No one begins a relationship expecting that their partner will cheat on them. Everyone wants to think the best of the person they love, so discovering that your partner has been unfaithful can feel like a life-shattering event.
If you suspect or have proof that your partner has cheated on you, it’s not always clear what to do next. How do you confront your partner about cheating? What should a conversation about infidelity look like? What if you want to stay together?
Besides throwing all their clothes on the lawn, there are ways of having that difficult conversation that minimizes the heartbreak for both parties and possibly even facilitate a way forward.
First, take a deep breath and evaluate the information you have.
If you’ve been the victim of cheating in the past, it’s easy to see infidelity in every hour that your partner works late or each time that their phone lights up with a number you don’t recognize.
Do you have proof that your partner cheated? Without proof, you’re relying on your partner’s sense of honesty and openness to get the truth. If your partner is actually having an illicit affair, honesty and openness are clearly not priorities for them.
"Without proof, you will look (or be treated) like a distrusting fool at best and, at worst, you will ensure that your cheating partner learns to cover their tracks better," relationship therapist Sheri Meyers toldHuffPost.
If you do have proof in the form of emails, texts, panties, or eyewitness accounts from trusted friends or family, then you should start thinking about a confrontation.
Ask yourself what kind of outcome you want.
Once you feel confident that you do want to confront your partner, try to figure out what you’d like the outcome of that confrontation to be.
Do you want to stay together? If so, what would that look like? What steps do you both need to take to heal? How do you think your partner could win back your trust?
Do you want to break up? If so, how should you handle telling the kids? Who needs to move out? Do you have financial assets to divide? What about pets?
Sometimes you don’t know what you want. Depending on how much information you have about the infidelity, you might not feel you have all the facts necessary to begin to think about the future or end of the relationship.
"You might say, ‘I have to talk to him/her in order to get clarity. I don’t know what I want.’ If this is the case, then what you want is to gather information so you can decide what you want to do," marriage and family therapist Robert C. Jameson toldHuffPost.
Figure out what details you want to know and what details you don’t.
Some people feel ravenous for information when they find out their partner has cheated on them. They want to know names, addresses, dates, and the intimate details of specific encounters.
Others don’t want all that information. Having details can make it easier to form a mental image of your partner cheating, which can exacerbate feelings of pain and anger.
Decide what you want to know and what you don’t. Sit down with a pen and paper and literally write out the questions you have, as you might not remember them during what is sure to be an emotional conversation.
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