Rachel Sussman, a licensed therapist and marriage counselor, is no stranger to little white lies.
"Probably every week someone comes in and tells me something dishonest that they found their partner doing," she told INSIDER.
Some small fibs are no big deal, but others can undermine the trust that holds a relationship together. Sussman explained the difference.
Little white lies should be so benign that getting caught in them won't negatively impact your relationship.
Sussman said the foundation of every relationship is integrity, and that it's important to distinguish between a small, inconsequential lie and outright dishonesty.
"You have to ask yourself that if you get caught, and there's a really good chance you will, will that cause a problem in your relationship?" she said. "Will that cause a bigger problem in your relationship than having been straight up?"
For example, Sussman said telling your partner you bought a new item of clothing on sale when you didn't, or saying that it's not new and you've had it since last year, is fine. Your partner might roll their eyes or express exasperation, but they likely won't feel deeply hurt and betrayed.
"To me, a white lie should be something that's really benign," she said.
Lying about more substantial, delicate matters can have more significant consequences.
If you say you've never been in debt but your finances tell a different story, that could undermine your partner's trust. If you struggle with addictive tendencies and aren't truthful about how they affect your life, your partner might feel misled.
While coming clean about these issues isn't always easy, Sussman said that having an uncomfortable conversation is much better than lying and getting caught later.
"If you go out of your comfort zone and you have a confrontation that's uncomfortable for you but you hold your ground and you say 'Look, I'm being honest with you' ... in many ways that's so much easier and so much better than being caught and being called a liar," she said. "That guilt, that shame, that humiliation, feels a hundred times worse than the pushback might be."
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