• A group of researchers have found that we consistently seek a particular personality type across partners.
• Results showed that the current partners of participants described their personalities in ways that were similar to former partners.
• This suggests that people do have a specific "type" that persists across relationships.
• Visit Business Insider's homepage for more stories.

"They're just not my type." Whether during private conversation with a trusted friend, or while watching a favorite romantic comedy, we've all heard these words spoken about a potential suitor. But for all its prevalence in conversations about modern day relationships, hardly anyone has investigated whether "my type" actually exists.

Recent work has suggested that we do have go-to preferences when it comes to demographic and physical characteristics such as education, age difference, hair color, and height. However, no previous research has provided strong evidence that we consistently seek a particular personality type across partners. Now, a group of researchers have found just that — and if you're not sure what your type is, you might want to look in a mirror.

In a newly published study, researchers used the longitudinal German Family Panel study to assess where more than 12,000 survey participants fitted with the "big five" personality traits — openness to experience, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness, and neuroticism. Over nine years, the researchers tracked the relationship status of these people, who had to pop the rather unusual question to partners of whether they would mind filling out the same personality questionnaire for the good of science.

After nine years and thousands of questionnaires, the researchers ended up with 332 participants who had been in relationships with at least two different romantic partners who were both happy to participate in the study. That's a pretty hefty drop in sample size, but more than enough to draw firm conclusions from the data.

Read more:Smart, successful women may be more likely to get 'addicted' to toxic men than others

The results showed that the current partners of participants described their personalities in ways that were similar to former partners. So while people tend to believe that their personality preferences change over time, it appears that people do have a specific "type" that persists across relationships. In most cases, similarity was only tested across two partners, but for the 29 participants who had more than two willing partners, the results were the same.

Like it or not, your type might be closer to your own personality than you'd like to admit. The research showed that the personalities of the partners were not only similar to each other, but to the participants themselves.

Seeking out a little of yourself in your partners may help explain why our own personalities tend to be relatively stable when interacting with friends and loved ones. It's a lot easier to seek relationships that allow us to hold onto our existing ideas of what we are like.

That is, unless you're an extrovert in search of new experiences. Participants who scored highly in openness to experience and extroversion were much less likely to choose partners with similar personalities to both ex-partners and themselves. So while our relationships can entrench who we think we are, if we are willing to step outside of what we know, they also offer the opportunity to discover new ways of seeing the world.

Read more:A relationship expert identified 5 warning signs of unhealthy love

Interestingly, the study could hold potential for online dating. While previous research has struggled to predict romantic desire from personality traits and preferences, this research suggests that just as music streaming services use our existing library to make personalized recommendations for exciting new sounds, dating apps could use our relationship history to help us find future flames.

Of course, given that we don't know how long the relationships in the study lasted for, there's no guarantee that such a strategy will keep the fire burning. Too much similarity in a relationship can make partners feel unable to grow and develop. Married people can have a particularly low tolerance for behaviors that their new spouse shares with the former, and such similarity can generate anxiety and hopelessness.

On the other hand, having a current partner that resembles an ex-partner can ease bonding processes and help establish positive patterns of interaction. So don't go blaming high divorce rates on a tendency towards a type just yet.

Research like this isn't the be all and end all when it comes to the search for a soulmate. There are plenty of other factors that influence who we enter into a romantic relationship with. But don't be surprised if the next update in your relationship status is really just a return to the status quo.

Join the conversation about this story »

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• True love may seem perennially elusive to some, but there are certain factors that can increase your chances of finding it.
• According to various psychological studies, some of those factors include playing hard to get, owning a dog, and even caring about the environment.
• Visit Business Insider's homepage for more stories.

Love is perennially elusive — but not impossible to find.

Certain factors make it more likely that someone will be smitten with you: if your personality is similar to theirs, if you share the same worldview, or even if you do something as simple as gesture a lot, for example.

We dug into years of psychological research to find those particular traits and behaviors. In the process, we busted some myths and learned that certain clichés turn out to be true.

Here are 13 psychological reasons that affect whether someone will fall in love with you.

SEE ALSO: 11 reasons why it's taking you so long to succeed in life

1. If you make eco-friendly purchases

It's easy being green — but only if you're seeking something serious.

A 2016 study found that men and women who make eco-friendly purchases are perceived as more desirable for long-term relationships, while those who make luxury purchases are perceived as more physically attractive and more desirable for short-term relationships.

The study notes, "Compared to luxury purchasers, eco-friendly purchasers were ascribed greater warmth, competence, and good partner traits, but less physical appeal, and they were preferred for long-term but not short-term relationships."

2. If you play hard to get

A 2014 study found that men in a speed-dating experiment wanted a woman more when she played hard to get by acting disinterested in questions. But playing that game made them like her less.

This dynamic was only observed in certain situations, though: The men had to feel "committed" to pursuing the woman. If not, her hard-to-get behavior made them neither want nor like her less.

Alas, love is complicated.

3. If you display the right facial expression

Happiness is generally attractive on women — but not so much on men.

In 2011, researchers conducted experiments on more than 1,000 people, showing them photographs of members of the opposite sex and asking them how attractive the people in the photos were.

Results showed that men rated women most attractive when they looked happy and least attractive when they displayed pride. Women, on the other hand, rated men most attractive when they displayed pride and least attractive when they looked happy.

Interestingly, shame was ranked pretty attractive in both men and women.

4. Women prefer familiarity, but men prefer novelty

We may all have a "type," but men are more likely to be attracted to new faces than women are.

In one 2014 study, men and women were shown a random series of faces, some of which repeated. They were then asked to rate their attractiveness (much like a proto-Tinder).

For men, familiar faces were rated as less attractive, even ones just shown twice. For women, however, the opposite was true, indicating that the women preferred familiarity in a romantic partner, whereas men wanted novelty.

5. If you use a lot of hand gestures

Looking for love? Put yourself out there.

Literally — fill up the physical space around you with hand gestures and an expansive posture. In one 2016 study, researchers observed men and women in speed-dating sessions. Results showed that people were twice as likely to say that they wanted to see their partners again when those partners moved their hands and arms, compared to when their partners sat still.

For the same study, researchers set up profiles for men and women on a GPS-based dating app, showing them in both expansive and contractive postures. Sure enough, people were selected more often when they were pictured in expansive postures.

6. If you're really, really similar to them

Decades of studies have shown that the old cliché "opposites attract" is totally off.

7. If you share three basic compatibilities

According to the work of Canadian psychologist Eric Berne, the best-matched couples vibe on three different levels.

8. If you stare into each other's eyes for two minutes

Back in 1989, University of Massachusetts psychologist Joan Kellerman asked 72 unacquainted undergrads to pair off and stare into each other's eyes for two minutes. 

9. If you respond to their "bids" for attention and they do the same for you

Starting — and growing — a relationship seems to largely depend on how people attend to one another. 

After 40 years of studying couples, psychologist John Gottman says it's a matter of "bids." For example, if a bird-loving wife points out to her husband that a goldfinch just landed in a nearby tree, he can "turn away" from her by dismissing the remark or "turn toward" her by sharing her enthusiasm.

As Emily Esfahani Smith reported in the Atlantic, the results of the "bids" are staggering: in one of Gottman's studies of marriage, couples who divorced after six years had the "turn toward" reply 33% of the time, and the couples that were still together had the "turn toward" 87% of the time.

10. If you smell right

A University of Southern California study of women who were ovulating suggested that some prefer the smell of T-shirts worn by men with high levels of testosterone.

11. If you look like their opposite-sex parent

University of St. Andrews psychologist David Perrett and his colleagues found that some people are attracted to folks with the same hair and eye color of their opposite-sex parents.

12. If you take care of a dog

In a 2014 experiment, 100 Israeli women read vignettes about men.

13. If you are equally or less good-looking compared to them

In a 2010 study, each participant was given random photographs of strangers mixed with composite images of themselves morphed with those strangers. They were then asked which ones they were more attracted to, and the participants chose the composites.

According to the study, "Three experiments demonstrate that people find others more sexually attractive ... if the face being rated is a composite image based on the self."

This is an update of an article written by Drake Baer for Tech Insider.

• Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner are reportedly getting married again soon. 
• The wedding will be in France. 
• Jonas has requested plenty of beer. 
• Visit INSIDER's homepage for more stories.

Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner surprised everyone and officially tied the knot on May 1 in Las Vegas right after the Billboard Music Awards, but they're already ready to redo the night. The two are planning a second wedding that will reportedly happen within the month, and fans are already speculating about it.

Their first wedding included celebrity guests and an Elvis impersonator, and part of it was live-streamed on Diplo's Instagram page, which the couple later joked ruined the surprise.

While we don't know exactly when the next wedding will take place, we have heard some interesting details. Here's everything we know so far about their second big day:

This ceremony is going to be more of the real deal for them

Many might be wondering why the two are having a second ceremony, and it turns out the reason isn't that exciting: it was mainly legal purposes. In an interview with Harper's Bazaar, Jonas explained, "We had to do a legal marriage before we did a real big one. It was either the courthouse, or our version, and I preferred our version. Friends, Elvis, and Ring Pops."

They have both already celebrated their bachelor and bachelorette parties

The couple might already be married, but that didn't stop Turner from having an epic bachelorette celebration in Spain last weekend. She had a private jet fly out a group of her closest friends, including Maisie Williams, for the event. Instagram posts from friends who were there showed the group wearing brightly colored wigs and drinking from penis-shaped straws before going out.

Jonas previously had his own bachelor party at the end of May in Ibiza with a group of his friends and, of course, his brothers.

The second wedding will reportedly happen in late June in France

According to Us Weekly, this second ceremony is set to happen soon, by the end of this month. It's also going to take place in France, so it's likely going to be pretty different from their Vegas nuptials.

They might be getting married on the same day as another famous couple

Multiple sources told Us Weekly that Turner and Jonas are going to get married on the same day in France as Zoe Kravitz and Karl Glusman.

The decor will be "sophisticated" but still a lot of fun

It seems like the theme of the wedding is going to be similar to Turner and Jonas themselves: classic, but also exciting. A source told Us Weekly, "Joe and Sophie want to have a huge party. The decor is going to be sophisticated, but there'll be some kitschey elements, including a really wild cake."

As for the music, they'll be keeping things in the family

Guests of the wedding can expect some great music to dance to, of course. The same source told Us Weekly that they plan on having a live band, along with a performance by the Jonas Brothers themselves.

It will probably be more intimate than their Vegas wedding was

The newlywed's first ceremony wasn't exactly what one would call "intimate," considering it was live-streamed on social media. But in a May interview with Harper's Bazaar UK, Turner had said, "We're trying to keep it as low-key as possible so it's more of an intimate thing."

There's going to be a lot of beer involved

When it comes to beverages, these two appear to be keeping things simple. In an April interview on the "Zach Sang Show,"Jonas said, "We are getting married in France, so a lot of Coors Light is necessary. Not hard, really, to get that, but we needed to make sure that was going to happen."

Join the conversation about this story »

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• Married or not, relationships in Hollywood are notoriously difficult.
• These 11 couples are still together despite never tying the knot.
• Some, like Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham, even claim that if they had gotten married, they wouldn't have lasted.
• Many have kids together, like Maya Rudolph and Paul Thomas Anderson, who have four children.
• Visit INSIDER's homepage for more stories.

