The INSIDER Summary:
- "Loveologist" Wendy Strgar has been happily married for 35 years, and reveals her tips for maintaining the spark.
- She says to build anticipation and longing, which builds excitement, too.
- She also says not to be afraid to explore your fantasies, and to appreciate your partner while you have them, since no one lives forever.
If your relationship has been feeling a bit stilted lately, like you're missing the excitement and energy you once had, don't worry — the loveologist is in.
Wendy Strgar has earned the title. She formulated her own brand of organic lubricants and aphrodisiacs called Good Clean Love, wrote a book called "Love That Works: A Guide to Enduring Intimacy," and has been married for over 35 years.
In her latest book, "Sex That Works: An Intimate Guide to Awakening Your Erotic Life," she writes about how to rediscover the spark in a relationship.
Strgar spoke with INSIDER and shared five ways couples can keep the romance alive.
Broaden your definition of passion
Movies often present a particular kind of frenzied passion — usually one in which couples slam doors behind them and rip each other's clothes off. Strgar recommends broadening your horizons to a more realistic kind of love.
"Some people keep waiting for it to feel like that," she said. "They think everything that's not that is not real. That's really unfortunate, and closes people off from the sexuality that is available to them."
Build anticipation
Whether it's daydreaming about your SO or sending them flirty texts throughout the day, building anticipation also builds excitement.
"I think there's something to be said for waiting and longing for something," she said. "It's not really a place that we respect much in our culture, but the truth is that those moments where you're thinking about it are very sexy moments."
Use "the sexiest part of your body"— your brain
"When we're young and we first become sexual and fall in love for first time, there's a whole cascade of biochemistry that wakes up in us all at once," Strgar said.
This is just a brief period in people's lives, but it's often regarded as the ultimate definition of romance.
Instead of aiming for the same feeling that hormone-fueled escapades once gave, she advises using your imagination to create a similar but distinctive kind of thrill. This requires overcoming shame around your desires and allowing your mind to wander freely to open up new and exciting romantic possibilities.
"When your body isn't teeming with those kinds of chemicals, your brain — which is the sexiest part of your body — should be able to generate that intrigue," she said. "And it's totally possible to do that."
Explore your fantasies
Being super comfortable with someone can make things stale after a while, but Strgar said that familiarity is also an incredible advantage when it comes to sharing your most intimate fantasies.
"You can go to these crazy, fantastical spaces sexually that you would not have the courage to go to with somebody you don't know as well," she said.
Appreciate your partner while you have them
The only thing you know for sure about the people you love is that they'll die one day (spoiler alert: so will you). While Strgar admits that the idea is a bit morose, she said thinking about how limited your time is with the one you love — and expressing your love accordingly — can help intensify your relationship.
"We act like we have all this time, but the truth is we hardly have any time at all to learn how to love people," she said.
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