According to psychologist Arthur Aron, the quality of a person's relationships is the single biggest predictor of human happiness.

Perhaps that's one of the reasons why researchers devote so much energy to pinpointing the factors that may indicate contentment and longevity, such as how much they laugh together, to how much sex they have every month, to the way they feel around each other.

Here's another potential factor to add to the list: credit scores.

No, really. A working paper from the Federal Reserve Board, which we originally found via the Washington Post, finds a link between having a high credit score and the likelihood of both entering into a committed relationship, and staying in one.

Additionally, it suggests a positive correlation between couples entering a relationship with similar credit scores and couples maintaining that relationship for the long run. 

"Broadly speaking, our results point to a quantitatively large and significant role for credit scores in the formation and dissolution of committed relationships," write researchers Jane Dokko, Geng Li, and Jessica Hayes, who used an algorithm to analyze 15 years' worth of credit data from 12 million randomly selected Americans.

From their paper, "Credit Scores and Committed Relationships":

Three sets of empirical results support this conclusion: First, credit scores are positively correlated with the likelihood of forming a committed relationship and its subsequent stability.

Second, partners positively sort into committed relationships along the credit score dimension even after controlling for other similarities between the partners.

Third, a positive correlation notwithstanding, within-couple differences in credit scores are apparent at the start of relationships.

In the following chart from the paper, the researchers show the odds of a person forming a relationship in the next year increases along with credit score. Simply put, the analyzed data finds people with higher credit scores (scores above 800 are omitted from this chart) have greater odds of starting a relationship in the next year.

Another chart shows the odds of couples who do form relationships separating in the first six years of their relationship. A higher credit score is associated with a lesser likelihood that a couple will separate.

The researchers also find that couples' credit scores tend to converge over the years — which makes sense, if you consider that a household probably starts to use joint accounts and credit cards, and holds equal responsibility for major loans.

"The initial match quality in credit scores is highly predictive of subsequent separations even when controlling for other factors, such as couples' use of credit and the occurrence of financial distress," they write.

Translation: Couples who come to a relationship with vastly different credit scores may be more likely to separate.

Plus, the researchers also draw a parallel between high credit scores and trustworthiness, writing that "we find that survey-based measures of trustworthiness are also associated with relationship outcomes, which implies that differentials in credit scores may also reflect mismatch in couples' trustworthiness."

Credit scores— a representation of your credit history through a three-digit number between 301 and 850 — have long been used as an indication of trustworthiness by lenders, who use the number as a way to help predict how you'll treat their credit line based on your financial history. The higher the number, the more likely lenders are to trust you with a major loan such as a mortgage.

While no one with any tact expects you to share your score with a first date, or list it on your online dating profile, you can get yours for free, as often as you'd like, from the three credit bureaus that issue them from sites such as Credit.com, CreditKarma, and CreditSesame.

The free score might not be exactly what a lender sees when they pull it up, but it should be close enough to know whether you're in a strong position to request loans in the future.

Or to gauge compatibility with your date.

SEE ALSO: 6 money lies that can destroy your relationship

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Sometimes your closest and most important relationships are also the most difficult. Why?

Columbia Business School professor Adam Galinsky and Wharton professor Maurice Schweitzer have an answer:

All your relationships are both cooperative and competitive.

We work together with the ones we love, but we also have a bit of rivalry going on at times. It's natural, but difficult.

That competitiveness can be why friends and loved ones can have such a positive and motivating influence on us. But it can also lead to envy and schadenfreude (taking pleasure in their misfortune).

Sadly, neuroscience research shows the more similar we are to someone, the more likely we are to feel schadenfreude.

Via "Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both"

Neuroscience research led by Hidehiko Takahashi of Japan's National Institute of Radiological Sciences finds evidence that the experience of schadenfreude is more pronounced the more similar the person experiencing the misfortune is to us.

And as you may be aware, sibling rivalry can extend into adulthood.

One study looked at pairs of sisters, both married. One works, the other doesn't. What was the best predictor of whether the non-working one would get a job?

If her husband made less than her sister's, she was likely to start going on interviews.

Via "Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both":

The power of social comparisons even extends to adult siblings. Consider two sisters. One sister works outside the home and the other does not. What influences their decision whether or not to enter the workforce? Surprisingly, the total amount of household income does not matter much. What really matters is whether their household income is more or less than their sister's household income. David Neumark of the University of California, Irvine, found that a wife whose husband earned less than her sister's husband is far more likely to feel compelled to work. Why? Because without her participation in the job market, her household income would be less than her sister's household income!

This type of competition is inevitable but can hurt the relationships that matter to you most.

So how can we get closer to the people we love and make sure they feel like we're on their side, and not a rival to be outdone?

Here's what the research had to say …

1. Make Sure To Screw Up

People rarely show their blunders on Facebook but they certainly post pictures of beautiful vacations and updates about big promotions. And that can lead to social comparisons and envy.

Doing everything to make your life seem perfect may make you look good but it can also be a prescription for resentment.

What makes us trust people? Warmth and competence.

Via "Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both":

Research shows that people who inspire the most trust are those who exhibit two distinct traits: warmth and competence.

When all your ducks are in a row and you're living high, you look pretty competent. But the warmth part can be lacking. What's a good way to make sure you don't inspire envy?

Screw up a little.

In a classic study, researchers had people evaluate three candidates. One had lousy scores, the other was nearly perfect, and the third had the same rankings as the perfect one but during the interview he spilled coffee all over his suit.

Guess who they thought most highly of? The fumbler.

Via "Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both":

Strangely enough, it turns out that they thought more highly of the high-performing person who spilled coffee than of the high performer who had been less clumsy.

Why? They seemed more approachable. They weren't so perfect as to make people jealous.

And this is why karaoke is a great thing to do with co-workers. Embarrassing yourself makes you a lot more human.