Marriage is just a piece of paper, isn't it?

For some couples, tying the knot isn't the key to a long, healthy relationship. Some long-term couples even claim that if they had gotten married, they'd be divorced already.

From Hollywood golden couples like Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn, to more low-key relationships like Enrique Iglesias and Anna Kournikova, these 11 pairs haven't felt compelled to walk down the aisle together.

Keep scrolling to see which celebrity couples have foregone marriage altogether.

Rose Byrne and Bobby Cannavale: 7 years

The two actors began dating in 2012, and have two sons together, Rocco and Rafa, who were born in 2016 and 2017 respectively.

While the two aren't married, Byrne has been known to call Cannavale her husband from time to time. "He's practically my husband, so calling him that is easier," she told ES Magazine, "The formality isn't a draw for me, but we'll do it one day."

Ryan Gosling and Eva Mendes: 8 years

This uber-private couple has been together since  2011, when they filmed "The Place Beyond the Pines." They have two daughters, Esmeralda and Amada.

Mendes told Women's Health that, before Gosling, she wasn't keen on becoming a mother, but that "Ryan Gosling happened. I mean, falling in love with him. Then it made sense for me to have … not kids, but his kids. It was very specific to him." 

Shakira and Gerard Piqué: 8 years

Shakira and her soccer star beau met on the set of her music video for "Waka Waka (This Time for Africa)"— fittingly, the anthem for the FIFA World Cup back in 2010. They first sparked relationship rumors in early 2011.

They have two songs together, Milan and Sasha, born in 2013 and 2015 respectively.

When asked by Glamour back in 2014 if they had any plans to marry, the singer explained, "We already have what's essential, you know? We have a union, a love for each other, and [babies]. I think that those aspects of our relationship are already established, and marriage is not going to change them."

Robin Roberts and Amber Laign: 14 years

The news anchor simultaneously revealed that she was gay, and had a "long-time girlfriend, Amber," in a Facebook post back in December 2013.

Laign is massage therapist, and doesn't enjoy the limelight, but Roberts occasionally speaks about their relationship publicly. "She's very, very supportive, and she's been right there beside me every step of the way," Roberts said during an appearance on "Ellen."

The two met on a blind date in 2005. 

Jack McCollough and Lazaro Hernandez: 17 years

The designers behind Proenza Schouler have been together since their college years. They teamed up during their senior year at Parsons in 2002, for their thesis, and have been together both personally and professionally ever since.

When asked by the Hollywood Reporter if they had any plans to get married, Hernandez rolled his eyes, and responded "No comment."

John Corbett and Bo Derek: 17 years

The "To All the Boys I've Loved Before" star was set up with Derek in 2002 by his agent Norby Walters. Corbett didn't have a date to an Oscars party Walters was throwing and his agent graciously helped him out.

Derek told Fox News that the two probably won't ever get married. "I don't know if we'll ever get married," she said. "We don't have children. There isn't that tradition to follow. Marriage, I don't know. It feels funny. It's not necessary for us. We're not proving our love, we're not starting a new generation together of families coming together. "

Maya Rudolph and Paul Thomas Anderson: 18 years

Rudolph and Anderson have been together since 2001 and share four kids together, but have never tied the knot. She does, however, refer to the director as her husband, because she felt "ooky" about calling him her boyfriend after the birth of their first child.

Rudolph calls him "husband" because"people know what that means. It means he's the father of my child, and I live with him, and we are a couple, and we are not going anywhere," she told the New York Times.

Enrique Iglesias and Anna Kournikova: 18 years

The "I Like It" singer and tennis pro met in 2001 on the set of Iglesias' music video for "Escape." They're so notoriously private that fans didn't even know they were expecting children until they announced that they had welcomed twins in 2017.

Oprah Winfrey and Stedman Graham: 33 years

Winfrey first met Graham in 1986 at a charity event, and the two been together ever since. Just a year later, Graham made his first appearance on Winfrey's talk show, albeit a surprise one. He called in to see what, exactly, Winfrey had told her bestie Gayle King about him.

Though the two announced their engagement in 1992, wedding bells never followed — and according to Winfrey, that's a good thing.

"We would not have stayed together, because marriage requires a different way of being in this world. His interpretation of what it means to be a husband and what it would mean for me to be a wife would have been pretty traditional, and I would not have been able to fit into that," she told Vogue.

Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn: 36 years

While these two first met when Russell was 16 and Hawn was 21, they didn't begin dating until years later, in 1983, while they were filming the movie "Swing Shift." According to them, they started living together after their first date.

Three decades later, they're still smitten. Russell told People in 2015 that happiness is"when I have a good day with Goldie, my grandkids, and my kids."

Hawn once told Oprah that her and Russell believe that "if you leave the door open, you'll never walk out of it." She adds that closing the door could add a "sense of finality," and that many people feel that their "spirit is squelched" by the legal act of marriage.

Ricky Gervais and Jane Fallon: 37 years

Comedian Gervais, famously an atheist, and novelist Fallon, don't really see a point in marriage as an institution. "We are married for all intents and purposes, everything's shared and actually our fake marriage has lasted longer than a real one ... but there's no point in us having an actual ceremony before the eyes of God because there is no God," the comedian told The Sunday Times in 2010.

• Read more:
• 60 of the longest celebrity relationships in Hollywood that prove that love can last
• 10 couples of more than 50 years share photos from when they were younger — and it will show you the power of everlasting love
• The biggest love song the year you were born
• THEN AND NOW: Here's how the longest celebrity couples evolved over the years

• Interior designers Nate Berkus and Jeremiah Brent host "Nate & Jeremiah By Design" on TLC and have two kids together.
• Traveling with kids can be challenging, but Berkus and Brent do their best on long-haul flights.
• Even as parents of young children, they still make time to travel together as a couple.
• "We feel like our kids will grow up in a happier life if we actually like each other," Berkus told INSIDER.
• Visit INSIDER's homepage for more stories.

Interior designer and co-host of TLC's "Nate & Jeremiah By Design" Nate Berkus is on his fourth passport. He also has two children with husband Jeremiah Brent, 4-year-old Poppy and 14-month-old Oskar.

The way they travel has changed a bit since becoming parents.

"Before I had two kids, I never checked a bag. I was very proud of that," Berkus said at an event sponsored by luggage company Travelpro. "Now we have, like, a semi that follows us wherever we go."

When it comes to flying with kids, Berkus and Brent keep Poppy occupied with an iPad ("She will watch "Paw Patrol" for six hours straight," he told INSIDER). Oskar, however, presents more of a challenge on flights.

"He's a 14-month-old yeller," Berkus said. "He wants to move, he wants to go, he wants to crawl, he wants to see. He has two words, 'Daddy' and 'this,' and 'this' can mean anything and it takes hours to guess. And he's a fast crier, like big fat tears instantly."

Read more: This woman used her maternity leave to travel the world with her newborn baby

Despite the chaos of parenting two young kids (or perhaps because of it) Berkus and Brent still make time to travel together as a couple — without diaper bags or "Paw Patrol"— and focus on their relationship with each other.

"It's part of our philosophy as a family," he said. "We put ourselves first before our kids. We feel like our kids will grow up in a happier life if we actually like each other and are able to take three days away."

• Read more:
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• Here's how much each airline charges for checked bags and carry-ons
• 15 tips for packing your suitcase that will help you save space, avoid wrinkles, and keep your clothes fresh
• Here's what you should do if your luggage is lost or damaged by an airline

Join the conversation about this story »

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• Tana Mongeau, who has 4.5 million YouTube subscribers, and Jake Paul, who has 19 million, appear to have just gotten engaged at Mongeau's 21st birthday party after he bought her a car worth over $124,000.
• The pair have been "dating" for about two months, but openly admitted it was to fuel the rumors and to get more views. A successful experiment, since they have both gained hundreds of thousands of subscribers in the last few weeks.
• They have both featured heavily on each other's YouTube channels — making out on camera, getting matching tattoos, and taking a pregnancy test.
• Nobody could really work out if the relationship is real or not, including many other YouTubers. When asked, Mongeau said, "I don't know, sometimes." But on Twitter, she insisted the proposal was real.
• Brand consultant Brandon Relph said they are probably just enjoying themselves for now, but "history has shown things like this don't last forever."
• Visit INSIDER's homepage for more stories.

Two of YouTube's biggest stars are currently dating. Maybe.

For the past few months, Tana Mongeau, 21, and Jake Paul, 22, have been spending a lot of time together, but nobody can work out if their relationship is real or if it's all for show. And it's all gotten even more complicated since Paul apparently proposed to Mongeau on June 24 at her 21st birthday party.

Here's a timeline of what we know about their relationship so far.

The relationship appears to have started as a joke

At the end of April, Mongeau uploaded a selfie video to her Snapchat that sent fans into a meltdown. She had just publicly split from her cheating ex-boyfriend Brad Sousa, but eagle-eyed followers realized the bed she was filming from wasn't her own. It was later posited by KEEMSTAR on his channel DramaAlert that it belonged to Logan Paul's younger brother Jake at the Team 10 House — the mansion in Calabasas which he shares with friends.

A few days later on April 30, Mongeau uploaded a video to her channel called "Mukbang In Bed With My Rebound Jake Paul." Mukbang, meaning eating on camera, and rebound, hinting that Paul and Mongeau were an item.

At the start of the video, Mongeau added a caption saying she was with her "friend" Jake, and throughout filming, the pair joke around together, flirting and calling each other "babe."

Read more: Logan Paul said he wants to 'rip the head off' the man he was filmed slapping unconscious, who now claims the video was fake

On the same day, Paul posted a video titled "meet the girl i've been hiding from you.." where he refers to himself and Mongeau in jest as "two of the internet's biggest sociopaths." He maintains throughout the video the pair are just good friends, and they both just wanted to prove that rumors spread like wildfire on YouTube. Mongeau also admitted freely they should get together just for "the clout."

But then, confusingly, they also kiss at the end.

Since then, Paul and Mongeau have been caught in a bizarre in-between relationship, where they're sort of a couple, but sort of not. They've been featured heavily on each other's channels and referred to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend, but at the same time joke about it as if it's all a big prank.

The pair are both not without controversy

Brand consultant Brandon Relph, who specializes in the influencer space, told INSIDER it makes sense that Mongeau and Paul would end up filming together because both their careers have both taken some controversial turns.

"There are YouTubers who are generally liked by most people, and I wouldn't put those two in that category," he said. "Jake has had lots of controversies himself, but so has she. And Tana has this weird way about her where she kind of gets to do what she likes and gets away with it."

Read more: Why the beauty community on YouTube is one of the most turbulent and drama-filled places on the internet

Almost exactly a year ago, Mongeau tried to put on her own convention to rival YouTube's VidCon, called TanaCon, which resulted in over-crowding, demands for refunds, and fans passing out and getting sunburned in the California sun.

Paul has faced backlash from creators and fans alike in the past for his stunts and pranks. YouTuber Shane Dawson even made an eight-part docuseries about whether or not he could be a sociopath.

"Now do I think it's fake?" said Relph. "To an extent, but maybe not all of it. I wouldn't necessarily doubt that they're attracted to each other."

Mongeau and Paul have both appeared in each other's videos

On Paul's channel, Mongeau has appeared in at least eight of his videos over the past two months, including one documenting their "first time making out on camera," one where they take a pregnancy test, and a vlog of how Mongeau's ex "wants to fight" him.

