You can drive yourself crazy deciding whether to marry your partner.

Can you two really survive a lifetime together?

I mean, you adore them — but they constantly leave hair in the shower. They tell the worst jokes — but they're always there to comfort you after a hard day.

Perhaps it would help to turn to the scientific research, which has pinpointed specific factors that can make or break a romantic relationship.

Below, we've rounded up 15 nontrivial things you might want to keep in mind before hiring a wedding planner.

This is an update of an article originally posted by Drake Baer.

SEE ALSO: 10 myths about dating too many people believe

If you wait until you're 23 to commit, you're less likely to get divorced.

A 2014 University of North Carolina at Greensboro study found that American women who cohabitate or get married at age 18 have a 60% divorce rate, but women who wait until 23 to make either of those commitments have a divorce rate around 30%.

"The longer couples waited to make that first serious commitment [cohabitation or marriage], the better their chances for marital success,"The Atlantic reported.

The 'in love' phase lasts about a year.

The honeymoon phase doesn't go on forever.

According to a 2005 study by the University of Pavia in Italy, it lasts about a year. After that, levels of a chemical called "nerve growth factor," which is associated with intense romantic feelings, start to fall.

Helen Fisher, a psychologist and relationship expert, told Business Insider that it's unclear when exactly the "in love" feeling starts to fade, but it does so "for good evolutionary reasons," she said, because "it's very metabolically expensive to spend an awful lot of time just focusing on just one person in that high-anxiety state."

Two people can be compatible — or incompatible — on multiple levels.

Back in the 1950s and '60s, Canadian psychologist Eric Berne introduced a three-tiered model for understanding a person's identity. He found that each of us have three "ego states" operating at once:

• The parent: What you've been taught

• The child: What you have felt

• The adult: What you have learned

When you're in a relationship, you relate on each of those levels:

• The parent: Do you have similar values and beliefs about the world?

• The child: Do you have fun together? Can you be spontaneous? Do you think your partner's hot? Do you like to travel together?

• The adult: Does each person think the other is bright? Are you good at solving problems together?

While having symmetry across all three is ideal, people often get together to "balance each other." For instance, one may be nurturing and the other playful.

You're both in a foreign country, out of your comfort zone, and possibly having to deal with stressful situations. If you don’t want to end the trip filing for divorce you should avoid making the following mistakes.

1. Not planning the trip together.

Imagine if you wake up and your partner has already booked a session of aromatherapy, exfoliation, and oil massage. If the first thing that comes to mind is that you’re not sure you like mud on your face and that your feet are really ticklish, then something went wrong.

What if you had envisioned late breakfasts and mojitos by the pool all week, but your spouse had filled each day with several activities? And they had all been paid for? Sulking wouldn’t solve the problem.

Planning is a special part of the trip and if not done together, one half of the couple might not be happy with the other’s decisions. It’s also a good way to assess your expectations and plan it in a way that both agree.

2. Compromising and never exploring on your own.

Imagine you’re in Barcelona and your spouse comes to you excited when they find out Barca is playing that afternoon. “Who’s Barca?” is not really the reply they are expecting! You actually want to go to La Boqueria Market, but give in to keep them happy.

At the game, when you ask yourself for the third time “What the hell am I doing here?” You realize you regret your decision and start resenting them for that.

It’s okay to do stuff separately. You could easily have avoided the headache by going to market on your own and meeting later for tapas and sangria. Both of you would have had a nice time without making any compromise.

It’s good to remember that you’re not joined at the hip and that it’s healthy for each to have their own experiences. It’s not like you should never compromise, but if you really don’t want to do something, you don’t have to.

3. Believing it’s going to be perfect.

Shit happens when you travel. When your partner is having a violent bout of Delhi Belly, you’re going to see a side of them you wish you never knew existed. When they are considering wearing diapers, you know it’s the trip of lifetime!

You’re bound to have stressful situations. The way you and your spouse react to them is going to define if a small problem will ruin your trip or if you’re going to laugh it off and just enjoy the moment.

4. Not talking about money.

People don’t all have the same budgets and we all like to spend our money differently, so things can go sideways if a couple doesn’t talk about it before hitting the road. A person used to all-inclusive resorts might have a heart attack just at the mention of staying in a hostel.

You shouldn’t go into debt just to avoid the money conversation. If your partner loves you I’m sure you’ll find a middle ground where you both can have a nice time. You don’t have to stretch every dollar.

5. Not communicating.

At the end of the day it all comes down to communication. Before, during, and after the trip. Small annoyances tend to slowly build up and when you’re least expecting your significant other goes mental shouting, “If you bloody remind me again about what time it is, my head will explode!”

You don’t want that!

If they clearly aren’t good with maps and you’re fed up with getting lost, you should kindly say something and take charge. If you’re annoyed they spend too much on massages or cocktails, explain that you didn’t really budget for these things.

More often than not your spouse is completely oblivious to what’s happening and will happily oblige, saving both of you an unnecessary argument.

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The INSIDER Summary:

• Breakups suck. Traveling doesn't. 
• From Mephis to Osaka, there's a whole world calling your name.
• Spread your newly single wings and fly to one of these awesome travel destinations.

The holidays are a notorious culprit when it comes to breakups. Maybe it’s the added stress of spending so much time with family, the way the holidays force a kind of intimacy on couples who might not be ready for it, or just the definitive marker of the end of the year. Either way, it’s the broken hearted who deserve a trip, preferably one where you can commune with like-minded souls. Sure, Horace claimed that “the sky, not the state of mind changes, when people flee across the sea,” but Horace is dead. You’re alive. Heartbroken and depressed, but alive. At the very least, fleeing across the sea to one of these destinations will mean weeping someplace more interesting than your own apartment, and discovering that gelato is a more delicious alternative to Ben & Jerry’s.  

Jennifer Wright is the author of It Ended Badly: Thirteen of the Worst Break-Ups In History, which will put even your worst heartbreak in perspective.

Winchester Castle, Hampshire, England

Eleanor of Aquitaine was way ahead of her time, especially considering her time was the 12^th century. In 1173, she convinced three of her sons to revolt against their philandering father King Henry II. They were unsuccessful, and Eleanor spent the next fifteen years imprisoned at this castle.  She outlived Henry, though, and was liberated. When her son Richard the Lionheart went away on crusades, she ruled England in his place. Today, the castle’s recreation of a medieval garden is named after her. Considering that Henry’s mistress was known as “the rose of the world,” the grounds are hopefully filled it with a different kind of flower. It’s a reminder to hang in there—you’ll win out in the end.  

The Museum of Broken Relationships, Zagreb, Croatia

The worst thing about a break-up can be living among the ruins of the relationship. What are you supposed to do with her running socks? His not particularly beloved books? Or all the other stuff that doesn’t seem worth returning, but that you can’t quite bring yourself to throw out? You are going to donate it to the Museum of Broken relationships. The museum in Zagreb, Croatia is filled with “exhibits” sent in from people all over the world. They range from Teddy Bears holding “I love you” balloons to wedding dresses. Each item is accompanied by the former owner’s description of the object—so for instance, the Teddy Bear with the “I love you” balloon is accompanied by a descriptor that proclaims, ‘“I love you” – WHAT A LIE! LIES, DAMN LIES!’

