• Many people believe playing hard to get will make someone interested in them.
• In fact, there is no evidence to suggest this is true.
• Instead of making you seem appealing, it can make people like you less.
  
• Rather than being disinterested, you should be selective.

You will probably have heard this classic piece of dating advice thousands of times: Play hard to get. It's a common belief that acting aloof and unavailable will drive someone crazy, and right into your arms.

If you're looking to attract men, this course of action is considered particularly effective. But if scientific research is anything to go by, it's nonsense.

In the 1970s, a series of studies led by American psychologist Elaine Hatfield looked into whether playing hard to get really works.

Social psychologist Viren Swami highlights the findings in a blog post for Refinery29. In one study, male participants were told to phone up a woman who had been selected with a dating service and ask her out.

Half the time, the woman would be busy and dismissive until finally accepting, and the other half of the time she would enthusiastically accept the invitation.

The men didn't seem to prefer the women who had less free time. In fact, there was no evidence at all that playing hard to get made them more desirable.

Of course, this was the result under experimental conditions. When a man decides to go after a woman who is rebuffing his advances, it may be more nuanced than the fact they like her unavailability. For example, they may have lusted after the same person for years regardless of their interest, or they may enjoy the thrill of the chase.

Games can define the kind of people you attract

In some cases, according to biologist and journalist Mairi Macleod, playing it too cool can mean you attract the wrong kind of people.

"Yes, if you show that you're confident and you don't 'need' somebody, you appear like you've got lots of options and so you must be a good catch," she writes in a blog post for Psychology Today. "The trouble is, though, that if you pretend you're not fussed about having someone there for you, you're going to be an attractive choice for a guy that's not that into commitment."

Erika Ettin, a dating coach and founder of dating site A Little Nudge told Business Insider that it's never a good idea to hide your feelings from a new date or partner. If you're busy and can't meet up with someone, that's one thing, but playing with someone's feelings because you think it will give you the upper hand is a waste of time.

"Does it perhaps make you more desirable in the short term? Sure — to some people, both the people who only appreciate the thrill of the chase and the people who are a bit insecure already, so being aloof feeds on that insecurity," she said. "But, if you're looking for a long-term committed relationship, then you want to be with the person who appreciates your ability to communicate your feelings, not withhold them."

Playing hard to get could also mean you attract people who have an avoidant attachment style. These are people who act very self-sufficient, and only enjoy closeness on their own terms. They like to keep intimacy at bay, and only pursue people who seem disinterested.

It sounds counter-intuitive, as you'd imagine most people would find comfort in a secure relationship. But for some, the insecurity of not really knowing where a relationship is going feels familiar, and humans are creatures of habit.

If they start dating someone who seems secure in what they want, and is clear about pursuing an intimate, exclusive relationship, it feels unfamiliar and they will bail. So they go after people who don't give them any security, which rarely works out in their favour.

Turns out we don't like people who don't like us

If someone is playing hard to get with you, Ettin says this could be a sign they are playing games.

"Men sometimes employ these tactics, too, and that's how Neil Strauss' 'The Game' created an empire, empowering men to try 'pickup artist' techniques," she said. "Just as I would say to women, these 'hard to get' tactics are like candy — it's best at the beginning but then it gets boring and nobody wants it."

Also, there's a difference between liking someone and wanting them. This could explain why playing hard to get doesn't necessarily work.

The "norm of reciprocity" is a sociological term that means we tend to like people who like us, and dislike those who don't. It's a simple idea, but if it's true, it could mean that playing hard to get could make people think we don't like them, leading them to dislike us in return.

But humans have a thing about winning. So even though someone may not like you that much, they may want to still prove they can have you, because they've been chasing you for so long.

In these cases, by playing hard to get, you could be fuelling someone's desire to win. As soon as they "get" you, they'll soon realise they didn't like you that much to begin with, and you're back where you started.

Here's what you can do instead

Hatfield, the American psychologist who conducted the 1970s dating experiments, looked into what a better method of attracting someone could be, for those of us who can't get the balance right with showing interest.

In a final experiment, researchers told men they had matched with five women's profiles, all fake for the purpose of the experiment, who had attended a session where they had filled out forms about what they thought of the men they'd matched with. The men were shown the fake women's answers.

One woman gave all her matches low ratings, one rated them all highly, and a third was selective, rating all the other men poorly except the test subject who was given a very good score. The men then had to rate the women in return, and the consensus was the woman who rated them highly but everyone else poorly was the most desirable.

So it looks like the answer is to be selective, but not excessively. You're not dismissing every option that comes your way, but you're not giving everyone a chance either.

By doing this, you make whoever you do go for feel special, because you obviously have standards. But that doesn't mean being so distant that it gets mistaken for the cold-shoulder.

On the other hand, if you find someone being unresponsive, Ettin said you shouldn't assume they are playing it cool with you. Instead, you should take it for what it is — a lack of proper communication, or simple rudeness. Don't bother chasing them, because if they really liked you in the first place, they'll stop with the games and come back to you.

SEE ALSO: Being familiar or comfortable with someone are two different things — and too much of one in a relationship can be a red flag

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• Facebook has a feature that can help you get over a breakup.
• Though the company introduced it a couple years ago, you might not have ever heard about it.
• It might not be a fit for every breakup, but for some of the most painful splits, it might come in handy.

Breakups are tough, there's no way around it. Even if they're mutual and there's no big fight or betrayal, adjusting to daily life, evenings out (or in), and special events without that person can be uncomfortable, devastating, and painful.

Facebook has found a way to make the pain of a breakup a little easier to handle, however. This is good news because otherwise you'll be at risk of seeing photos, posts, and all kinds of things from your ex (or that they're tagged in) if you don't go through and unfriend/block everything from them.

In 2015, the social network started to test a feature designed to help you cut ties and get over your breakup a bit more gently. According to The Atlantic, after you end a relationship on Facebook, you're taken through what the company calls a "breakup flow," wherein you can answer a series of questions about how much you do or don't want to see of your ex on Facebook. Ultimately, it'll even let you decide to never see them pop up in your newsfeed.

Although not all relationships are such that you'd be inclined to completely "take a break," as the feature is called, but if you're dealing with an especially painful divorce, the end of a serious long-term relationship, or are otherwise really struggling with the demise of your relationship, it definitely could help ease some of that pain.

Beyond blocking your ex completely or never seeing them in your newsfeed at all, the social media network will also let you archive your message thread with them or turn off the site's "scrapbook sharing" feature. If you want to be able to hold on to your conversation or make sure that you won't see those "on this day" posts of photos of the two of you from the past, Facebook's got you covered there too.

According to a 2013 study, spending more time on Facebook is associated with "negative relationship outcomes" like cheating, breakups, or divorces. This was only the case for those who’d been in their relationship for three years or fewer, not those in longer-term relationships. Although this was only one study, there are others that also show that the more time you spend on Facebook, the greater your chance of experiencing jealousy, relationship dissatisfaction, or the likelihood of a breakup.

Whether spending time browsing Facebook potentially contributed to your breakup or not, it’s at least nice that it might be able to help you get over it.

Regardless of how you answer the questions in the "breakup flow,"unless either of you unfriends or blocks the other, you'll still be able to go directly to their page and see whatever you'd like if you want to, as CNN reported.