Paul has physically featured in five of Mongeau's videos, but she has openly spoken about him in various collaborations with other creators. For example, in a video with Vlog Squad member Josh Peck, he asked whether they were really together, and Mongeau replied: "I don't know, sometimes."

When talking with YouTubers Shane Dawson, Ryland Adams, and Morgan Adams, Mongeau said she never really wanted to be monogamous (she used to be in an open polyamorous relationship with Bella Thorne until they broke up in February) unless they were the "love of her life."

"And that's Jake Paul?" Ryland asked, to which Mongeau sarcastically replied, "Yeah."

Mongeau and Paul even got matching tattoos three weeks ago — reminiscent of a video Paul made with his ex-girlfriend Erika Costell.

Costell and Paul's relationship started out as seeming like it was all for clicks, said Relph, but then it developed into something real. He suspects this could be what's happening with him and Mongeau as well — they do appear to have gotten closer since the first time they filmed together a few weeks ago.

"I don't think it's strictly like a 'come round and we'll film a video for business' thing," Relph said. "I think they genuinely hang out around that. But I do feel there's an element of over-broadcasting and over-compensating for the benefit of their careers."

Both Paul and Mongeau appear to be benefitting from the relationship by gaining subscribers

It's clear that both Paul and Mongeau have seen an increase in subscribers and viewing figures since all the speculation around them started.

Mongeau has gained over 208,000 subscribers over the last month to reach 4.5 million, according to Social Blade, a site that tracks social media statistics and analytics. Paul has gained 181,000 and has a total of 19 million.

But despite their differences in subscriber counts, Relph also believes Mongeau may be more in control over how long the relationship will go on for. She was racking up several million views per video before Paul started featuring in them, whereas Paul sees a bigger spike comparatively when she makes an appearance on his channel.

"Tana has a very, very different audience to Jake's audience," Relph said. "Jake is usually the person who brings numbers to people, but I think Tana has helped Jake more than Jake's helped Tana in this case. Because Tana has shown she can ride through controversies without needing anyone, and people still watch her."

But whether it will last forever, he said, he's not sure.

"I don't think there are any business ties between them that would force them to stay together making videos if they fall out," he said. "But I think it's one of those where it's a bit of an interesting show and an interesting study to watch."

Read more: Jake Paul bought his fellow YouTuber 'girlfriend' Tana Mongeau a $124,000 Mercedes-Benz G-Wagen for her 21st birthday

Paul appeared to propose in June at Mongeau's 21st birthday. Mongeau showed off a diamond ring on social media.

At the beginning of June, Paul uploaded an episode of his new series "Team 10 Uncut," where he explained how the rumors started and revealed he and Mongeau decided to play up to it to get more views.

However, it's still true that the pair's relationship may have organically developed further since then.

It certainly looks like it, as Paul bought Mongeau a Mercedes-Benz G-Wagen for her 21st birthday. He also proposed during her celebrations — having bar staff at a night club bring over a cake with the words "Will you marry me Tana?" iced on.

She then showed off a massive diamond ring that he apparently bought her.

"JAKE JUST PROPOSED," she wrote on Twitter just seven hours ago, with several follow-up tweets insisting it wasn't a joke.

Maybe Paul wasn't ready to give up his new following just yet. Or maybe the pair genuinely have had a whirlwind romance and decided to spend the rest of their lives together.

"History has shown things like this don't last forever," said Relph. "I think they're just both enjoying themselves and having a good time ... We're very much in the height of Jana world at the moment, and it will be a few months until we realize where it's heading."

INSIDER has contacted Paul and Mongeau for some clarity on their relationship.

Join the conversation about this story »

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• Bella Thorne has publicly reacted to her ex-girlfriend Tana Mongeau's engagement to Jake Paul.
• She posted two photos on her Finstagram (an alternative Instagram account) of her crying with the caption "When ur ex gets engaged."
• Mongeau responded underneath "omg."
• The pair split in February after about a year of dating, and maintain there is no negativity between them. Thorne had even posted a photo on her Instagram earlier this week of her and Mongeau kissing, wishing her a happy birthday.
• It's still a bit of a mystery whether Paul and Mongeau are in a legitimate relationship or not, and Thorne's response could also be a joke for the publicity.
• Visit INSIDER's homepage for more stories.

Two of YouTube's most controversial figures, Tana Mongeau and Jake Paul, got engaged on Mongeau's 21st birthday on June 24. But Bella Thorne, Mongeau's ex-girlfriend, doesn't seem to be taking the news well.

On her Finstagram — and alternative Instagram account called "thatweirdbitchbella"— Thorne posted two photos of her crying with the caption "When ur ex gets engaged," followed by 35 sobbing emojis.

Mongeau, who split from Thorne in February after about a year of dating, responded to the post "omg."

Until now, the pair have always maintained there is "no negativity at all" between them, with Mongeau saying at the time she would love Thorne "forever."

Paul proposed to Mongeau at her 21st birthday party at a night club in Las Vegas. He had a cake brought over which had the words "Will you marry me, Tana?" iced on it. Mongeau also shared videos on her Instagram story of a huge engagement ring, and tweeted"JAKE JUST PROPOSED" and "i'm....... engaged.................."

Read more: YouTube stars Jake Paul and Tana Mongeau appear to be engaged, but no one can tell if their relationship is for real. Here's what we know so far.

A few hours later, Thorne uploaded a photo to her public Instagram wishing Mongeau a happy birthday of the two of them kissing.

"Through thick and thin," she wrote. "I love you tana happy bday you beautiful beautiful special girl."

Read more: Bella Thorne tearfully called out Whoopi Goldberg for criticizing her leaked nude photos: 'Blaming girls for taking the photo in the first place is sick and honestly disgusting'

Paul hasn't spoken publicly about the engagement yet, but Mongeau has been confirming the engagement news all over her social media, as has Paul's older brother Logan. 

It's still a bit of a mystery whether the pair are in a legitimate relationship or not, and Thorne's response could also be a joke for the publicity.

But even if Paul and Mongeau do get married, it wouldn't be the first time YouTubers have done such a thing for the views.

A month ago, David Dobrik flew his best friend's mother to Las Vegas so they could get married and he could call himself his step dad.

Paul also got "married" to his ex Erika Costell in 2017 for a vlog.

Join the conversation about this story »

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• It's actually the bad relationships that take the biggest toll, and are the hardest to get over.
• Breakup recovery and dating coach Cherlyn Chong told INSIDER there is a way to let go of your heartbreak, no matter how devastating, in 30 days or less.
• Firstly, you have to decide you're going to get over them. Secondly, ground yourself by finding some grass and place your bare feet on it.
• Thirdly, work out what it was you wanted from the relationship, and where your vulnerabilities are. Then, in step four, you grow 1% every day.
• The absolute worst thing you can do is try and replace the intimacy of your previous relationship by jumping straight into a new one.
• Visit INSIDER's homepage for more stories.

A breakup is heartwrenching for everyone involved, as dreams of a future together shatter forever. But confusingly, it's actually the bad relationships that take the biggest toll, and are the hardest to get over.

Breakup recovery and dating coach Cherlyn Chong told INSIDER there is a way to let go of your heartbreak, no matter how devastating, in 30 days or less. You simply have to follow four steps.

1. Decide you're going to get over them

While it sounds obvious, many people skip this step and go straight to deleting numbers, blocking on social media, and going no contact. But it's a really vital part of kickstarting the recovery process.

"Just make a decision that you're going to get over this, and you will," said Chong. "That's the first thing you have to do, not just no contact, you have to determine you're going to get over him [or her]."

Healing can't happen without this decision, she said, because your mind will be all over the place, wanting your ex back one minute, and wishing they'd disappear the next.

If you don't get into the frame of mind of moving on, "you're going to go through this cycle wishing for it to go away," she said. Rather, "the decision to get over an ex has to come first and then you figure out how to get there."

2. Find some grass, and place your bare feet on it

This is a process called "earthing." Some alternative medicine communities swear by it as a means to remove free radicals from the body, reducing oxidative stress and some of the symptoms people feel when they go through a stressful, traumatic time (like a breakup).

But unusual theories aside, looking at your feet on the ground can help mentally stabilize you, said Chong.

"Looking at your feet helps you realise your feet are still supporting you, and you're still in the moment," she said. "We use these phrases — 'the ground has fallen away from me, I don't know what to do, I'm just falling' — but looking at your feet you realize the ground hasn't fallen so you can actually move on."

It might sound strange, but it requires very little brain power, and you might find it helps calm your thoughts a bit.

"It's really easy but so powerful," Chong said.

Read more: Smart, successful women may be more likely to get 'addicted' to toxic men than others

3. Find out what you really wanted from the relationship

Every breakup is a loss, but healing can come from working out what that loss actually is.

"It's always surprising, but what I tell people is it's not about the ex, it's what the breakup means to you as a person," said Chong. "Because if it really was that great and it really was so awesome, you wouldn't be so heartbroken."

Relationships tend to build on what's already there. So if you're mentally secure, it's likely only going to grow with the person you choose to be with. But if you suffer from low confidence and always assume you're going to fail, a relationship will probably only make those anxieties worse.

For example, if the relationship was a toxic and harmful one, you may have become addicted to the highs, meaning a breakup is all the more traumatic. While if the relationship was mature and stable, it's more likely the breakup would be more amicable.

"If losing the relationship means you're losing your identity, that's why you really feel that loss," said Chong. "Because you don't know who you are any more ... And that's what you need to heal from."

She said it's important to work out what you wanted from the relationship in the first place. Was it comfort, security, or validation?

If it was comfort, it will help to seek it out from friends and family instead. If it was security, ask yourself what you have to offer, and what it is you've lost that makes you feel insecure now. If it's validation, you should tell yourself you're not always going to fail — this just wasn't the right person for you.

"The difference with people who actually move on is they know there is a huge difference between the relationship and the self," said Chong. "They separate those two. And that's why they get comfort, security, and validation in other areas of their life, and they don't need a relationship to give them that."

4. Try growing 1% every day

We are not overnight successes, Chong said, we are the sum of our habits. And by the time we reach adulthood, our good and bad habits determine who we are.

"If I just got broken up with, I'm going to reaffirm my belief in how horrible I am, because I have a habit of doing that," she said. "So again if someone has a very resigned fixed mindset after a breakup, its likely the cumulative effects and habits that occurred before the breakup ever came about — even before the relationship, they thought this about themselves."

Relationships won't bring anything new to your self worth. They emphasize what's already there. Which is why the end of a relationship can be so triggering.

"The 1% rule is basically how 1% little changes every single day results in a cumulative effect," said Chong. "You need to go from a fix mindset to a grow mindset. The fix mindset is I am not lovable, the growth mindset is I have learned so much from my relationship. It doesn't have to define me."

Think of it like a flower, she said, which grows just a little taller than the rest of the plants around it. By reaching just a little higher, it has a better chance of taking in more and more sunlight, and it's a cumulative effect.

Never try to replace your ex with someone else

There are exceptions to every rule, but generally, it's a bad idea to jump straight into another relationship after your previous one has ended.

"In love we have three things: we have intimacy, we have commitment, and we have passion," said Chong. "So when you're trying to see someone after your ex, you're trying to replace these things."

