- I used to share every small complaints about my boyfriend to my friends.
- Doing so didn't make me happier, and it wasn't helping how my friends see my relationship.
- So I stopped.
- It made me realize that I have it pretty darn good.
A wise movie character once said, "if you don’t have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me."
I am a big fan of venting and talking trash, which is something I have in common with most of the population, though they might not be as quick to admit it. I will say it can be an ugly quality of mine, as people tend to associate this kind of behavior with gossips and bullies.
At the same time, it's also one of my best qualities. So many of our initial thoughts can be raw, ugly, and hurtful. Being able to discuss you feelings in confidence, with someone you trust, allows you to get the ugliness out without hurting someone. Given my reputation (and passion) for speaking my mine, I've become that "safe space" for friends.
Basically, I'm cheap therapy for my friends.
Of course, when I began dating my boyfriend, he became a subject of these rants. My comments were mostly harmless, probably a lot of things I'd say to him myself had he been there. It was just like complaining about any person you may know.
But as we began to fight more and face real obstacles, I realized that that sharing my complaints wasn't helpful for anyone. At the end of the day, he's not a stranger in the laundry room or a friend: he's my partner. So I made the conscious decision to stop talking trash about him, and it's made all of the difference.
If you're friends with someone in a serious relationship, all you know about their relationship is what you can observe from what you see and what you're told. You have no idea what goes on behind closed doors — for better or worse.
By sharing so many minor and stupid complaints with friends, I was painting an incomplete picture of my relationship. I was wasting energy talking about the time he let his phone die and left me scared, but not taking the time to talk about the time that he went out of his way to secure me a Diet Coke on a bad day.
I realized in the middle of one of my stupid rants, that this wasn't a good or accurate summary of our relationship, which was unfair to him. I wasn't just ranting about the idiot on the subway platform who pushed me out of the way — I was talking about the person I love. It wasn't making me feel better about him or my relationship. It wasn't a release — it was a twist of the knife of things that bothered me.
So I made the conscious decision to stop. If I had a problem with something he did, I counted to 10. Then, if it still bothered me enough, I brought it up and we had an adult conversation. There was no need for a third party.
Because of this, I actually found myself getting annoyed with him less often. I didn't feed my impulses to turn a tiny disagreement into an all-out war. I didn't have an air of negativity when any little thing went wrong, because I knew I couldn't go run to my friend to complain.
And there is some science behind this — studies have shown that venting your frustrations to someone actually serves to make you angrier. You're basically winding yourself up more.
I had to deal with it myself, with him, face to face. And when you hear yourself whine to your adult boyfriend about minor things, you realize how minor they really are.
Through all of this, I realized that my boyfriend is actually a treasure. I love being around him, and I feel really lucky that these small grievances are all I have against him. It made me realize how small they actually are.
This doesn't mean I won't seek my friends' advice on bigger issues, even if my boyfriend is involved. It also doesn't mean I've given up smack talk for good. It's healthy to get things off your chest.
I also wouldn't advocate brushing your feelings aside on the things that really bother you, no matter who it concerns. Although studies may show tha venting may work you up more, research has also shown that when done correctly, venting your anger or frustrations has some serious pros.
But I've realized if I'm going to spend my life with someone, its probably best if I learn how to let the little things go and keep others out of our relationship.
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