When a narcissist targets their victim, there's little chance of escape. They've identified the strength they want to use for their own gain or destroy, and they strike when they know they'll succeed.
There are several red flags someone is toxic when you start spending time with them — some might even be visible on a first date.
But if you're unsure, there are four major signs the person you've started dating is a narcissist, according to counsellor Suzanne Degges-White in a blog post for Psychology Today.
Essentially, she says, it all comes down to whether you think your partner is trying to change you, and you feel like everything they say and do is for their own gain.
If you suspect you're being abused by a narcissist, you should be aware it takes the average person seven times to leave. So it's a good idea to be vigilant and know the signs early on.
1. Gifts always have strings attached
At the beginning stages of a relationship with a narcissist, they will likely be charming and full of affection. This is known as the love bombing stage, and during it the victim can expect gifts, compliments, and their full attention. However, as time goes by, they may notice the narcissist is losing interest, and every gift suddenly has a catch.
Degges-White says narcissists see people as objects and leave their partners feeling like accessories. So if they feel their affection is being bought, it's a sign there are strings attached.
2. You feel guilty
Narcissists are masters of manipulation, and they know how to twist any situation to make their victims feel ashamed, guilty, and responsible for everything that's gone wrong. They believe they're entitled to every shred of their partner's attention, so they label anything else as "selfish."
"When someone tries to convince you that they know better than you do about what would make you happy or help you become a 'better you,' take that as a warning sign that the purpose of the change is to please your partner, not support you," says Degges-White.
3. You feel like an object
The victim will never win an argument with a narcissist. Rows can quickly spiral out of control, and they may use tactics to baffle their partner — speaking very quickly and making confusing and contradictory statements, known as a "word salad."
In private, they will argue and abuse, while in public they'll be charming and show their victim off. Essentially, they only see their worth when they have someone else to boast to. The rest of the time, the victim is just a punching bag — both metaphorically and literally.
Degges-White says if someone is more concerned about themselves (or what other people think) than the relationship, then they're probably a narcissist.
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