Angelo Love Hotel, Osaka Japan

Maybe the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else. The Angelo Love hotel, which was featured in the documentary Love Hotel is one of 30,000 Japanese Love Hotels that cater to visitors’ most outlandish fantasies. In this case, that means themed rooms ranging from a boxing room to an animal room. There’s also sexy underwear that can be delivered to your room in pneumatic tubes. Rika, a dominatrix who works there, mentioned in the documentary that visitors “All have a common sense of loneliness and a dissatisfaction with their daily lives.” You’ll fit right in.

In 2015, Business Insider published a list of ways to make yourself more attractive.

We learned that walking a dog and playing good music are easy ways to give yourself a boost.

But lately we've been wondering: Aren't there things we're all guilty of doing that can decrease our attractiveness?

The answer is almost definitely yes. What follows is a list of common traits and behaviors that can make it harder to impress the object of your affection.

Read on and find out how you might be sabotaging your own sex appeal.

SEE ALSO: 13 science-backed ways to appear more attractive

Sleep deprivation

We generally look a lot less attractive after skimping on sleep.

In 2010, researchers took photos of people who'd slept for at least eight hours the night before and people who hadn't slept in 31 hours. Other participants rated the people in the photos on different criteria.

Not only were the sleep-deprived people perceived as more tired (obviously), but they were also perceived as less attractive, less healthy, and sadder.

Being mean

Do nice guys really finish last?

For a 2014 Chinese study, researchers had men and women look at photos of other people, all displaying neutral expressions.

Some of those photos were accompanied by the Chinese words for "decent" and honest"; the others were accompanied by the Chinese words for "evil" and "mean"; still others weren't accompanied by any information.

Participants ended up rating people least attractive when they were described as evil and mean.

Contractive body language

If you've heard about the "power pose," you know that expanding your body can make you feel more powerful and confident, while curling inward can make you feel less so.

According to 2016 research, that contractive body language can also make you seem less attractive. In one study, researchers created profiles for men and women on a GPS-based dating app. In one set of profiles, the men and women were pictured in contractive positions — for example, by crossing their arms or hunching their shoulders.

In the other set of profiles, the same men and women were pictured in expansive positions, like holding their arms upward in a "V" or reaching out to grab something.

Results showed that people in expansive postures were selected more often than those in contractive postures. And men pictured in contractive postures seemed to be at a special disadvantage.

The INSIDER Summary:

• Jasmine Teed thought she found the perfect travel partner — until he ghosted her.
• She went to Ireland and Iceland with a foam cutout that said "You could be here" to show him what he was missing.
• She loved Ireland so much she's planning to move there from Canada next year.

Jasmine Treed, 32, has a Restless Heart. She's traveled all over the world, for instance crossing Canada all the way to the Yukon, and living on the subarctic border of Quebec and Labrador.

Recently, she thought she had finally found a guy that could keep up with her and her travels — until he ghosted her.

But Treed took it in stride, embarking on her birthday trip through Ireland and Iceland with a foam replacement, and documenting their adventures on an Instagram account entitled @ucouldbehere.

You go, girl.

When Jasmine Teed started seeing a guy who loved travel as much as she did, she thought she might have found the travel partner she'd been looking for.

"We had known each other as casual acquaintances for three years, but I got to know him better this summer after he told me he was interested in me," she told INSIDER via email.

The week before their date, on which he planned to take her flying on a private plane, he ghosted her and never contacted her again.

She had been thinking of inviting him on her upcoming birthday trip to Ireland and Iceland.

Saying "I do" is more than just a commitment to share your life with someone, it's also a pact to share your finances. Once you walk down the aisle, every money-minded decision you make — from saving for retirement to going out to lunch — affects your partner as well.

While there's no magic formula for a successful marriage, there are steps any couple can take to increase their chances of a long and happy life together, starting with their finances.

Business Insider spoke with multiple financial experts about what successful married couples do with their money. Here's what they had to say:

They put their cards on the table

As soon as they get married — or ideally, before — successful couples show their entire hand to their partner. That means coming clean about their salaries, credit card debt, student loans, credit score, and anything else that might affect their financial future as a couple.

"They should sit down and have a very open and honest discussion about their money and what they have," Pam Horack, CFP and "Your Financial Mom" at Pathfinder Planning LLC, told Business Insider. "That's really the first place to start, just to make sure and get organized so that they each know what the other person has."

They talk about money — a lot

When it comes to synthesizing money and marriage, it doesn't matter so much what couples do with their cash, but that they make decisions together and respect each other's opinions.

"Be open and be honest," Katie Burke, CFP at Wealth by Empowerment, told Business Insider.  "I think that having a disagreement — agreeing to disagree — is not a bad thing. Because hearing what someone else has to say, it may or may not make sense to you, but it helps to have another side to something. Be patient and just hear someone out."

Just as each relationship is unique, each couple's financial situation is as well. Spouses should discuss joint banking accounts, who's paying which bill, and how they want to use any discretionary income as a team. At the end of the day, it's all about clear communication.

"It's knowing what the other person is spending on or saying, 'Hey, this other person has $200 a month that I don't know what they're spending on, and that's okay.' It's being okay and trusting that other person that they can spend their money on whatever," Horack says.

They work toward specific goals

Successful couples come up with goals together and check in frequently to make sure they're on the same page.

"While you may have different ways you handle your money on the day to day, when you know what you're both collectively working towards for the long term, you'll be able to make decisions that help you get closer to these goals," Pamela Capalad, CFP and founder of Brunch and Budget, told Business Insider.

Do you want to purchase a home together? Are you saving up for kids? How much of your paycheck should go toward retirement? Successful couples talk about where every dollar is being spent and retool their goals annually, Burke says.

They divvy up responsibilities

Whether or not you open joint accounts, as soon as you get married tasks like paying the rent or mortgage, utilities, retirement accounts, and other expenses and bills become the responsibility of both parties. Successful couples don't assume their partner will take care of certain aspects, they work together to divvy up financial responsibilities.

"Decide how you're going to handle the finances and who is handling what," says Capalad. "There is no right answer, but it's important to be on the same page and not let it default to one person or the other without having a conversation about it."

They buy enough insurance

The biggest financial mistake Sophia Bera, CFP and founder of Gen Y Planning, sees 30-somethings make is being underinsured — especially if they have another person depending on them, such as a spouse or children.

"In your 30s a lot of people have kids, a lot of people are married, have homes, our lifestyle is a little bit more expensive, and we're also responsible for other people," Bera told Business Insider during a Facebook LIVE. "And oftentimes we are underinsured in terms of term life insurance."

When couples bind their lives together, it doesn't just create an emotional bond, but a financial one as well. If something were to happen to either spouse, it's better to be safe than sorry and know the other person is taken care of.

