- Some people have incredibly strong feelings about infidelity — and cheating means the relationship is over.
- Others believe being unfaithful to their partner keeps them together.
- This could be because the marriage has no physical affection anymore.
- One user of the site Ashley Madison is meeting men online to fulfil her needs while she works out what's going on in her marriage.
- She believes her experience is positive because she can "compartmentalise," but she's also careful to not get found out.
For some people, it is very clear: being cheated on signals the end of a relationship, and there's absolutely no coming back from the betrayal. But for others, it isn't so black and white.
For example, according to results published in a book by sociologist Alicia Walker, women may cheat to stay content in a marriage they don't want to leave. Rather than divorce husbands they still love, but who give them no physical affection, they can get their sexual satisfaction elsewhere.
According to Kristin*, a member of the married dating site Ashley Madison, cheating is "an escape."
"It started with someone I met and things developed a bit, and I realised I do suck at monogamy," she told Business Insider over the phone.
"I just don't think I'm the kind of person to be with just one person. I miss having multiple people. Some people are naturally polyamorous, and I didn't realise I was until it was too late."
There's a lot of variety, just like any other dating site
Kristin's husband apparently isn't aware when she goes to meet the men she talks to online — and there's been about 15 of them so far. He has no reason to suspect her, she said, because he's more or less content with their situation.
He thinks she's going out with friends all the time, which is an ideal cover because "he's not social," Kristin said. In fact, she doesn't like spending much time with him at all at the moment.
"To be perfectly honest, and it's not to do with AM [Ashley Madison] or anything, but my life is falling apart a little bit," she said "We haven't had that conversation. He's used to burying his head in the sand and I'm used to running away from things."
There's a lot of guys on there who are single, who have fantasies about being with another man's woman.
Kristin said her husband was open to letting another woman into their life, but no men, and that wasn't enough for her. So she speaks to men on Ashley Madison a lot of the time, which she said can be like any other dating site.
"Like any dating thing you get guys who ghost you, and those who you think 'no I can't,'" she said. "With other people, I think it's not going anywhere... Not to mention the amount of people who put up fake pictures."
But unlike Tinder, Badoo, or the other apps people commonly use, those using Ashley Madison are upfront from the start about what they're looking for. There's no need for the dating mind games because everyone is there looking for something pretty specific.
"They all know I'm dating other people," Kristin said. "There's a lot of guys on there who are single, who have fantasies about being with another man's woman... There are some on there who are on there with full partner approval... A couple of women on there are on there because they might have a cuckold fetish."
Discretion is key
But even though everything is out in the open, Kristin still takes measures to ensure she isn't found out. For example, nobody she meets knows her real name, or where she lives, and she always meets men far away from her house. She also doesn't let any relationship go any further than sex, but that isn't to say she never gets feelings.
"I'm really good at compartmentalising," she said. "The first guy, in another life we could have been together. But we both realised it can never go beyond that point — so we both put that aside."
For now, Kristin finds the experience positive. She's staying in her marriage while she figures things out, but she's getting her sexual satisfaction elsewhere. Ashley Madison is the only feasible way she can do it, she said, because meeting people in bars could "blow up in your face."
"I just figured if I do it that way I'm finding people in the same situation as I'm in, and that's safer in a way, because it's a mutual destruction thing," she said. "I'd rather be honest upfront because lying to one person is bad enough."
Kristin knows she's taking a risk, and "if things do go completely to pot and he does find out, then I will hurt him," she said. But she doesn't feel guilty.
"I should but I don't," she said, but she warned against using Ashley Madison, or cheating in another capacity, for the wrong reasons.
"Keep the emotions out of it, don't let things get messy if you can help it, and just have fun," she said. "If you're going to do it, do it for yourself to have fun. Because that's the only reason to do something like that."
*Name changed for anonymity.
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