For many professionals returning to an office, it's the first time in more than a year that they won't be working alongside their partner. They won't have to crouch in the bathroom so they can take a conference call in private, or snicker silently at their partner's "meeting voice."
Some duos became closer after working from home during the pandemic: It gave each person a deeper understanding of their partner's job and work persona. They also gained a new perspective on the personalities, frustrations, and stresses that comprise their partner's work life. Empathy blossomed. Compassion reigned.
"Major stressors like this make bad relationships worse and make good relationships better," Eli Finkel, a psychologist at Northwestern University's Kellogg School of Management, previously told Insider.
"If there are fissures or cracks in the relationship," and that relationship is thrown into crisis, "those cracks break all the way through," said Finkel, who is also the author of "The All-or-Nothing Marriage."
Indeed, many couples struggled during the pandemic. Coworking in close quarters drove a wedge between them. Some said their partners got on their nerves — that the forced togetherness made peccadilloes and peculiarities harder to overlook. Some saw new, ugly sides of their partners, and emerged from lockdown feeling weary and inclined to divorce. Some 19% of Americans said they experienced a breakup or divorce over the past year.
"They may have had to address issues or confront subjects they were able to avoid by engaging in their regular routines, working, and socializing,"wrote Valerie H. Tocci, who specializes in family law.
What's more, she said, the overall stresses of the pandemic — financial, emotional, and physical — forced some people to take a hard look at their partners. "Tensions ran high, and there was nowhere to go," Tocci wrote.
As this era of remote work draws to a close for some, interviews with seven people in dual-career couples paint a vivid picture of how working from home changed relationships — and where they plan to go from here.
Interviews were edited for length and clarity. Some last names have been omitted to protect people's privacy.
'He admitted that he didn't have faith in my business idea. It was devastating.'
Just before the pandemic hit, I left my marketing job to start a new business with a former colleague. This had long been a dream of mine. Thankfully, my husband works in finance and we're fortunate. He can support our family while I pursue something more entrepreneurial. I thought he was excited for me in this new professional chapter of my life.
But when the COVID lockdowns happened, I found out he wasn't supportive.
It didn't help that we were practically in the same room all the time. He worked from the kitchen, I was in the dining room, and our children did remote school from their bedrooms. When I Zoomed with my cofounder, I'd catch him rolling his eyes. He'd snicker when we talked about the investors we wanted to pitch. He'd take potshots at our idea whenever I mentioned it on social Zooms with friends. One day at lunch, he told my 11-year-old daughter, "Ninety-five percent of new businesses fail in the first five years."
What kind of message was that supposed to send to our child?
I finally confronted him, and he admitted that he didn't have faith in our idea, and that he didn't have faith in me. It was devastating.
Watching my husband "at work," and hearing how he talked to colleagues and clients, I learned other things about him, too. He's rigid, domineering, and self-obsessed.
I don't want to be married to him any longer. I asked him to move downstairs into the little apartment we own, which we weren't renting out because of the pandemic. He agreed.
We are not going to get divorced, at least not yet. I'm in my 40s, and our kids have many years left at home. He's still a wonderful father. He's living in the apartment below us and that will be fine for now. I guess you could say I'm grateful that I had the opportunity to see him for who he really is. He's not the man I thought I married, and I know that now.
—Eleanor*, entrepreneur, Massachusetts
(*Name has been changed)
'She thought I was pushing her away'
My wife and I had an arranged marriage four years ago.
When we started working from home, I was initially a bit hesitant to say I needed some alone time. But after a couple of months, I realized that I had to talk it out.
We have different personalities. If there's a lot of noise or I'm talking, she's still able to work as a team lead at a healthcare company without any disturbance. I told her, "I cannot function like you, and you cannot function like me." For me to work, I need silence. I can't be talking with her and doing research at the same time.
She was surprised. At first she thought I was pushing her away. I had to make sure to say that this had nothing to do with our personal relationship. This was just a work thing. I think she understands now.
