- You'll have to weigh whether the potential outcomes of your budding romance are worth the pain you're going through now.
- Talk to your partner about what you need to feel satisfied now and how much you're each willing to give to the relationship.
- Tools like video chat can help you feel closer.
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For two years, I've been in a long-distance relationship with a man who lives in the United States. (I live in Vienna, Austria.) It all started when we met online and then after three months of talking, we met in person when he visited me for a week.
It was a wonderful week and during that time I can say we definitely fell in love. But since then, the long-distance aspect of our arrangement is starting to make me question everything. We tried to arrange a second meeting several times without success. We keep sending messages to each other, sometimes every day, sometimes every week, and have now arranged a new meeting date in November.
I'm afraid this date will fall apart again and I'll be devastated about wasting my time and emotions on a dead-end relationship. I tried discussing my fears with my long-distance lover, but it's hard to convey what I'm dealing with through instant messages and texts. Should I break the arrangement off or stick around?
- Vienna
Dear Vienna,
At one point in my life, I was in a four-year long-distance relationship and, during that time, I had questions similar to yours. Was all of the emotional energy I spent ruminating over my relationship and waiting for the next time I'd see my partner worth it? Couldn't I just date someone in closer physical proximity? Or would I regret giving up something that seemed so great in the moments we did see each other?
For me, in the end, the physical distance was worth the frustrations that came with it and I've been with that same partner for nearly nine years now. In fact, I consider our time as long-distance lovers a formative experience in our relationship. Without it, I'm not sure we'd still be together.
But every relationship come with a different set of circumstances, and yours and mine are no exception.
For one, I had already been dating my partner for a couple of years before we went long distance. We knew that following our stint apart, we'd move to the same city and live together. There was an end game that helped get me through the tough moments.
That's not to say you shouldn't continue your romance, just that, like me, you'll have to weigh whether the potential outcomes of your budding romance and the parts of it you currently enjoy are worth the painful moments.
Read more:I just learned I'm 'the other woman' in a relationship. Should I tell my fling's wife what happened?
To do that, Rachel Wright, a licensed therapist and co-founder of Wright Wellness Center, first suggests asking yourself whether your relationship-based needs are being met in your current arrangement. If they're not, speak up.
"Identify your needs and wants and communicate those because it will become clear quickly if they're looking for the same thing" you are, Wright told me.
Those needs can be anything from defining your relationship with labels like boyfriend and girlfriend, talking on the phone or video chatting a specific number of times per week, or having a certain number of in-person meet-ups in within a certain period of time.
Since it seems the majority of communications you have with your love interest have been over text, it may be helpful to have a conversation like this on the phone or via video chat. Though it may feel a bit daunting to assert your needs in such a candid way, it's the only way to know whether you can make the long distance work or if you're wasting your time on a dead-end relationship.
Once you get your partner on the phone, try something like, "I enjoy our conversations and I want to meet in person again. If that can't happen, I'm not interested in chatting anymore. I need some sort of contact offline as well."
If your partner is receptive of yours needs (which, ahem, he should be if he's a good partner), he'll work with you to arrange more in-person meetings.
If money or timing is an issue that hinders the time you can spend together, also consider setting up phone or video chat dates to hear each other's voices and see each other's faces. I know it's only a consolation prize for the real, in-person thing, but video chats with my partner got me through some really difficult times missing him, and I'm confident they can help you too.
You should also ask your partner how much time he has to dedicate to your relationship, since that will factor into all of this. If he says he travels a lot for work and can only text or talk every week, for example, and that's not enough for you, consider it time to move on and find a person whose idea of relationship commitment better aligns with yours.
As Insider's resident sex and relationships reporter, Julia Naftulin is here to answer all of your questions about dating, love, and doing it — no question is too weird or taboo. Julia regularly consults a panel of health experts including relationship therapists, gynecologists, and urologists to get science-backed answers to your burning questions, with a personal twist.
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