Breaking up with someone is hard, but not texting that person ever again can be even harder. Whether it's a drunk text, casual check-in, or sly "Happy Birthday!" message, severing all forms of communication with an ex-partner is easier said than done.
According to psychotherapist Alex Carling, not texting an ex after a breakup is difficult for a number of reasons. One of which is the force of habit.
"After a breakup, our thought processes will be on auto-pilot. We will be thinking of them because our mind is used to doing so," she explained. "When the brain has processed a familiar pattern of thoughts, especially when there's been a strong emotional link over a period of time, the brain will start to predict it."
Essentially, you've grown so accustomed to texting your former significant other that you have to unlearn this behavior — which can be difficult, but not impossible. Carling has created a list of strategies that will help exes prevent themselves from texting one and other. Her tips are rooted in the idea that "thoughts, emotions, and behaviors are interlinked", and learning how to "attend to the emotional and cognitive pull of the problem."
So, if you want to avoid texting your ex, here's a relationship expert's guide to getting there:
Learn to listen to your thoughts.
Self-awareness is one of the most important aspects of recovering from a breakup, and it's the ability to be self-aware that will help you never text your ex again. No, seriously.
"Your thoughts are the starting point of disaster or regret when it comes to texting your ex," Carling told us. "If you don't become aware of your thoughts, the emotions will come with force and you could find it more difficult to pull back from those."
Accept and be OK with thoughts about your ex.
Pushing thoughts of your ex into a dark corner of your mind is actually more detrimental to your mental health in the long run.
"The worst thing you can do is try and deny your thoughts," Carling said. "Trying to push a thought out of your mind gives the thought strength, it can grow and begin to feel all-consuming. You may not want to remember the good times, you're probably not struck on all the different scenarios that pop into your head when you think about what your ex is up to; but they are all normal, natural and part of the process of having feelings for someone, so let them be and let them go."
Realize that wanting to text your ex is totally normal.
You probably texted your ex every single day for the duration of your relationship, so it's absolutely normal to want to reach out to them after going your separate ways. That's especially true if you feel like you didn't quite get the closure you were looking for.
"From a fling to a long-term relationship, if you liked your ex it's obvious that you're going to want to text them and if you feel like you were wronged — you probably have a lot you want to say," Carling said. "The issue is taking the wanting and turning it into a doing — that's what we're working towards avoiding."
See the rest of the story at Business Insider