- Some couples choose to stay married even after legally separating and leading separate lives.
- Reasons to stay legally married include for tax and insurance purposes, or because divorce is simply too expensive.
- We spoke to eight people who gave their reasons for not filing for divorce.
- Visit Insider's homepage for more stories.
One night while on a dating app, I came across the profile of one of my male friends and did a double take: He's married.
I messaged him and found out he and his wife are separated and dating other people. But apparently, his health insurance plan is better than hers, so they're putting the brakes on their plans to get divorced for the time being.
It turns out they're far from the only couple that lives separate lives from each other, yet stays legally married indefinitely.
There are a number of reasons a couple may choose to stay married rather than divorce, Veronica Kapka, an associate at matrimonial law firm Stutman Stutman & Lichtenstein, told Insider.
"From a financial perspective, spouses can continue to reap the benefits of filing joint tax returns and remain on any group health insurance available to either of them," she said.
On the other hand, there also may be practical and emotional reasons to avoid the finality of a divorce, Kapka said, such as staying together for the sake of the children.
While the effective difference between legal separation and divorce may be minimal, anyone trying to navigate the waters between the two should speak to a matrimonial attorney to discuss their options, she said.
Karen Bigman, a divorce coach and founder of The Divorcierge, told Insider that although there is no time limit on staying separated, but emotionally, it may be an obstacle to moving forward in a new relationship.
"Some people won't date anyone who is not divorced," she said. "The separated spouse may also use it as an excuse to stay 'stuck' in their current situation, perhaps never losing hope that there will be a reconciliation."
Read on to see why eight people chose to stay legally married to their spouses instead of getting divorced. Some subjects interviewed were given permission to remain anonymous or use only their first name in order to protect their anonymity.
This woman stays married so that she and her children can continue to be covered by her husband's health and dental insurance.
Alicia, 46, and her husband separated in 2013. Over the years, their reason for staying married has evolved, she told Insider.
Initially, she went to a lawyer to pay for her half of the divorce, but her husband would not return her calls or the lawyer's.
"However, we finally came to an agreement to remain married so my children and I could remain covered by his excellent health and dental insurance," she said. "My husband is a retired state worker with coverage that spanned to my children, his stepchildren. And for me, this was important enough to remain married to a man that I did not want to be married to anymore."
'The reality is that divorce is expensive,' one man said. 'Financially, it didn't make sense.'
One 43-year-old man, who chose to remain anonymous, has been separated from his wife for almost four years. Initially, it was a trial separation, but when reconciliation didn't seem possible, they started to entertain the idea of divorce, he told Business Insider.
"However, the reality is that divorce is expensive, and with neither of us looking to start a new life with someone else, the need to divorce wasn't very pressing," he said. "Financially, it didn't make sense for her because she wouldn't qualify for the mortgage payment of the house she and our children share on their own, and it didn't make sense for me losing my medical benefits just so that I could start dating."
He said that with time, the anger and bitterness they both felt has waned.
"Does that mean reconciliation?" he said. "Is this our new reality? Will divorce be inevitable? I have no idea, but for now this works for us and that's the best either of us can hope for, given the circumstances."
One man said he and his wife will stay married until he can put the mortgage for their house in his own name.
"Because we're both on the mortgage, we thought it best that we stayed legally married until such a time as I can get the mortgage in my own name, so she won't have a load of legal paperwork and so forth if anything happens to me," Conor, 40, told Insider.
"Also, as we were married in Spain, in her hometown, it would involve us going back there and paying money, something neither of us had at the time we split, due to the deposit and rent for her new place and me shouldering all the mortgage and bills."
In about a year and a half, the fixed rate on the mortgage will end, he said, and he should be able to take it under his own name. He and his wife will also then go to Spain to finalize any paperwork and formally divorce.
Another man and his wife simply haven't found the time or demand to file for divorce.
Keith, 53, and his wife separated in 2012. She moved to Missouri while he stayed in Southern California. They have three children who are now in college.
"We're still on good to very good terms, and just haven't found the time or demand to file the paperwork and pay the fees for divorce," he told Insider. "We have no interest in reconciling — her family is in Missouri and that's where she'll remain."
However, they both agree they need to get divorced eventually.
"It's a matter of one of us going to Ventura, California to file, and pay whatever fee," he said. "For me, it's just that I don't drive, so getting there is a challenge."
But he said getting divorced will be part of his to-do list in 2020, although it's not a top priority.
Lower insurance costs keep this couple legally married.
"My ex and I are still just separated after three years, mainly because it is just much cheaper for me to reimburse her for half of her insurance premiums than to have to buy my own insurance, since I have a small business," Christopher, 48, told Insider.
However, they have a formal separation agreement in place to cover everything, since the legal, financial, and custodial implications can be huge, he said. For example, in North Carolina, it is still legal for a spouse to sue the other spouse's lover for"Alienation of Affection" and "Criminal Conversation," but a separation agreement waives that, allowing each partner to date other people, he said.
"It also helps that my ex and I get along very well and are co-parenting two children together," Christopher said. "Not that that would be an impediment to divorce, of course. But unless one of us decides to remarry, we are both pretty happy with the arrangement."
However, if his business expands to the point he can offer healthcare through it, Christopher said he intends to finalize the divorce, just to get it over with.
One woman said neither she nor her husband plan to marry again, so they don't want the expense, hassle, or stress of getting divorced.
Miranda, 39, and her husband co-parent their 7-year-old twins. The couple has been separated for four years and she says they operate as a unit for the kids.
"I am self-employed, so health benefits for myself and kids is important," she told Insider. "One of the main reasons [for not getting divorced] is that neither of us feels the need to get married again, so the expense of those sometimes relentless lawyers is a huge deterrent. The legal steps, for our situation, just don't warrant the expense, hassle, or stress."
Taxes are one reason this couple stays legally married.
After a year and a half, Mary, 40, and her husband are still legally married.
"The main reasons for this are practical — tax considerations, autonomy with parenting decisions — since there is no court involved in custody decisions," she told Insider.
Then there's what she called "the ever-practical reason."
"Divorce attorneys are expensive, and I was a stay-at-home mom now rebuilding a career," she said. "Divorce currently offers me no practical or financial benefit, so I have no sense of urgency to file."
Plus, although she said she is not opposed to the possibility of a new relationship, it's not her priority right now, so being "legally single" hasn't factored into her decision, she said. Instead, she is focused on enjoying the transition, her children, and her independence.
And one woman is remaining married to her husband because of his excellent, and inexpensive, health insurance plan.
"I've been separated for three years, and will not be reuniting with my husband, although we have remained friends," a 57-year-old woman, who chose to remain anonymous, told Business Insider in an email.
She said the friendly part didn't just happen, but took time, many angry conversations, perspective, and honest conversations to get them to this point. She also has a boyfriend now.
"Both of these things are good reasons to legally end my 30-year marriage, if it were not for the fact that I can remain on my estranged spouse's excellent, and inexpensive, health insurance plan if we stay married," she said. "However, because I am vested in my union, when I am 62, my own health insurance plan will activate, and then I may decide to divorce if there is a need to, such as remarriage or just for emotional reasons."
Coincidentally, her parents separated after 27 years of marriage and also remained friendly, she said.
"Due to business reasons, they never divorced, so they set a good example for me."