- Couples go to therapy to overcome hurdles in their relationship and seek a neutral voice to help them resolve conflicts.
- We asked couples to share the best piece of advice they received from therapy together.
- Visit Insider's homepage for more stories.
Sometimes, even if your romantic relationship seems pretty good, it can be beneficial to see a couples therapist.
Whether one of you is struggling with an issue that is affecting your partner or the two of you are trying to overcome a relationship hurdle together, getting a professional, neutral opinion can help.
A 2018 survey by Barna group found that 42% of Americans have seen a counselor, and 36% stated that they're open to it.
"As a therapist, I am a big believer that couples counseling is for those who have healthy relational dynamics and unhealthy relational dynamics," mental health counselor Rachel Elder told Insider.
She said that while many people go to couples counseling because they are in intense conflict or considering divorce, she encourages couples to start therapy before they get to that point.
"It's just like your physical health — you go to the doctor for checkups every year," she said. "You can do the same with your relationship by seeing a therapist to help you practice and increase communication and conflict resolution skills without having to be in a worst-case scenario in your relationship."
We asked couples to share the best piece of advice they learned from their therapist. Some subjects interviewed were given permission to only use their first names to protect their anonymity.
Here's what they had to say.
'We don't need to fight against each other — there is no winning.'
Dan and Michelle Keinan, the husband-and-wife team that founded City Wellness Collective, go to therapy on and off when they find themselves in a familiar rut.
They said therapy is a great tool and safe space to really work through things together.
"The best thing to remember is that we're on the same team," Michelle Keinan said in an email. "We don't need to fight against each other — there is no winning. We're here to grow together and we want to see each other thrive."
'The best advice and tool we've learned from couples therapy is play — letting go, having pure, unadulterated, unstructured time to just be living purely in the moment.'
Madeline Caldwell said the most important thing she and her husband Chris Caldwell learned form couple's therapy was "play — letting go, having pure, unadulterated, unstructured time to just be living purely in the moment."
In addition to individual therapy, the two started going to therapy together in order to get ahead of any relationship challenges as they began to have children, grow careers, and consider adoption. They said this has not only helped their personal relationship, but also their family life with their kids and their professional careers.
"It's enhanced connection and creativity, provides a release of negative emotions, and creates space for positive relationships," Madeline Caldwell said.
'Marriage is the unfinished business of childhood and for the purpose of growth and healing.'
Shlomo and Rivka Slatkin, founders of The Marriage Restoration Project, went to couples therapy when they started experiencing conflict, which got worse after the birth of their first child, Shlomo Slatkin told Insider.
"We were sad that our relationship was stuck in a negative cycle that we couldn't get out of and were scared and confused," he Slatkin said.
Although he said they learned many valuable lessons, the most profound was that "marriage is the unfinished business of childhood and for the purpose of growth and healing."
He said this helped them understand their conflict in a whole new light.
"Instead of feeling doomed to failure and that our tension was a reason to call it quits, we saw it as tailor-made proof that we each married the right person," Slatkin said. "And by becoming conscious of it, having compassion for our partner's story, and becoming more sensitive to each other, we could actually serve as a catalyst to help our partner heal from their painful childhood experiences."
"This was a huge eye-opener for us and is something that inspires us to this day both in our own relationship and work with couples."
'It's not about changing the behavior that causes the hurt. It's both partners understanding that the behavior hurts their partner, even when they tend to only react with anger or stonewalling."
Luann and Jon have been together almost 40 years and have gone to couples therapy on and off during that time.
She said the therapy they are in now is helping them connect — which includes how to get calmer and go slower rather than to lay out their respective arguments about who's "right."
"It's not about changing the behavior that causes the hurt," Luann said. "It's both partners understanding that the behavior hurts their partner, even when they tend to only react with anger, or stonewalling."
Luann said that although they can bring out the worst in each other, with better understanding, and reconnecting, they are returning to bringing out the best in each other.
'We learned how to hear the other person out before letting our own emotions get in our way.'
Christine and Frank Egan first started seeing a therapist over a dispute over which preschool to send their children to.
"We needed guidance around how to listen to each other without being emotionally charged about the topic," Christine Egan told Insider in an email.
Now, they have been using this same therapist on and off for over 20 years.
As far as the best piece of advice they've gotten, they said they discovered how to listen to each other without immediately responding.
"We learned how to hear the other person out before letting our own emotions get in our way," they said. "One piece of advice that stuck with us was learning to use the phrase, 'I feel XYZ when XYZ happens' instead of the default 'You make me feel XYZ when you do this.'"
Overall, the Egan's said that going to therapy helped them understand that in order for their relationship to work, they needed to work on it.
