- According to a new survey, nearly two thirds of people have looked through their partner's private messages.
- A third of people admitted to doing it less than six months into their relationship.
- People snoop for various reasons. They might have been hurt in the past, or they might simply be curious.
- But it's important to remember a conversation is always superior to an invasion of privacy.
- And the minute you go through your partner's things, it's you who becomes untrustworthy.
Have you ever looked through your partner's phone? Be honest. It might not even have been fueled by jealousy — perhaps you were just curious one day about who your significant other had been talking to recently. But instead of asking them, you decided to do some sleuthing on your own.
The home improvement app Porch conducted a survey recently that found 57% of people have gone through their partner's text or call history, and 50% have checked their Facebook activity.
The company surveyed 1,000 people currently in relationships, finding that 49.6% of male respondents had snooped through their partner's devices, while 67.3% of women were guilty of it.
Also, a third of the sleuths admitted to invading their partner's privacy less than six months into dating. Marriage didn't have much of a positive impact on trust either, with over 66% of married people still snooping on their spouses.
Checking up on your partner isn't particularly denoting of trust. And along with communication, trust is heralded as one of the major aspects of making a relationship work in the first place.
According to Erika Ettin, relationship coach and founder of dating site A Little Nudge, there are two sides to the "trust" coin: your past experiences, and your partner's behaviour towards you.
"If you've had prior experiences with putting trust in someone who has subsequently broken it, then you're more inclined to project that distrust onto a new partner," she told Business Insider. "No one should have to pay — in this case by you snooping — for your prior negative experiences."
She added that instead of making your partner the bearer of that burden, you would be better off seeking advice from a therapist or counsellor. That way you can work through your trust issues in a safe place, and find out whether your fears are justified or if you're trying to push someone away.
"On the flip side, if your partner gives you reason to suspect that something unsavory is going on, then you might also be inclined to snoop," Ettin added. Because there is always the possibility your partner is up to no good.
In the survey, the biggest incentive for snooping wasn't trust or infidelity — it was curiosity. Over 56% of people said they looked through their partner's messages not because they were looking for anything in particular, but just because they were curious.
Although, about 36% said they were afraid their partner was lying, and about 27% thought they might be cheating.
Whatever the motivation, and whether you've had issues in the past with unfaithful partners or not, having a conversation with your partner is always going to be superior to jumping to conclusions and putting your nose where it shouldn't be, Ettin said.
"Ask what's going on, not to put him or her on the defensive, but to open the conversation," she said. "Most things can be resolved with open communication. Snooping through someone's things is not healthy. Whether you find out something you didn't want to or not, get down to the root cause of your distrust and address that."
However, respondents were not all sorry for their behaviour. In fact, the majority (78%) said they didn't feel guilty for prying into their partner's personal life. Perhaps because the feelings of relief after finding nothing, or the vindication after finding something, are too strong to outweigh any regret.
"The temptation will always be there, even if there's no reason for it at all, but just as we practice self-control when we go to the gym vs. happy hour, self-control is important here in order to maintain an honest and healthy relationship," Ettin said. "And remember, the minute you snoop, you're the one who becomes untrustworthy."