And although limiting what you see of your former partner won't make the breakup a total breeze, it just might help you feel a little bit better until you're at a point where you're ready to see them occasionally pop up in your newsfeed again, should that day ever come.

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Having a crush can be thrilling— and completely, ridiculously nerve-wracking. You spend half your time wondering if that person actually likes you (I mean, they kind of made eye contact with you the other day) and the other half wondering if you had played it sufficiently cool around them.

Well, take a deep sigh of relief. INSIDER spoke to Matthew Hussey, dating expert at howtogettheguy.com, about all the signals people give off when they're secretly into you — and the best ways to (subtly) return the favor.

They act differently around you than they do with other people.

If someone is interested, you'll notice that they won't quite treat you the way that they treat everyone else.

"It's school playground stuff," Hussey told INSIDER. "The boy or girl is going to act strangely around the person they like. As soon as we like someone, it tends to be that our charisma and our wit and our fun, casual nature goes out the window — and this new, strange, awkward fumbling person shows up."

You'll also notice that their energy will go up when they're around you — and suddenly you're way more hilarious than other people give you credit for. Hussey noted that someone will laugh more loudly, smile more widely, and be more generally enthusiastic if they're interested in you.

They'll make a point to be near you — even if they're not actually talking to you.

Keep an eye out for your crush's proximity when you enter a room. You might notice that they shift locations to be closer to you.

"You'll find that you become a center of gravity for that person," Hussey said. "They'll find a way to get closer to you, even if they haven't quite gotten the courage to say something."

When the two of you do end up mingling, your crush will have a hard time looking straight at you.

"If they're telling a story to a group, and you're in that group, very often if they like you, you're the person they won't make eye contact with," he noted. "The person we feel most nervous with is the person who we avoid direct communication with."

They think you're really, really cool.

"When someone likes you, you'll find that they're impressed by you," Hussey said. "They want to know about you and what you're into. They're ready to be impressed by you because they're building up this romantic image in their head."

He also noted that it's a great sign if the person remembers details from your previous conversation — especially if that person is a man. "Men tend to be quite bad with details, but when we like someone all of a sudden, magically, we remember what someone said to us."

• The "love lab" in downtown Seattle allows couples to have their relationship analyzed, through observation and physiological measurements.
• The day-long experience costs $4,500.
• Couples receive a personalized report and find out how they can improve the quality of their relationship.

John Gottman has become famous as the man who can reportedly predict with scary-high accuracy whether a couple will get divorced.

In 1986, the psychologist and his colleagues built a research lab at the University of Washington, which subsequently came to be known as the "love lab." There, they'd observe couples discuss tense topics and take physiological measurements —  like the partners' heart rate and blood pressure — and assess the strength of the relationship.

Gottman and his team would follow the couples for years in order to determine what kinds of behaviors were linked to successful — and unsuccessful — relationships. Since 1996, Gottman and his wife, psychologist Julie Schwartz Gottman, have run the Gottman Institute, where they conduct their research.

The love lab closed several years ago. But in February 2018, it reopened in downtown Seattle, with more advanced technology.

What the 'love lab experience' is really like

According to the Gottman Institute website, each couple who signs up spends a full day at the love lab. The "love lab experience," as it's called, costs $4,500. "It's expensive, so people have to be serious about it," Carrie Cole, the lab's research director, told me. (The proceeds go toward future research on relationships, she said.)

Similar to what happened in the previous iteration of the love lab, each person is hooked up to the equipment that takes their physiological measurements while they're led through two, video-recorded conversations with each other. One conversation focuses on recent events; the other focuses on an area of disagreement.

The couples are then given the chance to review the recordings and provide their own assessments.

Finally, the couples meet with Cole, who highlights the relative strengths and potential challenges in their relationship. In addition to a 36-page personalized report, the couple gets recommendations from Cole on how to tackle those challenges.

The lab goes beyond what couples say, to understand how they feel

Assessments of a relationship's strength are made based on multiple pieces of data at the love lab, including the emotions the couple displays and the couple's own account of their relationship. But the physiological component of the love lab experience (i.e. all those wires attached to your body) is primarily what distinguishes it from a typical visit to a couples' therapist.

Julie Schwartz Gottman told me that, in the early days of the Gottmans' research, she was surprised to learn "you could have a couple sitting on a couch, having a conflict conversation, and they would look perfectly calm. They would look as if they were discussing the weather."

But once you outfitted them with heart rate monitors and other instruments, "we saw that those people would sometimes have heart rates as high as 140, 150 beats a minute, while they were sitting there looking as calm as little cucumbers." That is to say, the technology allowed the researchers to see when one or both partners were distressed, even if the partners didn't know it themselves.

Schwartz Gottman said, "There was a direct correlation between those high physiological measures that we saw and the relationship's demise five, six years down the road."

When the Gottmans led treatment for couples, they would focus partly on helping people stay calm during conflict discussions. If one partner showed signs of physiological arousal, the person needed to take a break. Schwartz Gottman said, "When they came back to continue the conversation, it was as if they'd had a brain transplant. They looked completely different and spoke completely differently to one another."

How the Gottmans have — and haven't — revolutionized relationship science

To be sure, the Gottmans' work is not without its critics. As journalist Laurie Abraham explained in her 2010 book, "The Husbands and Wives Club," John Gottman may not really have "predicted" divorce. Instead, he used his observational data to create an equation that could distinguish between happy and unhappy couples once he already knew which couples had divorced.

Still, as Abraham notes, the Gottmans' contributions to relationship science have been extremely valuable. For example, based on a 14-year study of 79 couples, John Gottman identified four behaviors that he calls the "four horsemen of the apocalypse."

As Business Insider's Erin Brodwin reported, those behaviors are contempt, or a mix of anger and disgust that involves seeing your partner as beneath you; criticism; defensiveness; and stonewalling, or blocking off conversation.

Going forward, with scientific data about your relationship in hand

At the old love lab, Cole told me, "we didn't offer a lot of guidance and support," in the sense that couples didn't get detailed feedback on how to improve the quality of their relationships.

Now, that 36-page report includes charts and diagrams that show what's going right and potentially wrong in a relationship. Cole said one diagram shows couples exactly what they'd need to modify in order to change the entire trajectory of their relationship.

Cole told me she wanted the love lab experience to be "engaging, comforting, hopeful"— not harsh and sterile-feeling. She said she aims to "give them critical, science-based information and deliver it in a way that is warm and genuine."

Perhaps most importantly, couples who visit the love lab are encouraged to feel empowered to make the changes their relationship needs — not doomed to disaster. According to the Gottman Institute website, if you visit the lab and learn you have a high probability of divorce, that does not mean you should break up immediately.

The website reads: "Changing those negative behaviors that predict divorce to more positive behaviors that predict success can significantly change the course of your relationship and make it better."

SEE ALSO: 4 behaviors are the most reliable predictors of divorce

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• You can meet toxic people in all walks of life — in romantic relationships, at work, and in friendships.
• Toxic friends are energetically draining, hypocritical, and not worth your time.
• But it can sometimes be difficult to pick up on the fact they are causing damage.
• Here are 13 signs that your friendship is probably toxic and you should get out of it as soon as you can.

Letting the wrong kind of people into your life can be incredibly draining. You're not likely to find enough time for yourself if another person is constantly on at you about things and won't give you room to breathe.