Via "Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both":

Why does singing off-key, revealing a secret, or making a mistake build trust? As most of us have learned the hard way, karaoke can be embarrassing. But it is precisely for this reason that it can help build trust. When you sing karaoke with your friends, sometimes the louder and worse you perform, the more you bond.

(To learn how to get people to like you — from an FBI behavior expert, click here.)

So if you want to show off your new car on Facebook, don't forget to drive your friends to karaoke that weekend. But what's a way we can dodge envy without looking like an idiot? 

2. The Crazy Question That Shows You Care

Alison Brooks of Harvard had an assistant approach people at a train station on a rainy day. Half the time she asked people, "Can I borrow your phone? I need to make an important call."

Only 9% of those people agreed to help.

But with the other people the assistant said, "I'm sorry about the rain! Can I borrow your phone? I need to make an important call."

Yes, she apologized for the rain. Something she did not cause and had zero control over. The result?

47% of people helped her out. That's a 400% increase. Similar results were achieved in many different situations.

Via "Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both":

Regardless of how superfluous the apology was, as long as it conveyed care and concern, it boosted perceptions of warmth and increased trust.

Research shows that just asking people, "Is this a good time to talk?" increased compliance with requests.

Little things that show you care matter — even if they're utterly ridiculous.

(To learn the lazy way to an awesome life, click here.)

Okay, so you're not forgetting to show concern. But what's something simple you can do to really improve a romantic relationship? Repeat after me … actually, scratch that: repeat after them.

3. Imitate The One You Love

When negotiators use "perspective-taking" and think about the other side's needs, they are more likely to close deals that make everyone happy.

Via "Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both":

Simply urging negotiators to think about the other side's interests prompted them to ask more critical "why" and "what" questions, which led to innovative solutions that met both parties needs.

Okay, but that's business and money. We're talking about love. But here's what's interesting: you know what helps you increase perspective-taking?

Mimicry. Sitting like they do, folding your hands like they do, etc.

Via "Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both":

…mimicry facilitates perspective-taking: It helps us truly understand what another person is experiencing.

Plenty of research backs this up. So can this improve a romantic relationship? Absolutely.

Ever notice that in older happy married couples the husband and wife tend to look alike? It's true. In fact, couples tend to look more alike over time.

Via "Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both":

… research has shown that couples do look more alike than two randomly chosen people… Robert Zajonc of Stanford University took photographs of couples when they were first married and again after they had been married for 25 years. After showing the two sets of photos to objective third-party observers, he found that the couples were judged to look more similar 25 years after being married than when they were first married.

And this is due to perspective-taking and mimicry. Smile the same way for decades and the lines in your face will look alike. And this actually leads to happier marriages.

Via "Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both":

…married couples with a greater capacity to mimic each other's facial expressions form stronger bonds. It is why couples that become physically similar over time report more joy in their marriage.

So try a little bit of mimicry — just don't make it obvious.

(To learn the four rituals new neuroscience says will make you happy, click here.)

So you saw that perspective-taking can help you understand others. But how can it help others understand you? 

4. Ask Them For Advice

When you use perspective-taking it can really help. But how do you get others to see your perspective?

Ask them for advice.

Via "Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both":

Asking for advice is a particularly effective mechanism to get other people to take your perspective as well. As our research with Katie Liljenquist of Brigham Young University's Marriott School has shown, when we ask others for advice, they put themselves in our shoes and look at the world from our vantage point.

But if you ask the boss or co-worker for advice, won't you seem less competent?

Nope. Total opposite.

Via Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both:

In a project led by Alison Brooks at Harvard, we found that people fear that by asking advice, they will appear less competent. But this is a perspective-taking failure: When we ask for advice, as long as the request is not completely obvious, we appear to be more competent. After all, we have just flattered someone by seeking their advice.

And what's great about seeking advice is it works with almost anyone. If they're senior to you, it shows deference. If they're junior to you, it pays them a big compliment.

Via "Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both":

Because asking for advice signals respect, it is a strategy that works equally well up and down the hierarchy. It clearly works up the hierarchy because it shows deference and respect. But asking advice of someone below you on the hierarchical ladder — like when the boss asks a subordinate for their opinion — can have a powerful effect as well. The person below you in the hierarchy will be delighted to be acknowledged for their opinions and thrilled to have their expertise acknowledged.

(To learn what Harvard research says is the secret to being happier and more successful, click here.)

Okay, so what about when things go really wrong — as in, you did something you shouldn't to a friend, partner or co-worker? What do you do then to stop difficult relationships from getting even worse? 

5. Apologize The Right Way

There are a number of factors that improve an apology but one seems to stand way above the rest:

Promise to change.

Via "Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both":

In our own research, we have found that a promise to change is one of the most important components of an apology… Though the simple apology helped, it was the promise to change that had the most impact on how much trust their partner placed in them in subsequent rounds of the experiment.

Why are some people so reluctant to apologize? It makes them feel less powerful and causes them to lose status.

Via "Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both":

… as Tyler Okimoto of the University of Queensland has found, people who refuse to apologize feel a greater sense of power than those who apologize.

But what good is that power if it destroys an important relationship? Whenever you're reluctant to apologize, a good tip is to try focusing on what results it might achieve as opposed to who is right or wrong.

Via "Friend & Foe: When to Cooperate, When to Compete, and How to Succeed at Both":

As soon as you start to feel defensive or begin to rationalize some action that might have caused harm, take a moment of reflection. Take a step back and consider what an apology might accomplish. Even when we are justified in our actions and even when we acted with the best of intentions, there are times when an apology is the right course of action.

Have I made any typos yet? If so, I apologize and promise to change.

(To learn how to stop being lazy and get more done, click here.)

We've covered a lot. Let's round it up and find out what these tips are really worth to you… 

Sum Up

Here's what you've learned about improving difficult relationships:

• Screw up: If you've been presenting too perfect an image, it's time for karaoke.
• Show you care: Apologize for the rain if you have to. Crazy as it sounds, it works.
• Imitate the one you love: Take their perspective and turn into one of those cute old couples.
• Ask for advice: It flatters them and makes you look smarter, not dumber.
• When you apologize, promise to change: It makes a huge difference.