"We are a much better couple because of therapy over the years," they said.
'The biggest advice we received was to understand that you will have different perspectives at times, and that disagreements are inevitable in every relationship.'
Meiyoko and Tomara started going to therapy because they wanted to continue the growth of their relationship not just as newlyweds, but as individuals overall.
"The biggest advice we received was to understand that you will have different perspectives at times, and that disagreements are inevitable in every relationship," Meiyoko told Insider in an email. "They are going to happen — and it's not about anyone being right or wrong."
They learned that there will be different stages throughout life and that they will never stop getting to know one another.
"The most important thing is that you listen, respect, and acknowledge each other's viewpoints," they said. "Most of the time, people listen to respond and not to understand — which is one of the biggest reasons why many relationships fail. Since attending couples therapy, we've been able to communicate our feelings, emotions, and concerns more effectively."
They said this has not only brought them closer together — in their relationship and how they connect with others — but it is also equipping them with valuable skills that will be instrumental once they become parents.
'The biggest thing the class taught us how to communicate about our needs and desires without hurting the other person.'
Joe and Talia Bunting initially took an online sex therapy class, "Gott Sex?" taught by John and Julie Gottman of The Gottman Institute. Joe ended up writing a book about the experience too, "Crowdsourcing Paris."
"Our first child was 10 months old, and while we were traveling in Paris for a few months, we had a huge fight because we were struggling to connect emotionally and sexually," Joe said. "My wife especially felt unheard and hurt."
They took the class over two weeks. Once they returned home from traveling, they started seeing a sex therapist in person.
"The biggest thing the class taught us how to communicate about our needs and desires without hurting the other person," Joe said.
He said one trick was to communicate about your desire level in terms of a one to 10 scale.
"If one person is wanting to have sex but the other isn't, they can say, 'I'm a four right now,' meaning, 'I could be talked into it,'" he said. "But if you say, 'I'm a one right now,' or even, 'I'm a zero right now,' that means it's probably not going to happen tonight.'"
Overall, Joe said this level of openness and honesty has improved their friendship and sex lives.
"We trust each other more, and we're less hurt when the other person isn't in the same place as us in the moment," he said. "We still have issues and hurt feelings from time to time, but we're better equipped to handle those problems when they come up."
'The therapist was able to identify some patterns in the way we communicate — I am pretty direct and my partner tends to be more thoughtful in the way he delivers information.'
Zach and Monique Sorensen were going through "a rough patch" when they decided to go to couples therapy — even though Monique is a therapist herself and founder of Modern Change PLLC.
"There were a lot of changes in our lives leading up to it, including a job change for Zach and a new role at work for me that added additional stress," Monique Sorensen said. "The therapist was able to identify some patterns in the way we communicate — I am pretty direct and my partner tends to be more thoughtful in the way he delivers information."
Monique said the thing that stuck with her the most was that the therapist was able to reframe and articulate her partner's concerns in a way that he couldn't — which then helped her to understand him better.
"As a result of couples therapy, I have learned how certain situations provoke reactions in me that may convey disappointment," she said. "This has helped me to be more aware of how I respond to these situations and attempt to respond in a way that is more productive for our relationship."
And one woman said of her husband, a veteran: 'He doesn't have PTSD anymore, and I couldn't tell you the last time he had an 'off day.''
Sarah and John Dale told Insider they have been through trauma together and "wouldn't still be alive without it." They've met with a variety of counselors and marriage workshop facilitators over the course of their 12-year marriage, and they have since founded The Brave Love Relationship Masterclass.
After his last deployment to Iraq with the National Guard, John came home with post-traumatic stress disorder, Sarah Dale told Insider in an email.
"His anger outbursts, depression, anxiety, and isolation tendencies began to erode our relationship," she said. "We sought help for how to turn our marriage around before PTSD tore us apart."
She said the best advice they received was from a counselor at a Vet Center in Alexandria, Virginia. When John was struggling with PTSD, he used to have what the couple called "off days."
"It's like he woke up in a fog and couldn't think straight or get control of his feelings," Sarah said. "His eyes literally looked foggy on those days."
She would leave him alone until it went away, but it could take days, and she felt invisible.
"So when the therapist asked me how I was doing, I told her I didn't think I could handle these 'off days' anymore," Sarah said. "She then taught us that the PTSD fog would take up all the room we would give it, so instead, we couldn't tolerate it."
As a result, John began to let himself feel that way for an hour or two, Sarah said, then force himself to be present — and it worked.
"Today, he doesn't have PTSD anymore, and I couldn't tell you the last time he had an 'off day,'" Sarah said. "Now, we no longer have to worry about PTSD coming between us."