Bera recommends getting a term life insurance policy that's seven to 10 times your salary — enough to be able to cover your income, pay off a mortgage, and take care of your kids if anything were to happen to you.

They create a will

Though often overlooked, estate planning documents, such as wills, are key factors in a successful financial future. As soon as they walk down the aisle, couples should think about naming beneficiaries, healthcare proxies, and powers of attorney. When kids come into play, it's important to name guardians for them as well, Burke says.

Not only that, but couples should update these documents at least every five years, as goals and circumstances can drastically change over time, Burke says.  

They don't judge each other

Everyone has different priorities, and part of operating within a partnership is to respect your partner's choices. That includes keeping an open mind if your spouse's spending habits differ from your own.

"Don't judge what your spouse spends their money on," Capalad says. "If you truly think your partner has a spending problem, then it's time to have an honest and loving conversation with them. If you're just annoyed that they spent money on something that you would never spend money on, then take a step back, take a breath, and give your partner the benefit of the doubt."

Horack agrees. She emphasizes the importance of trusting your partner and letting them spend money on whatever makes them happy, as long as it's not to the detriment of your finances overall.

They live below their means

Just because you can technically afford a $500,000 house doesn't mean it's the best choice for your family or your finances. Purchasing a home at the top of your budget ties up cash you could be putting toward other goals, such as travel, college funds, or retirement savings.

"Spend less than you think that you need to," Horack advises.

She emphasizes that "everything we have … it's all temporary." Will you downsize after your kids head off to college? How long will you have your car before trading up to a newer model? At the end of the day, many 'big' purchases aren't as permanent as they seem.

They don't hide anything from each other

Successful couples "never hide [money] from each other and they never use it as a point of resentment or as a weapon in a conversation," Capalad says.

From revealing their credit card debt to discussing day-to-day purchases, couples in successful marriages aren't secretive about money. They're open with each other about their spending habits and aren't afraid to own up to their mistakes, Horack says.

She warns that hiding money mistakes from a partner can lead to distrust and create bigger issues down the line.

They set ground rules

Melding your finances with another person's can be overwhelming. Your spending habits are no longer purely your own; they affect someone else as well. That's why it's crucial to decide how and when you'll spend, and create a set of ground rules for handling money that works for both you and your spouse.

"[You] need to figure out how [you're] going to budget, that's the biggest thing," Horack says. "There's no wrong way to do it, but [you] both need to agree on what the process is, who's paying for what."

They have a prenup

"To people who are considering marriage, I highly recommend a prenuptial agreement," Burke says. "Unfortunately, most marriages end in divorce. So why not have that conversation when you can have the conversation? Not necessarily who's going to get the house, but the financial side of things."

If prenup talk seems like too loaded of a conversation to have before the wedding, Burke suggests discussing a post-nuptial agreement instead, where couples create the document together after they're already married. It serves the same purpose as a prenup, but allows the couple to discuss their options without the pressure of their impending wedding.

Even if they decide against getting a prenup, it's smart for couples to at least have the conversation.

They have fun together

"Dealing with your finances in general will always be stressful at one point or another, but at the end of the day, money is a means to an end, and part of that end is being able to nurture your relationship," Capalad says.

Money can be a point of contention, but successful couples don't let it run their relationship. They don't make it the ultimate goal, they use it to fuel other goals.

"When you can find ways to remind yourselves why you're together in the first place, it makes all the smaller arguments seem much less important," Capalad says.

SEE ALSO: A financial planner reveals the best money habit for 30-somethings

DON'T MISS: The 'bad' money advice people need to stop taking, according to former Wall Street executive Sallie Krawcheck

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NOW WATCH: 5 facts about relationships everyone should know before they get married

So you've matched with someone on a dating app and now you're trying to figure out how to start the conversation.

Here's one piece of advice: Don't ask your match what they do.

Myka Meier, founder of NYC-based Beaumont Etiquette, which offers dating app etiquette classes, says starting a conversation by talking about jobs is one of the most common mistakes made by her clients — both male and female — who use dating apps.

Meier says that while work may seem like an appropriate and pertinent topic to start with, it can be viewed as "opportunistic" by some.

"A lot of feedback that both men and women in our dating courses give us is that it's almost like if you were to ask, 'so how much money do you make?' 'So how well educated are you?"'

Plus, Meier says that asking what someone does can sometimes lead to a dead end. They might say they're a lawyer, but not ask about your occupation. Then you're stuck.

Instead, Meier suggests starting the conversation with something that will help you get to know your match outside of their employer.

"It's about figuring out more about their personality at this stage, and that initial kind of chemistry — if you have that chemistry. You often just have a few pictures to play off of."

Meier says sticking to open-ended questions that focus on your match's background or interests is a better way to start things off.

Here are some example questions:

• Where are you from?
• What do you like to do on the weekends?
• Where do you live and what are some of your favorite spots in your neighborhood?

And if your match is only giving you one-word answers and not reciprocating your questions, maybe it's time to move on to the next match, Meier says. 

SEE ALSO: The 15 US cities where it's easiest to find a date

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We've all been there — the check arrives on a date, and there's that awkward deliberation of who should pay, or whether it should be split in half.

According to Myka Meier, the founder of NYC- based Beaumont Etiquette— which offers dating etiquette courses — there's one easy rule to follow when it comes to picking up the tab: whoever invited the other person out, and chose the place, should pay for the date.

Meier says that the person who does the inviting is the "host" in the situation.

She gives the hypothetical example of a third date, in which a man invites another man or woman to a more upscale restaurant and selects the wine they'll be drinking. Meier says it would be unfair for the man to expect his date to pay, since he may have selected a restaurant and wine that's not in his date's budget.

So if you're asking someone out, be prepared to pick up the tab as well.

In cases where it's not clear who invited who — the decision to go out and where to go was made by both you and your date — Meier says you should always offer to pay, and be genuine about your offer.

"You should always take out your wallet, not just say, 'oh would you like me to chip in for that?' because that puts that other person in a really awkward position to say, 'oh no it's ok,' or 'oh yes.'"

At that point, if your date insists on paying, then you can accept and thank them for that gesture. Some people may suggest splitting the check, in which case you can decide if you'd rather do that, or just pay for it yourself.

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Amy Cuddy, a Harvard psychologist, admits that dealing with conflict in her personal relationship creates a lot of anxiety. But she has developed a method to make those arguments more productive and beneficial.

How you argue is just as important as what you argue.

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The INSIDER Summary:

• Never ghost someone: instead, be direct and honest.
• Wait until the follow-up text to tell your date you're not interested in pursuing anything with them.
• If the subject comes up on the first date, then be upfront and tell your date then.

Telling someone that you're not as into them as they are into you is never easy.

But it's something that needs to be done — it's a lot better to be upfront and honest than to just ghost someone and hope they get the message.

Here's how Myka Meier, founder of NYC-based Beaumont Etiquette, which offers dating etiquette courses, suggests dealing with the touchy subject.