What you're going to find is just passion, she said, which is not a sufficient replacement in the long term.

"That's why it devastates you," she said. "It's too much to ask of a stranger."

Join the conversation about this story »

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• When the sun's out, so are any plans of staying indoors with your significant other.
• From kayaking to eating all the ice cream you stomach, there are plenty of summer activities that'll keep the romance alive. 

• Visit INSIDER's homepage for more stories.

The temperatures are rising and so is the chemistry with that special someone.

But if you're tired of the typical dinner dates or Netflix and chill hangouts, the summer season offers plenty of opportunities to step out of your comfort zone and do something a little more offbeat. 

Here are 16 unique date ideas that will spice up your summer. 

Hit up a rooftop movie theater

Take the classic dinner and movie combo to the next level — literally. Rooftop movie theaters are popping up all over the country, from Los Angeles to New York, and for good reason. Arrive early for happy hour, watch the sunset, and grab your seats to catch a favorite flick. 

Hitch a ride on a hot air balloon

Experience breathtaking views from a hot air balloon with your date. Take a slew of selfies to record an experience that'll leave you both riding high. 

Enter a Color Run race

Participate in the happiest 5K on the planet — the Color Run. Even if you and your date aren't the most athletically inclined, don't worry, the goal of the race isn't to be the fastest, but to have the most fun.  

Take some surf lessons together

No matter what coast you're on, there are bound to be surf lessons available. Whether you're a novice or have taken on some waves before, you and your date will have tons of fun in the water.

Try out a DIY wine-tasting

Nutritionists claim that you should have some wine every day since it contains polyphenols, which help protect the heart and brain. So run to a Trader Joe's wine section to assemble your own little wine tasting. Add a cheese board into the mix and set the mood with some candles and soft music in the background.

Hit the dance floor at a morning dance party

Getting out of bed for work is already a struggle, but getting up in the morning for a date? Now that's a different story. Morning raves like DayBreaker will help you start your day on the right foot.

Go skydiving

While definitely not for the faint heart, skydiving is an unforgettable experience — and will bring you and your SO closer. If your partner is down to jump out of a plane, then go for it. But you can also get the same experience with a skydiving simulator, which is just as thrilling. 

Check out an ice cream factory tour

If you and bae have bonded over having a sweet tooth, then an ice cream factory tour will only make that bond sweeter. Take a trip to the famous Ben & Jerry's ice cream factory, or look for something just as delicious nearby. 

Go kayaking

Sure, kayaking in some exotic locale is cool, but nothing beats kayaking in a city. Rent a kayak with your date and race one another on the water with a whole new view of the city skyline serving as your background. 

Check out an ice bar

The only way to really cool down during a heatwave is to hit up an ice bar with your date. Bundle up and sip on some cocktails for a date that really redefines happy hour.

Take a graffiti art tour

A street art tour — which you can find all over the world on sites like Viator — will give you a whole new way of seeing your hometown. In the very least, it'll make a great Instagram. 

Take a trapeze class

Defy gravity with a trapeze class that'll inspire you to join Cirque du Soleil. You'll find comfort in knowing that your date is probably whispering to themselves not to let go of you.

Go rock climbing

If your mantra is "The couple that's fit together, stays together," then try your hand at rock climbing. You can opt for an indoor facility, but if you don't want to miss out on the beautiful weather, go outside. 

Compete in a ping pong tournament

Plenty of parks have ping pong tournaments that you can sign up for. While some light competition is always fun, be careful not to transform into Monica from "Friends."

Go on a food tour

For some, the way to their heart is through their stomach. So plan a — insert favorite food here — crawl with your fellow foodie. Be it pizza or burgers, hop from one restaurant to the next and experience all of the delicious options that your city has to offer. And if you have to open a jean button or two, your date will understand. 

Show off your moves at a skate park

Who doesn't love a skater? Show off your tricks — or get taught a new thing or two — at the local park and start racing through each other's minds. 

• Read more:
• 23 creative and unconventional first date ideas
• What summer looks like in every state
• The best thing to do in every state this summer

• Though the signs of distance being created between you and your partner aren't always noticeable, there are plenty of things you should look out for. 
• Choosing to lean on someone else instead of your partner is a telltale sign that things are on their way downhill. 
• Likewise, if your talks or thoughts of the future no longer include them, it may be time to call it quits. 
• Visit INSIDER's homepage for more stories.

Being in a healthy, long-term relationship can be beneficial for everyone involved. It can create a healthy mental state, build self-esteem, and make you a more positive person. Unfortunately for some though, those feelings can begin to diminish and the fight to keep your relationship going can become harder than ever. 

Although you may not want to admit that things are falling apart in your relationship, when it gets to the point where you are having more unhappy times than happy ones, you may need to come to the realization that you and your partner are growing apart.

INSIDER asked experts for their tell-tale signs you're growing apart. 

You choose to share your news with other people instead of your partner

It's very common to run to your partner as soon as you have some important news to share. Whether it's a raise at work or devastating news about your family, there's no one other than your partner that you would typically run to first. If this has started to change, however, Rori Sassoon — relationship expert, co-owner of the upscale matchmaking agency Platinum Poireand frequent dating expert on "The Real Housewives of New York"— told INSIDER that you are most likely growing apart from one another. 

"One red flag that you are growing apart is when something good (or bad) happens to you, and you don't want to tell your partner first," she said. "You have other people you would rather share with first and they are no longer your closest person."

You no longer want to spend free time with your partner

Dreams of a vacation or getting to leave work early usually mean that you are on your way to spending some extra time with your spouse. Though some of those times you may choose to go on a trip with friends or even take some well-needed time for yourself, if you have no desire to spend any of your free time with your partner, it may be time to call it quits. 

"You'll know that you're growing apart when you have an opportunity to take a vacation or you get some extra free time off from work and your S.O. is not the person that you want to spend your time with," Sassoon said. "Your partner should be the person you want to relax and vacay with — not the person that you need a vacation from."

Thoughts of spending life with them are not as strong as they were before

Making the choice to be with someone is usually because you see a future with them. And in most cases, it's something that is lifelong. When you start to think of your future and your partner no longer has a place in it though, you may be growing apart. 

"Another huge sign that you are growing apart is when you think of investing in your future and you are uncomfortable moving forward with your partner. Especially when it comes to long-term goals," she said. "An example of this is if you know you may want another baby or to invest in a home, but don't see yourself doing it with them."

There is no physical touch between the two of you

Intimacy with your partner is not all about sex. Sometimes it means just being able to lay together, rub one another's back or feet, or even just holding hands. According to psychotherapist and founder of Trillium Counseling Devon Jorge, MSW, RSW though, once it's gotten to the point that this has stopped, your relationship may be at its end. 

"If we start to find holding our partner's hand, pecks on the lips, hugging, having our partner see us naked, or sleeping in the same bed make us uncomfortable, these are all signs that there is an unspoken distance in the relationship," she said. "These rather simple and yet intimate actions make us feel awkward or feel weird and foreign and could mean that you need to take a deeper look at your relationship."

You've given up on having those 'hard' talks

At any stage of a relationship,building up the courage to have difficult conversations with your partner can be a task. Though it may be hard to accomplish, the important thing is that it gets done and usually, your relationship benefits from it. If you've gotten to the point where you've found having those "hard" talks pointless, Jorge said that it is probably because the space between you and your partner is growing. 

"Avoiding difficult relationship issue altogether or having them become explosive to the point you can't talk about them anymore should be a red flag in any relationship," she told INSIDER. "Either way, if the difficult issue goes unaddressed, it essentially creates a sore spot of resentment in the relationship that continues to create more frustration and exhaustion. This can add fire to other fights or again cause withdrawing from talking to our partner all together creating opportunities to distance yourself. Successful couples don't avoid the hard discussions and they don't fight their way through them either. They talk about them in a way that creates closeness."

Likewise, you've stopped having discussions in general 

Avoiding the hard talks may not be enough to prove that you are growing apart from your partner, but the elimination of the easy and simple conversations should be. 

"While this first one is the most obvious one, it's also the most important," Jorge revealed. "When we say "stop talking," we don't just mean that all communication has completely ended — which is also a sign. We are also concerned that partners become so disconnected from one another that they almost don't know one another anymore. These couples are not aware of what stresses or worries their partner currently has, of their goals or dreams or about what their partner is most excited about. They start to lose touch with who their partner is and what's going on in their life."

There's a sense of loneliness even when the two of you are together

When spending time with your partner, it's supposed to feel as if time stands still. That no matter how long you watch a show, how hard you laugh, or how much you eat, time doesn't even exist. Even if you're just sitting in silence, it still feels as if you're joined at the hip. If your relationship has gotten to the point that all you feel is loneliness — even if you've been with your partner all day — there may be distance between you two. 

"It can be very painful for partners when they feel alone — even when they are with their partner," Jorge said. "When it starts to feel like your partner is more interested in their phone or the T.V. over you, this is a significant indicator that you are feeling lonely in this relationship and is a sign of growing apart."

There's a lack of eye contact

It may sound a little extreme to some, but according to Three Day Rule's Chicago office professional matchmaker Yvette Walton, if you're lacking eye contact with your partner, there may be trouble in your former paradise.

"Women have told me that when a relationship is becoming distant, eye contact decreases a lot," she told INSIDER. "When we build relationships, we look at each other, we listen, and we read each other's body language. In contrast, the exact opposite happens when we are growing apart. Maybe you notice they are on their phone a lot more, or they are more focused on the TV than you, or —  quite simply — they avoid eye contact. This could be a symptom of having a bad day and needing some 'me time' to relax, but if you notice this happening over a prolonged period of time, it could indicate the relationship is becoming distant."

Your interests have significantly changed

In relationships, many people share similar interests with their partner. Whether it be personal or professional, there is something that they share that keeps them together and pushing forward in the relationship. Once that's started to change though, it may be hard to stay connected to your partner. 

"Relationships that I have observed often start to drift apart when individual life goals change," Walton said to INSIDER. "One person may be focused on their career, travel, or education while the other person may be happy and content with life just as it is. It's very common and natural for our life goals to change through the years. When working with my clients, I like to describe a relationship as two cars side by side on the open road. When they work together and stay in parallel to each other, yes, they may feel bumps in the road, but they will also enjoy the sights, and experience the journey together. When one person decides to take a different route and stop working in parallel, however, the distance between them will grow quickly."

You find any and every little reason to start an argument 

It doesn't matter how long you and your partner have been together, there will be moments where arguments happen.  But when you've gotten to the point where you're arguing for essentially no reason, however, you may need to consider whether or not your relationship is meant to be. 

"Both men and women have told me that when they are growing apart from their partner, they argue with them about anything," said Walton. "the tiniest things that you wouldn't usually care about, all of sudden become so important. This might be your subconscious trying to make it easier for you down the line if you do decide to go your separate ways (we all know it's a lot easier to break up with someone who is mean to us). Either way, arguments, friction, and unhealthy tension may all indicate that the relationship is growing apart. Managing conflict in a healthy way is a perfectly normal part of every relationship, it is just important to differentiate from conflict you are willing to work through vs. a sign that things might not be the right fit." 

Join the conversation about this story »

NOW WATCH: Jay-Z is hip-hop's first billionaire. See how he and Beyoncé make and spend their money.

