- Conversation with strangers comes easily for some. For others, it can be an excruciating task.
- Small talk is a necessary skill for making connections and forming both personal and professional relationships.
- If you’re looking to improve your small-talk skills, here’s an expert take on the best tips for making conversation.
Small talk is excruciating for many people.
Unfortunately, it is a necessary evil if you want to make connections, both personal and professional.
“Small talk is the appetizer for any relationship,” Debra Fine, a internationally recognized expert on communication skills and bestselling author of “The Fine Art of Small Talk,” told Business Insider.
If you’re looking to improve your small-talk skills, here are Fine’s best tips for making conversation.
SEE ALSO: People hate small talk so much that some hosts have started banning it from their parties
1. Prepare some conversation topics based on the setting
Starting a conversation with a stranger can be daunting. How do you break the ice?
Fine suggested preparing a few conversation topics in advance.
"The best icebreaker you can use is one based on the free information about the occasion or location,” she said.
If you are at an event or party, for example, Fine recommended trying something like, “What is your connection to this event?” or, “How do you know the host?”
At an industry conference or function, you can try something like, “What do you know about the speaker?”
For a more general icebreaker, Fine said one of her go-tos is, “What keeps you busy?”
2. Be an active listener
Make sure to listen carefully when someone else is talking, Fine said. This not only makes people feel important, but also helps you listen for cues to keep the conversation going and bridge the gaps between topics.
To keep people engaged in conversation, Fine recommended actively showing the other person that you are listening through body language and verbal cues.
"Your body language is critical. You have to look like you're listening,” Fine said. Not making eye contact, fidgeting, playing with your hair, and having a defensive posture can make you seem uncomfortable or uninterested. “That can end a conversation pretty quickly,” she said.
Another trick is to verbally express that you are listening by periodically reacting with things like, "Uh-huh,""Right,"“OK,” “Mm-hm,” “I see,” "Oh wow," etc., while a person speaks, along with non-verbal cues like nodding or smiling when appropriate.
“Some quieter people are so polite, they do not want to interrupt,” Fine said. “If you don't say anything at all, you don't encourage people to keep talking.”
3. Ask questions, but don’t interrogate people
Asking people questions about themselves is a great way to initiate small talk, but it’s important to ask the right kinds of questions.
“I would never ask ‘Are you married?’ [or] ‘Do you have any kids?’” Fine said. Not only are these questions personal, she said, but they are yes or no questions that can lead to a dead end. “What if they say no? Where are we headed in this conversation?” Fine said.
Another thing to avoid is bombarding someone with several questions like, “Where are you from?” or, “What do you do?”
“You've now become an FBI agent,” Fine said.
She also warns against asking questions that might put someone on the spot.
“Don’t ask questions you don’t know the answer to that might become awkward,” she said. For example, say you run into an acquaintance who was working at a particular company the last time you saw them. Fine advises not to ask anything like, “How’s your job at ____?”
“What if that person just got fired or laid off?” she said. Instead, she recommended asking something like, “What’s new with work since I last saw you?”
"It's a very specific question that allows you to tell me what you want me to know,” Fine said. It invites detail, but doesn’t put the person on the spot.
See the rest of the story at Business Insider