The INSIDER Summary:
- There are a number of new dating "trends" that crop up all of the time, and it can be tough to know what they all mean.
- We've broken down all of the definitions of each term so you can put into words what may be happening to you.
- We've also given advice on what you can do if you fall victim to any of these trends.
From ghosting, to haunting, to zombeing, dating is sounds more like a bad horror movie these days. And finding out what they mean can only add to the horror.
Although the internet and social media did not invent dating troubles, they've certainly added a number of complications when it comes to finding a partner. It can be difficult to keep up with the latest thing people are doing to each other, and even more difficult to deal with when you fall victim to one of the most common dating pitfalls.
We've compiled a complete guide of all the dating terms floating around, and what you can do when one happens to you.
Ghosting
This is the OG modern dating term that refers to someone you're dating, seeing, talking to, etc. disappears without a trace. They don't break up with you, they just stop responding one day, leading you to assume they've broken up with you.
Although this is common among people online dating someone they don't know very well, it can happen to anyone. This apparently includes people you live with.
Used it a sentence:"I was talking to that guy from OKCupid but he ghosted me last week."
How you can deal with it: Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot you can do. If you know for a fact they're alive and this was a casual thing, you should probably just move on. If it was a little more involved, aka a full on relationship, you can feel free to let them know that it wasn't OK, and how it made you feel. Just know that those words may ring hollow to them and you likely won't get a response.
If they have things of yours, try and arrange a neutral person to go pick them up or let them know when you'll be by so they can leave it in a safe spot.
Otherwise, thank the universe that this person showed you their true, ugly colors, relationship expert and author April Masini told INSIDER.
"If you’re ghosted, understand that the person who ghosted you doesn’t have the tools to be in a mature relationship — or the character," she said. "And while it’s not nice to feel rejected, you’ve dodged a relationship bullet. Move on and be glad you have this opportunity."
Zombieing
What is it? This is what comes after ghosting. After leaving without a trace, this person will contact you out of the blue acting as if nothing is wrong. This is like a person who is "dead" to you coming back to life, hence the term
Used it a sentence: "That guy from OKCupid who ghosted me totally zombied and is acting like he never dropped off for 6 months."
How you can deal with it: This is possibly even more frustrating than ghosting. Though this sometimes leads to a tropical vacation sponsored by Tinder, this person is most likely a flake and you should ignore their advances.
In some cases though, they may have a good excuse (i.e. a death in the family, mental health episodes, etc.). In those cases it's up to you if you want to give them another chance, especially if the relationship wasn't that serious. Just be prepared for them to do it again.
Stashing
What is it? This is when you're dating someone and they're seeming to hide you away. You never seem to meet any of their friends and family and your dates tend to be at their house or somewhere where you won't know anyone.
Used it a sentence: "I think my boyfriend is stashing me. It's been a year, and I've never met even one of his friends."
How you can deal with it: Be straight up with your partner. Ask them to meet someone in their life or let them know that you'd love to hang out with a group of their friends too.
If they refuse, you're going to have to press them on it eventually. Though they may have real concerns about a toxic family or some rude friends, everyone has at least one person in their life they'd want to show you off to. If they don't they're probably hiding something.
Phubbing
What is it? This refers to when you're in a relationship or even begin dating someone, and they prefer to look at their phone over talking to you.
Used it a sentence: "That guy totally phubbed me last night. He spent 30 minutes on his phone at dinner."
How you can deal with it: Make some guidelines about when and where you use your phone]. If someone is on call for work fine, but making certain areas, like your bedroom, and certain times, like meals, a phone-free zone is a good start.
Benching
What is it? This term refers to when you talk to someone online, and they seem interested but won't see you in person. You're "warmed up" by their conversation, but placed on a bench while they're talking to other people. You're kept on the line in case those relationships don't last.
Used it a sentence: "That guy from OKCupid is totally benching you. No one is completely busy for three weeks straight.
How you can deal with it: You don't want to be with someone who doesn't unequivocally want to be with you. If they keep canceling on you and stringing you along, ask them to pick a date that works for them. If they can't commit to that, even months out, then they're just not worth your time.
You don't have to be mean, but let them know you're looking for someone who has more time to invest in a relationship with you and tell them it's best you don't talk anymore until they have that kind of time.
Breadcrumbing
What is it? This is when someone is nice to you in small doses, but won't speak to you in between. Maybe they send you flowers, but won't commit to a date for four weeks. Maybe they answering your texts for a week, and then send you a sweet email from. They're stringing you along with small bursts of effort.
Used it a sentence: "I thought this guy was done with me, but now he's breadcrumbing me. I just got flowers at work."
How you can deal with it: Similar to benching, you have to let them know that you need someone who commits more time to you. This constant state of flux is terrible for a relationship because you can't trust that they'll be there for you when you need them.
It can be tough to identify, but you need to recognize that his behavior is not OK, spiritual counselor and speaker Davida Rappaport told INSIDER.
"A few months of being flirted with to no avail is a clue that you are being played … period," she told me.
The next time you see them in person, let them know that you really like them but you feel like they keep dropping off the face of the earth. If they make excuses, let them know that you can't take the whiplash anymore.
Haunting
What is it? This is similar to zombieing, but sneakier. This refers to when someone ghosts you, but they return some time later in an indirect way. Maybe they Snapchat you, like your Facebook post, or watch your Instagram story. Either way, they are showing up again when you thought they were "dead."
Used it a sentence: "This guy from six months ago just liked my tweet. I feel like he's starting to haunt me."
How you can deal with it: This person is trying to edge their way back into your heart. They're showing up in this way to get back on your good side in a romantic way or otherwise. You can un-friend them, mute them, or block them if you feel like you want to, but otherwise, just treat it like an occasional annoyance.
Cushioning
What is it? Cushioning refers to when someone keeps you around to make themselves feel good. They'll be in a relationship, but still in touch with you and flirt because you boost their ego. It will also keep you as an option if their current relationship doesn't work out and "cushion" the blow.
Used it a sentence: "This guy I went to high school with told me I was beautiful, but I think he's just saying that because he needs a cushion after his breakup."
How you can deal with it: Cushioning is a low-key form of cheating. You are under no responsibility to stop a person in a relationship from hitting you up, but you can shut it down. Let them know that you're happy to peruse something (if you are) if they're out of a relationship, but you feel it's inappropriate give their relationship status.
Of course, this doesn't apply to people in open relationships, so feel free to ask that first. And maybe verify that fact.
Love bombing
What is it? This is an insidious tactic that has been around for years, but has only recently got a name. Love bombing is when someone moves a relationship along really quickly, telling you they love you on the second date, making plans to move in with you quickly after you meet, and just generally showing you loads and loads of affection.
This is usually followed by manipulative and controlling behavior, and can even lead to abuse. This person "reels you in" with this overwhelming love, lulls you into a sense that they adore you and would never hurt you, and then uses that bond to force you to comply with what they want.
Used it a sentence: "I didn't realize he could act like this because he was love bombing me in the beginning of our relationship."
How you can deal with it: It's best to cut love bombing off as soon as you catch it. Although you may be flattered by gifts and attention, remember that you both have control over the pace of the relationship. Let them know what you're comfortable with and don't let them manipulate you into doing anything you're not comfortable with.
If love bombing has crossed over into manipulation and abuse, you should tell someone you trust as soon as you feel safe. If you or someone you know has been the victim of domestic violence or abuse, you can contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
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