The 3 biggest money hurdles every relationship faces — and how to survive them

• Money is one of the biggest relationship stressors and source of conflict in relationships.
• The key to preventing money from derailing a relationship is to turn arguments into productive conversations about long-term and short-term spending and savings goals.
• Here are three of the biggest money challenges Michelle Brownstein of Personal Capital says she sees couples face, and what you can do to survive them.

According to a national survey, over three in four Americans say that finding love is more important than being wealthy. Romantic…right?

Romantic, yes, but realistic, no. Ask any couple what they fight about the most, and odds are money is high on the list. In fact, more than half (54%) of Americans say money is the biggest relationship stressor. Miscommunication over finances is a primary reason relationships — and marriages — fail.

The key to keeping money from derailing relationships new or old is to turn those potentially damaging arguments into productive conversations. As the vice president of private client services at Personal Capital, here are the three biggest money challenges I see in relationships, and the conversations that can help you survive them:

SEE ALSO: A relationship therapist explains the biggest reason money ruins marriages

1. Not having the “S” talk: spending & savings

I often see couples who talk about their plans for the future but avoid talking about how they’re going to pay for said future. It’s essential to get on the same financial page as your spouse. Understanding one another’s “money style,” starting with savings and spending patterns, is a necessary first step in achieving both short-term and long-term savings goals.

Partners should discuss what ‘savings’ means to them, and how they each typically approach building a budget. Since saving can only occur within the context of spending, it’s important to discuss what each other’s regular spending habits look like and how much of that spending is “needs”-driven rather than “wants”-driven.

Once there’s a baseline understanding of each other’s styles, it’s a lot easier to discuss the steps to achieving joint goals.

2. A bundle of joy – and a bundle of bills

Typically, when couples talk about expanding their families, they daydream about how many kids they’ll have, who their children might look like, and what names to give them. What’s less frequently discussed are the costs associated with raising a child: A middle-income married family will spend about $233,610 on one child from birth to age 17 — and that doesn’t even include the cost of college.

Couples should expand the conversation about the costs associated with having a family beyond the immediate needs of daycare, diapers, and baby equipment to include how they envision their child’s future: Private or public school? How will college be funded? What financial lessons and habits are important to pass on?

It’s important to remember that there aren’t right or wrong answers to any of these questions, and they don’t need to be solved all at once. But having conversations early and identifying where there may be differences in perspective allows more time to prepare for the areas of disagreement or to rearrange financial priorities as needed.

3. Renting vs. buying

Settling into a new home can bring couples closer together, but uninformed buying can tear relationships apart. There are two stages where couples most frequently fight about where to live and how to pay for it: early in the relationship, and when they approach retirement.

When making the decision to live together, outline all the expenses associated with renting versus buying. It’s important to be upfront and honest about personal history early on, including factors like debt and credit score. These will all come to the surface when applying for a home, so laying it out on the table will prevent conflict later on.

Remember, becoming a homeowner means a number of new expenses that don’t come into play when renting: mortgage, homeowner’s insurance, and property taxes, just to name a few. A good rule of thumb to consider when planning for costs is not to spend more than 28% of gross income on housing in any given month.

The rent versus buy conversation also surfaces for many couples approaching retirement. Outlining early what’s important for each partner when it comes to retirement lifestyles — from location and amenities to convenience and social circles — is crucial to finding a compromise that makes everyone happy.

Love should be about the heart, not the wallet, but even the strongest relationships will be tested by financial realities. Preparing for common financial challenges early can help couples focus on what matters: each other.

Michelle Brownstein, CFP, is Vice President of Private Client Services at Personal Capital.