- Small talk is regarded by many as a necessary evil, either because they're bad at it or because they'd rather skip and get to 'big talk.'
- According to David Burkus, author of "Friend of a Friend: Understanding the Hidden Networks That Can Transform Your Life and Your Career," small talk is more than just an act of politeness.
- Small talk can help people find meaningful connections.
- The foundations of many important relationships are built on small talk, so it's time we change our attitudes around it.
Most people say they hate "small talk."
Either because they feel they're bad at it, or they'd rather skip it and get to "big talk," many people look to avoid polite conversations about seemingly unimportant topics.
The best thing many people would say is that small talk is a necessary evil — a painful, but permanent, part of culture that demands we spend the first several minutes of a conversation discussing the weather or the events of the past week.
But small talk is more than just a cultural relic of 'polite society.'
I recently reviewed over 50 years of research into how people form connections and networks for my book, and one thing I quickly discovered was that small talk has a huge role in making better connections and growing networks.
To understand why, first we have to understand an odd-sounding phenomenon in social networks: multiplexity.
When studying how two people are connected to each other, network scientists will use the term multiplex — or conversely, uniplex — to refer to the depth and strength of their connection. So if you just know someone from work, that's a uniplex tie. But if you know someone from work, the gym, and the school your children attend, that's a multiplex tie.
Research into multiplex ties shows that we tend to seek out and prefer relationships built on multiplex connections. We build a deeper relationship faster to people with whom we can find multiplexity. Those relationships are richer, more trusting, and longer lasting.
History is full of great business partnerships built on multiplex ties. Bill Gates and Warren Buffett established their business partnership (and their friendship) not from any particular business deal, but over a shared love of the card game bridge. Before they made ice cream, Ben and Jerry built a friendship through conversations as they did laps in gym class (they were often the slowest pair so they had plenty of time to talk). Even Proctor and Gamble owes its start to Mr. Proctor and Mr. Gamble marrying a pair of sisters and having their father-in-law point out they had a lot in common.
In the office, a similar multiplex relationships work equally well. In one study of multiplexity in work relationships, researchers examined the relationships between employees at an insurance firm to determine if they impacted performance. The employees were surveyed to establish their work-related and personal ties to other employees and draw a network map of the organization. Then about a month later, the researchers gathered performance assessments from each employee's supervisor.
When they compared the strength of the relationship to performance, the researchers found that those who had more multiplex relationships also had better performance (even if the employees also reported having the multiplex relationships as more taxing.)
So what does small talk have to do with multiplexity?
It's in small talk, in conversations unrelated to work, where we explore other aspects of the person with whom we're conversing. Unless you're always asking the same few questions about the weather, it's because of small talk that we find out we watch the same television shows, cheer for the same sports teams, that our kids go to the same school, or that we both went to the same college. Sure, it's possible to find all of this information outside of small talk, but it's much more likely to come to the surface during that phase of the conversation than any other.
So perhaps it's time we changed our attitudes about small talk. If we're generally interested in the other person and wanting to build multiplex ties, then it's not a ritual to suffer through…it's a vital part of strengthening a connection. Big relationships are built on small talk.
David Burkus is the best-selling author of three books, including the forthcoming Friend of a Friend, and Associate Professor of Leadership and Innovation at Oral Roberts University. For more information, visit his website.
SEE ALSO: 13 ways to get better at small talk
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