- There are three distinct types of attachment style: secure, anxious, and avoidant.
- Securely attached people generally had a healthy childhood and are better at approaching intimate relationships.
- Anxious and avoidant people find intimacy more of a struggle.
- This is often because of a trauma in early life, such as neglect, poor parenting, or an abusive relationship.
Even the most reclusive of people need human attachment. That's why solitary confinement is such a successful form of torture. We are simply wired for attachment, since the day we were born and and started crying for our mothers.
As we grow up, we learn how to form bonds with other people, and our early experiences with intimate relationships heavily impact how we approach attachment in the future.
It starts with how our parents related to us, then we are shaped further by other experiences with friends, teachers, and the first romantic relationships we have.
"We are run by stories, and we don't know what kinds of assumptions rule us until we pause and reflect," psychologist Perpetua Neo told Business Insider.
"In therapy we call these stories 'core beliefs' ... but I say we are run by stories. It could be upbringing, it could be a difficult experience, or attachment, that can lead to stories about us, such as 'I'm not good enough,' 'I'm not worthy,' 'I'm unlovable.'"
Our stories can place us anywhere on a wide spectrum of how we approach intimacy, but people can generally be divided into three categories for how they attach to others: avoidant, anxious, and secure. Avoidant and anxious attachment styles are often the result of early trauma, while secure attachment tends to mean your childhood was healthy.
Here are the differences between them and how they affect your romantic relationships:
Secure attachment
About half of the population have a healthy, secure attachment style. This means they are comfortable with intimacy, and tend to be more satisfied in their relationships.
The security usually stems from having a healthy relationship with parents, where they were allowed to go out and explore the world as children, but also felt safe and protected. In adulthood, this is mirrored in not smothering their partner, and trusting them to lead an independent life — while also knowing when to be honest, intimate, and supportive.
Secure people are better at accepting their partner's shortcomings, and are responsive to what they need. They don't manipulate or play games because their self-esteem is fairly high. Even in conflict, they are better equipped to make their points while listening to the grievances of their partner without getting overly defensive, so they don't get sucked into a perpetual cycle of criticism and fighting.
Anxious attachment
Anxiously attached people become incredibly unhappy and worried about being too much or too little for the person they are dating, and take everything incredibly personally. They don't really live in the moment, but instead place a lot of high hopes on their partner, and get attached to their potential.
This is often because they expect their relationship to define them, rescue them, or complete them. They cling to their partner codependently, because they are afraid of being alone.
In a blog post for Psychology Today, clinical psychologist Lisa Firestone explains that anxiously attached people end up taking actions that push their partner away, because they become a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, by being desperate to hang onto their bond, they break it.
"When they feel unsure of their partner’s feelings and unsafe in their relationship, they often become clingy, demanding or possessive toward their partner," Firestone wrote. "They may also interpret independent actions by their partner as affirmation of their fears. For example, if their partner starts socializing more with friends, they may think, 'See? He doesn’t really love me. This means he is going to leave me. I was right not to trust him.'"
In an attempt to alleviate their relationship anxiety, they sometimes play games in their relationship to get attention. This can be acting out, trying to make their partner jealous, or withdrawing and stop answering texts or calls. This rarely ends in happiness, because they end up attracting people with the third type of attachment style — avoidant.
Avoidant attachment
People with an avoidant attachment style completely avoid relationships altogether, or keep anyone new they meet at a distance. They may sabotage their blossoming romances out of nowhere, because they are scared their new partner will leave them — so they get in there first.
"This is an unconscious attempt to make sure that they never again go through anything like they went through with their original caregiver,"psychotherapist Allison Abramstold Business Insider. "The irony is that by engaging in these defenses that we've learned we are actually recreating the very thing we were trying to avoid."
Avoidantly attached people can be divided into two categories: dismissive and fearful. Dismissive avoidant people have the tendency to emotionally distance themselves from their partner and thus come off as overly focused on themselves. Fearful avoidant people are afraid of being too close or too distant from their partners, which means they can struggle to keep their emotions in check, get overwhelmed easily, and can have intense mood swings.
"They see their relationships from the working model that you need to go toward others to get your needs met, but if you get close to others, they will hurt you," wrote Firestone. "In other words, the person they want to go to for safety is the same person they are frightened to be close to. As a result, they have no organized strategy for getting their needs met by others."
Humans are creatures of habit, and sometimes repeat behaviours to make up for the falls of their previous ones. In psychology this is called repetition compulsion, and it essentially means you're trying to fix the past by pursuing similar situations or people who once hurt you. Anxiously attached people do this by pursuing avoidantly attached people.
The avoidant one of the pair then has someone who is constantly after them, even if they put in little effort, while the anxious person's fears of not being enough are validated.
How to break the cycle
Most people don't change their attachment style, according to Psych Central. But there are some ways you can alter yours, such as seeking therapy, and only pursuing relationships with securely attached people.
Most importantly, realising the problem is half the battle. Once you are aware of how you attach to others, you'll be able to better recognise when you're reacting in a way that is directly related to your fears, according to Firestone.
"By becoming aware of your attachment style, both you and your partner can challenge the insecurities and fears supported by your age-old working models and develop new styles of attachment for sustaining a satisfying, loving relationship," she wrote.
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