- Studies show more and more millennials are choosing not to get married, and I’m one of them.
- Marriage doesn’t necessarily set up couples for long-term relationship success.
- I don’t want my relationship to be defined by one celebratory day with family and friends.
- As a society, we put too much emphasis on weddings.
I didn’t grow up envisioning a future wedding with countless guests, expensive food, a father-daughter dance, and a white dress. With my parents’ unhealthy and often violent relationship as my only benchmark, I viewed marriage as more of a conspiracy than a commitment: a way to keep someone trapped, unhappy, and dependent.
And although my view of marriage has evolved to that of a more mild, socially acceptable celebration, I still know it's not for me. My partner and I have been together for four years, have a 3-year-old son, and we’re currently trying for another child. We’ve moved across the country together, are considering buying a house, and have one another written into our respective wills. But we will not be getting married.
I’m not the only millennial woman bucking the prospect of traditional marriage.
According to a 2016 statistical study by Olin College Professor of Computer Science, Allen Downey,millennials are getting married later and, in growing numbers, may not be getting married at all. The fraction of women unmarried at age 33 has increased from 9% for women born in the '40s, to38% for women born in the '80s. According to the same study, it’s projected that 47% of women born in the 1990s will be unmarried when they’re 33.
Psychologist, relationship expert and author of "The Ultimate Guide to a Multi-Orgasmic Life" Antonia Hall told Bustle in 2016 that the cultural shift in how relationships are viewed havemade marriage vows less appealing than before.
"Many Millennials were raised with rising divorce rates and broken homes, so they're far less likely to buy into marriage as the only or best form of relationship for themselves. Add to that the increase in educational costs and debt, and Millennials feel less financially secure, which makes entering into what's considered a binding contract with their significant other far less appealing," said Hall.
In so many ways, I am a walking, talking, marriage-disregarding physical representation of the aforementioned studies. I’m 30 years old, born in 1987, and the bi-product ofgrowing up in a violent home with an abusive father. But as I’ve continued to grow in my relationship with my partner, I’ve realized that disregarding traditions that are problematic at best (a father giving his daughter away as if she’s a piece of property? Hard pass.) and navigating my complicated relationship with long-term commitment are not the only reasons why I have decideda white wedding isn’t the right life choice for me.
There are many reasons why I don't think marriage is right for me — and may not be right for a lot of people.
I’ve watched my friends rush to the altar in order to fulfill what they believe to be what’s socially (and often religiously) expected of them. They’ve overlooked red flags in light of a positive pregnancy test, and they’ve been in such a rush to hit the so-called "benchmarks of adulthood" that they’ve ignored obvious relationship problems. And, years later, I’ve watched those same friends traverse messy divorces and attempt to iron out acceptable child custody agreements.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), about40 to 50% of married couples in the United States end up divorced. That statistic, in and of itself, doesn’t scare me away from the overall idea of marriage. In fact, I believe divorce is a wonderful choice that saves countless women, men, and children, messy though it may be. After all, after 20 years surviving a physically, verbally, emotionally, and financially abusive marriage, it saved my mother. But I do think it is indicative of a greater problem: not with our society’s view of commitment but with our mindless worship of an institution that, in so many ways, doesn’t reinforce relationships or set them up for long-term success.
A signed piece of government paper, a few vows, and a day set aside to celebrate love with family and friends doesn’t validate the relationship I have worked hard for, share, and continuously cultivate with my partner. A wedding didn’t help us grow closer after we lost one of our twin sons when I was 19 weeks pregnant. Even the most meaningful vows didn’t help us get through the highs and lows of watching one of our babies born alive, while another one wasn’t.
As a couple, and as autonomous individuals, we have laid the foundation for a relationship that has endured more in four years than many do after 25 years of marriage. I do not want to cheapen the work we’ve done, and continue to do, by allowing the idea that a wedding is what truly defines our bond to manifest.
Of course, choosing to forego marriage hasn’t always been easy.
When I gave birth I had to write out my "worst case scenario" wishes on a piece of paper, and have it notarized in the hospital minutes later, to make sure that if I became incapacitated for any reason, my non-married partner could make healthcare decisions on my behalf. We’ve endured raised eyebrows and quick dismissals because "boyfriend" or "girlfriend" doesn’t hold the same cultural weight as "husband" or "wife."
I know that, for so many couples, marriage is a beautiful choice that does, in fact, strengthen their relationship. My grandparents, for example, have been married for 50 years, and I am in awe of them and the love they share.
But at the end of every day I spent with my partner, and as we continue to raise our son together, I am reminded that without marriage we have the freedom to define our relationship on our own terms, free from the social expectations that have attached themselves to even the most well-intentioned nuptials. We don’t rely on the memory of "one perfect day" or hold a string of promises made in front of family and friends as a reason to prioritize our relationship.
We choose one another, every day, all on our own.
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