- Though the signs of distance being created between you and your partner aren't always noticeable, there are plenty of things you should look out for.
- Choosing to lean on someone else instead of your partner is a telltale sign that things are on their way downhill.
- Likewise, if your talks or thoughts of the future no longer include them, it may be time to call it quits.
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Being in a healthy, long-term relationship can be beneficial for everyone involved. It can create a healthy mental state, build self-esteem, and make you a more positive person. Unfortunately for some though, those feelings can begin to diminish and the fight to keep your relationship going can become harder than ever.
Although you may not want to admit that things are falling apart in your relationship, when it gets to the point where you are having more unhappy times than happy ones, you may need to come to the realization that you and your partner are growing apart.
INSIDER asked experts for their tell-tale signs you're growing apart.
You choose to share your news with other people instead of your partner
It's very common to run to your partner as soon as you have some important news to share. Whether it's a raise at work or devastating news about your family, there's no one other than your partner that you would typically run to first. If this has started to change, however, Rori Sassoon — relationship expert, co-owner of the upscale matchmaking agency Platinum Poireand frequent dating expert on "The Real Housewives of New York"— told INSIDER that you are most likely growing apart from one another.
"One red flag that you are growing apart is when something good (or bad) happens to you, and you don't want to tell your partner first," she said. "You have other people you would rather share with first and they are no longer your closest person."
You no longer want to spend free time with your partner
Dreams of a vacation or getting to leave work early usually mean that you are on your way to spending some extra time with your spouse. Though some of those times you may choose to go on a trip with friends or even take some well-needed time for yourself, if you have no desire to spend any of your free time with your partner, it may be time to call it quits.
"You'll know that you're growing apart when you have an opportunity to take a vacation or you get some extra free time off from work and your S.O. is not the person that you want to spend your time with," Sassoon said. "Your partner should be the person you want to relax and vacay with — not the person that you need a vacation from."
Thoughts of spending life with them are not as strong as they were before
Making the choice to be with someone is usually because you see a future with them. And in most cases, it's something that is lifelong. When you start to think of your future and your partner no longer has a place in it though, you may be growing apart.
"Another huge sign that you are growing apart is when you think of investing in your future and you are uncomfortable moving forward with your partner. Especially when it comes to long-term goals," she said. "An example of this is if you know you may want another baby or to invest in a home, but don't see yourself doing it with them."
There is no physical touch between the two of you
Intimacy with your partner is not all about sex. Sometimes it means just being able to lay together, rub one another's back or feet, or even just holding hands. According to psychotherapist and founder of Trillium Counseling Devon Jorge, MSW, RSW though, once it's gotten to the point that this has stopped, your relationship may be at its end.
"If we start to find holding our partner's hand, pecks on the lips, hugging, having our partner see us naked, or sleeping in the same bed make us uncomfortable, these are all signs that there is an unspoken distance in the relationship," she said. "These rather simple and yet intimate actions make us feel awkward or feel weird and foreign and could mean that you need to take a deeper look at your relationship."
You've given up on having those 'hard' talks
At any stage of a relationship,building up the courage to have difficult conversations with your partner can be a task. Though it may be hard to accomplish, the important thing is that it gets done and usually, your relationship benefits from it. If you've gotten to the point where you've found having those "hard" talks pointless, Jorge said that it is probably because the space between you and your partner is growing.
"Avoiding difficult relationship issue altogether or having them become explosive to the point you can't talk about them anymore should be a red flag in any relationship," she told INSIDER. "Either way, if the difficult issue goes unaddressed, it essentially creates a sore spot of resentment in the relationship that continues to create more frustration and exhaustion. This can add fire to other fights or again cause withdrawing from talking to our partner all together creating opportunities to distance yourself. Successful couples don't avoid the hard discussions and they don't fight their way through them either. They talk about them in a way that creates closeness."
Likewise, you've stopped having discussions in general
Avoiding the hard talks may not be enough to prove that you are growing apart from your partner, but the elimination of the easy and simple conversations should be.
"While this first one is the most obvious one, it's also the most important," Jorge revealed. "When we say "stop talking," we don't just mean that all communication has completely ended — which is also a sign. We are also concerned that partners become so disconnected from one another that they almost don't know one another anymore. These couples are not aware of what stresses or worries their partner currently has, of their goals or dreams or about what their partner is most excited about. They start to lose touch with who their partner is and what's going on in their life."
There's a sense of loneliness even when the two of you are together
When spending time with your partner, it's supposed to feel as if time stands still. That no matter how long you watch a show, how hard you laugh, or how much you eat, time doesn't even exist. Even if you're just sitting in silence, it still feels as if you're joined at the hip. If your relationship has gotten to the point that all you feel is loneliness — even if you've been with your partner all day — there may be distance between you two.
"It can be very painful for partners when they feel alone — even when they are with their partner," Jorge said. "When it starts to feel like your partner is more interested in their phone or the T.V. over you, this is a significant indicator that you are feeling lonely in this relationship and is a sign of growing apart."
There's a lack of eye contact
It may sound a little extreme to some, but according to Three Day Rule's Chicago office professional matchmaker Yvette Walton, if you're lacking eye contact with your partner, there may be trouble in your former paradise.
"Women have told me that when a relationship is becoming distant, eye contact decreases a lot," she told INSIDER. "When we build relationships, we look at each other, we listen, and we read each other's body language. In contrast, the exact opposite happens when we are growing apart. Maybe you notice they are on their phone a lot more, or they are more focused on the TV than you, or — quite simply — they avoid eye contact. This could be a symptom of having a bad day and needing some 'me time' to relax, but if you notice this happening over a prolonged period of time, it could indicate the relationship is becoming distant."
Your interests have significantly changed
In relationships, many people share similar interests with their partner. Whether it be personal or professional, there is something that they share that keeps them together and pushing forward in the relationship. Once that's started to change though, it may be hard to stay connected to your partner.
"Relationships that I have observed often start to drift apart when individual life goals change," Walton said to INSIDER. "One person may be focused on their career, travel, or education while the other person may be happy and content with life just as it is. It's very common and natural for our life goals to change through the years. When working with my clients, I like to describe a relationship as two cars side by side on the open road. When they work together and stay in parallel to each other, yes, they may feel bumps in the road, but they will also enjoy the sights, and experience the journey together. When one person decides to take a different route and stop working in parallel, however, the distance between them will grow quickly."
You find any and every little reason to start an argument
It doesn't matter how long you and your partner have been together, there will be moments where arguments happen. But when you've gotten to the point where you're arguing for essentially no reason, however, you may need to consider whether or not your relationship is meant to be.
"Both men and women have told me that when they are growing apart from their partner, they argue with them about anything," said Walton. "the tiniest things that you wouldn't usually care about, all of sudden become so important. This might be your subconscious trying to make it easier for you down the line if you do decide to go your separate ways (we all know it's a lot easier to break up with someone who is mean to us). Either way, arguments, friction, and unhealthy tension may all indicate that the relationship is growing apart. Managing conflict in a healthy way is a perfectly normal part of every relationship, it is just important to differentiate from conflict you are willing to work through vs. a sign that things might not be the right fit."
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