So what's this advice really worth?

About $236,232 a year.

That's what economists say a good social life and a happy marriage are worth in dollars.

So give these tips a shot. Being rich in relationships makes you pretty darn rich.

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SEE ALSO: Psychiatrists use an old trick to get people to trust them with their secrets — and it works just as well in business

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Discussing your personal finances, spending patterns, and financial plan with your partner is crucial.

"Dealing with financial matters is something any couple can do, but you've got to do the job yourselves, or it just won't get done," writes David Bach in his book "Smart Couples Finish Rich."

"If the two of you don't make your finances a priority, they won't be one."

The conversations must happen, and the earlier the better. After all, arguments about money are a leading predictor of divorce.

In his book, Bach points to the following six mistakes to avoid:

SEE ALSO: The 8 smartest things to do with your money in your 30s

1. Not deciding who is responsible for what.

"Spell out who's responsible for paying which bills," Bach writes. "You shouldn't assume that both you and your partner are somehow automatically on the same page when it comes to the question of how you are going to organize your finances and who is going to be responsible for what. If you haven't already done so, the two of you need to sit down together and specifically work all this out. The alternative is chaos and potentially major strife."

It can be helpful to have a joint account to provide the funds for the household bills, Bach recommends, but it's also important for each partner to have their own money. "Regardless of whether or not you both work, each of you should maintain your own checking and credit card accounts," he writes. "It's not a matter of hiding anything; it's that we all need a certain amount of privacy."

2. Not teaching your kids about money.

Only 17 states in the US require that students at public high schools take a personal-finance class before they graduate.

"If you don't start teaching your kids about money, no one else is going to," Bach writes.

The earlier you start teaching the basics, the better. Every kid learns at a different pace, but you can start laying the groundwork as early as 5 years old.

"You don't have to be a financial professional to be able to teach your kids about money," assures Bach. "You can still talk to them about how you are saving for retirement and why. You can discuss with them how you handle your credit card debt, what sort of investments you are making, and how you make sure your financial practices reflect your values."

Read up on the most important things to teach your kids about money and how to do it effectively.

3. Not taking credit-card debt seriously.

"Credit card debt can destroy a marriage," says Bach. "I don't care how much two people may love each other, if one of them is constantly spending the couple into debt, I can promise you that eventually the relationship will fall apart. If both parties are running up debts, it will simply end that much sooner."

If it's your partner who has accumulated mounds of debt, encourage him or her to work on erasing those balances as soon as possible. While you're not technically responsible for debt they acquired prior to your marriage, it becomes a collective hindrance as your finances merge.

Also, don't wait to talk about credit scores until you're about to make a major purchase. You don't want there to be any unpleasant surprises when you and your partner go to a mortgage company to get pre-approved, for example, and you're rejected because one of you has terrible credit.

The earlier you cover the topic, the better. Start by checking your credit score, which you can do as often as you want through free sites like Credit Karma, Credit.com, or Credit Sesame.

NOW WATCH: The way you pay with a credit card will start to change on October 1 — here's what you need to know

Relationship expert Melissa Schneider, author of The Ugly Wife Is A Treasure At Home, shares the differences between China's beauty standards and our own.

Produced by Joe Avella and Alana Kakoyiannis 

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Ever wonder if your significant other isn't being entirely truthful?

First of all, there's a good chance you're right — it's perfectly normal to lie.

But if you're worried that someone's fibbing extends into the important stuff, like happiness or fidelity, you might have considered trying to catch them in a lie.

Unfortunately, science can't tell you if your partner is sleeping around, but it is getting better at spotting when someone — especially a significant other — is being deceptive.

Here are seven ways to tell if your partner might be keeping something important from you.

SEE ALSO: Psychologist says these 2 patterns of behavior are the most common signs that a couple is going to divorce

READ MORE: 5 things that happen to couples who've been together a long time

Ask a friend.

Other people — strangers, even — have an uncanny ability to detect when something's not right in someone else's relationship.

BYU psychologists tested out this idea by having couples draw an object together, with one participant blindfolded and the other one giving instructions on what to draw. The whole thing was videotaped. Before they started, the scientists had the couples answer a few questions about their relationship in private, including whether or not they'd ever cheated. 

Then, the researchers had a group of strangers watch the footage and guess which couples included a partner who'd ever cheated. The volunteers were surprisingly accurate.

Although preliminary, the research suggests that, simply by watching a couple doing something that requires working together, an outside observer may be able to detect infidelity or unhappiness.

"People make remarkably accurate judgments about others in a variety of situations after just a brief exposure to their behavior," the researchers wrote in the study.

Mull it over while doing something else.

People are generally bad judges of character — consciously, at least. When we are given time to process another person's actions subconsciously, however, we're far better at telling truth from deceit.

In 2013, a team of psychologists had a panel of student judges watch people give testimony and decide if they'd lied or told the truth. The students who were given time to think before they made a decision — so long as they were made to think about something other than the case they were assessing — were better at figuring out whether the person they were judging had been deceitful.

"These findings suggest that the human mind is not unfit to distinguish between truth and deception," write the researchers in the study, "but that this ability resides in previously overlooked processes."

Listen carefully to the words they use.

For a recent study, Southern Methodist University professor of psychology James W. Pennebaker looked at some data he and his colleague Diane Berry had gathered from a text analysis program. They found that some specific patterns of language were helpful at predicting when someone was avoiding the truth.

Liars, they found, tended to use fewer of the following three types of words:

• First person words, like "I,""me," or "my"
• Cognitive words, like "realize" or "think"
• Exclusive words, like "but" or "except"

But they tended to use more of the following types of words:

• Negative emotion words, like "hate,""anger," or "enemy"
• Motion verbs, like "walk" or "move"

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Adam Galinsky, a professor at Columbia University, has published more than 150 scientific articles, chapters, and teaching cases in the fields of management and social psychology. His new book "Friend & Foe" with coauthor Maurice Schweitzer is about the balance of conflict and cooperation in almost every interaction.