Meier recommends always sending a follow-up text after a first date— no matter how you feel about the person. This is also the ideal time to let your date know you're not interested in pursuing anything further.

She says you can start by thanking them for their time or for taking you out, and then you can say something along the lines of, "while I had a really nice time with you, I didn't feel the chemistry as anything more than friendship."

Meier says there's no reason to feel bad about not telling your date in person.

"You don’t necessarily owe someone a face-to-face if you’ve only met one time."

However, if your date asks if you'd like to hang out again while you're still on your first date, then Meier says it's important to come clean about your feelings then and there.

"If it does come up on the date, I think right then and there, be brave and just be honest, and say, 'you know, this has been really nice, but I just haven't felt the chemistry or the connection in terms of more than friends, but thank you so much for taking the time to meet me today.'"

Meier says there's no need for any further explanation. It's okay to keep your response short and simple.

However, no matter when you tell your date how you feel, it's important to be honest and give them closure.

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Given that I'm a journalist, and that I interview people on a regular basis, you'd think that "mindful conversation" would have been easier for me.

I was at Search Inside Yourself (SIY), a mindfulness workshop developed at Google and now offered publicly across the globe. For the exercise, participants worked in pairs (person A and person B) and were given the following instructions:

• A talks and B listens until a bell sounds.
• B responds with, "What I heard you say is …"
• A gives feedback and B responds until A is satisfied.
• When the bell sounds, A and B switch roles.

Participants were given a few prompts, including, "Describe a time when you overcame obstacles to be very successful/happy." Or, you could talk about something that had come up for you during a journaling exercise right before.

The key directive was this: While one person is speaking, the other person listens and can't interrupt.

This process can get awkward. My partner and I misunderstood the instructions and switched to the second step before the bell sounded — but this probably happened because it was challenging to keep talking for several minutes while the other person was completely silent.

The "aha!" moment came during the second step, when I tried to give some coherent feedback based on what my partner had told me about her experience journaling. Maybe (probably?) she was just being nice, but she told me I'd made a connection she wouldn't have made otherwise, giving her some new insight into her personal values.

This exercise struck me as good — maybe even necessary — practice for any journalist. Instead of using the time while your source is speaking to formulate your next question, it's important to really listen to what they're saying and give some feedback, to make sure you fully understand what they're trying to communicate.

Perhaps more importantly, this exercise is good practice for being a functioning human being. The goal is to have less superficial interactions, to instead have interactions that leave you feeling like you and your conversation partner really understood each other — and maybe even helped each other introspect.

One participant at SIY said she felt like she'd made a strong connection with her partner through the mindful conversation exercise, like she had a "new best friend."

At the same time, I imagine it could get super uncomfortable when you use this tactic in real life. Like when you're talking to someone new at a networking event and restrain yourself from interjecting, even with a simple "No way!" or "Me too!" Or when you pause silently after they've finished speaking, to see if they want to say more.

I also imagine that this process gets easier over time — even during a single conversation.

In the days that followed SIY, I tried to implement this strategy during interviews and conversations with friends and coworkers. Mostly, I forgot to use it, or gave up halfway through. But when I did use it, I noticed that conversations flowed better, and that my conversation partner was more animated.

Ultimately, mindful conversation is probably worth the effort and initial discomfort involved — for journalists, and for anyone who wants to forge and sustain more meaningful relationships.

SEE ALSO: I just spent a day in a mindfulness program developed at Google and left with 5 key lessons

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What could be more terrifying than talking to someone you're attracted to? 

Luckily, social science has figured out what makes flirting work — or not.

Below, we've rounded up some of the most intriguing findings on the art of flirtation, so you can saunter over to the object of your affection with confidence.

This is an update of an article originally posted by Drake Baer.

SEE ALSO: 15 relationship facts everybody should know before getting married

People flirt for six different reasons

In a 2004 review of the literature on flirting, Northern Illinois University professor David Dryden Henningsen identified six different motivations for the behavior: 

• Sex: trying to get in bed
• Fun: treating it like a sport
• Exploring: trying to see what it would be like to be in a relationship
• Relational: trying to increase the intimacy of a relationship
• Esteem: increasing one's own self esteem
• Instrumental: trying to get something from the other person

In that study, Henningsen asked 101 female and 99 male students to write out a hypothetical flirty conversation between a man and a woman, then identify the motivations for the things they said. 

The behaviors broke down along gender norms: Men were significantly more likely to have a sexual motivation, while women tended to have a relational one.

Couples need to flirt, too

Like Tinder, cats, and dying alone, flirting is usually associated with single people. 

But couples need to know how to flirt, too.

After studying 164 married people for a 2012 study, University of Kentucky researcher Brandi Frisby noted that most of them flirted — by playing "footsies" or whispering in their partner's ear, for example — as a means of maintaining and emphasizing intimacy. Oftentimes, she wrote in her paper, married couples flirted to "create a private world with the spouse." 

Some conversation starters are better than others

For a study in the journal Sex Roles, University of Alaska psychologist Chris L. Kleinke asked 600 respondents to rate the effectiveness of three varieties of opening lines in a flirtatious situation: 

• "Pick-up" lines like "You must be a librarian, because I saw you checking me out" 
• Open-ended, innocuous questions like "What do you think of this band?" or "What team are you rooting for?"
• Direct approaches like "You're cute — can I buy you a drink?" 

The responses were pretty evenly split along gender lines: While the men in the study tended to prefer the more direct approach, the women tended to prefer the open-ended, innocuous questions. Not surprisingly, very few people said they preferred the pick-up lines.

This post was previously published on MEL, a new voice in men's lifestyle and culture covering what guys think about when nobody's looking.

This is the fourth installment of our series Into the Black, where we hear from people who found ways to pay off serious debt. This week we talked to Kyle Pendergrass, whose debt management has improved his mental and physical health, but who lost some friends in the process.

Kyle Pendergrass, 26, Tucson, Arizona

Past debt: $16,000
Source: Student loans, $6,000 of which was credit card debt, because Pendergrass unwisely used a credit card to pay some of his student loan debt
Past job: Waiter at Turquesa Latin Grill
Past salary: Approximately $800 to $900 every two weeks, or $22,000 annually (including tips)
Current job: Research associate II at Ventana Medical Systems
Current salary: $50,000 a year, plus a 5 percent annual bonus dependent on personal and company performance
Current debt: $3,000

How he pulled it off:
Graduation was supposed to be a celebration, but I was depressed when I graduated from college.

Americans have this mentality that a college degree will solve everything.Take out thousands of dollars in loans. Don’t worry, it’s fine. You’ll get a well-paying job right after you graduate. You’ll pay off your debt in no time.

But that was all bulls---. The ramifications of taking out loans were never explained to me in actual dollars-and-cents terms. I was never told, “If you take out X much in loans, at Y interest rate, you’re going to end up paying Z in the future.”

Relatively speaking, my student loan debt was low—$16,000. But thousands of dollars is still a significant amount of money, and trying to pay it down felt daunting. Even the idea of getting a well-paying job felt hopeless, because most of that money would go to my debt.