Toxic relationships aren't just the romantic kind. Sometimes, friendships with people can turn out just as abusive and damaging too.

Rather than bringing company and comfort to your life, a toxic friendship will bring exhaustion and frustration.

Psychologist and therapist Perpetua Neo told Business Insider there are quite a few signs you can look out for, which will tell you that the relationship you have with a friend isn't healthy.

Some of the red flags are obvious, but some are much more subtle. Here are 13 of the most common signs to look out for:

1. There's a whole lot of drama

One thing you can guarantee from a toxic person is drama. Chaos seems to surround them somehow, either because they're always arguing with someone, causing problems, or unbelievable things keep happening to them.

"Drama is a very big thing when we talk about toxic friends," Neo said. "A toxic friend tends to be someone who sucks us in either by being very amazing, very grandiose, or by being this sad creature that needs our help."

Whatever their story, you can guarantee you'll hear about it, or worse, get dragged into it.

2. Everything is about them

A toxic friend will never really listen to you. They will always be waiting for their turn to speak, or to turn the conversation back to them.

"In a novel conversation between people, you can say this thing happened to me too, which is ok because that's where empathy happens, and you form a connection," Neo said. "But then with a toxic person, everything revolves around them. They'll twist it."

A good way to test for this is by bringing up random topics that have nothing to do with either of you. A toxic person will have the uncanny ability to manipulate the conversation back around to them again, whatever the topic, without skipping a beat.

3. They put you down

Neo said a toxic friend will never compliment you. They'll never pick you up or congratulate you on your achievements. In fact, they're much more likely to kick you when you're down.

You'll realise you're never actually happy or relaxed around them because they don't make you feel good about yourself, Neo said. No friendship should be transactional, but if someone is draining all your energy, you should ask yourself whether you're getting anything out of it at all.

4. They compete with you

Whether it's your job promotion, a romantic partner, or a new class you're doing, your toxic friend will compete with you. They won't like the idea of you having anything that doesn't involve them, and they especially don't want you to excel at something.

"They want to compete with you, even if you're not competing with them," Neo said. "Even if you're in a completely different field, they want the same things you do."

5. They secretly copy you

The competition can go one step further, and a toxic person will start to mimic you. They might buy the same bag you bought the week before, or start using the same slang words as you.

"A very common thing I've heard, is this person really likes you, wants to spend all their time with you, and copies you," Neo said. "So it's not uncommon for toxic friends to be very jealous of you, tear you down, and to some extent try to steal your identity. In severe cases, they might pretend to be you and use your photos, like catfishing."

6. They cross your boundaries

Toxic people do incredibly inappropriate things. For example, Neo said they may ring you on your house phone when you never gave them the number, or even show up uninvited.

They won't listen if you tell them something they're doing makes you uncomfortable. Instead, they'll make you feel mean or crazy for even bringing it up. They have no respect for your space, and make you feel like you're abandoning them if you push back.

7. Toxic friends are obsessively needy

Neo said you might feel like you've gotten yourself an obsessive boyfriend or girlfriend without even asking for it. They'll call and text you at all times of the day, even if you said you're busy.

"They want all your time so it's a very codependent kind of friendship," she said. "So they'll text you all the time and expect a reply. Even if you say I'm going to be really busy over the next six hours, they'll text you just before, and throughout. And if you don't reply they will kick up a storm."

8. They're jealous of other friends

A toxic person will probably start to blame your other friends when you don't respond to their texts and calls. Neo said they're likely to criticise your friends to your face, and try and isolate you from them.

"They are extremely jealous of your friends and will even go so far as to tell you you're their only friend, and you're the only person they care about," she said. "Even if you're on a date they expect you to drop everything for them."

9. You feel responsible for them

Even though they're acting unreasonably, toxic people are skilled at making people feel bad for them. Their guilt trips know no bounds, Neo said, because they've probably spun a load of sob stories about how hard their life has been.

"You have this sense of support like you're a lighthouse for them, and if you collapse, they'll collapse," she said. "If you decide to spend your time with somebody else, what if they do something bad? If you don't answer them, what if they hurt themselves?'

10. They're hypocritical

While they make you feel bad for not making enough time for them, toxic people won't ever feel bad for letting you down. But because they're so irrational and dramatic, you'll let them get away with it as you don't want to set them off.

"They might owe you money and pretend they never owed you, and rewrite history," Neo said. "So you may feel irritated and angry, but because you don't want to trigger them and their difficulties, so you take a step back."

11. They lie to get sympathy

Toxic people always have a sad backstory. They'll probably tell tales of how they're an alcoholic, have a drug problem, were abused when they were young, or how everything goes wrong for them. "Woe is me" is their catchphrase.

"They may play up the chaotic nature of their lives to get sympathy," Neo said. "They might tell loads of stories that make no sense, that don't quite add up. Sometimes they go far as to hurt themselves just to convince you."

12. You're always set up for failure

Putting on public displays of drama are a toxic person's favourite activity. If you haven't done anything obvious towards them in a while, they might set you up for failure. For example, they could say you promised to go to the cinema with them and you stood them up, when that conversation never happened.

"They're very dramatic so they might publicly shame you in a place by screaming and shouting at you, so you feel bad and put in your place," Neo said. "They make you feel like it's your fault — if you don't want such behaviours then don't do it again."

13. You'll feel something is wrong

Neo said your body is good at picking up signals that something isn't quite right. It can be hard to pinpoint exactly what it is that's wrong, but if you are constantly feeling on edge, it could be because there's a toxic person around.

"You cannot figure out what the hell is going on," Neo said. "Your brain runs over time, and your mental energy is being sucked out by this person all the time. You don't only feel responsible, you feel destabilised around them. Some people make the room feel a bit energetically funny. Your body is a barometer telling you that they're trouble."

SEE ALSO: 7 positive lessons you learn when you leave a toxic, abusive relationship behind

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• The Museum of Broken Relationships features random objects people saved from former loves, like a stiletto heel and a piece of belly-button lint.
• It's permanently located in Zagreb, Croatia, and also travels to cities around the world.
• The museum was founded by two exes who were struggling to divide their possessions after they broke up.

The Museum of Broken Relationships is designed to make you cry, laugh, scratch your head, gasp in outrage — essentially to feel all the feels.

Headquartered in Zagreb, Croatia, the museum is also a traveling exhibition that has popped up everywhere from New York City, to Tokyo, to Paris.

As novelist and essayist Leslie Jamison reported in the Virginia Quarterly Review, the museum was founded by Olinka Vištica and Dražen Grubišić, who ended their romantic relationship with each other in 2003.

Flummoxed over how to divide their belongings, they wondered what it would be like to create an exhibit featuring items from breakups like theirs. The first version of that exhibition came to fruition three years later.

Today, the traveling exhibition continues to attract a steady stream of visitors, many of whom have shared snapshots of the items they saw — from the humorous (a stolen toaster) to the tragic (a juvenile court summons). Below, we've collected some of the most moving images from Instagram.

SEE ALSO: Ashton Kutcher says he went into the mountains and fasted for a week after splitting with Demi Moore — and it's an odd but potentially effective way to get over a breakup

"I hate throwing perfectly functional items in landfills but would hate to see someone walking around in my once beautiful but now sadness infused dress."

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"A memento of my grandmother's great love, Karlo, who drowned in a river in 1920."

