We all know the story. Boy meets girl. Boy dates girl. Boy realizes she's not the one, or he's not the one, or someone else is the one, or no one will ever be the one, or ... whatever the reason, it has to end.
But how?
Ever keen to grill my friends on their private lives, I got in contact with a bunch to quiz them on the best and worst break-up techniques. Here's what they said.
Don't dump from under the covers."This is definitely the most horrible way," said a friend, speaking from grim personal experience.
As all suave (or even vaguely reasonable) gentlemen know, there really is no worse time to end a relationship than closely after the act of physical romance. So don't do it.
Be honest, but not evil."This isn't the time to be brutal, but some indication of what's behind your desire to split can be a big help," said another friend. She wanted to hear why the relationship ended, without the dissection lingering on anything particularly spiteful or painful.
"This gives us something to analyze and to be angry/sad/happy at, something to talk over with our friends, which is all part of the healing process."
Bin the clichés. Apart from being grimace-inducing, we can spot the standard lines a mile off. It makes things feel a bit fake, even cheap.
One friend cited the risk of over-analyzing clichés and jumping to the wrong conclusions. "For instance, 'it's not you, it's me' can mean 'I'm totally sleeping with other women', while 'I'm not ready to settle down' will be taken as 'I want to sleep with other women.’”
Time it right. Timing is complicated. I get it. In December and January, you have the holidays. In February, Valentine's Day. In summer, picnics and Pimms, and everyone knows drinking alone is no fun. So when do you do it?
According to one friend, the golden rule is to avoid birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, and other people's weddings. Breaking up at these "is not multitasking, it's mean."
Also, don’t do it alongside a tragic event. "Someone I know was dumped by the bloke she was with for three years within a month of her dad passing away!"
Do it face-to-face. More than anything else, this was the most common request. Don't text. Don't email. Absolutely don't use Facebook. Come on, you’re better than that.
"Don't even think about using social media unless you are 12-years-old and have only been going out with someone since lunchtime," said one previously-burnt friend.
Another friend suggested a café. "Take me out to coffee and tell me to my face. Yes, it's harder and might lead to embarrassing squirming and awkward silences, but it's more courteous and easier to talk things through.
Don't linger in the 'possibly maybe' space. If you break up with someone, make sure to end it properly. The awkward 'I don't think I love you but maybe I do?' will just draw things out and add a bad shadow to what was possibly a fantastic relationship.
"So many of my girlfriends – in fact pretty much all of them – have had relationships where the guy has broken up with them without drawing a clear line in the sand. You need to be really clear. Say 'I think it would be unwise to see each other for a while', or something along those lines," advised one friend.
On no accounts should you break up with someone and then immediately seek to get back in their bed for one last hurrah.
Be careful when it comes to getting back together. It's easy to question the break-up once it's all over. Think about why you're missing your ex. Is it because you're just lonely? Do you want a bit of a cuddle? Or is it because you feel you've made a mistake and that the reasons you broke up in the first place have changed?
So there we go. Good luck with the boy meets girl thing. Hopefully the above makes the painful process of breaking up a bit less horrible – but fingers crossed that your relationship goes so well you won't ever have need to call upon it in the first place.