Not having a job at graduation really put me in a slump. I spent the first year after college waiting tables at Turquesa Latin Grill, a restaurant in the nearby Ritz Carlton, earning just $400 to $450 a week (including tips).

I drank a lot that year, mostly to avoid the fact that I was in a dead-end job. And going out drinking was not cheap, so I was making no headway on my debt. I was sad and angry at the world for pressuring me to get an education that the job market deemed worthless. And that was even with a science degree: ecology and evolutionary biology.

I spent at least 10 hours a week job-hunting. I searched Monster.com, Career.com, Glassdoor. I sent out probably 40 résumés that year and had six job interviews, some of which did not go well. I interviewed with a local laboratory that does blood and urine screening for other companies, and I tried to negotiate them up to $10 an hour in the first interview. They didn’t appreciate that.

The sixth interview was my last. It was for a temp job at a biotech firm, filling in for a lab assistant who was on maternity leave. It paid little more than I was making as a server, and I was told it would last six to 12 months, with zero chance of me being brought on full-time. I took the job because I wanted it, but also because I was desperate. If if it didn’t work out, I figured I’d at least have some kind of formal work experience.

I went out of my way to impress everyone I worked with. I learned everything I could about the company and what my team was doing, specifically. I spoke to my bosses regularly and asked them follow-up questions and made it clear I was interested and enthusiastic. No one wants to work with a person who obviously doesn’t give a shit. And if it’s evident you do care, people will naturally want to give you more work.

Still, my salary came to about only $24,000 a year, which just wasn’t enough to pay down my debt. I was making only the minimum payments, putting nothing toward my principal.

In fall of 2013, six months into the job, things started going south at the company, and it ended up being the best thing that could’ve happened to me. My team was developing a test that would help identify specific kinds of cancer cells, and was painfully behind schedule. So they asked me to take on a bigger role. I said, “Absolutely,” and I immediately asked if it could lead to a full-time job.

“If you do this well, I think we can get you a permanent position,” my boss said.

I went from organizing tissue samples to being directly involved with product development. By April 2014, I was promoted to research associate, earning $40,000 a year.

That’s when I fell victim to lifestyle inflation — my spending increased along with my income, such that I wasn’t saving any more money than when I was working as a temp. I splurged. I ate out a lot, spent more on drinks, bought clothes and a new TV. I was making more, but had nothing to show for it.

I tried to get serious about my finances in September 2014, after stumbling on the r/personalfinance subreddit and reading all these stories about people setting budgets and paying down debts. I downloaded the budgeting app Mint and set a personal budget, but I couldn’t stick to it. It was a mental thing — I spent willy-nilly on food and alcohol, even though I knew, in the back of my mind, I was spending too much.

The following January, I thought to myself, Enough with this sh--. I’m paying off my debt. I was tired of the fees, of the bad credit score.

I set a strict budget: $755 a month for rent, $500 for food and alcohol, $140 for gas. I cut out all unnecessary expenditures—video games, clothes. That left me with $800 a month to put toward my debt. That means I had been wasting $800 a month on superfluous expenditures.

Before, I went out drinking three to four times a week. After, I went out once every two weeks, and would only buy a drink or two when I did.

Before, I went out to eat whenever the hell I felt like it. After, I did it once a week, maximum.

I compensated by making more visits to friends’ homes, or texting and calling more.

Despite that, I lost about six friends amid the process. They came from more affluent backgrounds and just couldn’t understand that some people have to say “no” to things so they can pay off their debts.

My new lifestyle gave me a lot of free time. I started reading, mainly books about science and the history of scientific discovery — A Brief History of Time,Quantum Electrodynamics — and Chuck Palahniuk books. I trained for my first half-marathon and lost 15 pounds.

Most profoundly, I learned I was an introvert. There was a part of me that had long felt uncomfortable being alone with my own problems, and spending time alone helped me be at ease with myself. I realized I could be a flaky, undependable person. Having to be accountable to my financial guidelines taught me how to be dependable to others.

Within 10 months, I had completely paid off my credit card. I decided to tackle that first because the interest rate (22.99 percent) was higher than my student loans (about 5 percent). I was elated. I didn’t know who to tell, but it felt like this tension release from my chest.

At the end of 2015, I got another promotion, upping my title to research associate II and my salary to $50,000. I thought, I’m not going to change anything. I’m going to stick with the same budget, and use my extra income to attack my debt even harder.

I’ve since paid off more than $7,000 of my student loan debt. I plan to have the remaining $3,000 paid off by October this year. I don’t have plans to celebrate, but I know I’ll be relieved. It’s just so weighty to owe someone something.

This post was previously published on MEL, a new voice in men's lifestyle and culture covering what guys think about when nobody's looking.

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Sometimes it’s the littlest things that have the greatest impact. And when it comes to your relationship, this same sentiment applies. So if you’re low on cash but want to do a little something nice for the one you love, I’ve looked into the research regarding how this can be done with as little effort as possible (because, yes, you love them, but you don’t want to make a six-course dinner, either).

As you’ll find, most of the gestures below (all of which are backed by science) are primarily appreciated because they solidify the fact that you love and are grateful for your partner, which is further reason and incentive to do at least some of the following things.

Take take a look below at the results of many studies that tell us which small gesture are most effective.

1. Brew them a cup of coffee

Seriously, it’s as easy as that. Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., and author of "5 Simple Steps to Take Your Marriage From Good to Great" studied 373 couples over 28 years to discover that small acts of kindness — like brewing them a cup of coffee or stopping by their office with lunch — further strengthens an already strong relationship. By doing small tasks such as these, you help your partner feel appreciated. And who wouldn’t want that?

2. Do something new together

Research published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that couples who try new things together have a better quality relationship than those who stick to the same old. While these activities don’t have to be drastic — skydiving? No thanks — the only thing that matters is that the experience is new to the both of you. So try interesting, like making sushi together. That sounds nice, doesn’t it?

3. Say thanks

Gratitude is understandably one of the most important traits in a strong relationship. By expressing gratitude with something as simple as a “thank you,” research from Florida State University discovered that both partners will ultimately be more willing to do the necessary work required to maintain strength in their relationship.

4. Do a double date

Research from Stony Brook University had 150 couples meet each other and either spend 45 minutes worth of small talk, or spend 45 minutes asking personal questions. Results found that couples who chatted about personal topics felt more in love with each other than those who engaged in small talk. Since every couple has another favorite couple to hang out with, do yourselves a favor and do dinner and drinks with them. It’ll be good for all four of you!

5. Validate their victories

Did your partner receive a compliment at work from a superior? You should give a shit. Researchers from UCLA found that an enthusiastic response to a partner’s good news is a predictor of future relationship commitment, satisfaction, and love. Which is an appealing trifecta. The opposite reaction — minimizing or belittling said news — is evidence of bad things to come in a relationship. By celebrating good news with your partner, researchers concluded that it makes them feel both validated and understood.