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"One day, as a gift, he gave me a phone with wires hanging from it. He had ripped it off of a payphone in Echo Park the night before. I was not there."

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Breaking up is the worst.

And not just because it makes you sad and regretful once you do it, but because deciding whether to part ways in the first place takes so much mental and emotional energy.

So here's a framework that can help make the decision a little easier. It's based on advice from Linda Carroll, a marriage therapist (and Courtney Love's mom).

Carroll appeared on an episode of the "Art of Charm" podcast to talk all things love and relationships and shared four reasons to leave a relationship immediately:

1. Your partner is abusive

It doesn't matter whether the abuse is physical, verbal, sexual, emotional, or financial, Carroll said. You need to leave.

Carroll added that even couples with major issues could figure out how to make the relationship work — but in the meantime, you should "get away and move away and protect yourself."

2. Your partner has a character disorder that manifests in lying and jealousy

Carroll specified that this was a red flag only if "it's constant — it's not just a bad moment."

Again, she said that if your partner is really committed to overcoming these issues, it's possible to make the relationship work. But in the meantime, you should get some space.

3. You've done all you can do and it's just not working

"It doesn't mean that somebody's bad," Carroll said. "Maybe you got together because you were needy or you didn't choose well." Or maybe, she added, what worked for you at age 22 doesn't work for you at age 40.

The point is that relationships take effort — but there's only so much effort you can put in. At a certain point, it might be time to cut your losses.

4. You just know, 'deep in your gut'

When you "just know" you need to call it quits, Carroll said, it's not a "panicky" feeling.

It's not that intense feeling of "I can't stand this person!" that you get when they're chewing too loudly. It's also not that dramatic feeling of "I'd rather be single!" that arises when they tell the same story for the billionth time.

"You know, for your own reasons, that you really are done," Carroll said. "It probably less to do with the other person than with you."

Carroll also shared one very bad reason to leave a relationship: Your partner is an ordinary person.

If you don't feel madly in love every day, or if the things that made you fall in love are now annoying you, that's not a definite sign that you should break up.

In fact, other relationship experts seem to agree that sometimes being miserable, bored, frustrated, and/or angry is part of the deal when you get married. (The same logic probably applies to long-term relationships, too.)

As one marriage educator put it, "There will be times when one or both" people in a relationship "want out and can barely stand the sight of each other."

Bottom line — and we know this is annoying — no one can make the breakup decision for you.

SEE ALSO: A researcher who interviewed hundreds of married women found the happiest 'never bought into' a 'dangerous fantasy'

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• Life gets busy, and we all have to cancel plans sometimes.
• But it seems some people flake on you more than they should.
• If it's out of the blue, it could be an indication that they're going through a tough time.
• If it's a regular habit, they could be a "mirage friend."

Chances are you have that one friend who is always cancelling on you. It doesn't matter how far in advance you make plans with them, something will always come up.

They'll always be incredibly apologetic — but not necessarily sorry enough to give you more than a few hours notice.

Katherine Hawley, a professor of Philosophy at the University of St Andrews told Cosmopolitan these people are called "mirage friends," and it's not a healthy type of relationship to hang on to.

Hawley said mirage friends tend to treat their old friends worse than those they aren't so close to. This is because they believe they can depend on you not to give up on them.

For example, if you've known somebody since you were toddlers, you'll be less likely to cut them out of your life just because they flaked on your plans a few times. It's this foundation of friendship that mirage friends depend on, while they go out and socially climb their way up other ladders instead of spending time with you.

"[Everyone knows] people who are totally unreliable, but so much fun that it's worth sticking with them," Hawley told Cosmopolitan. "That can be healthy, so long as you have other, more reliable friends too, and you're not missing out on too many opportunities to do other fun things when that friend cancels."

In life, it is guaranteed that you won't be able to make every plan you set. In friendships, we listen and understand when someone just can't make it to something. But there's a difference between cancellations being an occasional annoyance, and someone who constantly comes up with excuses and makes you feel like they'd rather be doing something else.

"Constantly being let down makes us feel disrespected, even unloved, and that is tough to experience from a best friend," Hawley said. "We need to feel that we are somebody's priority, not their afterthought."

Having a mirage friend doesn't necessarily mean you should cut them out. Hawley recommends you try talking to them first. Rather than get angry, she says you should communicate your disappointment over always being a back-up option. If this person is really your friend, they'll be happy to work around their busy schedule to make time for you.

If nothing changes and they fall straight back into their old ways, it might be worth spending your energy on people who actually want your company. At least you know you tried.

SEE ALSO: Here are 13 signs your friendship with someone is toxic

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When New York-based couple Nate Huntley and Jackie Nguyen got engaged, they decided to mark the affair with an extravagant, fun-loving photo shoot inspired by their favorite iconic movie duos.

Huntley told INSIDER that he and Nguyen, both actors, like to "think outside of the box," and felt that traditional engagement photos wouldn't capture the fun and adventure they like to have. In fact, their character photo shoot evolved out of an idea to prank their families with "outlandish" pictures.

"We had the idea of having a typical setting, like a field of flowers or a mountain range that you see normally, but having us dress in full costume, like Chewbacca and Yoda," Huntley told us. 

This sparked the idea to embark on a yearlong engagement photo shoot with photographer Isaac James, dressing up as some of their favorite movie and TV characters  — and they absolutely nailed it. 

Huntley and Nguyen first met while doing a production of "Miss Saigon" in North Carolina. What started as a "show-mance" evolved into a real-life relationship, Huntley said.

Nguyen and Huntley were clearly comfortable in front of the camera when bringing a scene from "Mrs. Doubtfire" to life.

Huntley said he had the most fun recreating the famous "Titanic" scene.

They had to achieve the perfect angle while "trying [to] appear sad and frozen" in their wigs and heavy makeup, Huntley said. He added that "what went into getting that shot was absolutely bonkers."

Nguyen told INSIDER that she favored dressing up as the Wet Bandits from "Home Alone," which is her "absolute favorite film."

The couple took these photos at the Bethesda Fountain in Central Park, where the second "Home Alone" movie was actually filmed.

Codependency might mean slightly different things to different people, but essentially it's when one person is sacrificing more for their relationship than the other.

In romantic relationships, it's when one partner requires excessive attention and psychological support, and often this is partnered with them having an illness or an addiction which makes them even more dependent.

A codependent couple will not be good for each other. Usually, they will get together because one or both of them has a dysfunctional personality, and more often than not they will make each other worse.

For example, people involved with narcissists will find themselves giving and giving, but it's never enough. Their partner will keep moving the goal posts and making unrealistic demands until the victim is completely burned out.

It's important to remember that in a healthy relationship, it's normal to depend on your partner for comfort and support. But there's a balance between each partner's ability to be independent and their ability to enjoy mutual help, and if that balance is off, that's when things get messy.

We asked 8 relationship experts for the warning signs you could be in a codependent relationship. Here's what they said:

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1. You start filling in the gaps

"The first sign of codependency creeping into a relationship will involve one person starting to take on the responsibility to keep in touch and connect. As a partner pulls back in how much time, effort, and care they are giving, the other partner instinctively fills in the gap by working harder to stay bonded. As soon as this happens, the relationship has shifted in an unhealthy direction towards codependency."

