might just like the way they look.

A lot of research over the years has gone into trying to work out what it is that makes us fancy each other. Results have varied, showing women may like the smell of men who have a particular kind of diet, and men may find women in groups more attractive.

Some research has suggested we often go for people who share some of the same characteristics we do.

We've looked at a number of a studies to try and get to the bottom of what makes us like the look of one person over another.

Here are 9 face traits that can make someone more attractive to us, according to science.

SEE ALSO: Love and obsession are two different things — here's how to tell them apart

1. Symmetry

Studies such as this one published in the Journal of Comparative Psychology, and this one published in the Journal of Evolution & Human Behaviour, have shown that in experimental conditions, men and women both prefer faces that are more symmetrical.

A study on identical twins found that the twin with a more symmetrical face was considered more attractive. Even macaque monkeys have been observed gazing longer at symmetrical faces than asymmetrical ones.

One conclusion scientists have reached to explain this is that in evolutionary terms, we may consider a symmetrical face a result of good health. Having a face that developed in a symmetrical way could show you have "good genes," because you developed more successfully in the face of environmental pressures when you were in the womb.

However, in 2014, research from Brunel University in London compared facial symmetry of about 5,000 teenagers, and found there was no correlation between symmetry and overall health.



2. Asymmetry

It's not an absolute rule, though. In fact, you can probably think of many celebrities you fancy who don't have symmetrical faces at all. Sometimes, like in the case of Milo Ventimiglia, a crooked smile is what adds to someone's charm.

In fact, absolute symmetry can make people look pretty weird. When attractive celebrities' faces are made to look symmetrical, they don't look quite right.



3. Averageness

People tend to like faces that are distinctly average, or those that resemble others in the general population.

In 1878, a paper in Nature first noted that a bunch of faces blended together was considered more attractive than those on their own.

One study, published in the journal Human Nature, argued it could be because average faces represent a more diverse set of genes, which is often a genetic advantage in fighting off illnesses and parasites.



See the rest of the story at Business Insider

A photographer pretended to be in love with strangers she just met — and the pictures say a lot about intimacy

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After years of swiping, scrolling, and double-tapping her way through an endless feed of "polished" posts, Marie Hyld found herself yearning for something real. So, camera in hand, the 24-year-old photographer set out to find it.

The product of her search is a breathtaking project titled Lifeconstruction, a series of photographs that show Hyld embracing, kissing, and spending time with various individuals. While their intimate poses may suggest that these people are Hyld's lovers or longtime partners, they're actually all strangers whom she met moments before each photo was taken.

We recently got in touch with Hyld to find out more about her project, which was first featured on Broadly Denmark. Take a closer look at her fascinating work below.

Editor's note: Some of the images below may be considered NSFW.

The photos in Hyld's series depict moments of intimacy that a couple may experience, from the sensual to the beautifully mundane.

Although Hyld posed with strangers, her pictures look surprisingly believable.



The number in the lower left corner of each image represents the amount of time Hyld spent with each person before the photo was taken.

Some of the pictures were taken in as little as 10 minutes after Hyld and the participant first met.



The idea behind this project arose out of Hyld's experiences on social media, which she found unfulfilling.

Hyld told INSIDER that she was tired of seeing the "same polished posts, pictures, and updates" online and on apps. When she realized she was "gasping for something real," Hyld decided it was time to take matters into her own hands.



See the rest of the story at Business Insider

A popular website for married people seeking affairs revealed why people cheat — and it isn't just about sex

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  • Ashley Madison is a popular website for married people seeking extramarital affairs.
  • An Ashley Madison survey found many people said they cheat to fulfill emotional needs, and not just sexual ones.
  • Some people surveyed said an affair makes them feel more alive, something relationship experts have also observed.


Ashley Madison — a popular website for married people seeking affairs — recently released data on why people cheat.

Of the more than 2,000 Ashley Madison members surveyed, 76% said they like having affairs to meet their sexual needs. And 61% said they're on the site looking for sex. Shocker, I know.

The more surprising finding here is that 37% of respondents said they liked having affairs to meet their emotional needs, and 44% said they were on the site looking for affection.

To be sure, it's hard to generalize these findings to the overall population. For one thing, more men than women have Ashley Madison accounts. And these are presumably people who are actively looking for affairs — not people who casually fall into them.

That said, these statistics do challenge the notion that affairs are all about sex — especially for men. And they jibe with some earlier research, such as a small 2012 study published in the International Journal of Sexual Health.

That particular study found that a lack of emotional satisfaction in your primary relationship and wanting emotional connection or validation from someone else were key reasons why people entered into affairs.

Interestingly, that study also found that men and women responded similarly to questions about their experiences with infidelity (though significantly more women than men participated in the study.)

Another common reason why Ashley Madison members said they liked having affairs? More than half said it made them feel more alive. That reminded me of observations from Esther Perel, a couples therapist and the author of "The State of Affairs."

When Perel visited Business Insider in October, she said affairs are often a "crisis of identity," and have little or nothing to do with the primary relationship.

Alluding to that feeling of "aliveness" that may come from an affair, Perel said many people are "longing to reconnect with lost parts of themselves, longing to transcend a sense of deadness that they are feeling inside, longing to experience a sense of autonomy over their life."

Bottom line: Infidelity is complicated, and even the person who cheats may not be able to identify one simple reason why they're straying. Though sometimes it may be just about sex, often an affair fulfills other, less obvious personal needs.

