- Breaking up is hard. Breaking up with someone who has abused you is even harder.
- You will feel confused and traumatised for some time.
- It's not all terrible though — distance will make you realise you're stronger.
- Trauma doesn't stay with you forever, and there are actually several positives from what you went through — even if you're still hurting.
A common misconception about moving on from an abusive relationship is that the trauma stays with you for life. Even if you end up in a great relationship, you may still be lost in your old one, unable to fully let go.
In reality, this is usually simply a sign you haven't moved on yet. Breaking up with an abusive person is hard, and it can take people months, or even years, to fully recover. But that doesn't mean it's impossible.
Perpetua Neo, a doctor of psychology and expert who works with women who are healing from damaging, toxic relationships, said if you sort through your pain, work out what demons you have that resulted in you being attracted to a bad person in the first place, then the magic begins.
"The narcissist didn't want you to gain anything from being with them, but actually you ended up taking everything and becoming stronger," she told Business Insider. "One thing people I've worked with find is that they gain a fuller, more whole version of themselves after leaving the narcissistic ex."
You will probably be in agony for a while, because your body has essentially been addicted to the intermittent love the abuser gave you. But in time, you will realise that you are so much stronger, resilient, and capable of finding someone who isn't going to discard you for being you.
Here are seven lessons you can take away from the traumatic experience of loving a toxic person — and the strengths you gain from moving on:
1. Using empathy as a superpower
Empathy can be both a gift and your kryptonite. Neo said if you have too much empathy for others, it can mean you start to honour someone else's story over your own. If you do this all the time, it can lead to an "empathy burnout," meaning you give and give, but begin to lose any care for yourself.
"We forget that we need to nourish ourselves first and foremost before we can nourish somebody else," Neo said. "So in this sense, after the break-up, people start to use empathy as a superpower, and think of empathy as this burden, like: 'Why do I go for people who tell me their sob stories?' Then after that you realise you don't need to take on everybody else's energy."
2. Boundaries are healthy
The more time that passes, the more you will realise how troubling the way you were treated was. Becoming very clear about your boundaries means you have a better idea of the kind of person you really are. You also know what you are willing to tolerate, and you will be better at realising who will and won't respect you.
"Boundaries are the 'hell nos' in our life, and sometimes we don't feel like we have permission to say 'hell no,'" Neo said. "Once we are really clear about what our boundaries are, and we stop seeing them as bad things, we actually get very clear about what is unacceptable. From then I can trust myself to have as much fun as possible, because I've communicated my line already."
3. Gain a new perspective
In life, we are all subjected to ideas of how we are supposed to act. Some people will be more influenced by them than others. For example, films often clearly convey some of the power dynamics we are exposed to.
In "The Little Mermaid," Ariel falls in love with a prince and, in order to be with him, she grows legs and gives up her voice. In "Star Wars," Han Solo grabs Princess Leia inappropriately. In James Bond films, notorious for their misogyny, Bond forces himself on female characters such as Pussy Galore.
"What does that say to girls watching films like that?" Neo said. "When we keep watching this stuff about inappropriate behaviour, we stop understanding what acceptable behaviour is."
Coming out of an abusive relationship can give you a new perspective about what you might have looked over in the past while you thought you'd met the love of your life. If you run into a person in the future who you think might hurt you, or acts in a way that makes you uncomfortable, you'll find you're more able to take a stand, Neo said.
See the rest of the story at Business Insider