I also saw the number of times she had to clean things. She ends up cooking while doing audio calls. And she's able to maintain relationships with her family and with my family. Seeing that made me more appreciative of the effort she puts into her work and her personal life, and how much time it takes. When I told her that, she said, "I thought you would never notice."
—Wajahath Ali, digital marketing manager at Enablix, south India
'She was unhappy with her job, and I should have paid better attention'
My girlfriend and I met in college, and we've been a couple for seven years and have lived together for five. We've always thought about our careers differently. I'm in SEO digital marketing, and I'm passionate about what I do. I spent a lot of time outside of work reading about my industry. My partner works in human resources and doesn't care for it that much. She sees her job as more of a means to an end. This all came to a head during COVID.
Before the pandemic, my partner used to come home from work and vent about her bosses and the sexist office culture. I would listen sympathetically. But I admit that I didn't think it could be all that bad. But in March, when we were both working from home in our dining room and I saw her job up close, I realized it was.
I couldn't believe how her bosses demeaned her and constantly talked down to her. I heard how her male colleagues volunteered her to take notes for every meeting — she's not a receptionist. Her male bosses made her take on menial tasks such as converting Word documents to PDFs. "Couldn't they do that themselves?" I thought. It was so frustrating to listen to. I realized that I needed to be a more supportive partner to her. She was unhappy, and I should have paid better attention.
Meanwhile, I was becoming a workaholic, and I wasn't even aware it was happening. When I worked in an office, I used to leave my job at 5:30 p.m. to catch the train. But working from home, I just kept going. I got on my computer at 7:30 a.m. and worked straight through until past dinner. Work and life was a blur: Where did one stop and the other start? Finally, my girlfriend told me that I was working too much.
We argued, but I realized she was right. I needed to set limits, and we both needed a better work situation.
We saved a lot of money during the pandemic, and our goal is to keep socking it away for the next five years. She enrolled in an HR management program. Once she graduates, she plans to look for a new job. Then, in five years, we are going to move to the country. I can work from anywhere, and she'll be able to run a farm or do something she cares about.
—James Banerjee, personal finance blogger for Smarter Finances and digital marketer, UK
'We were close to her walking into a business meeting in her underwear'
My partner moved in a bit over one year ago — basically at the beginning of our relationship.
She was working for an insurance company when we met, but she dialed back. A couple of weeks ago, we decided that we wanted to start her business selling swimwear online. I'm making an investment in her company.
Most of the time-sensitive work that she has to do happens in the evening. She needs to reply live to customers or be live on Facebook. So the next morning she usually creeps out of bed at 11 a.m. My schedule is the complete opposite. My day starts at 4:30 a.m., and I usually go to bed by 9 p.m. When she wakes up, I've basically had a full day of work on the books. A few times we were close to her walking into a business meeting in her underwear.
Having opposite schedules also means we don't have a lot of time for each other, even though we live together. We see each other all the time, but meaningful interaction is a bit lacking.
I'm working a lot at the moment, which also means that I'm not doing a lot of housework. That was kind of an agreement that we had when she moved in. She doesn't pay any rent. I told her, "If you help around the house a bit more, I'll be OK." I can tell that this is starting to bother her more, because now that we both work from home full time, there's clearly more stuff to do. She wasn't very vocal about it, but I started helping more around the house.
—Francesco Diomaiuta, owner of My Golf Heaven and VP of people operations at a fintech, Bangkok
'We were never seriously going to call off the wedding, but there was a strain on our relationship'
.jpg)
About five years ago, I rekindled a relationship with a man I'd known since high school. In early 2020, he moved in with me and my two elementary-school-age children, and we planned a summer wedding.
Then COVID happened. In mid-March, the urban charter school where I taught shut down, and my kids' school went remote, too. A week after that, my fiancé, an engineer at a local manufacturing plant, was told to work from home indefinitely.
So we were all crammed into one small house, and he was still unpacking boxes. Those first few weeks were chaos. We had one laptop between the four of us. After a while, I managed to borrow another one from my ex-husband, and my fiancé eventually got one from his company.