We asked him to give us his biggest tips to a happy relationship. 

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What is love? (Sit down. This might take a minute.)

I've posted a lot about the science around love, including how to tell if your spouse is cheating and why high heels are sexy.

But what about the stuff we need to know to be happy. Platitudes don't cut it and though the poets are often right they're frequently vague.

Is there an expert who can give us some real answers about love: how to find it, nurture it and maybe even repair it?

You better believe there is. Arthur Aron is one of the world's top researchers on romantic love.

He is a professor at Stony Brook University and author of a number of key books on the subject of relationships including:

• "Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy"
• "Heart of Social Psychology: A Backstage View of a Passionate Science"

I gave Arthur a call and learned what makes us attractive, how to have a great first date, and the things that kill and improve relationships.

Let's get started.

So what the heck is love anyway?

Love isn't an emotion, really. When you look at fMRI studies of the brain it shows up more as a desire. A craving.

And that explains why it feels so good. As far as the ol' gray matter's concerned love's right up there with cocaine and cash.

All three activate the same area of the brain — the dopamine reward system.

Here's Arthur: "When you're in love with someone romantically, the areas of the brain that are activated when you think about them are what we call the dopamine reward system. The same system that responds to cocaine and expecting to win a lot of money. Love seems to be more of a desire than an emotion."

So, yeah, even neuroscience agrees that love is intense. But can anything that powerful last? Doesn't it eventually have to fizzle?

Not necessarily. Research shows some couples are very much in love 40 to 50 years later.

Here's Arthur: "Another thing we've learned both from that research and from surveys is passionate romantic love can exist in people that have been together 40 years, 50 years. We don't know the percentage. But people who claim to be very intensely in love that have been married and are in their 70s show the same patterns of neural response to a large extent as people who have just fallen in love."

Want your marriage to last more than 30 years? Just "being married" often isn't enough: you also need to be good friends.

Via "100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships": "In studies of people happily married more than three decades, the quality of friendship between the partners was the single most frequently cited factor in the relationships' success. – Bachand and Caron 2001"

(For more on how to keep love alive and live happily ever after, click here.)

So what do we need to know to have a good relationship that stands the test of time? Let's start with attractiveness.

This is what makes you attractive

Looking good matters. Duh. But it's far from the only thing.

Arthur also found that we're more attracted to people who are attracted to us. So showing interest gets people interested in you.

And believing the two of you are similar is powerful (whether you're actually similar, well, is another story…).

Here's Arthur: "You are much more likely to be attracted to someone who you think will be attracted to you, or who has shown they're attracted to you. And believing the person is similar turns out to matter a lot. Their actually being similar doesn't matter so much but believing they're similar does."

Believe it or not, other research shows even having similar fighting styles is a good thing.

It was related to double digit drops in conflict and a double digit increase in satisfaction.

Via "100 Simple Secrets of Great Relationships": "While people may employ many different conflict resolution strategies in a relationship, when both partners use the same strategy they experience 12% less conflict and are 31% more likely to report their relationship is satisfying. – Pape 2001"

And while we're on the subject of attraction, how about "playing hard to get?" Does it work?

Nope. Pretending you're not interested in the other person is a terrible strategy.

However, making it look like you're picky and have high standards but that you are interested in this person, that works very well.

Here's Arthur: "Playing 'hard to get' does not help. It's good for a person you meet to think you're being hard for others to get but not hard for them to get. That's sort of the ideal partner: one that's hard for everyone else to get but is interested in you."

(For more on how to flirt — scientifically — click here.)

How many internet dates do you need to go on to end up in a relationship? Online dating data says 3.8. But what should you do on that date?

How to have a great first date

So how did Arthur become so well known as the big researcher on romantic love? He did the classic "bridge study."

It showed that if we feel something, we associate it with who is around us — even if they're not the cause.

So if our environment makes us feel excited, we can mistake it for feeling in love. Check out a video of the study here:

So what's that mean practically? Roller coasters, concerts, anything exciting with energy in the air makes for a great date.

Here's Arthur: "When in the initial stages of dating, you might want to do something physiologically arousing with the person. The classic is to go on a roller coaster ride or do something like that as long as it's not too scary."

In fact, research shows you might even be attracted to someone trying to kill you. Researchers simulated a torture scenario and found exactly that.

Via "The Heart of Social Psychology: A Backstage View of a Passionate Science": "Those in the high-fear condition did show, for example, significantly more desire to kiss my confederate (one of the key questions) and wrote more romantic and sexual content into their stories. Looking at the details of these results, I found that the situation had generated, quite specifically, romantic attraction."

Other than excitement, what else is good to do? Open up. Not too much, too fast, but start sharing. Superficial conversation is boring.

Here's Arthur: "Another thing is to try to keep the conversation from being too superficial — but you don't want to move too quickly. You can scare a person away if you right away tell them the deepest things in your life."

Research shows that talking about STD's and abortion is better than bland topics. Other studies show that discussing travel is good, but movies are bad.

But what you say isn't everything. It's also how you react to what they say. Be responsive and engaged.

Here's Arthur: "There's some wonderful work by Harry Reis and his colleagues on self-disclosure showing it's not how much is disclosed but how you respond to the other person's self-disclosure. You want to be very responsive to hear what they're saying, to show that you understand it, to show that you value what they're saying and appreciate it."

In fact, the best self-disclosure can produce a bond almost as strong as a lifetime friendship in less than an hour. Seriously.

Arthur ran this test with two graduate students, trying to produce a romantic connection. What happened? They ended up getting married.

Here's Arthur: "The very first pair we ran, which were a couple of research assistants in our lab who weren't involved in this study, they actually did fall in love and got married."

