Chances are you've been through at least one breakup in your life. Nobody finds them easy, but because of the way we're wired — and our desire for connection — we can fall into traps that make breaking up with a partner even more difficult than it has to be.
"Breakups happen for a whole host of reasons," said Jennifer B. Rhodes, a psychologist, dating coach, and founder of Rapport Relationships. "And I think someone's background and experience with relationships in general might dictate their behaviour during the course of a breakup."
Business Insider spoke to two relationship experts about the biggest mistakes people make when they are trying to end their relationships, and how this can have a negative impact them and their future relationships.
All breakups are different, and there are no set rules, but sometimes it's helpful to know what you really shouldn't be doing — especially in the emotionally confusing mess your mind will be in when you lose someone you really care about.
Here's what they said:
1. Actively seeking out the other person.
In the immediate aftermath of a breakup, the massive sense of loss is likely to fall down on you pretty hard. Even if ending the relationship was your idea, you might not have realised how lonely it would feel knowing you don't have that person there for you anymore.
This can mean people contact the other person and talk to them, because the habit is so hard to break. Ex-partners might find themselves falling into their old conversations, and even meeting up, because it feels familiar. But this won't do you any favours in the long run, especially if things get physical again.
"I think the biggest mistake people can make is that when you are in pain, to actively seek out and engage the other person," said Rhodes. "You're not really thinking things through, and you're just kind of reacting... I think when people are reacting to a breakup within that first month, they might be likely to do something pretty impulsive."
2. Not doing 'no contact.'
This isn't to say exes can't be friends. They can, with enough time, and if both people have strong boundaries. But people are impatient, and this can mean they don't take enough time to reflect and really get over the relationship before trying to be friends.
Sometimes people don't have the best intentions either, because they are impulsively reacting to the loss. This can make people behave quite strangely, like breaking into their exes property, destroying their belongings, or coming up to them uninvited in the street.
"I always think it's a good idea to just take some time, at least 21 days, to have no contact with the other person to clear your head and get your space, and think about what it is that you really want," said Rhodes. "Otherwise you end up escalating a situation and things can be really scary and ridiculous."
3. Getting back out there too soon.
It's not just the relationship you left behind that takes time. If you don't wait long enough before dating again, you'll probably be doing yourself a massive disservice.
"A lot of people, the minute they break up with someone they are back out online again," said Erika Ettin, a dating coach, and founder of dating site A Little Nudge. "And that's not something I would recommend, because you haven't given it any time to sink in."
If you jump back into the dating scene too soon, you haven't given yourself a chance to learn from the experience, or mourn the end of your relationship.
"You're not mourning a person's life, but you're mourning part of your own life that is now not there," Ettin said. "I think too few people actually take that time to actually get back to the equilibrium of who they are, to heal, or to figure out what they have to offer again, or what they like to do on their own."
So take a deep breath and allow yourself to take that time. People will always be looking to date, so you're not missing out on anyone if you don't re-download Tinder the next day.
See the rest of the story at Business Insider