Eric Barker explains the 4 signs (or 4 horseman) that will lead to a relationship ending. Below is the transcript of the video.
John Gottman, who's generally considered the foremost researcher in terms of happy marriages, has defined four things that are the four horsemen of the relationship apocalypse.
These are the four problems people run into the real cause issues in marriages and cause marriages to end.
The first is criticism. This is when you start looking at and focusing on just the negatives of your partner as opposed to balancing them out with things you appreciate.
The second issue is defensiveness where people aren't listening to their partner, they're being reactive, and they’re just angrily responding rather than listening and actually have an exchange about it.
The third one is stonewalling where people just shut down. They’re not listening, they’re not responding, they're not involving, the dialogue stops.
And the fourth is contempt which is where you just lose respect for the other person you see them as less than you. Less than they are. When these four things are present, these are serious signs that the relationships in trouble. They're things that you want to avoid in any relationship that you want to last.
On the flip side Gottman talks about three positive things that you can use to help the relationship as opposed to the four horsemen.
The first one is knowing thy partner. The better you get to know your partner than the better and healthier your interactions can be. He actually talks about creating love maps, sort of maps of how this person sees the world from their point of view from their perspective.
The second issue is responding to bids. Bids are when they try to do something positive. They hold your hand. They compliment you. Responding to these bids make the other person feel secure in the relationship.
And the third one is showing admiration. That's a level of positively. As opposed to the four horsemen, which are all negative, showing admiration is saying you respect your partner. You actually may see them as better than they are which is a very positive sign in a relationship.