(For the list of self-disclosure questions Arthur used in that study, click here.)

So the date goes well and you're together. What makes relationships go bad? And how can you dodge that?

The real reason why relationships fail

Think you two are badly matched? You're probably wrong. Arthur says this is a common mistake.

Who you are and what you're like has a much bigger effect than the match between you two.

If you're insecure, anxious or depressed you'll have trouble connecting with anyone.

Here's Arthur: "Most people think that how well a relationship will work has to do with the match between you whereas that only matters a little bit. Much more important is who you are, and then secondly, who the partner is. If you are insecure, anxious, or depressed, you'll have a hard time with anyone. Who you are and who the other person is matters much more than the match."

Think you two are going through difficult times but you'll come out stronger? Probably wrong again.

Difficult times don't usually strengthen a relationship — more often they destroy it.

Here's Arthur: "Long-term relationships of any kind have a very hard time when there are great stressors on people. If you live in a war zone, or you have a child die, or someone loses their job, it's really hard for a marriage to survive. When things aren't going well and we behave badly or our partner behaves badly it's common to jump to the conclusion that it's always been this way and that things will always be this way. When something stressful is happening we need to remember it's not always like this."

Other research has shown that trying to change the other person is a killer as well. Often, you need to accept your partner for who they are.

69% of a couple's problems are perpetual. These problems don't go away yet many couples keep arguing about them year after year.

Via "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work": "Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Couples spend year after year trying to change each other's mind – but it can't be done. This is because most of their disagreements are rooted in fundamental differences of lifestyle, personality, or values. By fighting over these differences, all they succeed in doing is wasting their time and harming their marriage."

(To learn the four things that most often kill relationships, click here.)

Okay, so maybe things aren't going so hot. Everybody thinks they know how to make it better. What does the research say really works?

4 things that really improve relationships

Like Arthur said above: it's not usually the match, it's usually one of the people in the relationship.

So if you have personal issues like depression, anger or insecurity, get help. Fixing you is the best step toward a better relationship.

Here's Arthur: "First, look at your own life. Are you anxious, depressed, or insecure? Did you have a really difficult childhood? If so, do something. That would be number one."

Relationships stop being fun because we stop trying to make them fun.

Early on you did cool things together but now it's just Netflix and pizza on the couch. Every. Single. Night.

What to do? Just like the recommendation for a good first date: It's about excitement.

Here's Arthur: "After a while, things are sort of settled and there isn't much excitement, so what can you do? Do things that are exciting that you associate with your partner. Reinvigorate that excitement and the main way to make them associated with the partner is to do them with your partner."

What's the third most important thing for keeping love alive? "Capitalization" is vital. (No, I don't mean using bigger letters.)

Celebrate your partner's successes. Be their biggest fan.

How a couple celebrates the good times is more important than how they deal with the bad times.

Not acting impressed by your partners achievements? Congratulations, you're killing your relationship.

Here's Arthur: "Celebrating your partner's successes turns out to be pretty important. When things go badly and you provide support, it doesn't make the relationship good, but it keeps it from getting bad. Whereas if things are going okay and your partner has something good happen and you celebrate it sincerely, you're doing something that can make a relationship even better."

The fourth thing Arthur mentioned was gratitude. And not only does it help relationships, it's one of the keys to a happy life.

What's the research say? Can't be more clear than this: "…the more a person is inclined to gratitude, the less likely he or she is to be depressed, anxious, lonely, envious, or neurotic."

(To learn the science behind how to be a good kisser, click here.)

So that's a lot of solid relationship advice. How do we pull all this together and put it to use?

Sum up

Here's what Arthur said can help you have a great relationship:

1. According to your own brain, love is right up there with cocaine and cash. And it can last if you treat it right.
2. Want to be attractive? Make yourself look good, emphasize similarities, and let the person know you're picky — but that you do like them.
3. A great first date is something that creates excitement and energy. Share things about yourself and respond positively when your partner does.
4. Relationships often fail because of individual issues, not because of a bad match. Resolve difficulties as soon as you can; they don't strengthen relationships, they cripple them.
5. Improve your relationship by dealing with your personal issues, doing exciting things together, celebrating your partner's successes and showing gratitude.

It's easy to get lazy when things are going well. But a little effort can go a long way — and not just toward a better relationship.

The research shows love has many positive effects like increasing success,longevity, health and happiness.

Here's Arthur: "The evidence shows that relationship quality plays a huge role in longevity. The findings are that the importance of being in a good relationship versus being alone is a bigger effect than smoking or obesity on how long we live. And the quality of your relationships is also the biggest factor associated with general life happiness."

If you don't have someone special in your life, here's how to find them.

And if you do have someone, make an effort today. Celebrate any good news they have and plan something exciting to do this week.

And then show them a little gratitude. Does anything feel better than hearing how much we mean to someone else?

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Do you have a secret list of things that would disqualify someone from being your significant other?

Apparently, many people do — and now those lists are not so secret anymore.

A series of studies on "relationship dealbreakers," published Oct. 7 in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, represents "the first systematic and comprehensive attempt to understand the traits that people avoid in their partners," the team of social scientists behind them write.

In one of those studies, the researchers asked a nationally representative sample of 5,541 single Americans to reveal which in a list of 17 things would be a "dealbreaker" when considering a "committed relationship" with someone.

The top three dealbreakers for men and women were "disheveled or unclean appearance,""lazy," and "too needy." Here's the full list:

People reported an average of six dealbreakers out of the 17 on the list. Men were more likely than women to say "having kids, living too far away, talks too much, and a low sex drive" were dealbreakers, while women were more likely to say "lacking self-confidence, being too lazy, being too needy, and engaging too often in television/playing video games" were dealbreakers. 

Respondents ranged in age from 21 to 76; older people tended to have more dealbreakers than younger ones, and women tended to have more dealbreakers than men.

