5 reasons people always misunderstand you, and how to fix it

Most of us have, at one point or another, experienced a moment, a day, or even an extended period of time when we felt like we were flat-out terrible at communicating.

Maybe someone didn’t understand your intentions. Or the conversations didn’t turn out how you desired. Or the results you requested didn’t come in as expected.

You can try and point the finger at something else, but if you’ve noticed a consistent pattern of communication failures with different people, odds are it’s something you’re doing.

(And even if you are a pretty good at expressing yourself, you could always stand to be a little better.)

Here are five common errors and all the ways you can start fixing them today:

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1. You don’t pay attention

You know what you want to get across — and to be honest, that’s the only half of the conversation you’re really focused on. As a result, you’re only half-hearing what the people around you are saying and you aren’t engaging effectively in the conversation.

The solution

Paying attention to other people and truly listening to what they have to say is critical to achieving a mutual understanding and conversational flow. Now, there’s a lot of advice on how to look engaged, like making frequent eye contact or nodding your head in agreement.

But my favorite tip is to worry less about seeming interested, and actually tune in. As Celeste Headlee said in a recent TED talk, "There is no reason to learn how to show you're paying attention if you are in fact paying attention."

So, minimize distractions and put your phone away. Test yourself by trying to restate the other person’s point with a phrase like "If I understand what you’re saying …"

2. You don’t get to the point

You’re either droning on and on about something irrelevant, or you’re otherwise sharing details that aren’t necessary. As a result, your meaning is skewed and the other person loses interest.

The solution

Try to communicate as briefly and concisely as possible. This is effective for a number of reasons. First, it forces you to understand what you’re really trying to get across: If you don’t allow yourself any room to ramble or veer off-topic, you’ll stick to the most important information.

Second, it reduces the possibility for miscommunication. If you only write two sentences, it’s a lot harder to lose your meaning than if you wrote six paragraphs. Third, it shows respect for the other person’s time. Finally, it encourages reciprocity.

By being more succinct, you’ll encourage others in your organization or group to be similarly concise. So, whether you’re writing an email or preparing to give a speech, ask yourself if you can cut any additional fluff.

Related: 5 Tips for Writing Shorter Emails That Don't Come Across as Rude or Abrupt

3. You don’t encourage two-way communication

If you’re a boss who only gives commands, or an employee who never asks questions, you’re closing the door on meaningful dialogue. Most work requires some form of an exchange, and you don’t want to be seen as unapproachable.

The solution

I’m not suggesting you respond to every single email, or that you have to mandate two questions be asked for every task you assign. Instead, focus on making people feel welcome to ask questions or provide more information.

Hint: One way to encourage this behavior is to model it. If you take the first step, other people will feel more comfortable doing the same.