The INSIDER Summary:
- Defining the relationship can be tough.
- If you want to have this talk, experts suggest you wait until you're ready and be flexible, but let your needs be known.
- You can negotiate the terms of your relationship, but ultimately you should be happy and satisfied with the way it's going — label or not.
It's not always easy to know where you stand with someone romantically. Sure, you can be "cool" and "chill" for some time. Eventually, however, you need to know what's going on with this person you've been on multiple dates with.
In comes the talk or, as it's more commonly known, defining the relationship. This is a right of passage for many couples to see where they stand, and what they want going forward.
This is an inherently uncomfortable conversation to have, but it doesn't have to be a difficult one. To make it as easy as possible, INSIDER spoke with some relationship experts to get their tips on how to "DTR."
Take it slow.
If you're anything like me, you want to know what's going on with you and your potential partner the minute you meet. Although you don't want to beat around the bush if you like someone, giving your relationship some time to develop can actually work in your favor.
"There is no set time to 'have the talk.' If you reach a point where you're only comfortable continuing the relationship with a clear definition, then bring it up," counselor and co-author of the site The Popular Man David Bennett told INSIDER. "If your partner is on a different time-frame, then communicate about it, and see if you can reach an understanding."
You don't want to wait too long if a committed relationship with clear terms is something that you really want, but it's OK to let things progress on their own for a bit.
Feel the vibe.
Relationships can take many forms. I mean we probably all know a person who was still dating someone when they met the love of their life, and then they lived happily ever after. Not every relationship begins perfectly.
But you should try to pick up on the vibes. If you only see them after hours, you don't know any of their friends, and your relationship seems purely physical, they may not want anything serious.
"If you have to ask yourself 'what are we doing?,' deep down you know your answer, whether you verbalize it or not," relationships author and marriage life coach Shellie R. Warre told INSIDER.
That's not to say that your relationship can't morph into something different, but if you try to have a talk about making things more serious with someone you're not sure is ready for that, you should be ready to hear that they may not be interested in that.
Make your needs known to yourself and to them.
Before you can have this talk with a potential partner, you need to have a good talk with yourself about what you want out of a relationship — specifically, what you want at this time and with them.
"Defining a relationship is actually just a conversation about boundaries and expectations," sex and relationships coach Colby Marie Z told INSIDER. "And before you can effectively have that conversation with a partner, you have to devote some time to honest self reflection."
Figure out what you truly want first so there is no confusion when you go to speak with them. It's easy to go into this thinking you're going to be chill nd not expect much. But if you truly want a certain thing, save yourself some heartbreak later and be honest with this person.
Make it a negotiation.
Just because you go in with clear goals doesn't mean that you have to go in as a hardliner. Listen to what your potential partner needs and wants out of things too. Even if it doesn't exactly line up with what you want, sometimes you can find a way to make things work.
"I suggest asking in a way that is flexible and open to your partner's views on the issue," Bennett said. "Just became someone isn't ready to put a clear definition on a relationship doesn't mean he or she isn't into the other person. It just could be he or she had a different time-frame in mind, or has reasons to oppose defining it too soon"
Sometimes your needs won't align and it isn't meant to be, but often people just need a little time to get where you are.
Allow room for change.
It's important to have an establishing conversation about your relationship, but you should also allow things to change between you. Your relationship will never go exactly to plan, and you won't know your exact dynamic until you begin dating.
Don't be afraid to adjust things as you go and try to find a balance that works for both of you.
You shouldn't wait around forever for someone if they don't want an exclusive relationship with you if that's what you want, but you should give them time, especially if "the talk" comes as a surprise, to see what they want too.
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