Differences between the answers from men and women "were modest," the researchers noted, "which may be unsurprising given that men and women are more alike than different."

While the study was large, it relied on self-reports; people's dealbreakers may not always be what they say they are, since some may not be willing to admit their actual dealbreakers or even be aware of them. There are also likely many qualities people avoid that are not the researchers' list of 17.

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Joel Simkhai is a single, gay man living in Los Angeles, and he's the king of Grindr. Well, technically, he's the CEO and founder of the dating app for gay and bisexual men. He created Grindr out of a "selfish desire" to meet more gay men, and he's still a very regular user of his own app. Find out what it's like to be the king of Grindr.

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Do you have a secret list of things that would disqualify someone from being your significant other?

Apparently, many people do — and now those lists are not so secret anymore.

A series of studies on "relationship dealbreakers," published Oct. 7 in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, represents "the first systematic and comprehensive attempt to understand the traits that people avoid in their partners," the team of social scientists behind them write.

In one of those studies, the researchers asked a nationally representative sample of 5,541 single Americans to reveal which in a list of 17 things would be a "dealbreaker" when considering a "committed relationship" with someone.

The top three dealbreakers for men and women were "disheveled or unclean appearance,""lazy," and "too needy." Here's the full list:

People reported an average of six dealbreakers out of the 17 on the list. Men were more likely than women to say "having kids, living too far away, talks too much, and a low sex drive" were dealbreakers, while women were more likely to say "lacking self-confidence, being too lazy, being too needy, and engaging too often in television/playing video games" were dealbreakers. 

Respondents ranged in age from 21 to 76; older people tended to have more dealbreakers than younger ones, and women tended to have more dealbreakers than men.

Differences between the answers from men and women "were modest," the researchers noted, "which may be unsurprising given that men and women are more alike than different."

While the study was large, it relied on self-reports; people's dealbreakers may not always be what they say they are, since some may not be willing to admit their actual dealbreakers or even be aware of them. There are also likely many qualities people avoid that are not the researchers' list of 17.

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If you want to know how good your relationship is, ask yourself: How much do you laugh together? 

Couples who laugh together reported higher quality relationships, in a study published in Personal Relationships this August. 

The researchers, from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, recorded 71 heterosexual couples telling the story of how they first met. They then counted how many times the couple laughed, and whether they were laughing together or alone. 

Couples who laughed together more reported having higher quality relationships, defined by their feelings of closeness and support. 

The laughs also exposed some gender differences. Of the nearly 1,400 laughs the researchers recorded, 62% of them came from the women. 

But men's laughs were more likely to be contagious, causing their female partner to laugh with them. And this reciprocation had a special effect on the men. 

"The greater the duration of shared laughter in the lab, the higher the men's ratings of commitment, satisfaction, and passion toward their partners," lead study author Laura E. Kurtz, a graduate student, told Tech Insider. "These findings suggest that there may be something especially potent about shared laughter for men." 

The sample size of 71 couples is too small to know whether there's a similar effect in the general population, but Kurtz said previous researchsupports this association. 

She also told us that she suspects "that shared laughter may play a causal role in promoting [high quality] relationships," though this study showed only a correlation.

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If you want to know how good your relationship is, ask yourself: How much do you laugh together? 

Couples who laugh together reported higher quality relationships, in a study published in Personal Relationships this August. 

The researchers, from the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, recorded 71 heterosexual couples telling the story of how they first met. They then counted how many times the couple laughed, and whether they were laughing together or alone. 

Couples who laughed together more reported having higher quality relationships, defined by their feelings of closeness and support. 

The laughs also exposed some gender differences. Of the nearly 1,400 laughs the researchers recorded, 62% of them came from the women. 

But men's laughs were more likely to be contagious, causing their female partner to laugh with them. And this reciprocation had a special effect on the men. 

"The greater the duration of shared laughter in the lab, the higher the men's ratings of commitment, satisfaction, and passion toward their partners," lead study author Laura E. Kurtz, a graduate student, told Tech Insider. "These findings suggest that there may be something especially potent about shared laughter for men." 

The sample size of 71 couples is too small to know whether there's a similar effect in the general population, but Kurtz said previous researchsupports this association. 

She also told us that she suspects "that shared laughter may play a causal role in promoting [high quality] relationships," though this study showed only a correlation.

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Just because you post selfies on Instagram and write hyper-detailed Facebook statuses about your dinner doesn't necessarily mean you're a narcissist.

Common traits of narcissism include constantly feeling underappreciated, thinking everyone else is stupid, and feeling justified in acting mean to people.

But there's one key trait that distinguishes narcissists from everyone else: an absence of interest in other people and the inability to feel for them.

That's according to Joseph Burgo, Ph.D., a psychologist and the author of "The Narcissist You Know."

You'll know if this description fits you, Burgo said, if you lose interest in group conversations when they're no longer about you, or if you feel completely indifferent when people talk to you about their emotions and issues they're struggling with.

Burgo estimates that at least 5% of the population demonstrates this quality and falls into the category of what he calls "extreme narcissists." In general, though, he has noticed an increase in "everyday narcissism." For example, you might go to a party and talk to someone who tells you all about their own life, without asking you anything about yours.

The problem with acting this way, Burgo said, is that "being interested in other people is the basis of human relationships."

It's virtually impossible to develop a deep connection to anyone if you fundamentally don't care about them.

Fortunately, Burgo said, "it's possible to try and develop an interest in other people."

In a way, it's an act of imagination — you have to put yourself in another person's shoes and envision exactly what he or she is thinking and feeling. That way, you'll encourage yourself to demonstrate empathy for others, even if it's hard for you to do.

Ultimately, addressing your narcissistic behaviors will be a worthwhile endeavor. As Burgo said, the ability to relate to others and see things from their perspective "kind of defines your life."

SEE ALSO: 4 reasons narcissists can be highly effective leaders

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Getting to know one another is fundamental to starting any close relationship.