— Shannon Thomas, therapist and author of "Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse"

2. You want to 'fix' your partner

"It all starts out like a fairy tale, but then your new partner starts to show some signs of unhealthy behaviors. Do you find yourself making all the sacrifices to support your partner? Do you feel like you lost yourself and you need the approval of your partner to be whole? Healthy relationships are created when both partners have mutual respect, trust, and are always honest with one another. Codependent personalities tend to be people-pleasers, thriving on helping others (or even thinking they may 'fix' them). When caring for another person stops you from having your own needs met or if your self-worth is dependent on being needed, you may be heading down the codependent path."

— Tracy Malone, founder of Narcissist Abuse Support

3. You lose all your boundaries

"One way of looking at a codependent person... is she is an over-giver. She always feels overly responsible for someone or cares too much for someone. She really feels like she needs to keep giving and giving, and overcompensating. These women can be really strong, but the problem is they don't grasp the need for boundaries. Boundaries are actually really useful with people you care about, but in a codependent person's heart, 'boundaries' is a very dirty word. They think 'the moment I care about you, I drop all my boundaries. I let you disrespect me, because I believe you have a story, so I over-explain away every single thing for you.' In other words, you give more credence to their story than to yours. You have to have firm boundaries, because when you don't have them, or you're not aware of them, you fall into the codependent trap."

— Perpetua Neo, psychologist, expert in toxic relationships, and creator of Detox Your Heart

• If you're falling in love, prepare for butterflies and excitement.
• However, if you're still distracted and completely wrapped up in someone after months have passed, it could be a sign of obsession.
• Obsessive passion isn't a healthy basis for a relationship.
• Here's how you can tell the difference.

Love is great. You've finally found someone who finds all your little quirks endearing, and who you can share your spit with.

Usually, if you're dating someone, you either have the feeling or you don't. If it doesn't work out, it tends to be because there's no spark, the chemistry is off, or you just don't have enough in common. When it is working, you'll have butterflies and want to see the person again and again.

But while it's easy to get wrapped up in the whirlwind of a new relationship, it's important to remember there's a difference between a healthy, growing love, and an unhealthy obsession.

When you first meet someone, your expectations might have been tainted by romantic films and books. You probably expect to be swept off your feet, and told how your new lover "can't live without" you. In reality, this might not actually be what you should aim for.

If someone you are dating showers you with affection and gifts right at the start, it could be a sign of love bombing— where a manipulative person makes you believe you've found "the one," only to start being cruel and distant once they've hooked you.

It's a tactic abusive narcissists often use to control their partners, because the victim will do anything to get the attentive, kind person back who they thought they met at the beginning.

Loving someone means giving them space

Being all-consumed by a relationship in its early stages could also be a sign of obsession. Being completely engrossed in someone isn't necessarily a red flag that your partner is abusive, but it isn't a good sign either.

In his book "The Psychology of Passion: A Dualistic Model," psychologist Robert Vallerand says obsessive passion is more of a threat to a relationship than no passion at all.

If someone is in love with you, they trust you. They want you to be the best version of yourself and only want good things for you. That includes giving you space when you need it.

On the other hand, someone who is obsessed with you will be jealous and possessive. They won't like the idea of you growing as a person, or having any independence, lest you meet someone else and leave them.

Obsessively passionate people are insecure and so preoccupied with losing their partner they actually end up neglecting them. They are defensive, controlling, and resentful, so it's no surprise women in relationships with obsessively passionate men report being less sexually satisfied.

One way to tell if you — or your partner — are smitten or obsessed is by looking at what's appropriate for where you are on your timeline.

The start of a good relationship is going to be exciting, and feeling butterflies is a normal, fun reaction to this. But if months go by and you still find yourself distracted at work, or you ignore your friends, family, and hobbies for your partner, that's not a sign of a healthy match.

Jonathan Marshall, a psychologist and relationship expert, told Business Insider that when people fall in love it's natural for everyone else to feel out of view for a while. But if you start noticing your primary focus is this other person to the point you're becoming isolated from things that were previously important, it's typically a sign something isn't right.

"When that other person becomes our raison d'être, it's too much," he said. "When the other person becomes your god, when your inner compass gets lost in the relationship and in the other person, then I think you're in trouble... Falling in love is a bit of a sickness because we go a bit insane, but if that insanity lasts for a long time, and you can't find your inner compass, then I think that's a sign it isn't in balance."

Butterflies, excitement, and daydreaming aren't red flags on their own. In fact, they are hints you're on the right path for something great. But if you feel you are being controlled by your passion, rather than the other way around, things can easily spin out of control.

Ultimately, if something is right, you'll feel it. If you think one of the two of you is obsessed, you'll probably feel that too.

SEE ALSO: Being familiar or comfortable with someone are two different things — and too much of one in a relationship can be a red flag

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• Writing about breakups in "The Love Gap," Jenna Birch explains why timing is so important in a relationship.
• Birch has observed that many men want to establish themselves professionally and financially before pursuing a long-term romantic relationship. That's not true for many women, she says.
• Birch recommends that women think carefully about whether to break up with someone whose life timeline differs from theirs — and the same logic likely applies to anyone in a relationship.

There's an anecdote in Jenna Birch's "The Love Gap" that I kept coming back to, probably because I hoped it would end more happily the next time I checked.

As Birch tells it, James and Lindsay met when they were 25-year-old med students. Pretty much right off the bat, they fell in love.

But when they started talking about more serious topics, Lindsay scared James by asking him where he saw himself in two years. It occurred to them both that they were, as Birch writes, "on totally different timelines."

Lindsay wanted to get married and start a family within the next two years; but James knew he would be caught up in the hardest part of his residency. With no resolution in sight, they broke up.

A month later, James couldn't stand how much he missed Lindsay. The two got back together for about a week, after which James experienced that same sense of things moving too fast and broke it off.

As of the publication of "The Love Gap," Lindsay was happily engaged to another man.

Reading (and re-reading) this story, I found myself wondering why Lindsay and James couldn't just work it out. Sure, their timelines differed, but they loved each other and loved being together — wasn't that enough?

Birch's answer: No. She encourages women (her target audience) to take timing and timelines seriously. Lindsay is a prime example: She may have still loved James, but ultimately she moved on with her life.

In fact, Birch documents a broader difference between the way men and women approach relationships, which comes down to timing. (Birch is careful to say that her findings don't apply to all men or all women.)

If you and your partner aren't on the same life timeline, you may have to call it quits

Many of the men Birch interviewed expressed that they wanted to feel settled professionally and financially before they pursued a relationship that could be "It."

One 24-year-old man, Isaac, told Birch explicitly: "Who I want to end up with is different from who I want to be with right now."

Isaac spelled it out: "The girl I want today likes to hang out, drink, is into music, binges on Game of Thrones. The girl I want to end up with has real interests and real hobbies — like running or something constructive. She has a real career. And the other girl, the one I want today, is still working towards a career."

Many of Birch's women friends and interviewees, on the other hand, were okay working on all areas of their life at the same time. And they were frustrated that the men they dated approached their lives more piecemeal.

Birch urges her women readers to take seriously what men are telling them.

She writes: "Sometimes, they just can't be in The Relationship at that very moment — or at least they can't give 100 percent to the gravity of dating and committing to an EG ["End Goal" woman, Birch's term for the women men ultimately want]. You should respect that, but know that you may need to make a hard decision accordingly."