My kids and I worked in one big room together. I made lunches, taught students, and helped my own kids with school. I was the epicenter. My fiancé had his own room, so we wouldn't bother him when he was on conference calls.
My biggest challenge by far was trying to manage the learning needs of so many students and having my fiancé constantly question the amount and quality of work my own children were completing at home — something I wasn't concerned about.
It was frustrating to be constantly questioned by someone without an educational background, and it led to many arguments. We were never seriously going to call off the wedding, but there was a strain on our relationship for months. We had a small ceremony in August.
As for how I'm feeling about my career now, the answer is good and bad. I resigned from my teaching position in the fall. The school where I worked opened, but my kids' school stayed closed. My husband couldn't stay home with them, and it was going to be impossible for me to find daycare arrangements to make it all work.
I've decided to go into freelance writing. My husband is a wonderful provider, and he's all for my career move, even though I suffer from imposter syndrome. I'm torn. I used to be a stay-at-home mom, and when I went into teaching, it was such an important step for me. I was making money and providing for my kids. Now I've given it up, and I worry about my loss of independence.
—Brooke Ressell, freelance writer and founder of Blue to Bliss, Michigan
'The pandemic laid to rest all my husband's insecurities about my male business partner'
Five years ago, I cofounded a company with a man who is not my husband. (My business partner has been a good friend since high school.) We started the firm based on a shared passion, and we've been pretty successful. We share an office space, and we usually work together for about six hours a day most workweeks.
As much as I feel like I have a second marriage in my work, I do not feel like my business partner is my "work husband." My husband, on the other hand, has had feelings of jealousy over the years.
Enter COVID-19. My cofounder and I decided early on to stay at home and avoid any unnecessary travel. As a result, I've been working from home since last spring, and my husband also works from home with his company.
The pandemic laid all my husband's insecurities to rest. Since working from home, my husband has seen how I work and communicate with my cofounder. He understands now that our partnership is strictly professional. Recently, my husband came to me with a heartfelt realization that he no longer felt threatened, even if we eventually go back to the office.
This is part of the reason working from home has improved our marriage. I learned so much about my husband, his company, and how dedicated he is to his work — just as much as I am, if not more.
I cannot remember the last time we have been able to enjoy a lunch together, and it feels so good being able to tend to each other's needs without much effort at all. My husband is chivalrous: Every morning, he brings me my favorite Starbucks drink.
I'm going to miss our time together.
—Emma Alda, cofounder of ModestFish, Florida
'I didn't know that side of him'
Because of COVID, being a people manager has required us to coach our teammates through not only work situations but also personal and emotional situations. I think Ryan, who runs legal operations for a tech company, has had to do the same. I've been exposed to how he, as a manager, talks to his team and works through some of this. It's given me ideas about ways to approach similar topics with my team.
I've overheard him deliberately asking questions such as "How are we managing through having witnessed the death of George Floyd?" And I realized that I could take a moment at my team meeting to deliberately ask people how they're doing, how they're responding, what type of support they need.
Ryan studied to be a counselor at one point. Just being able to watch his temperament, how understanding he is, and the way that he gets verbal and nonverbal cues has been really helpful for me. When I'm coming down to get a glass of water or a snack, I can see how he's intently focusing and paying attention to his colleagues. Observing that behavior is helpful for me to think about how I show up.
It's kind of funny that the person that I'm closest with and know better than anyone else, I didn't know that side of him. Working together in our apartment forced me to see a side of my partner that I hadn't seen before. It was an interesting, new dimension to our relationship.
I can also tell when he's having a really hard conversation and may not be in a great mood that day. You don't have to come home anymore and ask, "How was your day?" Now the conversation can be: "Hey, it seems like you're having a hard day. How can I help you?"
—Marcus Chung, vice president at ThirdLove, San Francisco
Join the conversation about this story »
NOW WATCH: Why I'm throwing away every plastic thing in my kitchen ASAP