• Subscribers of YouTube couples enjoy watching them get together and break up.
• It's partly because fans really feel involved in the lives of their favourite stars, but it's also because YouTube is like a reality TV channel.
• Some breakup videos are authentic, like that of Liza Koshy and David Dobrik, but other stars play into the fact their viewers want to be entertained.
• With Tana Mongeau and Jake Paul, nobody knows if their relationship is real or not, and it reached new levels of absurdity with their recent engagement.
• But there's only a certain level of drama viewers tolerate before they get bored.
• "YouTubers in it for the celebrity with nothing of more substantive value to offer are forced to go more extreme and more ridiculous," said media psychologist Pamela Rutledge. "At a certain point, the audience will move on to the next spectacle."
• Visit INSIDER's homepage for more stories.

A superstar YouTube couple sent ripples through the platform when they announced they were breaking up in June 2018.

Liza Koshy and David Dobrik are two of the platform's most loved creators, and appeared in many of each other's vlogs during their relationship. They posted a video on Dobrik's channel, titled "we broke up," which has now been watched over 54 million times.

They explained in the video they had grown apart from living such separate lives in recent months, but were still best friends.

Read more: Why the beauty community on YouTube is one of the most turbulent and drama-filled places on the internet

"One of us is going through some stuff," Koshy explained. "Things like 'only time can heal,' or 'you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else' kind of stuff. I didn't know those were real — they're real."

Sharing these intimate moments of their lives with the audience has long been an integral part of the viewer-YouTuber relationship. Other famous couples on the platform like Shane Dawson and Lisa Schwartz and Jake Paul and Alissa Violet all posted videos about their breakups — albeit separately — when they happened.

As Patricia Hernandez wrote in an article for The Verge, couples on YouTube exist in a strange space where their breakups are information the audience feel they're entitled to.

"While most of us can simply stop tagging an ex on our social media accounts, YouTubers with channels revolving around their lives don't have that luxury," she wrote. "Their entire livelihoods could be at risk if they disappoint or upset the audience following them. As ridiculous as it might sound, there's a real need for disclosure regarding where they stand with those regularly featured in their videos."

YouTubers have extremely loyal fanbases. The sheer amount of content they post about their lives means viewers often feel like they truly know their favourite stars.

Media psychologist Pamela Rutledge calls this a parasocial relationship, which is a sense of authenticity gained through speaking directly to the audience.

"This experience is amplified in social media where influencers respond to some comments and fans, increasing the illusion of friendship," she told INSIDER.

With Koshy and Dobrik, their fans shared some of their heartbreak. Despite being broken up for six months, it was clear in the video the wound was still raw and the pair still deeply cared for one another. They cracked jokes and laughed in between moments of being truly sad and sincere.

Both in real time, and in editing, they made sure the 8-minute video was authentic and entertaining for the audience.

Read more: We talked to YouTubers about why they keep making videos about their breakups — and a relationship expert who says it may not be a great idea

Rutledge said humans are, by nature, interested in what others are doing. And the age of social media means we are inundated by social information which has little relevance to our daily lives, so as we perceive it as entertainment.

"We are also highly responsive to indications of emotion, affiliation, belonging and social connection because these are core needs," she said. "Online, YouTuber relationships are the soundbite, reality show versions of the Hallmark Channel."

It's probably fair to say many people watch breakup videos in the hope of seeing some drama. And the YouTubers who primarily consider themselves entertainers are happy to play into that.

While Dobrik and Koshy focused on authenticity, other relationships on the platform have become more and more for the show. For instance, the recent engagement of two of the platform's most contentious figures — Tana Mongeau and Jake Paul.

Over the past two months, Mongeau and Paul have made videos together with increasing absurdity. It started with a joke about Paul being Mongeau's rebound, but then they decided to double down on the rumor they were dating by making out on camera and getting matching tattoos. The whole ordeal has since peaked with Paul proposing to Mongeau at her 21st birthday party.

"They capture people's attention because there is an inherent mystery — not in the relationship but in whether or not it's real," said Rutledge. "This is a gimmick with a one time ticket. It is unusual, so people watch."

For some creators, they can't help but make every aspect of their lives visible, because of the questions they'd receive if their boyfriend or girlfriend is suddenly absent from their uploads. For others, it seems the getting together, breaking up, and beyond is a lucrative way of maintaining their cash flow.

Read more: Meet Tana Mongeau, who ran a YouTube convention that turned into a 'Fyre Festival disaster' and may now be engaged to Jake Paul

The bizarre partnership, however unbelievable, gains views from both fans who are in support and those who are appalled by it in equal measure.

But subscribers are only interested for so long, which was a fate suffered by teenage YouTuber Danielle Cohn. Her most popular videos center around her and her equally young boyfriend, like "OUR FIRST TIME!", "Breaking Up With My Boyfriend On Valentines Day **HE GOT SAD**", and "We Got Married..."

All of the above were simply clickbait, but racked up millions of views. Cohn's content still makes hundreds of thousands of people click, but that's a fraction of the views she was getting when her drama was at its highest.

"YouTubers in it for the celebrity with nothing of more substantive value to offer are forced to go more extreme and more ridiculous," said Rutledge. "At a certain point, the audience will move on to the next spectacle."

Join the conversation about this story »

NOW WATCH: Jay-Z is hip-hop's first billionaire. See how he and Beyoncé make and spend their money.

• Young adults who felt more connected at home and school as teens are less likely to experience mental health problems and risks, according to a new study.
• Research shows that having a strong network can shape our behavior and career success, boosting happiness and health.
• Relationships are important to foster, as more millennials are experiencing depression and "deaths of despair."
• Visit Business Insider's homepage for more stories.

Friendship can save lives.

Young adults who felt more connected — defined as engaged, supported, and cared for — at home and school during their teen years are 66% less likely to experience mental health problems and risks, reported HealthDay News, citing a CDC study published by the journal Pediatrics.

That includes a 65% lower lifetime risk of misusing illegal drugs, including prescription drugs; a 54% lower risk of being diagnosed with an STD; and a 51% lower risk of being a victim of physical violence in the past year, according to the study.

"What happens in middle and high school doesn't stay in middle and high school," researcher Kathleen Ethier, director of the Division of Adolescent and School Health at the CDC, said in a press release. "What we experience as adolescents can set us up for success — including avoiding serious health risks like drug use and STDs."

Read more: 'Deaths of despair' are taking more lives of millennial Americans than any other generation

Research backs up the health benefits of having strong relationships. A network of relationships affects your success — it can lead to new jobs and boost happiness, health, and ideas, Business Insider's Drake Baer previously reported. 

That may explain why successful people have so many groups of friends— University of Chicago professor Ron Burt found that your network fosters a flow of ideas and opportunities. But connections don't just help us get a job or shape our ideas — they also shape our behavior.

Fostering these relationships is more important than ever in a time when depression and "deaths of despair"— deaths related to drugs, alcohol, and suicide — are both on the rise among millennials.

SEE ALSO: Depression is on the rise among millennials, but 20% of them aren't seeking treatment — and it's likely because they can't afford it

DON'T MISS: 2019 is the final class of millennial college graduates. Next stop: The Great American Affordability Crisis.

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• It's normal for relationships to have some degree of conflict.
• But psychological research has found there are specific behaviors that weaken a partnership over time.
• Below, find 11 of the most common — and what to do instead.
• Visit Business Insider's homepage for more stories.

Every romantic relationship goes through ups and downs. Even if you just had a massive fight about who stained the living-room couch with coffee (we know: It wasn't you), it's not the end of the world.

However, certain behavior patterns can weaken a partnership over time, leaving one or both people wanting out.

Psychological literature is rife with examples of such behaviors, including avoiding new experiences, not being honest about finances, and even texting too often.

Note: If you recognize one or more of these patterns in your relationship, that doesn't necessarily mean you're headed for a breakup. Use this opportunity to take a step back, take a deep breath, and see what you can do to work it out.

Here are 11 ways a romantic relationship could be ruined for good.

SEE ALSO: A marriage therapist says there are 4 good reasons to leave a relationship — and a really bad one

Distancing yourself from your partner

A 2016 study, published in the journal Couple and Family Psychology: Research and Practice, found there's a deadly combination of characteristics that predict relationship dissatisfaction: sensitivity to rejection and the tendency to cut your partner off emotionally.

People who are really worried about getting hurt might distance themselves from their partners, which ends up making the relationship less satisfying in the long run. In other words, they effectively create what they fear.

If this sounds like you, try telling your partner about your fears. You might be surprised to learn that they share some of those concerns, and you can work through them together.

Closing yourself off to new experiences

A growing body of research suggests that couples who try new things together are happier in their relationship.

The inverse might be true, too: Writing in Psychology Today, clinical psychologist Lisa Firestone says when you stop being open to developing shared new interests, it can hurt the relationship and create resentment between partners.

So take up your partner's offer to try a new restaurant or go hiking instead of spending Saturday at the movies — at least once in a while.

Hiding your finances

In one 2018 poll for the National Endowment for Financial Education, 44% of adults said they've lied to their partner about money (financial infidelity), which can lead to fights, distrust, and in some cases divorce.

The problem is that money isn't just about numbers — it can symbolize power and love. So insecurity about what your partner's doing with his or her money means insecurity about the relationship in general.

Before you decide to combine (or even partially combine) finances with your partner, it helps to have a conversation about budgeting and your financial histories, and to come up with guidelines for making big individual purchases.

Giving your partner the silent treatment

A 2014 study, published in the journal Communication Monographs, suggests that couples engaged in "demand/withdraw" patterns — i.e. one partner pressuring the other and receiving silence in return — are less happy in their relationships.

The lead study author, Paul Schrodt at Texas Christian University, says it's a hard pattern to break because each partner thinks the other is the cause of the problem. It requires seeing how your individual behaviors are contributing to the issue and using different, more respectful conflict-management strategies.

Forming a "fantasy bond"

Psychologist Robert Firestone coined the term "fantasy bond," which describes the illusion of connection with your partner.

You replace genuine feelings of love and passion with the idea of being a couple, or a unit. Emotional closeness is often replaced by adherence to routines.

The real danger, according to Firestone's daughter, Lisa Firestone, is that you start to lose your individuality in your attempt to find safety in the relationship.

If you feel like you've entered into a fantasy bond, Robert Firestone says it helps to explore your fears of individuation and separation from your partner and work toward developing a more honest communication style.

Hashing out tough topics via text

A 2013 study, published in the Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy, found that while women tend to be happier in relationships the more texts they send, men are less happy.

The lead study author, Lori Cluff Schade, told NPR that for men, texting may be a way to withdraw from the relationship.

In some situations, texting may not be the best alternative for either partner. The study author advises couples to consider moving conversations offline. She told NPR: "You may need ways to say, 'This is getting too heated for me. I need to talk with you later about this in person.'"

"Kitchen thinking"

That's a term for when you and your partner are fighting and you remember something else hurtful they did, even if it's not directly related to the conflict at hand.

Psychologist Douglas LaBier shares an example in Psychology Today: You're arguing about your summer-vacation plans and suddenly you start talking about that ugly chair your partner purchased the other day.

A 2016 study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that people who reported kitchen thinking also reported having more frequent and intense conflict and feeling worse about their relationship.