SEE ALSO: The surprising reason why people in perfectly happy relationships end up cheating

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Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux reportedly split because they couldn't agree on where to live — and couples can learn a big lesson from it

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jennifer aniston justin theroux

  • Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux recently announced their split after less than three years of marriage.
  • An anonymous source told Entertainment Tonight that the couple's disagreements about where to live reportedly played a major part in their decision to break up.
  • INSIDER spoke with two relationship experts about this "relationship deal-breaker"
    — and how everyday couples can address it, work through it, or prevent it altogether.


After seven years together — two of which were spent married — Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux announced their separation in a statement to the Associated Press. They claimed that the decision "was mutual and lovingly made," citing no concrete reason for the breakup.

An anonymous source, however, told Entertainment Tonight that distance may have triggered the end of their relationshipMore specifically, the couple couldn't agree on where to live. While Aniston allegedly prefers Los Angeles, "[Theroux] much prefers being [in New York], and that's been a major issue for them for a long time,"the source told ET. 

The couple allegedly made numerous attempts to compromise, including buying an apartment together in the West Village.

"He really wanted her to be comfortable [in New York]. He even negotiated with the paps to make a deal that they would only shoot her once per day and then leave her alone. He also agreed to move out of his apartment, which he loves," the source said. "She just never really could get settled in, she wasn't happy."

Unrelenting paparazzi and disgruntled neighbors spurred Theroux to move to Los Angeles instead, but he never managed to adapt to the new city and constantly found reasons to return to the Big Apple.

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A post shared by @ justintheroux on Aug 5, 2017 at 4:23pm PDT on

Although the source stressed that Aniston and Theroux have always loved each other, it seems as though the fraught bicostal lifestyle took priority in their marriage.

Disagreements over where to live can be a "relationship deal-breaker."

"If Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux broke up because they couldn't agree between living in New York and living in Los Angeles, the reality is that their hometowns were more important to each of them than being together was," said April Masini, a dating expert who helms the popular relationship advice forum "Ask April."

Masini speculated that making and sticking to their compromises could have saved their marriage.

"In every successful relationship, people compromise," she said. "In this relationship, if geography was the deal breaker, it's because geography became more important than being together was, and ultimately it wasn't the distance that broke them up. It was the inability for one or both of them to be in the same place at the same time."

Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux 2013 Oscars

Masini added that there is no right or wrong way for a couple to barter and bargain, "as long as there is enough compromise to make the relationship work."

Resources play a major role in a couple's ability to make distance work — and it can be a double-edged sword.

Masini said that money tends to create options, which can eventually foster "relationship pressure that most of us without those resources don't have and can't understand."

On the other hand, when a couple has the luxury of flexible schedules and ample travel money, like Aniston and Theroux, compromise can be much easier. With a combined estimated net worth of $240 million, it certainly seems that this couple would be better equipped to handle a multiple-home situation than most.

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Sameera Sullivan, matchmaker and CEO of Lasting Connections, told INSIDER that she is "99% sure the couple had other issues," because they were more than capable of seeing each other as often as possible — even while living on separate coasts.

"I'm sure they had other problems because you can always make it work. You can split your time evenly between two places, especially with the resources that they have," Sullivan said. "Financially, they're very well-off. So I don't think distance was necessarily the problem. It's not like either of them had to leave their jobs. With them, they can be very flexible and own two homes and spend time together on two different coasts. So I think it was a lot more than just the living situation."

Constant communication can help keep a couple's connection alive, despite distance.

In January, sources for both Us Weekly and People insisted that Aniston and Theroux's separate lifestyles actually help their relationship thrive. The couple simply "do their own thing a lot of the time," a source told Us Weekly. "They are both independent people and don't spend every minute together."

Aside from the obvious fact that, according to their statement, Aniston and Theroux had already split by the time those stories ran — Sullivan doesn't necessarily buy it.

"You get married so you can spend your life with your partner and share your life with them," she told INSIDER.

Justin Theroux and Jennifer Aniston 87th Annual Academy Awards

If distance is a temporary obstacle, Sullivan says that daily, meaningful communication can help a couple manage it.

"The most important thing is that before you go to sleep — if you're living in different cities and doing long-distance — talk to them on the phone at night. I think that keeps the relationship alive," she said. "Use FaceTime. Include the other person in your life. Throughout the day, if you're walking to work or something like that, take a picture. FaceTime them, say 'hi, I just wanted to see your face.' Keep in touch so that you both feel like you're a part of each other's lives."

Couples should discuss any geographical barriers before committing to a long-term relationship — especially marriage.

For two people that live in significantly different places, a "what should we do about our distance?" conversation is just as important as the classic "what are we?" conversation, according to Sullivan.

"When you're dating someone long distance and things start getting serious, and you feel like, 'oh my god, this is a great person, I'm really connected to them' — if you're having that conversation to be in a relationship, you need to talk about the distance," she told INSIDER. "Is one person going to move? Are they OK with moving? How's the job situation? Can they find a new job? Things like that."

jennifer aniston justin theroux wanderlust

Sullivan says that there's no hard-and-fast rule about when to tackle this issue — but if you can picture spending your life with another person, then these details are important.

"You can't just roll with the punches. If things are starting to get serious, you need to have a conversation about who can move if things progress. Being straightforward and honest with each other is a big piece of this working out," she said.

Although uprooting your life is generally unappealing for most people, ultimately, Sullivan believes that being physically with your partner is an important aspect of any long-term, healthy relationship. 

"I've seen people move across the country, I've seen people move out of the country to be with the people that they love," she said. "If you really care for someone, you'll move."

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