- A few disagreements in a relationship are normal.
- It's also perfectly natural for the passion to fizzle out a bit.
- But if your minor arguments always blow up and the thought of touching each other repulses you, that's a major sign something is off.
- It can be hard to know whether it's time to say goodbye, but counselor Suzanne Degges-White has laid out five key ways you can work it out.
Relationships aren't always going to be smooth sailing. Even the couples who look perfect from the outside have issues they need to work through. After all, nothing worth having comes easy.
But for those in long-term relationships, it can be hard to work out if you should call it a day or tough it out. When you've been together a long time, you're comfortable and familiar with each other, and letting go may seem more and more difficult.
According to counselor Suzanne Degges-White, there are a few signs that a relationship is really over. She wrote in a blog post on Psychology Today how there will be times where it feels like you and your partner live separate lives, and these lulls are normal.
"We're not static, which is a good thing or we wouldn't be able to grow and learn from past experiences," she wrote.
"We all change over time and if our relationships are reflecting the changes that we are experiencing as individuals, the static state of the relationship may begin to feel like the beginning of the end of the relationship."
But sometimes people don't grow in the same direction, and it becomes time for them to walk away from the relationship.
Here are five signs your relationship is over, according to Degges-White.
1. You're always annoyed at your partner.
When someone is around you all the time, you might end up directing your frustrations at them. In a healthy relationship, your partner is there to help you through the tough times. But in a bad one, you don't communicate properly, and a lot gets left unsaid.
If you're always feeling angry with your partner, Degges-White said you should figure out if you would be happier if you broke up. If the answer is yes, it's time to say goodbye.
2. The thought of them touching you makes you cringe.
Sexual ups and downs are normal in all relationships. Also, the honeymoon doesn't last forever, so you won't always be throwing yourselves at each other. Degges-White said when the passion fizzles out, what remains is intimate friendships and a lasting connection.
Fantasising about other people is normal too. But if you're doing it all the time, and the thought of your real partner brings you up in a rash, that's a bad sign. Degges-White said if you're too exhausted or burned out to have sex, that's fine. It's about whether you still find each other attractive or not.
"While sex is never the glue that keeps a relationship a long-term success, if you can no longer take any pleasure in even a memory of sexual satisfaction with your partner or feel a hint of desire to be with your partner in an intimate manner, something is definitely amiss," she said.
3. You start to hate their habits.
At the beginning of a relationship, everything seems perfect. You're more likely to give them the benefit of the doubt for their behaviours, and all their habits seem cute and endearing.
Fast forward a few months or years, and those little quirks might seem excruciatingly annoying. Degges-White said if you can't stand the way your partner is chewing their food, clicking their fingers, or anything else, it's probably got more to do with you than them.
"A lot of us want to snap at our partners because we're ticked off about something else entirely — we choose partners and families as our 'safe spaces' to take out our 'not so pretty' feelings," she said.
"When you can't stand looking at your partner or dread your partner's return home or feel like you're going to scream if your partner starts telling the same joke/boring story/dumb remark/etc., then you probably need to sit down and talk honestly about whether or not the relationship is growing into what both you and your partner need it to be."
4. Arguments are escalating.
All couples fight. In fact, it can sometimes be the healthiest way to resolve an issue, as long as you do it in the right way. So the occasional row isn't a sign you're wrong for each other.
However, minor disagreements that always blow up into screaming matches are not healthy. And if you're point scoring, always bringing up the past, or trying to hurt each other, you're not trying to move forward — you're pushing each other away.
5. It's not going anywhere.
Nobody wants to be in a dead end relationship that seems to be going nowhere. Degges-White said if you think your partner is trying to change for the better, you should give them some space to do it. But if they listen to your worries, and dismiss them rather than engaging, that's a red flag.
"Sometimes we need to give a deadline to a potential long term partner," she said. "And while you need to be flexible just to accommodate real world issues that might arise, if a partner can't agree to a reasonable timeline for the relationship to kick it up to the next level, it might be better to end it completely rather than leaving it in idle long term."
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