6. Tweet less

Get off your damn phone! Data from over 800,000 OkCupid users revealed that people who admitted they tweet a lot had shorter relationships than those who don’t. Also worth noting: Tweeters were also found to masturbate more, presumably because their partner doesn’t want to have sex with them.

7. Kiss more

Lots of kissing equals higher relationship satisfaction, a study published in the journal Archives of Sexual Behavior found. Researchers from the University of Oxford surveyed over 900 adults, asking questions about kissing frequency, attitudes toward kissing, and relationship satisfaction. Results concluded lots of “good” kissing was the greatest testament to a good partnership. Go figure!

8. Watch a rom-com together

Who knew a chick flick could benefit a relationship? A 3-year study from the University of Rochester found that divorce rates were sliced in half when couples watched movies about relationships and discussed the film afterwards.

9. Share the chores

Mom loved when you did them and so does your partner: chores. In a small study from UCLA, researchers tracked the lives of several relationships over four years. What they found was couples who evenly disperse chores get along much better than those who don’t. If they cook, you do the dishes, and so on.

10. Argue in person

Sounds strange, doesn’t it? But arguing in person proves to be more effective than through text. A study from 2013 found that couples who fight over text have a lower relationship quality, meaning textual apologies and so on have much less impact than they do in person. This makes sense, since we’re all familiar with how things can get misinterpreted through text.

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I considered myself fortunate that I was already deep into my relationship with my now-husband when ghosting began trending in the dating world. The concept, frankly, of literally disappearing from someone's life without an explanation, is brutal, and I felt grateful that I'd escaped its trenches. That is, until I realized that ghosting doesn't exist only in romantic circles but in professional ones as well. I learned quickly just how badly it sucks when it happens to you.

The first time I was professionally ghosted, it took me a minute to understand that that's what had happened. Initially, I was naïve enough to believe that the person who'd promised to follow up with me about a project we'd discussed in detail — including on the phone — was going to eventually get around to it.

She was busy, I was busy. It wasn't pressing. But, it was happening — or she would've explained why it wasn't. Or so I thought. Weeks went by, and then finally an email! It was riddled with excuses (never a great sign), a profuse apology (nice but not totally necessary), and a promise to deliver once things (see excuses) were sorted.

I'm a reasonable person, so of course I replied that it was no big deal and that I looked forward to working together. Again, it wasn't a time-sensitive matter, so I figured it would happen when the timing improved. I never figured she'd go poof! But that's exactly what happened. I'd been ghosted.

A few more months went by, and I felt it appropriate to give the benefit of the doubt. What if there'd been a tragedy? A family emergency? A life-changing circumstance? Social media confirmed none of those things, and so, to me, it meant only one thing: She'd just burned a bridge.

Instead of sending a short note (maybe even with a little white lie), this woman's ghosting had tainted my picture of her. I'm too busy to be outwardly mad at anyone, and I don't hold grudges as a rule, but this was an unprofessional move that it'll be hard to forget if she contacts me in the future.

And so in the interest of preventing further relationships from being discolored in this way, can I make a suggestion? It's OK to bow out of something! You're allowed to say yes to a favor, then regret that and want to say no. It's not the end of the world to cancel plans, or even to sever a relationship if you've got a good reason (and only you can answer that) — but it's super not cool to say you'll be in touch and then fall off the face of the earth.

If you're dealing with any of the scenarios I just described above, this is what you could say instead of pulling a disappearing act:

Hi [Name],

I've been looking at my schedule and I realized that I'm not going to be able to contribute to [name of project] after all. I hope you understand, and I hope we can be in touch down the line. Best of luck to you in this endeavor.

Regards,
[Your Name]

Or for an enthusiastic friend of a friend who really wants to meet you to pick your brain:

Hi [Name],

I've been looking at my schedule and I realized that I'm not going to be able to meet for [coffee/drinks/discuss my career] after all. I hope you understand, and I hope we can be in touch down the line. Best of luck to you in your job search.

Regards,
[Your Name]

Or, if you've let this linger for a while now and reading this article shocked you into wanting to reach out:

Hi [Name],

So sorry for the delay in getting back to you! I'm usually much faster with my responses. Things have been busier than usual on my end and I've realized that I'm not going to be able to [meet for coffee/assist with the project/volunteer] after all. I hope you understand, and I hope we can be in touch down the line. Best of luck to you!

Regards,
[Your Name]

It doesn't get any easier than this. You don't have to give details. But if you're the one who's decided that a professional partnership of any kind isn't going to work, you do have to be considerate — and that means being upfront. If the details make you uncomfortable, don't dig into them. If you're asked for more information, then you can decide how much you want to divulge.

But the sure thing here is that there's a way to extricate yourself from something if it's what you decide you need to do. Going radio silent isn't an acceptable approach. It's merely a cowardly one — that's as true professionally as it is personally, and it's hard to forget.

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The 2016 presidential election has caused enormous strains on relationships of all sorts, from friendships to families to marriages.

According to a Monmouth University poll, 7% of voters report having lost or ended a friendship because of this year's divisive presidential race. Despite party affiliations, one thing most voters could agree on was that this election brought out the worst in people.

As The New York Times and The Atlantic both reported, for the first time in US election history, the 2016 presidential race even divided married couples, who, in elections past, tended to band together when it came to voting.

"Part of the problem is not just preference," Republican pollster Whit Ayers explained to The Atlantic. "It's that if you're not for Trump, you have a hard time understanding how any rational human being could be. And the same is true for Clinton."

Reports on social media of people being uninvited from Thanksgiving festivities this year because of their presidential picks seem to bear this deep division out.

But while we know this vitriolic election will have a number of long-term effects, will your bruised and battered relationships be one of them?

Making peace with close friends and family who backed the other candidate is possible according to the experts, but it won't be easy.

"Reconciling with those you sparred with and continuing the discussion feel more complicated because so much uncertainty surrounds life after the presidential election,"Dr. Michael McNulty, a master trainer from The Gottman Institute and founder of the Chicago Relationship Center, tells Business Insider.

He says that, since few thought Donald Trump would be elected president, no one really knows what a Trump presidency will look like and we face an uncertain future.

"Uncertainty is very stressful," he says, which can cause people to lash out and have much more impassioned, sometimes hurtful, debates.

The road to recovering relationships after hurtful things were said shouldn't be all that unfamiliar, but that doesn't make it any easier to navigate.

"If conversations got heated and you were out of line, apologize," McNulty says.

"If someone apologizes to you, accept the apology," he says. It's as simple as that.

It's also helpful to know when to have these discussions. Perhaps waiting until everyone is sat down to the dinner table to eat is not the most tactful approach. Instead, try blocking out some time or even setting up an appointment so that the problem can be handled with much more care.

"This year, a lot was at stake," McNulty says. "This left people extremely passionate about the issues and candidates. If you or your family member crossed a line beyond debating into poor behavior, try to repair and set a more positive tone. Competitive athletes do this every day."

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My family often makes fun of me for being overly effusive in restaurants:

Oh, thank you so much for bringing the bread — we really appreciate it! Water? I love water! Thank you for being so kind!