Thinking back to the first dates many of us have had, we probably started with very important questions such as “Why did you join Tinder?” or “Why exactly did I swipe right?”

As we delved deeper into the conversation, we may have discussed sequentially deeper topics such as whether we would like to be famous, what a “perfect day” may be, or even sharing embarrassing moments (my answers to this final question are probably responsible for a myriad of failed first dates).

These questions (and more) came from an actual study which explored the generation of interpersonal closeness in the laboratory.¹ Although conversations come in many forms, they are generally characterized by some form of reciprocity.

In other words, we typically take turns asking and answering questions with another person during interactions.

But we may also find ourselves interacting with someone who is more of a “chatty Kathy” who does all of the talking, or someone who just sits in silence listening to you.

Would such one-way interactions end in a disaster, or does engaging in any form of self-disclosure, whether it is just listening or talking, still hold the power to lead to interaction number two? That is the question that my colleague Dr. Sue Sprecher and I set to answer in a recent study.²

We invited two people (who did not know one another) into the laboratory to engage in two brief interactions over a webcam. You may be wondering why we chose to use a webcam instead of having people talk face-to-face. The webcam allowed us to maintain control of a number of possible extraneous influences that could affect our results — such as body language, posture, and anything else that may influence the interaction beyond our primary manipulation: whether people asked and answered questions reciprocally (i.e., taking turns asking and answering a set of questions), or whether one person engaged in one role at a time (listener vs. talker).

Importantly, the dyads interacted twice, so both persons in the non-reciprocity condition received a chance to ask questions and to answer them, thus achieving at least some balance in disclosure. After each interaction, we asked participants how much they liked their partners, how fun their interactions were, how much they thought their partners liked them, and how responsive they believed their interaction partners to be.

What did we learn from this study? First, reciprocating self-disclosure did promote liking: partners who took turns asking and answering questions liked each other more than partners who engaged in only one role (though that is not to say that these dyads did not like one another). Reciprocating dyads also had more fun in the interaction, believed their partner liked them more, and even perceived more reciprocity in their partner than did the dyads that engaged in one role at a time.

We also wondered why reciprocity in disclosure facilitates more liking than engaging in only one of the two disclosing roles. This is where our measurement of interaction enjoyment, perceptions of being liked by the other, and perceived responsiveness came into play. We saw that all of these variables uniquely explained the difference in liking we saw between the two disclosure conditions. For example, because people found that engaging in reciprocal disclosure was more fun than non-reciprocal disclosure, they liked each other more.

What is the moral of the story? Simply put, don’t do all the talking, and don’t just sit there without saying a word. A conversation is a two-player game, and both people have to be engaged and responsive to have a good time with one another. Even generally innocuous questions can go a long way, and if you reciprocate them, then you may very well get swiped right again.

1. Aron, A., Melinat, E., Aron, E. N., Vallone, R. D., & Bator, R. J. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness: A procedure and some preliminary findings. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23, 363-377.

2. Sprecher, S., & Treger, S. (2015). The benefits of turn-taking reciprocal self-disclosure in get-acquainted interactions. Personal Relationships, 22, 460-475.

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When meeting someone for the first time, a lull in conversation can feel uncomfortable and awkward, suggesting that maybe this new acquaintance won’t become your new BFF anytime soon.

Such a scenario reflects a generally simple rule of relationship initiation: when conversation flows easily between strangers, people tend to feel bonded with one another and this flow can indicate the beginning of a meaningful relationship.

Likewise, when conversations are disrupted or otherwise difficult, this lack of flow can make people who have just met feel disconnected.

But what about long-term relationships? Is a disruption in conversation as detrimental to couples as it can be for strangers?

Researchers at the University of Groningen in the Netherlands have tackled this question,¹ and their work suggests that a conversational lull can actually benefit your romantic relationship - IF you feel already mentally connected to your partner.

In one study, the researchers first asked romantic couples how secure they believed their relationship to be (“It is likely that my partner will terminate our relationship within the next 6 months”) and how connected they were to their relationship partners (“My current partner feels strongly connected to me”). The romantic partners were then asked to have a conversation via headsets in separate cubicles. For half of the couples, the conversation flowed from headset to headset immediately – there was no uncomfortable lag or delay (as can often happen, for example, during cellphone conversations). For the other half of couples, they experienced a one-second lag during their conversation through the headsets. After the conversation, participants were asked how validated they felt during the conversation (“I felt validated in my opinions,” “I had the feeling that my partner shared my opinions”).

For people who reported being secure and strongly connected to their partner, having a disrupted conversation (with the one second delay) actually resulted in feeling more validated and in agreement with their partners during the conversation compared to those experiencing an undisrupted conversation. For people who indicated they were less strongly connected in their relationships, there was no change in feelings of agreement when a couple had a disrupted conversation compared to an undisrupted one. This finding may seem counterintuitive – i.e., people who experienced a delay would more likely feel less socially validated -- but the researchers propose that when people feel very connected and secure in their partnerships, a pause in conversation might leave relationship partners to “fill in the gaps” on their own. When conversation delays, partners may use information that they already have about the relationship to assume their partners’ beliefs. When the couple feels very connected, they are likely to infer that they are on the same wavelength, leaving them feeling even more understood. For people who don't already feel so connected, these disruptions do not give the same reassurance. Rather, they likely just reinforce the lack of connection already felt.

This group of researchers report similar results in other close non-romantic pairs (e.g., friendships and family). It seems that the closer you feel to someone, silence or other interruptions in conversation can be beneficial for your relationship due to feelings of agreement that tend to accompany the disruptions. In relationships, sometimes silence is golden.

1Koudenburg, N., Gordijn, E., & Postmes, T. (2014). More than words: Social validation in close relationships.Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 40, 1517-1528.