It's worth noting here that women can also experience feelings of "too soon" in a relationship. On Mic, Kate Hakala writes about a man and woman who broke up twice before getting married — once when they were teenagers and once when the woman had just graduated and wasn't sure what she wanted to do with her life.

The woman told Hakala: ""I think I knew that if I got with him it'd be forever, and I just wasn't ready for that to start yet."

Regardless of whether a relationship ends with two people staying together or going their separate ways, the point is that each person should stay true to their values. Birch writes: "Lindsay ended up happily engaged to another man on her timeline, and I'd say that is a win, even though James was left wondering, What if?"

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• Tinder released a new survey on interracial relationships. Many respondents said they felt more confident about dating people from different backgrounds when online dating.
• Other research suggests people's attitudes toward interracial relationships differ from their behavior.
• Still, the rate of interracial marriages has increased as online dating has become more popular.

Tinder just released the results of a survey on interracial dating — and the findings seem hopeful.

Respondents were 4,244 people (not just Tinder users) ages 24 to 25 living in the US, the UK, Australia, and France. As many as 63% said they've felt more confident about dating people from different races or ethnicities when online dating.

And 66% said that online dating services have made it easier to meet potential partners of a different race or ethnicity. As for Tinder users specifically, 79% say they've been on a date with someone of a different race, compared to 62% of non-Tinder users.

We could applaud Tinder and other online dating services for broadening users' horizons and for bringing together perfectly compatible people who happen to have different racial backgrounds. But the survey focused on people's attitudes toward interracial dating and their own assessments of their behavior — not on their actual behavior.

Data from OKCupid, described in a 2014 blog post, suggests that people's attitudes and behavior around interracial dating can differ, drastically.

OKCupid found that, among its users, the number of people who said they strongly preferred to date someone of their own race dropped from roughly 40% to roughly 30% between 2008 and 2014.

But as OKCupid founder Christian Rudder wrote, in that same time frame, "OKCupid users are certainly no more open-minded than they used to be. If anything, racial bias has intensified a bit."

Consider: In 2009, Asian men on OKCupid rated black women, on average, 16% less attractive than the average woman. In 2014, Asian men rated black women 20% less attractive.

A recent NPR article described the racial discrimination many people still face while online dating. One black woman in her late 20s said she met a white man on Tinder, and when they went on a date, "He was like, 'Oh, so we have to bring the 'hood out of you, bring the ghetto out of you!'" 

Here's where things get even more complicated.

The proportion of interracial marriages has increased since online dating became popular

A recent paper, by Josué Ortega at the University of Essex in the UK and Philipp Hergovich at the University of Vienna in Austria, suggests that online dating should increase the number of interracial relationships.

The researchers reached their conclusion by creating upwards of 10,000 randomly generated societies. Then they simulated the connections made through online dating in each society. "Our model predicts nearly complete racial integration upon the emergence of online dating, even if the number of partners that individuals meet from newly formed ties is small," the authors write in the paper.

The authors of that study note that the number of interracial marriages in the US has, in fact, increased substantially since online dating became a popular way to meet people — though they can't say for sure that online dating caused the increase.

Ultimately, whether we should label certain dating preferences "racist" is tricky. As the woman in the NPR article said, "I feel like there is room, honestly, to say, 'I have a preference for somebody who looks like this.' And if that person happens to be of a certain race, it's hard to blame somebody for that."

She added: "But on the other hand, you have to wonder: If racism weren't so ingrained in our culture, would they have those preferences?"

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In 2015, Chanel Cartell and Stevo Dirnberger quit their jobs and set out to take a yearlong sabbatical. The couple had one goal in mind: to venture as far away from home as possible.

Two years and approximately 150,905 miles later, the couple finally returned to Johannesburg, South Africa, having traveled all over the world, from Kyoto, Japan, to Alberta, Canada.

Along the way, Chanel and Stevo documented every step of their incredible journey on their website, How Far From Home, and on Instagram, where they have over 160,000 followers and counting. Recently, the two adventurers, who are still traveling full-time, went viral for hiding emojis in their breathtaking photos.

Below, find out more about Chanel and Stevo's travels and see if you can spot the emoji hidden in each picture. We've included the solution to each puzzle, so scroll down slowly to avoid spoiling the surprise.

Meet Stevo Dirnberger and Chanel Cartell. The two met in the spring of 2010 on a blind date.

Set up by their mutual friend, Ani, they hit it off immediately.

The two adventurers have hidden an emoji in every photo featured in this story.

Chanel and Stevo started hiding emojis in their travel photos as part of a fun weekly challenge on their popular Instagram page.

All these photos were taken during the couple's two-year-long journey around the world, from 2015 to 2017.

During that time, Chanel and Stevo visited some of the world's most beautiful places.

• It hurts when someone doesn't text you back.
• Rather than understanding that sometimes people are simply busy, our minds can jump to conclusions.
• This is actually pretty harmful, both to your mental state and your potential relationship.
• One reason we do this is because we tend to psychologically invest so much in the future.

With so much choice over how you can contact someone — texts, WhatsApp, Instagram, Facebook messenger, Twitter DM, Snapchat — it can be pretty alarming when someone doesn't respond to you. They can like Instagram photos and Facebook posts, but they apparently can't conjure up the energy to message you back.

Cue your mind spinning out of control.

No response, or being "left on read," hurts. But perhaps it isn't normal to be at each other's beck and call 24 hours a day. People are busy; we have a lot on at work, and some of us feel like we need a personal assistant just to keep up with our own social lives. That's without taking time to go see family, exercise, and feed ourselves.

They are not necessarily cheating on you. So why do we let ourselves get so upset?

According to psychologist Perpetua Neo, we have so much anxiety when we're waiting to hear from someone we like because we attach so much to the outcome.

She told Business Insider we might be getting carried away and thinking of our new love interest as "the one," when in reality, we know very little about them.

"When we put too much into this outcome, that's when we are too invested in the future," Neo said. "It's good to plan for your future, but when you're planning with somebody else it's never so simple. Instead of thinking about what do you have in your life right now, you're thinking about what happens if this person isn't going to answer, and what happens if this future is not perfect?

"So we are not enjoying where we are in the moment — instead we are stuck in a future where we think the worst."

It's not necessarily a red flag

"The one" can mean different things to different people. For some it'll be the embodiment of their soulmate. For others, it will simply be the next available person who can stop them worrying about the scarcity of love so they can hurry up and settle down.

Of course, not everyone is going to be right for us. Some people just don't click.

"There are going to be people who don't answer back because they're playing games," Neo said. "That's ok, I think it's very important to accept that. They're not all going to be all perfect people or even good people. But the point is to be able to know when to say goodbye to them, and to be able to recognise the red flags."

If you're really feeling anxious that someone you thought things were going well with isn't talking to you, it's worth thinking about whether this is a pattern. You could ask yourself if this is a running theme with everyone you date, or if it's a new feeling you've only had with this particular person.

It can come down to your own insecurities

"If it's a long standing pattern, then you've got to ask yourself: 'What are my basic insecurities when it comes to relationships? How can I face them? How can I use this as a chance to grow as a person?'" said Neo. "We think that we can carry a lot of insecurities, burdens, and worries, without worrying about them. We think that they are destined to be with us forever, like a piece of furniture, or a limb."