The study didn't establish that kitchen thinking caused more conflict; it could be the other way around. Either way, watching a mental parade of your partner's flaws and transgressions probably isn't so productive.

Showing contempt for your partner

As Business Insider's Erin Brodwin has reported, couples who display contempt are more likely to split up.

According to relationship expert John Gottman, contempt — a mix of anger and disgust that involves seeing your partner as beneath you — is the No. 1 predictor of divorce. That's because it becomes harder to see things from your partner's perspective.

The first step to resolving the problem is cultivating appreciation and respect from both partners, and finding a more positive way to express your feelings.

Speaking negatively about your partner to others

A 2017 study of heterosexual married couples, published in the Journal of Family Psychology, found that "social sabotage" is one form of aggression that can hurt a relationship.

As psychologist Susan Krauss Whitbourne writes in Psychology Today, social sabotage involves behaviors such as going behind your partner's back and sharing private information, as well as trying to embarrass your partner in public.

Interestingly, though women in the study were more likely to be guilty of social sabotage, men's use of social sabotage was more damaging to the relationship.

Krauss Whitbourne writes: "Instead of creating the toxic environment caused by going outside the marriage for support, the authors recommend that couples address their problems directly or seek professional help."

Breaking up for the wrong reasons

According to marriage therapist (and Courtney Love's mom) Linda Carroll, breaking up with someone takes a lot of emotional and mental energy. Often, deciding whether to break up can be the hardest part. 

But breaking up with someone because they're not exciting anymore is not a legitimate reason, says Carroll. Just because they're ordinary doesn't mean being with them is a waste of time. All relationships, in the long term, settle down into a comparatively dull phase after the "honeymoon phase." But, Carroll says, only you know whether a breakup is right for you.

"You know, for your own reasons, that you really are done," Carroll said on the Art of Charm podcast. "It's probably less to do with the other person than with you." 

You buy into "happily ever after"

Life isn't anything like "Cinderella," and there is no such thing as a Prince Charming. Yes, marriage is about being in love, but it's also about hard work, writes Ellen McCarthy in her 2015 book, "The Real Thing: Lessons on Love and Life from a Wedding Reporter's Notebook."

McCarthy writes: "The collective wisdom seems to be: 'Sometimes you will be miserable. This is the reality of long-term intimacy. Carry on.'"

She also found that, according to research by relationship expert and author Iris Krasnow, one group of women tended to be satisfied in their marriages: the ones that never believed in the idea of "happily ever after."

• Money-related issues are frequently cited as a reason for divorce.
• We asked experts to name the biggest money-related reasons couples get divorced.
• They include mismatched financial priorities, unexpected major expenses, and discovering a partner's secret spending.
• Visit Business Insider's homepage for more stories.

Money is the No. 1 thing couples argue about.

So it's no surprise that money-related conflicts are frequently cited as a reason for divorce.

There's a good reason for this: Money and stress very often go hand in hand, whether it's because of an overextended budget, an unexpected financial emergency, or even the discovery of your spouse's secret credit card. And financial issues don't discriminate — they can unravel marriages between wealthy couples and couples in major debt alike.

We reached out to a range of experts, from matchmakers to financial planners, to find which money-related matters are most frequently causes for divorce.

Here are the financial issues that are tearing couples apart.

SEE ALSO: 9 signs your spouse is spending more money than you think

DON'T MISS: 10 questions to ask your travel agent to save you money on your vacation

Opposing attitudes toward money

It's important to talk about your financial situation before getting married, but few couples actually take the time to really understand each other's views on spending and saving.

"Unfortunately, this can cause frivolous fights between two people who have completely opposite views toward money,"Andrea Woroch, a personal finance writer, told Business Insider.

"If one partner spends without thought and the other frantically saves every penny, there's bound to be tension. The spender may feel that his or her partner is constantly nagging and cheap, while the saver may feel vulnerable to the effects of overindulging."

Mismatched financial priorities

It's important to identify financial priorities before getting married, as it can become a point of contention if the partners aren't on the same page.

"If you don't identify major shared goals — like buying a home or traveling to an exotic new place — it can create problems down the line, since you won't be working simultaneously to save toward the same goals," Woroch said. 

Credit card debt

"A friend of mine had a spouse who racked up about $100,000 in credit debt and got a home equity loan on top of that,"Becca Hoeft, chief brand officer of Sunrise Banks, told Business Insider.

"The spouse worked overtime for years to pay down the debt, only to have his mate rack up another $100,000. Severe credit card debt is a sure fire way to inadvertently schedule divorce proceedings."

Financial infidelity

Just like the sexual kind, financial infidelity can have devastating consequences on trust and honesty — the cornerstones of any marriage, Woroch said.

Examples of financial infidelity include secret bank accounts, undisclosed debt, hidden purchases, or gambling addictions.

"Financial infidelity may occur after years of built-up financial tension in a marriage or as a result of poor communication and different dreams," Woroch said. "In other times, it could come from a deep-rooted emotional issue that needs to be addressed. Seeking marital counseling may help couples overcome these issues as long as both partners are willing to work on it."

Overextending their budgets

When two people get married and combine incomes, they may feel financially powerful, but then make a series of poor purchasing and spending decisions that put them into debt, regardless of how much money they're making.

This can put a serious strain on a relationship.

"In fact, people who make six figures are often in debt because they tend to spend more of what they make," Woroch said. "The biggest example is buying too much house. If most of your monthly income is going toward affording your dream home, then you have little flexibility to enjoy other activities or outings that you and your partner enjoyed doing together, like traveling."

Woroch suggests that whether you're taking on a mortgage or renting a home, aim to spend no more than 25% of your combined take-home pay on this monthly expense.

"This gives you more flexibility in your lifestyle and alleviates the financial tension with your spouse," she said.

Inability to compromise on spending

Although it may be impossible to ever get on the exact same page, learning how to make compromises is key to keeping a healthy and happy marriage.

Not recognizing this is the downfall of many couples, Woroch said.

"For instance, maybe you don't want to spend money on going out to eat all the time as your partner would want, but giving some room in your budget for the occasional date night can make both of you happy," she said.

Major impulse buys

Whether you're in a comfortable financial situation or in a dire one, most couples would agree that major buys should be done as a couple.

"When someone comes home with a new car that you didn't need or want, for example, and leaves their spouse out of large financial decisions, that's a quick recipe to kill a marriage," Hoeft said.

Stress from combining bank accounts

Remember, you do not have to combine your assets in a marriage — it's a choice. Sometimes it's a good choice, and other times it's not.

"Depending on your circumstances, there may be significant tax and financial advantages to maintaining separate accountants,"Calvin Harris Jr., chief financial officer at Baltimore City Community College, told Business Insider.

"Personally, I'm a fan of three bank accounts: one for you, one for me, and one for us. Big arguments have occurred when one spouse spends too much money in the combined accounts. By having three accounts, you can minimize those types of conflicts."

Unexpected major expenses

Another cause of divorce is stress and disagreements over major unexpected expenses. 

These could include caring for an elderly relative, medical emergencies, major home repairs, or unplanned travel. It could also include child-related expenses that weren't agreed on by both parties.

"If there's not an agreement on schooling — private versus public, for example — or whether you will be hiring an expensive nanny to help, these financial stresses can easily lead to divorce,"Bonnie Winston, matchmaker and relationship expert, told Business Insider.

Spending too much on the wedding

You may deserve a great wedding, but you also deserve a great married financial life after the wedding.

"If you both choose to spend so much on the wedding that you can't afford the home you want afterwards — and you are both willing to live with that decision — then fine. But you have to go into the situation with your eyes open to avoid serious conflict after the wedding," Harris said. 

Not having pre-marriage financial counseling

When couples plan for their wedding, many couples have pre-marriage counseling from a religious leader.

"Couples should also talk to someone for pre-marriage financial counseling," Harris said.

Specifically, he recommended that before getting married, you meet with a qualified certified public accountant, tax attorney, or licensed financial advisor.

"Your goal is to have an impartial person advise you both on how to have a successful financial marriage," he said.

Loss of financial control

Issues of financial control can surface in a couple of ways, Leslie Thompson, managing principal atSpectrum Management Group, told Business Insider.

The most common, she said, is when a woman is made to feel marginalized because of her perceived lack of contribution or influence in building family wealth.

"I often see this in higher net-worth situations, because women tend to focus their work efforts on family and promoting the career of their spouse," Thompson said. "When the spouse has 'made it' mid-to-late career, and more than likely the children are grown, conflict over what is mine versus ours is prevalent, and often prevalent throughout the entire marriage."

• Millionaire dates are straight out of the pages of a storybook.
• As part of Business Insider's month-long "Dating Like a Millionaire" series, six millionaire matchmakers shared the details of the most lavish dates their clients have gone on.
• Turns out, millionaires love to take their dates out of the country — especially via private jet or yacht.
• Visit Business Insider's homepage for more stories.

Meeting for drinks is a standard first date, but millionaires might take a yacht to get to the restaurant or order a cocktail with a side of Eiffel Tower views. 

For Business Insider's month-long series, "Dating Like a Millionaire," I talked to six matchmakers around the world who play cupid for high-net-worth individuals — from royals and celebrities to entrepreneurs and CEOs — in the hopes of getting a glimpse into the dating world of the elite.

The six matchmakers I spoke to are based mainly in New York City, London, Los Angeles, and San Francisco. They work with clients locally and globally who have a net worth ranging from the low millions into the billions. The matchmakers were quick to dish on some of the most lavish dates their clients had been on. While some millionaires prefer to keep things casual and low-key, others pull out all the stops to impress a date. 

Patti Stanger of Los Angeles-based Millionaire's Club told Business Insider she's seen it all, from Kentucky Derby dates to nights under the stars and trips to other countries. Then there's what she calls "Princess Diaries dates"— when millionaires transform the romance of Hollywood movies and fairy tale dreams from fantasy into reality.

Below, some of the most lavish dates the elite matchmakers I spoke to have seen throughout their careers. Spoiler: They involve lots of planes and exotic destinations.

• A private jet trip to pick up a date in the UK for a dinner and weekend stay at the Ritz in Paris — Janis and Carly Spindel, Janis Spindel Serious Matchmaking Inc. 
• A charity event where the date met Prince William and Kate Middleton — Patti Stanger, Millionaire's Club
• Flying a date in from Minnesota to attend the Met Opera in NYC and explore the city for the weekend ($5,000) — April Davis, Luma Search
• A yacht trip to Dubai — Mairead Molloy, Berkeley International
• Dates to awards shows, from the Academy Awards to the Grammy Awards — Patti Stanger, Millionaire's Club
• A private jet trip to Paris with a suite at the Ritz, where a diamond necklace, on-loan earrings from Graff, and a red Valentino gown were waiting on the bed; followed by a private dinner on a chartered cruise up the Seine River — Amy Anderson, Linx Dating
• Chartering a private plane complete with live musicians on board for a full evening of dinner and dancing in Miami ($817,410) — Mairead Molloy, Berkeley International
• A two-week long Fiji vacation — Patti Stanger, Millionaire's Club

But it's not all fun and games — and jets, and yachts, and stays at the Ritz — when you're a millionaire looking for love. Money may buy fairy tale dates, but it can also pose problems for both millionaires and their matches.

The matchmakers noted that resentment can set in if one party pays all the time and that money can breed a sense of entitlement, making clients super-picky. They also have to consider whether people are dating them just for their money.

