Weteachothershowtotreatus.Likeitornot,itisthetruth.
Thistruth,thiscode,hasbeenoneoflife'shardestlessonsformetolearn.It wasn'tuntilrecentlythatIstartedtotruly grasptheimportanceofhowwegivepeoplepermissiontodothe right things orthewrong things inourlives.Ihadtostartlooking atme.Andtoday,Iamaskingyoutostartlookingatyou.
Ionce overheardsomeonesay, "Don'ttreatpeoplehowyou wanttobe treated.Treatthemasthey wanttobetreated."People reallydo teachus howtheywanttobe treated — forbetterorworse.
Bottom line: YouandIareresponsibleforchoosingthoseto whomwegive accesstoourlives.Whetherornotwewantto admitit,wegivepeopletheabilitytohelpusortohurtus.Weare accountableforwhatweshowandteachotherpeopleaboutus.
Whenwe"teach"someonehowtotreatus,wegivethemcues, instructionsaboutwhoweare,whatwelike,andwhatweexpect. Whenthiscodeisoutofkilter,wedon'tgivepeopletheright cues. Thisputsusintheuntenablepositionofacceptingwhateveristhrownour wayand settlingforwhatweget.
What You Do Tells Others How to Treat You
If you arealwaysrunningyourselfraggedandspeakingpoorly aboutyourself,otherswillrunyouraggedandspeakpoorlyabout you,too.Ifyouareapessimistwhoneverseesthegoodinlife,people willnotwanttobearoundyou.Ifyoupushgood peopleawayand punishthemforthewrongsothershavedonetoyou,goodpeople will stop comingyourway.
Ifyoualwayshavetobe thehero(or shero)inthestory,ifyouactasifyouwearabigS onyourchest andthatyoucan leap tallbuildingsinasinglebound,thenpeople will treatyoulikeSuperwoman.Andtheywill notbetherewhen youneedtobe rescued.
Wesetourselvesupforfailure.Wetake ontheseimpossibleroles, andweteachpeoplethatwehavenoboundaries.Wehavetostop.
Here's the thing, allchangestartswithyouandwith me. Ihadto beginto takeownershipofwhoIwassurroundingmyself withandwhy.Ihadto look atsomeofmymostintimaterelationshipsandmakeharddecisions(evenwithinmyimmediatefamily) aboutwhowastoxicandwhoneededtogo.
Iambecomingvery protectiveofmysacredspace,whichDr.MayaAngeloutaught uswassoimportant. I don'twantnegativeenergy inmy space. Lifeisjusttooshort.Mypoint:thejourneytoteachingpeople howtotreatus inthewayswemostdesireandmostneed begins within.
How to Teach People to Treat You Well
Ifyoufindyourselfunhappywithhowyouarebeingtreated,ifyou feelyouarealwaysbeingtakenforgranted,used,oreven abused bypeopleinyourlife,it's timeforyoutodoaself-check.
Hereare strategiesthatwill helpyouattractpositive,loving, stablepeople.Ifyouincorporatetheminto yourlife, youwillbegin to experienceafreedomandself-confidenceyouneverknewexisted.
1.Set boundaries. Ifyoudon'thavehealthyboundaries,ifyou don'trest,ifyoudon'ttakecareofyourself,people willtake advantage ofyou.Youhavetoletpeopleknow thatyouhonor yourselfandthatthosewhocausedramaorseektodrain youwillbe removedquickly.
2.Understand yourself. Whatmatterstoyou?Loyalty,integrity,reciprocity,laughter?Whateveritis,findthatinother people.Attractlike-mindedpeople. Ifyoufoolaroundwithpeoplewhodonotvalue whatyou value,yourlifewillbe drama-filled.
3.Know how people resolve conflict. Iliketo talk thingsout. Nomatterhowuncomfortableor challenging,atsomepoint matureadultshavetotalkandseektoresolvethingsinways thatmakeusbetter,wiserpeople.Donotsufferpeoplewho hurtyouandthenleave youtocleanuptheirmess.Findout howpeopleresolveconflictsbeforeyougetattachedtoorwork withthem,becauseallhumanrelationshipshaveconflict.
Sophia Nelson is the author of "The Woman Code" and an award-winning author and journalist. Follow her on Twitter @IAmSophiaNelson and learn more about The Woman Code at iamsophianelson.com. The above excerpt is published with the permission of Revell, a division of Baker Publishing Group. Copyright 2014.