- If you’ve cheated on your partner, revealing your infidelity can help you save or end your relationship.
- The setting, choice of language, and your expectations are all important parts of telling your significant other you’ve been unfaithful.
- Here’s how to tell your partner that you cheated on them.
So you did the unthinkable – you cheated on your partner. Now, you want to come clean. Whether it was a drunken one-time thing with a coworker at the Christmas party or you can’t even keep all your lovers’ names straight anymore, the time has come to tell your partner the truth. But that’s easier said than done.
There’s no undoing your mistakes, but there is a right and wrong way to tell someone that you cheated.
First of all, consider whether telling your partner about your infidelity is a good idea.
Are you telling your partner you cheated because you’re wracked with guilt and need to soothe your own conscience? Or are you using the confession to start a conversation about the relationship?
Experts agree that the motivation behind telling someone you cheated is extremely important, but surprisingly, not everyone thinks that coming clean is a good idea.
“More often than not, I usually advise against [clients] telling their partner if they’ve cheated, especially if this is something that will not be repeated,” psychotherapist Deborah Duley, MSW, LSGW toldBustle. “I find that a revelation to a partner about a hurtful event is more about easing the client’s conscience and less about helping the relationship.”
Honesty is usually the best policy. However, if you’re planning on leaving the relationship or the infidelity was definitely a one-time incident, it may be kinder to leave them in the dark.
It's worth noting that not all experts agree with this view though.
"When you violate your partner’s trust, you violate your relationship — even if you’re just keeping secrets as opposed to actually lying (although in my opinion, keeping secrets is just another form of lying),"Robert Weiss, LCSW, wrote in Psychology Today.
If you do decide to tell them, make sure you’re in the right setting.
At home with plenty of privacy and time on your hands? Good. In a crowded restaurant or just before a big event? Not so good.
Be positive that you and your partner are in a safe, comfortable place before you make your confession. They’re likely to have strong emotions, and it could be extremely frustrating or even traumatizing for them to be forced to experience those emotions in a public space.
Additionally, don’t plan the conversation too close to any appointments or social engagements. It’s a safe bet that neither of you will be in any state to entertain after the big reveal, and it’s unfair to your partner to put a time limit on the conversation.
You should simply stick to the facts at first.
Give a clear account of the infidelity without using vague language. Say "I had sex with this person on three different occasions," and not "I hooked up with this person a few times." Don’t leave anything open to interpretation and don’t try to soften the blow by lying.
If there was sexual contact, you need to tell your partner whether or not you used protection. Either way they should likely get tested for STIs.
Don’t try to defend your actions, but make sure you’re honest about what led to the infidelity.
The key here is to focus on what you did wrong, not what your partner could have done to prevent you from straying.
“In the early stages of talking about it, anything you say that sounds like a justification for what you did will make [your partner] feel shame and anger,” Jim Walkup, M.F.T., a therapist in New York City, toldMen’s Health.
Use language that acknowledges your culpability and doesn’t shift the blame to your partner.
If in subsequent conversations your partner seems able and willing to listen, be upfront about any issues in the relationship that impacted your decision to be unfaithful. This could be anything from a lack of physical intimacy between you and your partner to your own struggle with alcohol. Don’t make excuses, but be real about why you did what you did.
Be prepared to get into the dirty details.
Some people want to know as little as possible about their partner’s infidelity. Others won’t be able to move on until they have all the specifics, including dates, times, and names.
If you’re looking to mend trust, be prepared to divulge the details of your transgressions if your partner asks for them. Withholding particulars because they are embarrassing or difficult to talk about might come across as secretive or dishonest, and you definitely don’t want to give your partner that impression.
“If she wants to know details that you think might be overly personal, ask her if she really wants to know,” suggests sex and relationship therapist Tammy Nelson, Ph.D. Men’s Health. “But respect her enough to tell her that she deserves the truth and that you aren’t going to hide anything from her.”
Know what you’re willing to do to save the relationship — if that’s what you want.
Confessing is one thing, but being ready to put in the work to repair a damaged relationship is quite another.
If you both come to the decision that the relationship is worth salvaging, then it’s time to figure out what you need to do in order to move forward.
“If, after a few weeks, your partner is still icing you out, it may be time to ask when the two of you can start rebuilding trust again. Slow, vulnerable steps are the only way to make progress and rebuild,” couples therapist Emily V. Gordon toldRefinery29.
Obviously, your partner will need time to process what you’ve revealed. They might be furious, sad, or even relieved that any warning signs weren’t just in their head. They’re entitled to their emotions and you can’t impose a timeline for healing and forgiveness on them.
But you’re not required to be a punching bag.
“You cheating doesn’t give your partner license to attack or abuse you. You don’t need to give up all of your privacy or allow your partner to control your life,” sex therapist Vanessa Marin toldLifehacker.
If you partner is demanding unrestricted access to your email, phone, or social media accounts, acknowledge that you want to regain their trust but suggest that being there may be healthier ways of doing that.
You should also decide if anyone else will be told.
This includes children, family members, and friends. Regardless of the outcome of your confession, there should be a conversation about revealing the infidelity to anyone outside the relationship.
If you will be staying together, you should come to a decision as a couple as to whether the infidelity should stay between you two or whether it can be shared.
In the case of a breakup, you should decide what explanation, if any, you are prepared to give to family and friends.
As the cheating partner, you might not have much of a say in this matter, but it is still worth talking about.
Consider getting a professional to help you navigate the situation.
If your infidelity was more than just an isolated incident or involves complicating factors like a sexually transmitted disease or children outside the relationship, you should look into seeking professional assistance from a couples counselor during the confession.
"Instead of just spouting all of your dirty secrets on demand, assure your significant other that you will answer every question, but you want to do it properly and in a controlled setting, where a professional can help both of you process and understand the revelations and the feelings that will likely ensue,” Weiss wrote in Psychology Today.
The most important thing to remember when you’re telling someone that you cheated on them is that you’re doing this so that you both can move forward. Focus on telling the truth and be ready to accept the consequences.
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