- My partner and I always kept our money separate, so we knew we needed to talk about it before getting married.
- We discussed how we would budget, pay for the wedding, manage retirement savings, and save for emergencies, as well as whether we wanted a prenup.
- Even though these conversations were awkward, I'm convinced they saved me headaches in the future — and probably money, too.
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When my partner and I got engaged, we had dated for three years and lived together for two, but we kept our money separate. One of us would pay for joint expenses and the other would pay that person back at the end of the month. There wasn't a shared checking account or credit card between us.
As our wedding day grew closer, I realized that before I was comfortable walking down the aisle and saying "I Do" to a person I'd be legally joined with, we had to talk through some major money issues, from how to budget together to how to plan for our future together.
While getting engaged can suck two people into a funnel of endless wedding decisions that take up all their time and their money, there are other big money conversations to make sure to have before the big day.
Here are the five financial planning conversations I'm glad I had before getting married, that have probably saved me money and tons of headaches:
1. How are we going to budget?
The first time my partner and I decided to set a budget together, it ended in a big fight. We had both done well at setting and keeping a budget individually, but together, our idea of how much money to spend on what looked very different.
We started to see that my partner spends more on money on food than I do and I spend more money on travel than he does. We decided to sit down and plan two types of budgets, one for our life together and a separate budget for personal things (hobby, shopping, solo travel, etc). We planned a budget around joint meals and food shopping, living expenses, and other things we spend money on together every month. Then, we both planned our own solo budgets as well.
Budgeting together is like gluing the wallets of two very different people together and asking them to be okay with that. By setting two different budgets, we were able to stay on the same page with each other without feeling like we had to give up things that we could each afford.
2. How are we going to pay for the wedding?
Soon after starting to plan the wedding, I started to have panic attacks over how much the whole thing would cost. Instantly, the budget I thought would work well for the wedding seemed like it would hardly be enough to just cover food and drinks for the guests.
I started to ask friends who were already married how they were able to afford their weddings, and they all said they charged everything on credit cards they are still trying to pay off years later. Multiple friends warned me about how tempting it will be to open up credit cards for the wedding expenses and pay them off in the future, but how bad of an idea that would be, because you'd be acquiring a lot of instant marital debt and it would always feel like something to regret.
Instead of doing that, we decided to pay for everything we wanted for our wedding in cash only. We went through how much we could pull from each of our savings accounts and put the credit cards away. That way, we wouldn't be stuck with years of debt over one day.
3. Should we get a prenup?
One of the most awkward conversations my fiance and I decided to have before getting married was around whether or not we wanted a prenuptial agreement to determine what would happen to our assets in case of a divorce. While neither of us have any assets greater than the cash in our savings accounts, we wanted to discuss what a prenup for us would look like.
It's a major misconception that prenups are for the wealthy. Anyone can get a prenup, because what you're doing is putting protection on any assets that you have walking into the marriage, even if it's a few dollars in a bank account.
Talking through this and deciding to put together some sort of written agreement around what we'd each walk away with if the marriage ended one day, based on what we came into the marriage with, allowed us to feel surprisingly less stressed and could save me a huge headache in the future if we do have to explore the idea of getting divorced.
While it sounds like an un-romantic thing to do before getting married, it's a conversation worth having. Prenups help you create a game plan for the worst-case scenario.
4. How should we prioritize retirement savings?
I thought that once we get married, our retirement accounts could be combined. But that's not the case. When you get married, your retirement accounts remain separate. Which means that individually, we'd have to figure out how much money to put into the accounts.
Since my partner's company matches his 401(k) and I work for myself, we decided on a percentage each of us would put in every year. To make managing our funds easier, we also decided to move our retirement accounts to the same brokerage.
5. How much do we need saved for emergencies?
While planning a wedding and a honeymoon usually consume an engaged couple's financial-planning radar, we also decided to take into consideration planning for an emergency fund so if something sudden happens (like a job layoff or a health issue) we'd be prepared with a chunk of cash set away to help manage that situation.
We created three different emergency funds: one for general use, one for health, and one for job security in case of a layoff situation. We decided how much money to contribute to each of these funds on a monthly basis.
That way, when the wedding ends, we'll be prepared for anything that comes our way.
Talking about money is never a fun conversation but it's a must-have before getting married to a person that's not only your partner in life, but your partner in good times and bad times — especially when it comes to money.
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