- Dating apps make it really convenient to meet new people.
- But they're also arguably ruining our chances for finding meaningful relationships too.
- People have more choice than ever, so it can be hard to settle when someone more perfect could be a few swipes away.
- This is called "the paradox of choice," and it's made us fickle and indecisive.
- We're also way more picky and looks-obsessed than we used to be.
- But by holding out for Prince or Princess Charming, you're likely to miss out on something great.
Want to meet the man or woman of your dreams tonight? Good news, on your phone there's dozens of ways to flick through a sea of faces, find one you like, and meet up with them in a few hours if you're motivated enough.
But just as dating apps make navigating the world of love a whole lot more convenient, they can pretty much ruin your chances of finding it too.
Thanks to something called "the paradox of choice," the quest for happiness is harder than ever. You carelessly swipe through people's dating profiles until you land on one that sticks. But the journey is far from over when you do match with someone you like the look of.
Some people are chronically indecisive, and even after a few dates with someone great, they can't help feeling they could do better. They're plagued by the inkling the grass is greener on the other side.
"Because we have a lot of choice and we date a hell of a lot more than we used to, we always want the best," said Claire Stott, a data analyst and relationship psychologist at the dating app Badoo. "We have way more choice than we've ever had, so we end up getting really perplexed, and we don't know what's the best option."
But by holding out for something better, you're more likely to end up with nothing — or so the theory goes. Barry Schwartz describes the conundrum in his book "The Paradox of Choice," where dating is like clothes shopping. You can try on every dress, every pair of shoes, and every hat, in every colour, fit, and style, but if you don't find something that's perfect, you go home empty handed.
The likelihood of finding a dress that ticks all your boxes is against all odds. But if you're open to trying a new style, or a pattern slightly different to the one you envisioned, you might find a shirt that you like even more — you just hadn't considered the compromises before.
People who constantly obsess over every tiny detail that doesn't slot into their preconceived notion of a perfect partner are the ones always wondering "what if." What if they liked skiing as much as I do? What if they weren't a cat person? What if they hated sushi too? But by focusing on what someone isn't, they miss the majority of things they are.
Princes and princesses might look like frogs at first
So it's not hard to see how dating apps are an absolute minefield for this type of thinking. It's full of people holding out for a fairytale, all the while stepping over the frogs waiting to be kissed.
If you date someone once a week, after a couple of months you won't know each other all that well. You might like each other, but the lack of time spent in the same room puts up a barrier. For some, this is a sign the relationship is going nowhere and there's no "spark," so they end it. But no frogs are going to turn into princes without a bit of work.
"[It happens] in the early stages, where you think 'oh I didn't get that mad rush, I'm probably not going to fall in love,'" Stott said. "But actually, a good relationship I think is a slow burner. It's not necessarily one that's going to be super intense at the beginning. It's one that's going to gradually build as you get to know each other."
For the grass-is-always-greener crew, it's the butterflies or nothing. By that logic, the poor people who end up dating them are in with no chance from the get go.
It's not all hopeless though. Everyone knows at least one couple who met on Tinder or Bumble, instantly hit it off, and are now living with each other. They might even be married. And good for them. There are exceptions to every rule, and there are always going to be tales of "the lucky ones."
But the happy Tinder couples may be what Schwartz calls "satisficers," rather than simply being lucky. These are people who have the ability to know a good thing when they see it. "Maximisers," on the other hand, are the ones trying on every item in the store until they're asked to leave.
Apps aren't just making the dating world more volatile. They've also steered us to care more about looks. Dating has arguably always been about physical attractiveness at first, but there are many other reasons couples are drawn to each other in real life, like the same sense of humour or the weird quirks they share.
According to a new study, published in the journal Science Advances, most people now aspire to date someone who is 25% more desirable than themselves, suggesting we're more picky that we used to be. If everyone's punching up to such a degree, the amount of messages sent out on dating apps and met with stony silence suddenly make a lot more sense.
It's sad because you can't get a sense of who someone really is from a mirror selfie and a witty bio about how much they like to travel. Equally, you don't know if you're discarding your perfect match as defective simply because you think they look a bit short on their profile.
"I think a common complaint when people use online dating websites is they feel like they never get any replies," said Elizabeth Bruch, an associate professor of sociology and complex systems at the University of Michigan and lead author of the study.
"This can be dispiriting. But even though the response rate is low, our analysis shows that 21% of people who engage in this aspirational behavior do get replies from a mate who is out of their league, so perseverance pays off."
It's reassuring that the better looking in life give those less facially attractive a chance if they're persistent. But even if you succeed in bagging someone out of your league, what's stopping you falling back into old habits and wondering if there's someone even better?
While dating apps do bring us closer to some degree, they also push us apart. It can feel more difficult to make a connection with someone you barely know, so you might throw it away prematurely. In reality, you might just need to nurture it.
Ultimately, love is a complex thing, and there's no use trying to force something if it's not meant to be. But if you find yourself reaching for your apps because your partner didn't like your choice of restaurant, or laughs like a bit of an idiot, you might be doing yourself a disservice by dwelling on it.
Because if you throw away something real, you could find yourself holding out for a fairytale that's just a story, and a Prince Charming who never gallops your way.
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