SEE ALSO: Inside the jet-set world of billionaire matchmaking — where dates happen on private planes and high-end clients pay up to £100,000 to find love

NOW READ: A honeymoon planner for billionaires says he's built a private beach, booked first-class flights for birds, and sourced 16 types of condoms

Join the conversation about this story »

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• Flirting is important for couples as well as for singles.
• Business Insider rounded up some of the most fascinating findings about flirting, according to social scientists.
• Most people don't like traditional pick-up lines, and men tend to overestimate how interested women are.
• Visit Business Insider's homepage for more stories.

What could be more terrifying than talking to someone you're attracted to?

Luckily, social science has figured out what makes flirting work — or not.

Read more:12 science-backed facts about cheating that all couples should know

Business Insider found some of the most intriguing facts on the art of flirtation, so you can saunter over to the object of your affection with confidence.

This is an update of an article originally posted by Drake Baer.

SEE ALSO: 15 relationship facts everybody should know before getting married

People flirt for six different reasons.

In a 2004 review of the literature on flirting, Northern Illinois University professor David Dryden Henningsen identified six different motivations for the behavior: 

• Sex: trying to get in bed
• Fun: treating it like a sport
• Exploring: trying to see what it would be like to be in a relationship
• Relational: trying to increase the intimacy of a relationship
• Esteem: increasing one's own self esteem
• Instrumental: trying to get something from the other person

In that study, Henningsen asked 101 female and 99 male students to write out a hypothetical flirty conversation between a man and a woman, then identify the motivations for the things they said. 

The behaviors broke down along gender norms: Men were significantly more likely to have a sexual motivation, while women tended to have a relational one.

Couples need to flirt, too.

Like Tinder, cats, and dying alone, flirting is usually associated with single people.

But couples need to know how to flirt, too.

After studying 164 married people for a 2012 study, University of Kentucky researcher Brandi Frisby noted that most of them flirted — by playing "footsies" or whispering in their partner's ear, for example — as a means of maintaining and emphasizing intimacy. Oftentimes, she wrote in her paper, married couples flirted to "create a private world with the spouse." 

People feel connected when they get past the small talk.

You probably already know that asking questions of the person you fancy is a good idea. 

But it's all about the kind of questions you ask. 

According to a widely cited 1997 study by State University of New York psychologist Arthur Aron, people feel more closely bonded when they ask each other intimate questions, as in "What roles do love and affection play in your life?" and "What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?" 

Six months later, two of the participants (a tiny fraction of the original study group) even found themselves in love — an intriguing result, though not a significant one.

Men overestimate how interested women are.

Evidence from multiplestudies supports the idea that, among heterosexual people, men tend to over perceive sexual interest from women, while women tend to under perceive sexual interest from men.

A 2014 study published in the journal Evolutionary Psychology surveyed hundreds of undergraduate students from Norway, which according to the UN is one of the world's most "gender egalitarian nations."

Researchers found more women had been subject to instances where men overperceive sexual interest from them than men. Young, single, and sexuality-fluid participants also experienced being over-sexualized more often.

The most attractive characteristics depend on gender.

According to a 2011 study led by University of British Columbia psychologist Jessica Tracy, heterosexual men and women diverge greatly in the facial expressions they fancy.

After showing 1,041 people images of different facial expressions, Tracy found that:

• Happiness was the most attractive female expression, but one of the least attractive for men.
• Pride was the most attractive male expression, but one of the least attractive for women.
• Interestingly, an expression of shame was relatively attractive on both men and women.

Flirting can enhance your attraction.

University of New Mexico evolutionary psychologist Steven W. Gangestad told Psychology Today in 2016 that flirting is a "negotiation process" that happens after the first moments of attraction.  

It's a subtle sort of testing the waters. You don't just say "I'm attracted to you; are you attracted to me?"

"It works much better to reveal [your attraction] and have it revealed to you in smaller doses,"Gangestad says. "The flirting then becomes something that enhances the attraction."

It's not about being the most attractive person in the room.

It's about signaling that you're available. 

According to research from Webster University psychologist Monica Moore (who studied people's flirting behavior at singles bars, shopping malls, and other places where young people meet), women who smiled and made eye contact with others were more likely to be approached than those who were simply good looking.

There may be five main styles of flirting.

When it comes to flirting, everyone's got a different M.O.

In 2010, Jeffrey A. Hall and Chong Xing published research that suggests there are five different styles of flirting. In 2015, they followed up on this research by breaking down each style into a series of verbal and nonverbal behaviors.

Here are some key behaviors of each type, as described by Susan Krauss Whitbourne on Psychology Today:

• Physical flirts tend to subtly touch the person they're interested in.
• Traditional flirts believe men should make the first move.
• Sincere flirts get other people to open up to them.
• Playful flirts see the interaction as a game and may be using the flirtation as a means to another end.

You can take a quiz, developed by Hall to figure out which style best describes you.

The best flirters shift their strategy depending on context.

If you're flirting with someone perceived as higher status than you, being more subtle will lead to more success, according to research. 

A 2014 study conducted by University of Pennsylvania professors found flirters who can adjust how overtly they flirt will have the best success. "Presence of rivals, the potential for an advance to be considered inappropriate, or the higher social status of the receiver" are all situations where you're better off being more subtle. 

If successful, flirting can lead others to think you are also funny or creative, as well as attractive.

If you're flirting on an app, there are some words that work better than others.

Compliments over text go a long way, dating website Plenty of Fish finds.

The website analyzed 60,000 messages on dating apps to find the words that got the best responses. For men, calling a woman "beautiful" led to a conversation 20% of the time. Women messaging men first receive responses less often, but using the word "nice" works best.

Flirting could be all about biology.

Flirting may have less to do with words or body language, and more to do with biology.

Scientists have long speculated on how pheromones, or chemicals released by your body that have an impact on people around you, contribute to physical attraction. A 2011 study out of Florida State University found men who were exposed to pheromones released by ovulating women were more likely to drink alcohol and flirt with women.

• Therapy is one of the best ways to help you through a tough time, because vocalizing your thoughts helps you to stop ruminating and finding yourself in a negative spiral.
• But sometimes you may find a therapist who isn't a good fit for you.
• For instance, taking about your feelings in a traditional therapy session might not work for you. Or your therapist may have way too many clients to focus on you sufficiently.
• Breakup recovery coach Cherlyn Chong and doctor of psychology Perpetua Neo told INSIDER some of the signs you should look for a new therapist.
• Finding someone who is a good fit for you is just as important as the work you'll be doing, so it's best to understand how they work early on so you can make an informed decision.
• Visit INSIDER's homepage for more stories.

Therapy is one of the best tools at your disposal to get through trauma. Allowing thoughts to rush around in your head without vocalizing them can lead us to obsess and find ourselves in a negative spiral, so it's nearly always better to speak about what you're feeling out loud than to ruminate.

But it's not as simple as finding the first therapist near you, talking at them, and hoping for the best. In fact, your therapist may not be a good fit for you, and therefore won't be as helpful as they could be, according to breakup recovery and dating coach Cherlyn Chong.

"It's not that therapy doesn't work, it's just that they don't get the results from therapy," Chong told INSIDER. "One client had a CBT therapist for one whole year, and she got nothing done. And within two weeks of working with me she got so much done, she fired them."

There are a few reasons that therapy may not work for you. Here are six that could be red flags that mean you should stop seeing yours.

1. They're a jack of all trades, but a master of none

Many therapists aren't all that focused, Chong said. They go in so many different directions, covering everything and everyone from your work, to your relationships, to your upbringing. While this can be useful for discovering past traumas, it's not so efficient if you've gone in for one specific problem.

"They don't specialize on that one field, and if you're a jack of all trades you tend to be a master of none," Chong said. "If you're talking to everyone you're talking to no-one. That's why you have to specialize on one thing."

If you're seeking therapy to get a wider insight into your own thoughts, then a general approach is a good one. But if you're struggling after a trauma, or you can't get your head around why you're always unlucky in love, a more specialized therapy program is probably a better option.

2. The sessions are time-based, not results based

Many people in therapy have weekly slots, with a session of about an hour or less. The problem with this, Chong said, is that the problem can be drawn out.

"Trauma doesn't fit into a once a week sort of thing," she said. "People need additional support. It's not very flexible."

Read more: Smart, successful women may be more likely to get 'addicted' to toxic men than others

She said when the hour is up, therapists leave their clients to their own devices, which can be irresponsible. The client may think: "What am I supposed to do all week with all these thoughts?"

In a way, the hour in the therapist's office is like putting a band-aid over a wound. But that wound is still festering underneath.

"The problem never really gets solved, because they are session-based not result-based," said Chong. "And the patient thinks because they feel okay afterwards, their problem has been solved. But there is deeply rooted trauma lying underneath the band-aid."

So if you're struggling through something that needs longer than one hour bursts, go for a therapist who you can call whenever you're having a tough time, she said.

3. You're not integrating what you learn into daily life

Another issue with ad-hoc sessions is the drawn-out nature of the therapy can mean it's harder to integrate what you learn into daily life.

Doctor of psychology Perpetua Neo, who works as a therapist for high-achieving women, told INSIDER that it can be damaging if you haven't gotten to the root of the issue.

"The human mind is designed to sabotage itself," she said. "We don't really like change ... Essentially, therapy needs to account for sabotage and to clear the problem at its root, and of course, have accountable steps for a person to follow."

4. You have learned helplessness

Some clients can get addicted to therapy, like a toxic friendship. The therapist isn't toxic, but this kind of relationship doesn't help anybody, Chong said. This is how people can find themselves in therapy for years, or even decades, without making much of an improvement, Neo added.

"If they are paying quite little for sessions, they don't care if it lasts forever," she said. "But you pay the price in terms of your sanity, your confidence. People learn how to be helpless and hopeless."

For instance, a therapist may tell their clients their problem is something they have to learn to live with, rather than conquer, which Neo said isn't usually true.

"You're trusting someone with your mind, your sanity and your wellbeing," she said. "If you hear you're going to have anxiety for the rest of your life, that's really disheartening."

Read more: 5 ways your body is showing you you're in the wrong relationship

5. Your therapist forgets who you are

"A lot of therapists have way too many clients," said Chong. "They're trying to do everything for everyone at the same time."

One of her clients, for example, told her his therapist forgot everything he'd said in previous sessions, so he'd have to remind them of the work they'd done every week.

In this case, it's unlikely the client will feel like therapy is really working for them, and they'll probably think their therapist doesn't really care. If you find you're often repeating yourself in sessions, and your therapist isn't taking in what you say, it's a big sign you should look for someone new.

6. Talking doesn't work for you

Sitting and talking about your feelings for an hour just doesn't work for some people, and that's fine. High performing women, for example, often don't want to talk about their feelings, they just want to get things done, according to Neo.

But therapists can be set in their ways about how to go about their sessions, so they don't adapt and learn with their clients, Chong said.

"They overintellectualize everything away, they talk about labels and they are rigid in that way," she said. "I've had coaches who were like this, and even though I told them it wasn't working for me, they insisted on it, and made me feel like I was being lazy."

Chong puts this down to the fact some therapists have an ego, and if their way of working has been effective in the past, they see no reason to change. In that instance, it's up to the client to find the expert who works for them.

