- Take time to calm down after a fight.
- Assess your own feelings but think about your partner's, too.
- Come up with a solution and don't put off implementing it.
When you’re in a new relationship that first fight really sucks. It’s literally the worst. Up until that moment, you were in a bit of a dream world. You know, that honeymoon phase where you feel like you guys are perfect and neither of you has a fault and everything is all rainbows and sunshine and unicorns. Then you inevitably have a fight about one thing or another, and all of a sudden the bubble bursts and you both realize you are, well, human. (gasp!) And while that realization kind of sucks, it’s really important. Because how you both react to that first fight says a lot about the future of your relationship. Here are some tips for how to handle things when those rose colored glasses finally come off…
1. Take a minute: It’s important after a fight, especially if this is your first with your partner, to take a little time to yourself right after. Emotions are usually on high alert at the time of conflict, and you don’t want to accidentally say anything you don’t mean or can’t take back. So whether you take an hour or an afternoon to yourself, take that time to calm down and allow your rational self surface and come back into play!
2. Assess your feelings: Take note of what you’re feeling at the moment (whether it’s anger, hurt, disappointment, frustration or a combination of these), and realize why you are feeling each of these emotions. What specific incident led to each emotion. Once you recognize the source of each feeling, the better you can discuss what bothered you and resolve the issue.
3. Think about your partner: What did your partner seem to be feeling and how were they communicating that with you? Consider what possibly led them to their feelings and choices, and if you were the cause behind any and if so, how you can understand their reactions and how you can better yourself if need be.
4. Come up with a reasonable solution: Now that you’ve had a little time to mull things over and have calmed down a bit, try to come up with some solutions to the conflict that you BOTH think are reasonable and fair given the situation.
5. Don’t procrastinate: While it is important that you initially take a little time to yourself, do NOT put off confronting and discussing the fight with your partner for too long. The longer you wait, the worse it may be. The silence means you’re not communicating with each other and ignoring the real issue, creating a sense of distance in your relationship. While it may be uncomfortable at first, sitting down STAT and talking is ultimately the best things for you. The sooner you talk things out, the sooner you guys can resolve it and move on into the next phase of your relationship.
While the first fight certainly isn’t fun, it’s definitely not the end of the world either. Once you’re done with the fighting phase and you’re able to work through your differences and start the healing process, your relationship will be that much stronger. You’ll better understand yourself in the context of the relationship and have a solid appreciation for how the other really operates. And that’s when the real relationship starts. Plus, the making up part can be pretty fantastic…