Infidelity is something you hope you never have to deal with —then one day you spot a text on your partner’s phone that is just a little too friendly. But, before you smash all your partner’s belongings and kick them out of the house, take a moment to reflect on the best way to react to the situation.
Even though your emotions might try to sway you towards having an aggressive, screaming confrontation with your partner, that’s not always the best way to resolve the issue. You’re a mature adult and, although the situation isn’t ideal, you should time to slow your roll, because you and your relationship will be better off for it.
So, without further ado, here are the best things to do if you think your partner is cheating, according to psychotherapist and relationship expert Alex Carling.
Make a pros and cons list.
It might seem trivial, but making a for and against list can help you face reality head-on. Is the relationship worth pursuing if your suspicions of cheating are confirmed? Can you move forward after a cheating incident? These are all important questions to ask yourself, and a pros and cons list can definitely help put that reality into perspective.
“Sometimes a suspicion, if left, can grow and grow," Carling said. "We may be seeing validation where there isn't any because we become so consumed, we can start to twist our reality. Drawing a list helps you externalize (get it out of your head) and see it from a different perspective — this may be enough to soothe you or encourage you to take direct action."
Analyze your list for "red flags."
Taking a look at your past relationships can help give you clarity in the here and now. Are there any notable thoughts or experiences on your pro-con list that you’ve encountered in the past? What do these actions and feelings mean to you? You might be able to better understand your own projections and suspicions by reflecting on what went wrong in your past relationships.
“Sometimes we can project our past experiences onto our new partners or we can project our own insecurities onto them too," Carling said. "When we do this, we're subconsciously looking for ways to reinforce our beliefs about people or ourselves. Taking some time to look at your list beyond face value may help you see some familiar patterns in your relationships and your actions within them — knowing these things can give you more choices when moving forwards."
Seek out supportive friends.
Finding people in your life that are supportive and willing to give you advice (whether or not you want to hear it) is an important and mature action to take, especially if you think your partner is cheating on you.
“Sometimes saying things out loud can change the power of the thought and if they've known you long enough, they could help you make some familiar links (i.e. confront your negative thinking and remind you how often you do this). Supportive friends also have you as a priority in situations like this, they don't have an ulterior motive for drama, for example. Let's say you decide after speaking to your friend, to confront your partner; if they have been cheating, then you already have someone there who knows and who can help you pick up the pieces — this will reduce the risk of you isolating yourself and suffering in silence," Carling said.
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