Between 2011 and 2012, I went on 101 dates with 52 different men. It was all part of a social experiment I'd devised while finishing my undergraduate degree at UC Berkeley.
After each date, I documented the experience to figure out what specifically had made it a success or a failure.
As the experiment went on, I started noticing all kinds of patterns — and I saw lots of guys make the same mistakes over and over again.
Today, I'm a dating coach, and I use the findings from my personal experiment to help my clients. Here are some of the pitfalls I advise them to avoid at all costs.
1. Trying to impress your date with money
It took me 29 dates to come to this realization.
I met date #29 at a swanky nightclub in San Francisco and he invited me to a fancy dinner the following evening. He was a wealthy CEO living in Silicon Valley and the date was fun because I got to dress up and drink expensive wine.
Looking back though, I realized that date #29 tried to bait me with money. In the first five minutes of conversation, I knew his net worth, what model car he drove, and the high-priced neighborhood he lived in.
To be quite frank, I think that's why I agreed to go on a second, third, and fourth date with him. Eventually, I realized our connection was superficial — and I didn't even want to see if we could develop something deeper.
Tip: Try to avoid talking about money on a first date. It will either make the other person want to meet you again for the wrong reasons, or it will come off as crass and turn them off.
2. Talking about your ex
I met date #60 on OkCupid and we went for drinks at a local watering hole the next day. He spent the first half of our date discussing his past relationships — even when I tried to change the subject.
I'm not really into discussing pig slaughter when I'm eating bacon, and that's kind of how it felt to talk about heartbreak and past-girlfriend drama on a first date.
Tip: Don't go on a date until you have finished grieving any past relationships. When you discuss old relationships on a first date, it doesn't make your current date feel special or important. Plus, talking about an ex and all the ways the person wronged you could make you look whiny.
3. Talking negatively about your career
At first, I found date #69 attractive because he seemed to have a go-getter personality and a great intellect. He told me that he had invented three different products while in college and had been published in many academic journals — which, if true, was pretty impressive.
But he lost my interest when he ended his story with, "Yeah, but then I ended up working for the man."
It is such a turn-off when someone speaks negatively about their career. Honestly, I always think: If you're not happy doing what you're doing, then do something else. I understand that's more complicated than it sounds, but no one wants to date a complainer.
Tip: If you hate your job, talk about your hobbies and your passions instead. Or, focus on your career before you focus on love. Interestingly, I've found that my clients who are happy with their careers seem to find a partner much more quickly than those who haven't figured out that portion of their life.
4. Not calling it a date
I didn't even know date #98 was a date until I heard it from his buddy: "Oh, how was your date with my friend?"
Date? What date? Unbeknownst to me, the night that #98 had taken me to dinner to discuss "business" was a date. I hadn't even stopped to think about whether I was romantically interested in him.
Tip: Don't try to pull the bait and switch. A date is not a date unless it's explicitly called a date upon invitation.
5. Not arranging the second date on the first date
I learned this lesson from date #78. At the end of our time together, he drove me to work and asked me if I'd be available Thursday for a second date.
He made me want to see him again, at least partly because he was upfront about his desire to see me again.
The majority of the guys I dated during my experiment did not do this. They'd wait a couple of days before asking me out again, when the date wasn't fresh in my mind. Meaning I was less likely to accept their invitation.
Tip: Always ask for date #2 on date #1… that is, if you like the person.
6. Not touching the person at all
A lot of the guys I went on a first date with didn't touch me at all — not even a hug hello. For me, and for many people, that automatically puts you in the friend zone.
In fact, during the middle of date #79, the guy told me he was a masseuse and asked if I wanted a massage. This was a little obvious and made me too aware of his agenda but, really, who turns down massages? Even though the concept was weird, when he put his hands on that area between my shoulders and neck, I immediately felt a magnetic pull. It was like magic.
Tip: In a non-creepy way, touch your date three or four times on a first date. A good process to follow is to hug hello, hug goodbye, and somewhere in between, show your date a cool video on your smartphone so they have to get close to you — and hopefully lean against you — to see it. It will put them in a more romantic mindset.
Emyli (EmLovz) is a San Francisco Dating Coach who offers worldwide one-on-one coaching sessions and online dating courses for men and women.
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