How can you tell if your partner is the person you want to be with for the rest of your life, if you're into that kind of thing? Or, to rephrase, how do you know if someone is "The One"? Not everyone is crazy about that term — some argue that relationships should be more fluid, and that we might have multiple "Ones" in our lifetime. "As a relationship counselor, I’m one who does not believe in 'The One,'” marriage counselor Jessica Wade tells Bustle. "Many partners can be compatible options, and I think any couple willing to mutually put in the work to keep it healthy for both partners can have an amazingly enjoyable relationship."
Dawn Maslar, aka “the Love Biologist,” also isn't a fan of the phrase. "We're living much longer lives and we grow and change,"she tells Bustle. "'The One' in our twenties may not be 'The One' in our sixties," she says. "If you believe you found 'The One' and it doesn't work out, don't worry, you'll find 'another One.'" Phew! That is a great outlook, and helpful to anyone who has had or will someday have that experience.
But our purposes herein, let's say "The One" refers to a partner with whom you want to be for the long haul. And, it should be added, that person feels the same way about you. I asked some illustrious love and relationship experts how exactly they would advise you to discern whether or not you've found "The One" at last, and their answers struck me as being truly beautiful and poignant. In short, you know when you know, but there are tons of little things you can tune into if you're in a place where you'd like to ascertain whether you want to continue to move forward with this person, and whether you really think there is a future for you and your boo. Here are 11 ways to figure out if your partner is "The One" or not.
1. You Like The Person You Are When Your Partner Is Near
"It's really not about them, as it is about you,"life coach Kali Rogers tells Bustle. "It's all about what kind of person you are, become, and feel like when you're in their presence." How do you feel when they're near? Does your anxiety go up, or down? "Love can sometimes bring out our insecurities, and while it might feel good in the moment, it's not a good long term setup," Rogers says. "Love should bring forth confidence and security."
Pay attention to how you feel, and "when you're wondering about whether they are "The One," ask yourself instead, 'Am I the version of myself I want to be for the rest of my life right now?' That's the best way to tell," she says. So smart!
2. You Can Live With The 3 Things About Your Partner That Bother You The Most
"Everyone has an inner voice," Boston-based clinical psychologist Bobbi Wegner tells Bustle. "Follow it. Pay attention to the immediate feelings you have when you think of the person." Those feelings will lead you to the answer to this question.
"Next, realistically name the three things about the person that bother you, and expect that those will remain." Whoa — mind. blown. This is such a good suggestion! "If the feelings are there and you can live with those three bothersome traits, that is a good sign."
3. You're At Peace With Who They Are
"The person we dedicate energy to is The One for us,"zen psychotherapist and neuromarketing strategist Michele Paiva tells Bustle. Very zen. "If you find that it is easy for you to dedicate energy to their trials and tribulations and can be at peace with them as they are, then you might be with 'The One,' for sure." Just like Wegner, Paiva points out that you have to be able to accept your partner for who they are — with all of their great qualities andeverything that you perceive to be bad. If so, you're certainly in a great partnership.
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