In reality, when we can actually give ourselves the permission to examine what our insecurities are, we can tackle and learn to heal from them a lot easier. Neo said this makes you see them as a grotty old sweater you can throw away, rather than a limb you need to lob off.

Obsessing is a hard habit to break, but Neo said that when your mind is wandering you should think about seeing a friend or trying out a new hobby rather than watching another episode of a brain-numbing Netflix show. You could even try just being comfortable in your own company, and "dating" yourself, as so many people are scared of just being by themselves.

"You can't really expect this guy, especially someone who we are just texting on and off, to complete your life — he should actually be the cherry on your cake of a really amazing life," Neo said. "If you expect them to complete you, then the dynamic is going to be a bit screwed up, because you are expecting too much from them."

Listen to your feelings — but be careful what you do with them

Your feelings are valid, and even if you think you're being irrational you should still listen to them. Whether or not you're being dramatic, they act as a barometer for something that's going on. Sooner than you think, the anxiety will fade and you'll realise some people just text less than others. Maybe they have a lot going on.

"The problem is, when we live in the future, we condemn ourselves to a catastrophe," Neo said. "And when you do that, you're condemning yourself to the worst possible future. It's like staring into a crystal ball, and it's cracked. So next time he comes to you, you'll be in this really horrible passive aggressive mood."

The other explanation is that they really are trying to ghost you, in which case you shouldn't waste time on them anyway.

"It's okay if you say something like: 'I felt really stupid because I'm not used to not having replies for three days,' because that actually communicates your expectations and your boundaries without making him responsible," Neo said. "If they're a decent person, they will learn how to adjust. But if you use your feelings, and blame them, then you are going to be extremely dramatic, and extremely annoying."

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• A recent survey found that most people would rather talk to their partner about their weight than their finances. 
• But financial experts say that having these tough conversations with your partner is the key to a healthier relationship and healthier finances.
• Here's why you should have the money talk — and how best to do it.

Money can be a sore subject. So much so that most people would actually rather talk about their weight than their finances, one survey found.

In a 2017 survey conducted by investing app Acorns, 68 percent of the 3,010 respondents said they'd rather reveal how much they weigh than how much money they have in their savings account. Additionally, 42 percent said they felt "anxious and depressed" when thinking about their financial future, and another 11 percent said they felt "meh" about it. 

"Many couples I've talked to and in the community mention they're embarrassed about their finances," Elle Martinez, a financial counselor and host of Couple Money, told INSIDER. "Whether their spouse or partner is supportive, there is still a fear of judgment. In particular, the amount of debt they have can increase the hesitance to open up."

Often, people are embarrassed to reveal that they have a huge debt and little or nothing to show for it, she said. And people don't like to admit that they spent more than they can afford.

Although it can be uncomfortable, there are plenty of good reasons to open up to your significant other about the state of your finances. 

It keeps a small problem from becoming a giant problem.

When a couple isn't talking about money, there's a good chance it can snowball out of control.

Martinez shared a story about a man who managed the family finances. His wife wasn't in interested the details of their finances so they did not discuss them as a couple.  But their credit card balances slowly increased year after year. Martinez said the husband "didn't see it as a problem because the 'next' promotion would fix things." 

But then the 2008 recession hit, and the couple's minimum credit card payments had jumped to $2,500 per month. Because the couple never talked about finances, their troubles came as a huge shock to the husband's wife.

"He had to admit to his wife they were two weeks from bankruptcy," Martinez said. 

Fortunately, the couple managed to work it out and get themselves out of debt, she said. Now, they both keep an eye on their spending from week to week, a practice she says is essential for couples.

It makes accomplishing long-term goals easier. 

Whether it's paying down debt, increasing retirement contributions, or starting a side job to test out a career change, Martinez said a couple can accomplish extraordinary things together when they commit to a goal. 

"I've talked to couples who have retired in their 30s and 40s because they live on one income and invested the rest," she said.

Talking about these goals and how to achieve them together can be a good way to ease into the topic of finances, Martinez said.

"Discuss with each other what you'd like to do in the next year, five years, and beyond," she said. "Then you can slowly open up about what things you'd like to do financially to get you to that point."

It might reveal unexpected benefits.

"Economically, being a couple opens each individual up to the options available to both members of the party," Kristen Euriteg, certified financial planner and founder of Brooklyn Plans LLC, told INSIDER. "For example, if you have a couple with one freelancer and one salaried employee, the freelancer can get the health benefits of the employed person for less than on the open market."

Euriteg said she recently worked with a man who supported his partner while she went back to school to get her master's degree. The woman qualified for student loans, which she took out to refinance the man's credit card debt at lower rates and more flexible repayment terms, so they both reaped the rewards of being open about their money.

It can improve trust and the quality of your relationship.

Honesty and communication are the foundations of a solid relationship, and that's especially true when it comes to money. Euriteg said she's seen major strain in relationships that resulted from one or both partners hiding aspects of their finances.

For example, one couple she consulted with had very different ideas about spending.

"Rather than confronting this dynamic in their relationship, the man started hiding some of his spendings, which led to a breakdown in the trust in the relationship when the woman found out," Euriteg told INSIDER. "By the time they came to see me, there were a lot of negative feelings in addition to financial stress."

She told them that although it might sound strange coming from a financial planner, she felt the best thing for the couple was to go on a vacation together to reconnect.

"Emotionally, I'd say it's helpful to approach finances as a team instead of feeling isolated and alone with it," Euriteg said.

It opens the lines of communication early for an easier time down the road.

You don't need to reveal every detail of your finances on the first date, but experts agree that it's better to at least broach the topic sooner rather than later.

"My take is as soon as it gets serious and you start talking the future together, it makes sense to start talking money," Euriteg said. "I don't think you need all the gritty details right away, but to open those lines of communication early on and gauge your potential partner's receptivity to it would be important."

Regular money check-ins with your partner throughout your relationship are vital to keeping those lines of communication open, Martinez said.

"In our community we call them money dates and really that's what they are," she added. "You go out or stay in for an evening to relax and talk about what you're working on and how the money is doing."

As well as being a relatively painless way to talk about money, it can also be a chance to connect.

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• Couples that communicate better stay together.
• But many people start conversations harshly without even realising it.
• A new relationship health app called Lasting aims to help couples have healthier, happier relationships.
• The founder, Steven Dziedzic, told Business Insider some of the traps couples can easily fall into.

Communication in any relationship is super important, but it's something many people struggle with.

It could be that you're anxious about making the right impression, or you could fear intimacy and getting close to someone.

A new marriage health app called Lasting recently surveyed 75,000 married couples, and only 27% of them said they were satisfied with how they communicated with each other. 64% also said their partner wasn't a good listener.

Psychologist John Gottman has claimed he can predict with 90% accuracy whether a couple will get divorced just by listening to their first three minutes of conversation. In healthy marriages, couples maintain a 5-to-1 positivity ratio during a discussion, meaning for every negative comment or gesture, there are five ones.

In marriages heading for divorce, that ratio is a stark 0.8 to 1, so there are more negatives than positives.

Steven Dziedzic, the founder of the Lasting app, told Business Insider that there are some traps that couples fall into when they try and talk to their partner.

