- To a certain extent, some relationship obsession is normal, particularly at the beginning of a new relationship.
- And if both partners feel that this sort of relationship dynamic works for them, there might not be much that friends or family members can do.
- When it becomes one-sided, however, it's something about which you should probably be more concerned.
- Healthy relationships can require relationships with friends and family members as well, which is another factor that couples who only spend time together may want to consider.
In many, if not most, new relationships, couples tend to get a little bit obsessed with one another. The relationship is brand-new, everything's exciting, you're infatuated. Basically, it's like you live in a romantic comedy. Some people might question how healthy it is, particularly because obsession can sometimes have a bad reputation — it's associated with some not-so-great things.
But early on in relationships, infatuation-based obsession might not be so worrisome. Tara Vossenkemper, MA, LPC, a therapist and the founder of The Counseling Hub, told INSIDER that while it might not be the healthiest thing, per se, "...it's not uncommon, let's say that, in the beginning of a relationship."
Perhaps the most obvious sign that you and your partner might be too obsessed with each other at the beginning of your relationship is that you tend to withdraw a bit from other relationships.
"Friends, family, that's usually the first sign,"Monte Drenner, LMHC, MCAP, a licensed counselor at MTC Counseling, told INSIDER. "And I think, eventually, the couple will catch on, but usually it takes a while."
It's difficult when you're the friend or family member that feels like you're missing out on time spent with someone who's important to you, as Vossenkemper pointed out, but, again, to a certain extent, it's something that even friends and family members sort of expect.
"The couple's usually the last ones to figure this out because it's new, it's fresh, it's exciting, it's got all those things that stimulate the reward circuits in the brain," Drenner said.
And while this could happen either in the beginning of a relationship or be a sign that the obsession is taking a concerning turn, knowing the ins and outs of your partner's schedule can also indicate that you're a bit fixated on your partner and your relationship.
"Another sign is when the couple is overly focused on what their partner is doing, their schedule, or anyone they may be interacting with, often asking many questions or expressing thoughts that are driven by jealousy and insecurity,"Toni Coleman, LCSW, CMC, a psychotherapist, relationship coach, and divorce mediator, told INSIDER. "Couples who are obsessed may call or text each other constantly throughout the day — definitely crossing normal boundaries and even impacting a partner's work or ability to handle their responsibilities. A partner may talk about their significant other to others excessively, including mention of them in every conversation, and often painting them in glowing terms."
When this sort of thing happens at the beginning of a new relationship, it might be another manifestation of that early-relationship infatuation and nothing more, but when it happens later on in your relationship, it could certainly be far more troubling.
"Early relationship obsession usually begins to wear off when the initial phase of raging hormones has passed, the newness has begun to wear off — and they have moved into the next stage of more comfort and attachment," Coleman said. "At that point, they will be wanting to go out with friends as a couple or alone, and to include a partner in activities they enjoy or pursue them alone if the partner is not interested. They will still prioritize one another, but not to the exclusion of others that they were doing earlier. If these things do not begin to happen when the second stage hits, it's a red flag."
Drenner said that your romantic relationship can't be the only relationship in you and your partner's lives.
At least, it can't be that way for very long. "A relationship focused on itself can't sustain itself. Think of a stagnant pool, it's just gonna continue to get more and more stagnant," Drenner explained. "It's gotta have water flowing in, water flowing out that stems from friends, family being a part of that relationship."
If it seems like you, your partner, a loved one, or their partner, isn't able to move beyond that initial infatuation period, which can sometimes happen without the person even realizing it, that's when experts say things are more serious.
Vossenkemper said that one partner wanting to (or unintentionally) control the other's schedule and social engagements, merge finances too quickly or suggest that one partner stay home and be "taken care of" by the other partner, and other things like that, in which the one partner begins to lose their independence, can be a sign of abuse.
"When you're in that situation, it so gradually shifts and there are so many great memories sort of embedded in these weird, toxic patterns, that it's really, really hard to get out of," she said. "It's really, really hard to recognize in the first place and then also to remove yourself in the second place."
If you're in this situation and you're able to acknowledge that there's something going on in your relationship that you're not entirely comfortable with, Coleman suggested that you bring it up and try to address it.
"If a partner is feeling smothered or has concerns, they should address these immediately," Coleman said. "They should ask for and take more time alone and apart and see how the other handles it. Better to know sooner rather than later that this may be a relationship that will not work for them."
When it's a friend or family member and they can't see what's going on, but you see something that concerns you, it can be a bit of an awkward and delicate situation.
Vossenkemper suggested presenting the situation to your friend as though it's your relationship, not theirs.
"If I'm talking to my best friend who's in that situation and I say, 'look, Cindy, here's everything that is going on or everything that I'm seeing. What would you do if I was in your situation? What would your concerns be if it was me that was in your relationship?' And that way it can create some distance between the person and their relationship," she said. "It's hard to see when you're in it, but maybe if you're thinking about your best friend in that, it feels a little bit different."
And make sure that you're supportive, rather than judgmental, of your friend — and even of their partner, as difficult as that may be — because extricating themselves from a situation where there's concern with too much obsession isn't as easy as it sounds, Vossenkemper added.
Though a bit of borderline obsession might not be that surprising early on, later on in your relationship or if it starts to veer off into controlling, manipulative behaviors, that's when there might be cause for some real concern — and when you'll need a whole lot of support.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive or a dangerously manipulative relationship please seek help or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233.
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