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When considering a long-term relationship, most people have a wide range of dealbreakers. At top of that list are serious things like that the other person "has anger issues or is abusive,""is currently dating multiple partners," or "isn't untrustworthy."

When considering casual sex, most people have more superficial concerns at the top of their list. The top dealbreakers for this scenario are "has STDS,""smells bad," and "has poor hygiene."

This insight comes from a survey of 285 undergraduates at a university in the southwest, published in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin. The list of 49 potential dealbreakers the participants were ranking came from an earlier, open-ended survey of just 92 undergrads. Because both groups were small and non-diverse, it's important to note that specific dealbreakers may differ across the general population.

People also aren't always honest about their answers when surveyed. But the general idea of different "dealbreakers" among people seeking committed relationships versus those looking for quick pairings is something that's been observed before.

"These results are consistent with research showing that people elevate their standards when considering long-term (vs. short-term) partnerships," the authors conclude.

Check it out:

In case you're wondering, men and women also have slightly different dealbreakers.

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Can research on marriage help us sustain a more satisfied work force?

Eli Finkel wants to know. Widely recognized for his work on intimate relationships, in 2013 he joined the Kellogg School as a professor of management and organizations.

He also remains a professor of psychology at Northwestern University's Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences.

Finkel's new business ties arise from a strong hunch that the relationships we build with people share some key similarities with those we build with organizations.

"Principles or phenomena that have interested me are interesting to me in other contexts too," says Finkel. And the business world may soon have reason to return the interest.

Motivated Cognition

Consider, for one, the value of commitment in the workplace. Management scholars have identified links between commitment to an organization and positive outcomes, both for the organization and for individuals (findings that should come as no surprise to anyone). But does this commitment actually change how we interpret our experiences at work—and therefore how we respond to everyday challenges?

Here is one of many places where studies on intimate relationships may prove relevant. "There's a lot of research in the marriage literature, the dating literature, and the close-relationships literature more generally that really emphasizes the importance of commitment," says Finkel. Research suggests that the degree to which people strongly agree with statements like "I'm determined to make this relationship last forever" does in fact seem to predict a relationship's duration.

Why? In part, we can thank a phenomenon known as "motivated cognition": a tendency for us to perceive events in ways that align with our goals. Partners in a committed relationship are motivated to unconsciously champion their relationship's strengths and to discount its weaknesses — in other words, explains Finkel, "to overweight the extent to which their relationship is better than everyone else's relationship."

And the rose-colored lenses get even rosier when a relationship comes under fire. Remind a college student in a committed relationship about just how few college relationships withstand the test of time, and they will describe their own relationship as stronger than if it had not been questioned.

If these properties also hold true for our commitments to organizations, this could have a big impact on how employees respond to setbacks at work or job offers from a rival firm. A more committed workforce would obviously be a boon for organizations. But for individuals, commitment might be more of a mixed bag.

"Feeling like the place you work has value, and is the sort of place you'd like to stay, is probably healthy for people on average," says Finkel. So long as a job is a good fit for your skillset, pays fairly, and aligns with your worldview, feeling motivated to see your organization in its best light may be key for finding meaning in what you do and flourishing professionally. But there's a point where motivated cognition may become self-defeating for employees.

"There are personal risks to employees who are blindly committed to a company that is not committed to them," says Finkel. Motivated cognition could give employees the mistaken belief that they would never be happier, more fulfilled, or better compensated elsewhere, leading to a workforce more susceptible to exploitation.

Staying Satisfied

Commitment is by no means the only parallel to be made between our business lives and our personal ones. Another example: the risks associated with "helicopter helping"— where the assistance we provide others actually torpedoes their ability to achieve on their own — could apply as easily to our coworkers as it does to our spouses and children. But perhaps few of Finkel's studies have as much potential to rock the business world so immediately as his recent work on preserving marital satisfaction.

Over time, marriages have a stubborn tendency to decrease in quality. Even well-adjusted couples can find themselves in a downward spiral of "You upset me, so I'll upset you," which leaves both partners increasingly distressed. But in a 2013 study, Finkel, along with colleagues from Villanova University, Redeemer University College, and Stanford University, tested whether it was possible to disrupt the mounting dissatisfaction.

Participants—120 married couples from the greater Chicago area—individually assessed the quality of their relationship along a number of dimensions: satisfaction, love, intimacy, commitment, and the like. Every four months, participants completed the same questionnaire; they also described the most significant spat that had occurred between them in the intervening months.

Sure enough, over the course of a year, "marital satisfaction was down in our study, just like in every other study," says Finkel.

But then, as the study entered its second year, half of the participants received an additional set of instructions: to describe the conflict from a "neutral third party" perspective, to identify obstacles, and to consider how the obstacles might be overcome.

The instructions were given just thrice, in months 12, 16, and 20. And the manipulation was short. "On average, people wrote for a total of seven minutes," says Finkel. But the intervention worked. "Among people in the experimental condition, as you get to year two" — when the additional exercise kicked in—"the trend diverges."

That is, the simple reminder to consider conflicts more neutrally curbs the decline in marital satisfaction. "Couples who completed the extra writing task had just as much conflict as those in the control condition, and the conflict was just as severe," says Finkel, "but they simply didn't become as angry and upset about it."

Finkel's intervention is already starting to make its way into clinical practice and couples counseling. So might a similar technique — asking employees to consider organizational conflict from a respected, neutral perspective—lead to greater satisfaction in the workplace?

At least some management research identifies a "honeymoon" period after a new employee comes on board, followed by a dip in job satisfaction. An intervention like Finkel's has the potential to arrest the decline. Sure, some staffers may pooh-pooh the exercise as pointless or absurd, but "it's not exactly a big time commitment," Finkel points out, and it might just lead to a more satisfied work force.

"One thing that amazed me about the results of our first study," says Finkel, "is that the intervention not only made people happier in their marriages, it made them happier with their lives in general. If workforce interventions have similar results, that's an astounding return on a 21-minute annual investment."

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