Your partner rarely knows what you're thinking or feeling

"First, people make the mistake of thinking that their partners already know what they want or need," he said. "Trust me: your partner rarely knows what you're thinking or feeling, much less what you need. That's why partners need to express their needs clearly and positively to one another: so that their partners truly understand how they feel and are empowered to help meet their need."

Another mistake is not thinking about how to start a discussion, Dziedzic said.

"This results in many conversations beginning harshly due to tone, volume, or words used — or a combination of all three," he said "When a conversation begins harshly, the other person is put into a defensive position — and when someone feels defensive, there's almost no way for them to respond positively."

In fact, if you start a conversation in a negative light, Dziedzic said they found that there is a 96% chance it will end badly too.

Most bad conversations start because there is a negative emotion due to unmet needs, such as loneliness or the feeling of being let down. For example, you want to connect with your partner more, or you're upset they don't understand you better.

"In this way, each of your emotions can help guide both of you to an underlying relationship need," Dziedzic said. "That's why it's vital to start a conversation by communicating your emotions and your needs to your partner: because your partner can't help meet your need unless they understand what you need."

The best thing you can do is communicate how you feel and what you need, Dziedzic said, and to start gently — don't go into a discussion guns blazing.

Essentially, it's about emotional connection, which Dziedzic says is the biggest predictor that a couple won't work out.

"Marriages are determined by the thousands of tiny moments in which the partners try to connect with one another," he said. "These moments can be simple, like 'How do I look?' or 'How was your day?' Or, they can be complex and nuanced, like a heated disagreement.

"Regardless, healthy couples respond positively in 86% of these moments with one another, while unhealthy couples, who eventually get divorced, respond positively only 33% of the time. Simply put, the partners' emotional responsiveness is the strongest predictor of divorce."

Those couples who can talk to each other, bring up issues, and stay curious about each other's thoughts and feelings will find it a lot easier to have positive conversations, and ultimately stay together in the long run.

SEE ALSO: You might still be single because of something called the 'paradox of choice' — here's what it means

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• Two exes who own a bakery together were interviewed by The New York Times about their divorce.
• The ex-husband said the "extreme" demands of running a bakery may have contributed to their split.
• Research suggests outside stress — including work stress — can negatively affect a relationship.
• Being stressed out general may contribute to divorce.

The New York Times has a column called "Unhitched," in which a divorced couple is interviewed about their marriage, what led to their split, and what life is like now.

The most recent installment features a couple who started a bakery together and subsequently divorced. One part of the interview jumped out at me.

The ex-husband said, "The demands of running a bakery are extreme. If we had opened a children's shoe store — another idea we had — there's a chance we might be married today." The ex-wife agreed.

The couple explained that the ex-wife's mother would help out with their kids so they could both work long hours. The ex-husband would start work at 1 a.m. and work up to 14-hour days.

Still, I was surprised by the ex-husband's admission that the marriage might have survived if they'd worked in a different industry. The marriage didn't end because they fell out of love, or grew apart — it ended at least partly because of how they handled daily work stress.

But the bakers are hardly the only couple to see stress take a toll on their marriage.

Stress may contribute to relationship problems, and even divorce

A 2009 paper published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that spouses who experienced greater stress outside of the relationship — e.g. related to work or friendships — perceived their relationship more negatively. Results showed they were less close with their partners, less comfortable depending on them, and more anxious about the relationship.

Another paper, published 2007 in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, looked at the factors that led to divorce in European couples and found that daily stress (not necessarily specific to work) was an important reason behind the decision to divorce in many couples.

Perhaps surprisingly, the authors found that "participants reported the accumulation of everyday stress as a more relevant divorce trigger than falling in love with another person, partner violence, or even a specific major life event that would have instigated changes in their private life."

It's always hard to pinpoint the specific reason(s) why a couple divorced, and we can't speculate beyond what the bakers said in their interview with The Times. Still, it's worth being aware of the way outside stress can spill over into a relationship.

That could, but doesn't necessarily, mean choosing a different, less stressful career. Instead, it's important to recognize when you're frazzled and when it's starting to affect your relationship. From there, you can take steps to reduce the stress, either individually or together.

Read the full "Unhitched" interview here »

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• Zayn Malik began dating Gigi Hadid six months after he broke off his engagement with Perrie Edwards.
• Edwards recently posted three Instagram photos wearing an outfit that looks suspiciously similar to Hadid's collection with Tommy Hilfiger.
• Fans are interpreting this move as an attempt to throw shade at the model.

Is imitation the greatest form of flattery — or shade? That question is up in the air for many fans who believe that Zayn Malik's ex-girlfriend, Little Mix singer Perrie Edwards, shaded his current girlfriend, Gigi Hadid, on Instagram.

Confused? Let us break down the drama: On Sunday, at Milan Fashion Week, the 22-year-old model walked in her last-ever show for her collaboration with designer Tommy Hilfiger, who she's been working with since 2016 and has produced four collections with.

One of the most iconic looks from the Gigi x Tommy show featured Hadid in a cropped white t-shirt with "TH x GH" emblazoned on it and skin-tight blue leather pants inspired by those of race car drivers. Hadid was such a fan of the look that it was one of the few she shared on Instagram from the emotional fashion show.

"Gearing up for the race #tommyxgigi 🏎💥🏁❤️ @tommyhilfiger pre-show by @lilmami_lani," Hadid wrote in a caption.

Little did Hadid know that the outfit would create a whirlwind of drama when Edwards, Malik's ex, recreated the near-exact look hours after Hadid wore it. After Hadid's show, Edwards posted three Instagrams of her wearing a cropped white t-shirt and blue race-car-driver-inspired pants not unlike the outfit Hadid sported hours earlier. Even Edwards pants, which featured black and white details, were similar to Hadid's.

The near-identical pictures immediately spurred fans to accuse Edwards of shade, especially after she posted an Instagram with a caption that was seemingly pointed at Hadid: "We didn't just look the part. We tore up the track." Many interpreted the caption as a diss toward Hadid dressing up as a race car driver, while Perrie actually knew how to drive a race car. The reactions were mixed, with many fans praising Edwards for her expert shade while others lambasted her for her petty behavior. A few comments included:

"Lmao is u shading gigi?"

"Looks like she's wearing @gigihadid's tommy hilfiger collection 😂😂😂"

"Shade at Gigi ? "

"She always tries to offend or insult Gigi because of Zayn. It is past, but she probably can't get over with that. Hurt and humiliated woman, but she looks pathetic, yes."

If you haven't been keeping up with the Edewards-Malik-Hadid love triangle, Edwards and Malik began dating in May 2012 and became engaged in August 2013. Two years later, in July 2015, the couple broke off their engagement. Six months later, Malik began dating Hadid.

This isn't the first time Edwards has been accused of shade either. In July 2017, during a performance of Little Mix's song "Shout Out to My Ex" (which is widely to believed to be about Malik), Edwards seemingly dissed Hadid with a lyric change. Though not confirmed, many fans believe that Edwards changed the song's lyrics from "Hope she ain't fakin' it like I did" to "Hope she ain't fakin' it like Hadid" for the performance.

It's unclear whether Edwards's outfit was intentional shade or a very ill-timed coincidence. Perhaps both of Malik's girlfriends have a thing for race cars and skin-tight blue pants. What we do know is that Edward's Instagrams have riled up the internet, us included.

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