- On and off relationships can be really complicated — and really difficult to end.
- However, if nothing changes in between the times that you're together, at some point, it might be necessary to end things entirely, for both of your sakes.
- When ending an on and off relationship, there are a number of things that you need to keep in mind, but focusing on the lessons to be learned from the relationship will help you move forward.
- Be open and honest and don't be afraid to say how you really feel.
- Reach out to friends if you need support.
On and off relationships can be comforting and easy when things are going well, but they can be complicated, confusing, and frustrating when things aren't. Oftentimes, at some point, you'll decide that things need to end altogether, but differentiating that break-up from the other, on-and-off ones can be a tricky proposition.
The first thing you need to do if you've decided that the relationship needs to come to an end is to pinpoint why you keep going back to them
Anita A. Chlipala, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of "First Comes Us: The Busy Couple's Guide to Lasting Love," told INSIDER this is necessary to finally call things quits.
"Common beliefs include: you think that your partner finally changed, you've already invested so much time and effort into the relationship and this person, being with someone is better than being alone, beliefs that your ex is 'The One,' and you only focus on the good times as evidence of what could be," Chlipala said. "It's important to challenge these beliefs."
Ask yourself if they've really changed, think more closely about how much investment you've really made, and look at all parts of the relationship, not just the happiest parts. Chances are, if neither of you has truly made any changes, any future attempts to make your relationship work will just end in the same way.
"If one person shifts or changes, it changes the dynamics of the entire relationship and something good can happen or you get more clarity about why you need to get out,"Rosalind Sedacca, CDC, a certified divorce coach, divorce and parenting mentor, and author, told INSIDER. "But most times, both parties are stuck and so they fall back into the pattern and keep expecting different results, of course, which never happen.
"So the key is to ask yourself, 'What have I learned from this experience that I can take with me to use in the future so I can make sure I don't do this again in another relationship?' And usually, if we stop and ask ourselves that question or get the help of a coach or a counselor, we can find things that we've learned."
And though it's sometimes easy to place blame on your partner for doing something that you didn't like or appreciate (or that let you down), it's more important to look more closely at the role that you played in the relationship's dynamic and subsequent end.
"Instead of looking at another's behavior (jealousy, cheating, drinking, abusing, etc), examine your goals for the future as well as your needs and whether or not they're being met,"Tara Eisenhard, a divorce coach, mediator, and author, told INSIDER. "Then stand in your truth and be honest: ‘I need trust/respect/safety in my relationship, and that's not available in this situation. It would be best if we do not continue on this path.'"
Remember to be open and honest.
When you start your conversation with your partner about needing to end things, one of the most important things to do is be open and honest with them. As Eisenhard said, own your truth. Sedacca said that it's a good idea to be open about acknowledging your part in the relationship, as well as explaining that you ultimately need to move on because it's what's right for you. After the conversation is over, make sure you're committed to moving forward.
"Comfort zones are very easy to fall back into and it takes a lot of courage when you're feeling down or you have one or two dates afterward and they don't work and you say, 'here's this great person who I really love and care about even though we don't work and even though we end up fighting after a certain point,' and so it's easy to jump back in," Sedacca said. "So it takes a lot of commitment and determination, and that's where the support of an objective third party can be helpful, getting the support system of friends and family to remind you of why you don't want to jump back in again."
In addition to making a promise to yourself to sticking to your decision, setting boundaries with your ex that may not have been there after previous breakups, is very important. "Do not try to be friends — it's too much, too close, too soon," Eisenhard said. "Both partners need space to grieve the loss and heal while finding other ways to meet their needs and find fulfillment in life."
Don't be afraid to lean on a support system.
Support systems can be helpful when you're trying to work through the difficult emotions that can come with breakups, as well.
Ultimately, if neither you nor your partner is able to make any changes, you likely won't be able to make the relationship work long-term. Still, ending things can be very difficult.
Thinking through things very carefully, refraining from assigning blame, owning your part of it, recognizing that you both deserve better (and fighting for it), and handling everything with kindness will help you bring about an end to the relationship in the best possible way.
And if you need help, either before, during, or after the breakup, reaching out to a qualified counselor or therapist, as well as trusted family and friends, can give you the support that you need to make the break and move on.
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