"People look at therapists and don't think of having the right fit," she said, otherwise it's like "the blind leading the blind.

"The way I make things easy to understand for my clients is by using illustrations and videos," she said. "I use a lot of graphics to turn things into layman's terms. I adapt and learn, and that's why I have such a high success rate."

Join the conversation about this story »

NOW WATCH: Jay-Z is hip-hop's first billionaire. See how he and Beyoncé make and spend their money.

• You'll never know everything about your partner — and that's OK.
• But there are certain facts you should definitely know before things get serious. Think how much debt they have and how they feel about divorce.
• We checked out a Reddit thread on the topic and highlighted some of the most compelling questions.
• Visit Business Insider's homepage for more stories.

You will never get to know your partner perfectly. In fact, that's one of the beautiful things about being in a relationship: Your partner is constantly surprising you.

That said, there are some basic things you probably should know before establishing a life with someone. Over on Reddit, there's a thread titled, "What questions should everyone ask their partners before getting married?" Most of the questions apply to couples starting to get serious, and not just couples heading to the altar.

Below, we've highlighted seven of the most important questions from that thread. Read on and see which you still have to ask.

SEE ALSO: A relationship therapist breaks down the 10 most common fights couples have

Do you want kids?

That's a tip from IntoTheMystic1.

It's best to address the topic of parenthood sooner rather than later, so no one winds up resentful — or heartbroken — years down the line.

If you or your partner are (understandably) worried that having kids will change your relationship for the worse, you should arm yourself with knowledge about what helps parents maintain intimacy.

Some researchers suggest that there are certain "buffers" against marital disaster after the birth of a child, including:

• "Building fondness and affection for your partner"
• "Being aware of what is going on in your spouse's life and being responsive to it"
• "Approaching problems as something you and your partner can control and solve together as a couple"

Who will do the cooking, laundry, and housework?

That question comes from Back2Bach, who adds: "What can we do as a couple to divide the routine chores and responsibilities so that each feels they're making an equal contribution to the relationship and daily living?"

Back2Bach is onto something: According to a 2007 Pew Research poll, sharing household chores is the third most important factor in a successful marriage. (The first two are faithfulness and a happy sexual relationship).

In an excerpt from "Fast-Forward Family" published in The Atlantic, three researchers write that even today, women tend to shoulder the brunt of their family's housework.

The researchers also write that having some guidelines about who does which chores when can be helpful:

"The couples in our study who lacked clarity on what, when, and how household tasks and responsibilities would be carried out often said that they felt drained and rushed and had difficulty communicating their dissatisfaction in their lives. Spouses who appeared to have a clear and respectful understanding of one another's roles and tasks, in contrast, did not spend as much time negotiating responsibilities; their daily lives seemed to flow more smoothly."

How much debt (if any) do you have?

VanDriver1 writes, "It may not be a deal breaker in regards to getting married, but a $20k surprise after the wedding is not something you need to deal with."

An honest conversation about finances — especially about debt — is key before getting married, or even getting serious. As Business Insider reported, lying about your debt can potentially destroy your relationship.

For one thing, Valerie Rind, author of "Gold Diggers and Deadbeat Dads: True Stories of Friends, Family, and Financial Ruin," said, "If you're tying your horse to someone else's wagon, you need to know not only what's coming in, but what's going out."

What's more, Rind said, "You need to know how somebody runs their finances because that totally affects the whole picture."

How much time apart do you need?

"My wife and I like to go on trips/do stuff with just our friends, and we like to go on trips together,"says jdoe74. "We have married friends that can't ever seem to get permission to do anything."

Interestingly, spending time apart and getting some of your needs met outside your relationship may be exactly what your partnership needs.

In his book "The All-or-Nothing Marriage," Eli Finkel, a psychologist at Northwestern University and a professor at the Kellogg School of Management, recommends asking less of your marriage as a way to strengthen it. For example, maybe your partner doesn't crave late-night philosophical debates the way you do; maybe a friend does.

Finkel told Business Insider, "If you find yourself chronically disappointed in one element of your marriage, one of the really good ways of dealing with that is to think about: Is it really essential that I try to meet this need in particular through the marriage?"

What do you consider cheating?

AvieLikesThis writes, "There are those who believe looking at pornography or going to strip clubs is cheating. Bottom line is, everyone has different limits. Establish the boundaries, before getting into a marriage."

This question about infidelity has never been more relevant. As INSIDER's Kristin Salaky reports, "emotional affairs" are becoming increasingly common — and increasingly tricky to define.

Some signs that you're involved in an emotional affair include thinking about another person constantly and getting defensive when your partner confronts you about it.

And if you're suspicious that your partner's having an emotional affair, take note of any differences in their sexual interest and pay attention to your gut feeling.

How do you feel about divorce?

As chosenamewhendrunk puts it:

"I know this may not sound like a question you want to talk about, but 5 or 10 or 20 years down the track if things get difficult (and they will), will both of you put in anything and everything that is necessary or will one of you go 'eh' and cut their losses? Is there a point that neither of you can come back from? What is the deal breaker: infidelity, addiction, won't go to mother-in-law's for Christmas?

"It's not an easy discussion to have, but it's worth it."

Don't freak out if your partner says they're open to the possibility of divorce — or if you realize you feel that way. Susan Pease Gadoua, coauthor of "The New I Do,"previously told Business Insider, "When people see divorce as never an option, it can create some unhealthy dynamics."

That's because simply knowing that you have an "out"— even if you never use it — can be freeing. If you're staying in the relationship, it's because you want to.

How will getting married change our relationship?

"Some people feel the expectations are different when you're married than when you're dating, and others feel that they are the same,"says evelynrae. "It's important to be on the same page about expectations for every stage of a relationship."

Writing for the BBC, psychologist Christian Jarrett cites several studies suggesting that people's personalities tend to change after they tie the knot. For example, one 2017 Dutch study found that partners' levels of self-control and forgiveness increased over the first four years of marriage.

Still, it's important to discuss how you'll change and grow together if you're planning to get married, as well as what you're afraid of and excited about.

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Several years ago, Yale started offering a class on how to be happier. It quickly became the university's most popular course ever and then a viral sensation online. Which goes to show people's incredible, pent up desire to live happier, more fulfilling lives.

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• Signs of a strong relationship include responding positively to each other's good news and trying new things together.
• That's according to psychologists who have spent years studying the fundamentals of successful long-term relationships.
• Consider the following list a chance to evaluate the quality of your relationship — not a deciding factor in whether you should end it.
• Visit Business Insider's homepage for more stories.

Psychologists have spent years studying the traits that are fundamental to successful long-term relationships. We listed some of their most surprising insights below.

A word of caution: If you notice that your relationship doesn't meet all these criteria, that does not necessarily mean you should end things with your partner. Consider this list a general set of guidelines that can help you start evaluating whether your current relationship is bringing you satisfaction and happiness.

Here are eight signs your relationship is as strong as a rock.

SEE ALSO: 11 ways to ruin your relationship for good

You think about your partner often when you're not together.

In 2007, Stonybrook University researchers randomly dialed hundreds of adults and asked the nearly 300 who were married a series of questions about their relationships and how in love they felt.

Results showed that certain relationship characteristics were linked to stronger feelings of love. One especially interesting finding: The more often people reported thinking about their partner when they were apart, the more in love they felt.

The same study included a follow-up experiment with nearly 400 married New Yorkers, which found that difficulty concentrating on other things while you're thinking about your partner is also linked to strong feelings of love — especially for men.

You respond positively to each other's good news.

Business Insider previously reported that one litmus test of a happy relationship is how enthusiastically each partner responds to the other's good news.

A Psychology Today blog post breaks down four ways a man could respond after his partner tells him about a promotion at work:

• An active-constructive response from him would be enthusiastic support: "That's great, honey! I knew you could do it, you've been working so hard."

• A passive-constructive response would be understated support — a warm smile and a simple "That's good news."

• An active-destructive response would be a statement that demeaned the event: "Does this mean you are going to be working even longer hours now? Are you sure you can handle it?"

• Finally, a passive-destructive response would virtually ignore the good news: "Oh, really? Well you won't believe what happened to me on the drive home today!"

Perhaps unsurprisingly, the response that's most closely linked to relationship satisfaction is the active-constructive response.

You spend some time apart.

Over the past few decades, we've started placing increasing demands on our spouses. As Business Insider's Jessica Orwig reported, no longer do we expect them to be financial partners, protectors, and companions — now we also want them to provide personal fulfillment.

The psychologist who produced some of these findings, Eli Finkel, suggests that if you want to be happy in your marriage, it's best not to look to your partner for all your existential needs. Finkel recommends finding yourself in hobbies, friends, and work.

You have a similar sense of humor.

Neil Clark Warren, psychologist and founder of dating site eHarmony, previously told Business Insider that humor can be a "social lubricant" in a romantic relationship.

Business Insider's Erin Brodwin has reported that having a "private language" with your partner — like nicknames and jokes that no one else would get — can help facilitate bonding and often predicts relationship satisfaction.

You split chores evenly.

In one poll, 56% of married Americans said sharing household chores is "very important" to a successful marriage — that's more than the percentage who said having adequate income was very important. Chore-sharing seems to be especially meaningful to younger couples, with 67 percent of 18- to 29-year-old married adults calling it "very important" to a successful marriage.

But while men are doing more housework than they were in years past, research has found that women still pick up most of the slack.

You try new things together.

In classic research led by relationship expert Art Aron in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers looked at the relationship quality of more than 50 middle-aged married couples and assigned them to one of three groups.

One group picked new and exciting activities to do together for 90 minutes a week — like going to a play or dancing. Another group spent 90 minutes a week doing pleasant but routine activities together — like going to a movie. The last group wasn't asked to change anything.

After 10 weeks, the researchers reassessed the couples' relationship quality and found that those who had tried new and exciting things were the most satisfied.

As The New York Times reported in 2008:

"Dr. Aron cautions that novelty alone is probably not enough to save a marriage in crisis. But for couples who have a reasonably good but slightly dull relationship, novelty may help reignite old sparks."

You don't have a lot of extreme downturns in your relationship.

Researchers from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and the Pennsylvania State University at Harrisburg looked at nearly 400 dating couples. They used their feedback about their relationships to identify four patterns of commitment: dramatic, conflict-ridden, socially involved, and partner-focused.

As psychologist and relationships expert Gary Lewandowski explains, dramatic couples showed a lot of fluctuation in their commitment to their partners over time.

Partner-focused couples saw their partners positively and mostly experienced fluctuations in commitment when they couldn't spend as much time together.

Socially involved couples usually experienced fluctuations when their friends and family changed what they thought of the relationship.

Finally, conflict-ridden couples fought often and had a lot of mini-fluctuations in their level of commitment.

As it turns out, partner-focused couples were most likely to get more serious in their relationship, and dramatic couples were most likely to break up.

You know how to recover from a fight.

Psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman previously told Business Insider that the No. 1 shared trait among successful relationships is being able to repair the bond after a fight.

It's not about not having conflict at all — instead, it's about the way you approach it. Gottman told Business Insider:

"The thing that all really good marriages and love relationships have in common is that they communicate to their partner a model that when you're upset, I listen.

"The world stops, and I listen. And we repair things. We don't let things go. We don't leave one another in pain. We talk about it, and we repair."