The INSIDER Summary:
- I've never given out my "sex number."
- I think it's pointless to give it out and just makes people feel bad.
- It unfairly targets different genders into feeling bad if their number isn't low or high "enough."
There are a few things that you have to tell your partner when you enter into a relationship with them: You should tell them your STD status and history (which you should get tested for often), you should tell them about your likes and dislikes, and you should definitely tell them your stance on who the best Kardashian or Kardashian-adjacent person is (it's North West, duh!).
But one thing too many people feel pressure into revealing in a new relationship is their "sex number."
If you're not familiar, your "sex number,""body count," or (as it's more ominously called) your "number" refers to the amount of people that you've had sex with before you began dating your partner. This idea of the "number" has been parodied in pop culture, discussed at length online, and has been anguished about in private for years.
Why the heck do we care so much about this "number" anyway?
I kind of get it; humans are competitive creatures. We eat up facts about how often our friends are having sex, compare ourselves to national averages, and internally compete with statistics. We want to feel like we outrank our friends because in our minds, having more sex makes us more desirable and better in some weird way.
Honestly, the idea of the number is a crock of crap for a number of reasons.
For one, the way we discuss this "number" varies a lot when it gets down to gender. A study showed that when asked about how many times they've had sex, those who identify as women were more likely to decrease their number, while those who identify as men were more likely to inflate theirs. So those "numbers" you care about so much are probably not even accurate.
The "number" is pretty indicative of our attitudes when it comes to how different genders have sex— female-identified people are supposed to hold up a paragon of virginity and chastity while male-identified people are rewarded for being "players" and having a lot of sex. We see a woman with a high number as "slutty" and a man with a low number as "un-sexy."
This idea of the number is unfair to all sides: No person should have to lie about past experiences to make themselves worthy of a partner. You are not ruined by sex.
Also, sex means different things to different people. Of course, when most people think about sex, they think of the penetrative sex between a man and a woman, and that may very well work for most straight people. But where does that leave same-sex couples? Do bisexual and pan-sexual people get to have two or three different numbers? Do trans people get to reset theirs if they had sex before they transitioned?
When there is no cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all definition of sex, this number becomes pretty useless.
There seems to be this existential dread when getting into a new relationship that the person needs to know the stats of your dating history. If they're a nice person, they're not going to care.
In the course of dating your partner, they will pick up on your dating history. You'll mention ex-boyfriends and ex-hook-ups, and that time a guy took the mattress cover off of your bed because he thought it was a quilt. These things can come up naturally without either of you being on trial for what you did before you got together. And if your partner is anything like mine, they probably don't really want to hear the tales of your hook-ups past.
You can choose to share whatever you want with your partner, but if you're not comfortable sharing your "number," don't do it.
No one should be pressuring you to quantify your worth in the form of a figure. All they need to know is you'll be a healthy, supportive partner who will respect you and only engage in consensual and protected sexual activities with you.
When anyone has ever asked me to give out my sex number, I usually just laugh or make a stupid joke to change the subject. It's not only that I think it's none of their business — which it isn't — but comparison is the thief of joy.
Everybody has different sex drives, relationship lengths, mental health battles, and just general game. I didn't get into journalism to talk numbers — it's boring, trivial, and bound to make someone feel bad.
Now ask me to tell you an awful hook-up story, and I got you.
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