- Kristin Wong has written on money, career, and human behavior for the New York Times, The Cut, Glamour magazine, Refinery29, and more. Since 2012, she's been writing on personal finance and the behavior behind it.
- Wong is also the author of "Get Money: Live the Life You Want, Not Just the Life You Can Afford."
- For Forge by Medium, Wong answers money questions weekly in the column Joint Accounts.
- In this column, Wong advises someone who grew up working-class with "financially irresponsible" parents and has no savings. Their partner "grew up with significant privilege" and doesn't need to work.
- The letter writer is concerned the difference in their situations will become a dealbreaker.
- Visit Business Insider's homepage for more stories.
Joint Accounts is a weekly advice column about money and relationships of all kinds from Forge by Medium. Have a question? Email jointaccounts@medium.com.
Dear Joint Accounts,
My partner and I come from very different backgrounds. He grew up with significant privilege, and on our first date, he told me that he didn't need to work because his parents, who are deceased, left enough money for him to cover his kids' education and invest the rest for a passive income. I, on the other hand, grew up in a working-class family with parents who were extremely financially irresponsible. They're on food stamps, and I send them money every month for their basic expenses.
I'm in a better financial place than they are, but I still have no savings, a fact that I'm too embarrassed to share with my partner. Is the difference between our financial situations a deal breaker? How do I make sure it doesn't drive a wedge between us?
Sincerely,
Financially Shamed
Dear Financially Shamed:
Good news: You're far from alone. It's almost impossible to find a couple where both people have the same financial situations and backgrounds. We all have different experiences with money growing up, and the way we deal with money as adults — emotionally and practically — reflects those experiences.
Your financial differences aren't necessarily a deal breaker, especially because you're already (smartly) anticipating potential conflicts. The earlier you understand the financial pain points in your relationship, the better equipped you'll be to deal with them if and when they occur.
As a first step, you and your partner should consider discussing your respective money scripts. A concept developed by the psychologist and financial planner Brad Klontz, money scripts are the "unconscious beliefs about money that are rooted in our childhood and ultimately shape our financial health," in Klontz's words. It's a remarkably constructive tool for revealing your own thoughts, habits, opinions, and issues surrounding money.
There are four basic money scripts: money vigilance, money avoidance, money worship, and money status. You and your partner can read more about each one to discover which script(s) you follow. Your childhood is where your money script typically takes shape, so try to recall some of your early memories of money and how they've helped shape your attitudes about it now. Did your parents fight about money often? That might influence your money avoidance. If funds were tight growing up, you might be a money worshiper as an adult.
Once you've figured out which scripts apply to you, talk about how they might play out in ways that cause tension in your relationship, or how they already do. If your partner's lack of need to think too hard about money has made him money avoidant, for example, and your need to think about it constantly has made you money vigilant, you might discuss how your strict savings goals collide with his reluctance to budget, and how to address that conflict in a way that feels okay to both of you.
Once you can be open with your spouse about your feelings around money, it'll be easier to be open about your numbers, too. Assuming the relationship is serious — meaning, there's a chance you'll merge accounts or share expenses at some point — full financial transparency should be a goal. I've written about what that means in detail before, but the gist of it is that by the time you're at that stage, you and your partner should know everything about each other financially, from your credit scores, to your salary, to your bank accounts.
It's fair for you to feel some anxiety about being so open, but if you're worried about your differences driving a wedge, transparency is the way to ensure they don't. It helps you understand why your partner makes the financial choices he does, and vice versa. Let's say, for example, that your spouse loves taking lavish vacations, but you can't really afford them. You might agree to pitch in a certain amount for one nice vacation each year based on what you can afford, but beyond that, your partner might want to be the one to splurge when he wants to plan a joint vacation. It's one solution to a specific example, but you get the idea: Knowing more about each other's mindsets and situations means less potential for judgment and conflict.
Honestly, at some point, you will likely have a money fight that you didn't see coming. But with some effort and understanding, money doesn't have to be a deal breaker.
Joint Accounts is a weekly advice column about money and relationships of all kinds from Forge by Medium. Have a question? Email jointaccounts@medium.com.
Kristin Wong is the author of Get Money: Live the Life You Want, Not Just the Life You Can Afford. She writes Joint Accounts, a column at Forge by Medium. You can follow her on Twitter and send her your relationship and money questions here.
SEE ALSO: I'm a big spender, but my partner is an extreme saver. How do we meet in the middle?