Though no one in my family has ever said it explicitly, I imagine part of the reason they find it so hilarious is that I hardly ever show them so much gratitude.

Not even for oh, say, bringing me into this world and putting a roof over my head for 18 years.

So I had a quiet "aha!" moment while reading Janice Kaplan's "The Gratitude Diaries," in which she chronicles her yearlong effort to show more appreciation in different areas of her life.

Before writing "The Gratitude Diaries," Kaplan, a journalist who was formerly the editor of Parade magazine, helped conduct a survey on Americans' gratitude habits.

Results showed that 97% of respondents said they would express gratitude to a server in a nice restaurant (guilty as charged). But how many women said they regularly thanked their husbands? Just 48%.

In the book, Kaplan writes that she gets it — we have way higher expectations for our partners than we do for waiters. Beyond that, she suspects we also get so used to our partner being there for us that we generally forget to appreciate it.

Simply making the effort to say "thank you" can breathe new life into a tired relationship.

When she visited the Business Insider offices in August, Kaplan told us:

"When you're in a relationship, particularly for a long time, you kind of stop noticing somebody. Psychologists call it habituation."

"You get used to somebody. You stop realizing why you wanted to be there in the first place."

During the first month of her gratitude experiment, Kaplan focused on appreciating her husband.

She'd thank him for driving them home from a party or fixing a leaky faucet — and he'd be confused, because he always does those things.

"I know you do," Kaplan would tell him. "But I appreciate it."

As Business Insider's Erin Brodwin has reported, psychologists have known for a while that couples who express gratitude toward each other are more likely to stay together. In fact, thanking your partner even once can bring you two closer months later.

That's possibly because a single act of gratitude sparks a cycle of gratitude and generosity: You thank your partner, so your partner feels appreciated and invests more in the relationship, which in turn makes you feel more grateful to them.

Perhaps the part of "The Gratitude Diaries" that struck me most was a scene Kaplan describes in which her husband, a doctor, is rushing off in the middle of the night to treat a sick patient.

Typically, Kaplan writes, she'd be frustrated and angry that her husband was leaving at that hour. But during her gratitude experiment, she pushed herself to find the reason to be grateful.

So she told him:

"I was just thinking about how lucky your patient is to have you. She must feel so much better knowing you're on the way. The world needs more doctors like you. Thank you for being so special."

To me, this scene reflects how showing gratitude to the people we're closest to can take more effort than thanking the barista at Starbucks. It requires seeing the person in a new light — or simply seeing them at all.

But that effort can pay big dividends. Kaplan writes that her small acts of gratitude appeared to change her overall marriage for the better.

In the book she mentions one professor of marriage and family therapy who told her that every day he emails his wife thanking her for something. It doesn't have to be anything huge — thanking her for running errands when he was busy is fine.

The point is to make gratitude a habit so that, eventually, you don't have to think about it — it's just the default lens through which you see your partner's everyday behaviors.

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The INSIDER Summary:

• Honest mistakes happen, especially in relationships.
• Things like forgetting an event or telling a white lie are okay.
• Just make sure to be honest if you mess up with your partner.

As pop culture icon Hannah Montana once sang: everybody makes mistakes.

Although it's easy enough to recognize that nobody's perfect, that doesn't stop us from feeling disappointed in ourselves when we inevitably mess up. Whether it's missing a meeting at work, impulse shopping when you're on a tight budget, or making a mistake in a relationship, it's totally normal to feel a little down when things don't go how we planned. When it comes to your sexual health, it might be scary to think that mistakes can happen — but it's important to be informed and prepared. That's why a new campaign from Plan B One-Step®, #PerfectlyImperfect, featuring Carly Aquilinoand Nessa of MTV's "Girl Code," wants to spark conversations about the pressure to be "perfect"— and it's a good reminder that it's OK to make mistakes in your sex and dating life from time to time.

"It's OK to make mistakes in a relationship because that's how you learn and grow," Carly Aquilino tells Bustle. "The more obstacles you go through in a relationship, the stronger you become... Perfection is unattainable and frankly overrated. We all make mistakes, whether it be buying a horrible present for your boyfriend's birthday or even having an 'oops moment' when you may have unprotected sex or your birth control fails you. This is why Nessa and I got involved with the 'Perfectly Imperfect' initiative, which aims to spark a conversation about the many myths surrounding emergency contraception and ensures women are prepared in case their birth control plan doesn't go as expected and they need emergency contraception."

Whether it's a birth control slip-up or a slight addiction with Facebook stalking your ex, we all make mistakes when it comes to our romantic lives. When you're in a relationship, there are some mistakes (like cheating) that are pretty much unforgivable. The good news? There are plenty of small, fixable mistakes it's OK to make in a relationship— here are five of the more common ones.

1. Telling White Lies

"White lies are OK to make," April Masini, relationship expert, tells Bustle. "In fact, tell your partner you like the sweater, the haircut or the meatloaf — just to keep the peace and pump up [their] self-esteem. Would it kill you to say his mother’s apple pie is amazing when it isn’t? Let the white lies go. They’re not just harmless, they keep the peace."

Although honesty is super important in a relationship and it's better to have a partner with whom you can share your honest opinion, some little things just aren't worth the strife. So don't feel guilty if you're not entirely truthful all the time — when it comes to minor things, sometimes white lies are better than the painful truth.

2. Innocent Flirting

Remember in "Gilmore Girls" when Rory was shocked to realize she had a crush on her hot new TA? She proceeded to announce it to Logan as if she'd cheated on him, then was surprised when he was like, "yeah, that's NBD." What Logan knew (and Rory didn't) is that flirting and developing small crushes is part of human nature — and that doesn't change when you're in a relationship with someone.

Sure, it might be a better idea to flirt with your partner, but it's also nothing to be ashamed of if you sometimes bat your eyelashes at your favorite barista. It's not cheating to interact with other people, even if you happen to find them attractive or have a little crush on them. The only thing that's important is knowing where to draw the line: banter all you want, but don't slip the bartender your number at the end of the night.

3. Mild Jealousy

Every relationship comes with some level of jealousy. While unhealthy amounts of jealousy can lead a partner to be possessive or controlling, there are also more mild instances of jealousy, which are perfectly normal.

"[Mild jealousy] can indicate that the partners are still in love with each other enough to care and feel threatened by the idea of [their] partner being attracted to someone else or that someone else is attracted to [their] partner,"Yvonne Thomas, licensed psychologist, tells Bustle. "This mild jealousy 'mistake' can actually breathe some life into a relationship that one or both partners may have felt was complacent or stagnant."

4. Birth Control Mishaps

This is one area where no one wants to mess up. Still, that doesn't mean birth control mistakes don't happen — and probably more often than we'd like.

"Many of us are so focused on being perfect the first time around, we don't explore the 'what ifs,'""Girl Code" host Nessa tells Bustle. "What if something happens and things don't go according to plan? What are my options? This is particularly important when it comes to contraception. Even if you think you are doing everything right, it is important to be informed about your options in the event you need a backup plan."

