- Many people have close relationships with their work colleagues.
- Sometimes, you might even have a "work spouse," who you spend a lot more time with.
- These relationships can be healthy or unhealthy, depending on how you approach them.
- It's important both of you are on the same page, and you both have boundaries in place.
- Otherwise, things can get complicated.
If you've worked somewhere for a while, you might have a "work spouse." It's essentially someone, usually of the opposite sex, who you spend the majority of your free time at work with.
While it sounds like a way to make the office more tolerable, some work wife/husband relationships can verge into being quite intense. In 2017, a survey from totaljobs found that nearly a quarter of people who had work spouse friendships would consider leaving the company if their "other half" did.
And while there is nothing necessarily insidious about having close friendships at work, there is potential for them to become unhealthy.
According to Jennifer B. Rhodes, a psychologist, dating coach, and founder of Rapport Relationships, it's no surprise that bonds are formed in offices where colleagues spend much of their days together.
For example, friendship expert Shasta Nelson quotes some well known research in her book about how children forge relationships, which showed how kids became better friends with those who they spent more time with. Also, other research has shown how it takes around 200 hours to become "best friends" with someone.
"No one should really be surprised that if they are spending the majority of their time at their workplace, there would be close friendships that come out of just being around the same people for as many hours as you are at work," Rhodes told Business Insider.
How healthy the relationship is depends on you
As for whether this close bond is healthy, that all comes down to how you approach the friendship, and how strong your boundaries are.
"There is a tendency for people to have an emotional affair with their work wife or work husband when things are not really going well at home," Rhodes said. "And I think they really need to be cognisant that an emotional affair can sometimes be worse than having a physical affair with someone."
After all, it isn't uncommon for people to fall in love with their colleagues, with an estimated 22% of people meeting their significant other at work. Sometimes, the amount of time we spend with our colleagues can mimic the intimacy of a more established relationship, and this can lead to confusion and mixed messages.
"I don't see a problem with [work spouse relationships] unless they are being used for something that's more intimate than would be appropriate in a work setting," said Rhodes. "But everyone should think about what are their own personal boundaries and be open to discussing it if it needs to be discussed."
Things can get even more complicated if the real life partner of someone with a work spouse starts to feel the strain and gets jealous. Rhodes said for starters, your real spouse should always know if there is a work wife or husband.
Secondly, if the real partner wants to meet the work partner, that's a totally reasonable request. Otherwise, if they are constantly hearing about another person who is getting to spend all this time with their partner, things can spiral into resentment.
"You're inserting that person into your home and it can be quite damaging over time unless that person makes it very clear there's nothing else to the work relationship," Rhodes said. "But it happens all the time."
If your partner does have a work spouse, you can tell a lot from the way they react to you bringing it up, Rhodes added. For example, some may brush it off as "not a big deal," and accuse you of acting jealous. They might be right about your concerns — and perhaps you are being paranoid — but it's important to remember that doesn't give them the right to be insensitive.
"I would actually start questioning whether or not this person has the relationship skills to handle having a work wife or work husband," Rhodes said. "I think the way someone handles someone's questioning of that says a lot about their ability to be a good partner in a relationship, and that would raise a ton of red flags for me."
There are plenty of known benefits, too
This isn't to say all work spouse relationships are bad. In fact, they can be beneficial for all involved. Not only is it good for business and cooperation within the company, it's healthy for people to feel like someone knows exactly what they are going through, which can decrease stress. Research has also shown in the past that having a work spouse can make you happier.
"I think having healthy relationships with people who are supportive and collaborative is the key to someone's success both personally and professionally," said Rhodes. "It might be that if someone has a healthy work wife/work husband relationship, that person doesn't have to take the stress home to their personal life — so it might create a situation that feels healthier than if someone is so burnt out they come home and take it out on their partner."
It all comes down to what you think you both get from the relationship. If you and your work spouse are on the same page, and you simply like sharing the ups and downs of work together, that's perfectly sustainable. But if you get the sense one of you is using the other, and your work relationship is slowly seeping into your other ones in a negative way, it might be time to question your own, and their, intentions.
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