- My boyfriend and I tried to stop using our phones around each other for a month.
- We didn't even last a week.
- But we learned how to make the most of our time together, even with our phones .
- We also learned how we can better recognize when to put the phones away.
Unless you're a monster, you know that it's pretty rude to be on your phone during a date. Yes, there are a few notable exceptions, but for the most part your phone should stay in your pocket.
But once you start dating a person seriously, the rule loosens a bit. You find yourself quickly checking texts, scrolling Twitter, and just generally playing around on your phone when you're with your partner. And once you move in together, all bets are off.
My boyfriend and I often find ourselves prodding and poking when the other gets lost in their phone and stops listening. I wouldn't say it's been a major problem in our relationship, but I've often felt guilty from scrolling when I should be spending quality time with him. But then an Instagram grabs my attention, and the guilt gets pushed to the back of my mind.
But once I learned about the trend "phubbing"— snubbing your partner in favor of looking at your phone— and how it can negatively affect relationships, I decided that I needed to at least try and make a change. As INSIDER previously reported, of the 46% of people who say they've been "phubbed," 22% say the behavior has cause strain in their relationship. I didn't want to be one of those people.
So, I suggested to my boyfriend that we try and challenge ourselves to stop being on the phone around each other for a month.
The rules were simple: When we were together,we couldn't look at our phones at all. The only exceptions to this were setting and checking alarms, and if we were hanging out with company. I was pretty confident that I could prevail here, but my boyfriend was not so sure.
"This is going to be a lot harder for you than it is for me," he said, with a straight face.
Turns out he was right, but we were both pretty awful at it.
I would love to give you a breakdown of exactly how our challenge went, but that wouldn't even be worth it. When I say we failed, I mean we FAILED. Epically. Immediately. Multiple times.
One of us would say, "well, I have to check this recipe" or "I have to check something for work," and the other would jump on their phones, forcing us to write the day off as a failure. It seems that technology is super prevalent in our lives — who knew?
But even in our immense failure, we still learned a few things. At least, I think we did.
We use technology as a connector.
The reason why my boyfriend thought it would be harder for me to go phone-free is because of how much time I spend on my phone when we're together. But not in the way you think.
I love to cook, so most of night is spent over the stove, looking at a recipe on my phone. When that's over, I love to sit down with my boyfriend and watch funny videos, read great tweets, and look up old Vines.
"I honestly was pretty cocky going into it, because I typically pride myself on being able to detach from my phone when I need to," my boyfriend told me later. And it makes sense that he feels that way, because so much of the time we spend on our phone is time we spend together.
This actually made me feel better. It's not like we were using our phones to ignore each other — we were actually missing that connection and activity we enjoy doing together.
When you try cutting something out, you only want it more.
I quickly realized that, just like when I cut refined sugar from my diet, quitting anything cold turkey is pretty much a recipe for disaster. Nothing made me want to show my boyfriend a cute Instagram dog more than knowing I absolutely couldn't — even though my phone was literally right next to me.
We realized that paying attention to how the phone use makes us feel, rather than placing stringent limits on phone use, would be a better motivator for putting the phone down and paying attention to one another.
We should have started small.
Eliminating our phones at home was a pretty lofty goal, especially for two people who work in media. But as my partner pointed out, eliminating phone use in just one room could have been a good place to start.
"We don't use our phones too much at night when we're in bed anyways, and I feel like that's the most important time to set down the phone and pay attention to your partner," he said.
It's true. We spend a majority of our quality time unwinding and chatting in bed. By then, our phones are tucked away and on their chargers. In the future, I can try to expand this mindset to other rooms but, for now, this is a great start.
I do not think that technology is the devil that everyone tries to make it out to be. But now that we've tried — and failed — at this challenge, I think both of us will be more conscious of our phone use, and make sure that we're not snubbing each other in favor of technology moving forward But we'll also embrace the times that technology has brought us closer together.
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