Although, in heterosexual relationships, the onus usually falls on women to be 'in charge' of birth control, in reality, avoiding accidental pregnancy is the responsibility of both partners. It's important is that you are able to communicate with your partner about any mishaps that may happen. Missing a few days' worth of pills, though not ideal, is something that can occasionally happen. It's not OK to fail to tell your partner this info so the two of you can come up with an alternate birth control plan together.

5. Forgetting A Special Event

Although many of us would all like to think we have our sh-- together constantly, sometimes we're so busy that something important slips through the cracks, like failing to put your partner's birthday in your iCal. It might be horrifying to realize a mistake like that and have to make it up to your partner, but at the end of the day, admitting your error is more important than never making the mistake in the first place.

"As I see it, a one time indiscretion doesn't do the real damage,"Elinor Robin, PhD, LMFT, LMHC, tells Bustle. "The real problems happen when the slights occur as a series over time."

Try not to be forgetful, but don't be too hard on yourself if you occasionally slip up — after all, that's what flowers and chocolates were invented for.

"It's OK to make almost any mistake, as long as it doesn't give your partner a sense of being devalued — feeling dismissed, discounted, disrespected, or disenfranchised," Robin says. "So, it's not the mistake that matters: it's the end result [or] consequence of the mistake. The bottom line, no matter what the mistake: you will be able to erase it if you can give your partner a sense of being valued and connected."

At the end of the day, we all mess up from time to time. What's important is being willing to admit when we're wrong or when we hurt our partner, and working to communicate better together.

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Getting over a breakup is just the worst.

Everyone seems to have their own bounce back timeline and their own methods for getting over someone. While some people seem to be able to flip a switch and be done with it, we all have a friend (or are the friend) who is still 90 weeks deep in their ex's Instagram every night and sends way too many drunk texts. And if you are that person, I get it. It can be incredibly difficult to cut the ties and move on from your ex. But are there ways to make us do it faster?

Well, that's exactly what Bustle's newest Love, Factually video wanted to discover. Is there a way to help you move on faster? Most of my friends swear the best way to get over someone is to get under someone, a couple stick to rom-coms, but what's the most effective way to get over a breakup? According to experts, a lot of how we move on from someone has to do with our state of mind and point of view (not that controlling that has ever been easy).

Here's what you need to know about getting over a breakup ASAP.

1. If you internalize rejection, it's going to be harder.

Researcher Lauren Howe of Stanford worked with a team of researchers on a survey of over 800 people and found out something really interesting: those who internalize rejection have a harder time with breakups. These are people who look at rejection as a reflection on them — proof that they aren't good enough or lovable — and they find it more difficult to move on than those people who think that rejection is just a natural party of life or even an opportunity for learning and growing.

2. Those with a fixed mindset struggle more than those with a growth mindset.

This actually played into different personality types. Howe found that those with a fixed mindset, who think that your personality can't change, spend more time thinking about their exes than those who believe that their personality can grow and change.

3. But many studies have found personality is biological and therefore, kind of fixed.

So here's the thing: personalities are kind of fixe. Dr Laura Brown, a neuroscientist, tells Bustle that personality is largely biological, but "we need to be able to reinvent ourselves." It's such an important part of getting over a breakup.

4. And your brain incorporates your partner into how you view yourself.

Basically, part of the problem is in our brains. The precuneus is the part of the brain responsible for autobiographical memory. When we're with a partner, we begin to incorporate them into our view of ourselves. The person becomes a part of our autobiography, which is why it can feel so gutting when they're gone.

5. So you need to form some new memories without your partner.

So you have to get your ex out of your autobiography, out of your view of yourself. How do you do that? Well, it's why we see so many people taking up hobbies or going through big changes after a breakup. It's really is good for you because you start to form new memories and rewrite your autobiography without your partner.

Breakups are always going to be hard — especially if it was a significant relationship — and there's never going to be a magical cure all. But we can help ourselves get over them faster. The most important thing? Stop dwelling on the past and make a new future. So it's time to get off of their Instagram account and go try something totally different — it'll help.

Watch the full video below:

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Hard as it might be, the best thing to do when quarreling with a family member this Thanksgiving isn't to persuade them you're right.

That just breeds negative feelings.

According to Harvard social psychologist Amy Cuddy, the best thing to do when you know you're in a position of power is to listen.

Cuddy is the author of "Presence: Bringing Your Boldest Self to Your Biggest Challenges," a book on the subtle yet powerful ways our behaviors can influence our thoughts and emotions.

"Presence" argues, among other things, that when we feel powerful — present, in control, in the moment — we also have the ability to bestow that power onto other people, either by building them up to feel powerful or by tearing them down.

During a talk at 92Y earlier this January, Cuddy admitted to "Quiet" author Susan Cain that her biggest challenges come in her personal relationships, with her husband in particular. Confronting conflict can make her incredibly anxious, Cuddy says.

In these cases, the remedy "Presence" suggests is to fully engage with whomever you're fighting — whether it's over whose turn it was to take out the trash or which candidate should have won the election.

"When you walk into those situations that have a lot of conflict in them," Cuddy says, "the first thing to do is to be present enough to allow the other person to speak first. You're not giving power away; you're actually allowing them to feel seen and understood."

By listening to the other person's side, you're giving them the chance to become a part of the conversation. As the relationship guru John Gottman says, you're allowing the two of you to kick around the problem like a soccer ball.

In psychology, this is known as the "balance theory problem," Cuddy explained in a recent radio interview.

Imagine a triangle where you, and loved one, and a divisive issue each make up one point. You and your loved one constantly try to keep that third point equidistant from one another, or in "balance," based on your shared views. Cuddy says tensions arise when people refuse to accept that some triangles simply can't be balanced.

That's why when someone says something objectionable, Cuddy's advice is for you to hear them out.

"I think you have to bite your tongue. I do. I think you have to wait," Cuddy says. "First of all, when you respond in that moment of anger you're not going to respond well. And if you let them get through it, you're going to get a little more information about what that is really about. Maybe then you do pause and say, 'I need to step away from this for a moment.'"

Even if you don't get new information relevant to the fight itself, there may still be nuggets of wisdom for how to handle later situations.

For example, a medium-sized fight about household chores (or an argument about what Donald Trump did or didn't say) could put one person squarely in the wrong. But that doesn't mean the person who was right doesn't stand anything to gain. Maybe there is a lesson on how chores should be divided or how the other person feels about a given political issue.

At the very least, you're allowing the other person to feel heard, which in turn makes them more receptive to your own argument.

Given how emotional the election has been for people, Cuddy also says adults should stay mindful of the role they set for younger family members this Thanksgiving. "Let's model constructive debate for our kids' sake," she says.

Still, if political talk really does pose a threat to the entire evening, it might just be best to table the conversation for a later date. There's no sense in hashing out ideological differences just because the whole family is there to weigh in.

"If it's too raw," Cuddy says, "it's too raw."

SEE ALSO: Take these 4 steps to make any argument productive

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