One thing romantic comedies forget to tell you is that falling in love isn't just the beginning of a breathless, heartwarming saga.
It's also the beginning of a tedious, unbearable grind full of number crunching, crushed expectations, and painful examples of incompatibility.
Those who have taken the plunge know full well that moving in together takes much more than trust, a tight emotional bond, and fevered passion.
In fact, all the qualities that make for a romantic union are just as likely to undermine the financial union that results.
Since, monetarily speaking, a leap of faith is a sure plunge to the death, it's important to know as much as you can about your lover before you move in together. Here are 6 financial questions to ask before moving in together with your boyfriend or girlfriend.
1. How much do you owe?
It's as impolite to discuss debt as it is religious or political preferences, but politeness goes out the window when it gets down to moving in together.
You need to know it all, ranging from department store credit cards to car loans and student loans. Even if you're not combining checking accounts just yet, your partner's debt will affect you every bit as much as it does them because it will affect their ability to contribute to the household bottom line.
You may, for instance, consider your boyfriend to be wealthy because he makes six figures, but if he's lived beyond his means and racked up crushing debt payments, you may find yourself to be the main breadwinner. And if you're thinking about getting married but one partner has a lot of debt, it's not imprudent to consider putting off the wedding until the debt is under control.
2. Are you still getting an allowance?
The opposite side of the debt coin is unacknowledged income sources. If a parent is dumping money into your girlfriend's checking account every month, that's something you need to know. Such funding rarely comes without strings.
Parents who give their adult children money often seek a requisite amount of access and control over how the money is spent. So a monthly allowance could put your own finances under the parental microscope, and you may find yourself having to explain your expenditures to your would be in-laws.
Also, the adult allowance won't last forever. If your significant other has grown accustomed to spending the extra income, you'll both need to prepare for how you'll someday budget without it.
3. How do you spend your money?
Spending money — even on luxuries — isn't necessarily a bad thing, assuming you have a saving plan and you can afford it. But we all spend money on things WE find valuable, and your S.O. may be quick to criticize your shoe collection or custom gaming room as a frivolous waste of money. So it's important to talk about spending; what's important to each of you and what you'll want to spend money on together.
Of course, you'll also want to be on the lookout for any signs of a spending problem. Out-of-control spending habits can neutralize the most sizable incomes. Obsessions ranging from seven nights a week at the bars to compulsive Amazon orders can become unfillable black holes capable of sucking the air out of any budget.
Since those with spending problems tend to minimize them and deceive themselves and others, it can take some hardcore detective work to ferret out the truth. Look for telltale signs of a problem, such as secret spending binges or mumbled answers when confronted about spending tendencies. To get to the hard truth, you'll have to take a hard look at spending records.
4. What's your '5-year plan?'
Ambitions and goals need to merge to form a financial house united. If you are bent on socking away funds for your retirement while your boyfriend is all about living for the moment, he'll either end up spending all your money on seat-of-his-pants whims, or resent the fact that you've coerced him into giving up his joy to save for a future he doesn't believe in.
Shorter-term goals are just as important. If only one of you wants to save for a dream vacation but the other dreams of a down payment on a house, someone is going to lose out. Unlike many of the issues in this article, though, having different priorities isn't necessarily a death knell for your union. The way to reconcile disparate goals is to hash things out and make compromises. If you support one another's goals, you will both end up winners.
5. How's your credit?
As if baring your debts wasn't painful enough, you should also plan a romantic night of pulling each other's credit histories.
While credit may not come into play yet — say, if you're just moving into your partner's apartment — it will certainly matter if you ever decide to rent a place or buy a home together. Unless one of you makes six figures, qualifying for a mortgage on one income is difficult, so the bank will require both credit scores.
If you're lucky, they will average the two instead of using the lowest. Still, that's reason to know about any skeletons in your credit reports and begin working to build better credit.
6. How are we going to share the bills?
Assuming you've asked financial questions 1-5 and still want to move in together, this last one's critical: How are you going to split joint expenses after you move in?
Will one person pay the rent and utilities and simply ask the other for a check each month? Will you divvy up the bills? Will you open a joint checking account? And — if one partner earns significantly more — will he or she pay a higher percentage of the bills, or will you split them equally?
Such decisions don't seem all that complicated, but if you don't move in together with a plan, splitting the bills can quickly lead to resentment if both parties aren't on the same page.
A final warning
Ever see "Signs" or "The Sixth Sense?" Those Shyamalan-directed films were all about lulling you into a false sense of security before upending all of it in such a drastic way that you find yourself cross-eyed and mumbling. Twist endings that tie movies together tear relationships apart. These are the deepest, darkest secrets that — once known — change everything you thought you knew about a person and makes you see them in a new light.
Whatever it is your significant other has been working to hide from you is exactly what you need to know. Bankruptcies, convictions, mob ties, what have you — it's best to get this stuff laid out on the table so it doesn't surprise you later. It's best to ask "Is there anything I need to know about you?" And once you're lied to, ask the question again. And then again and again, until he or she breaks down and you finally get your answer.