- A judge in Hawaii ordered a man to write 144 compliments to his ex-girlfriend after he was sentenced for allegedly calling and texting her to say "nasty" things 144 times — despite a protection order she had against him.
- This may seem like a snappy and creative punishment, but it could actually do more harm than good.
- This man was charged with violating a protective order to contact his ex, which may show that he could not leave her alone, even when the law was involved.
- Having him think more about her, even in a positive light, could be a problem.
A Hawaii judge is going viral for issuing an unusual punishment to a man who pleaded "no contest" to repeatedly contacting his ex-girlfriend, despite her protection order against him.
A Maui man, Daren Young, was sentenced by the judge for allegedly sending 144 nasty texts and calls to his ex-girlfriend despite her protection order against him, according to the Associated Press. As a punishment, Judge Rhonda Loo ordered Young to two years of probation, $2,400 in fines, and 200 hours of community service.
But she also issued him a bizarre punishment: He had to write 144 compliments about his ex-girlfriend.
The judge's punishment is disturbing because it encourages Young to keep thinking about his ex-girlfriend — something we doubt the woman wants.
The "punishment" was meant to be a tit-for-tat for all of the harmful messages that Young allegedly sent his ex, kind of like planting a tree for every tree you knocked down. Although many have celebrated this ruling as a great thing and something they wished that their exes would have to do, I was instantly disgusted and disturbed.
Young doesn't just sound like a guy who called his ex "crazy" to his friends; she had a protection order against him, which is not an easy thing to obtain. His ex wouldn't have gone through the trouble to get one if she didn't feel threatened by him.
And from what we know, it sounds like her fear was justified. Young not only pleaded "no contest" to violating the protection order — he allegedly did it 144 times. The woman made it extremely clear that she didn't want anything to do with him, even getting the law involved, and he didn't seem to care.
The just and fair thing to do in this case would be to distance Young as much as possible from this woman so she and her loved ones can begin to heal. Instead, the judge encouraged him to think about his ex at least 144 more times.
It's important to note that nowhere in the punishment does it say that these compliments will be given to this woman. In fact, the protection order still stands, and the man has agreed that he will not contact her again.
But as someone who's a survivor of abuse and dating violence, I wouldn't want to know that my ex was thinking about me, even in a good light — especially enough to have to write 144 compliments about me.
The man's alleged actions sound like abuse, so it's dangerous to encourage an already unhealthy fixation.
These types of punishments go off of the false assumption that abuse is just about hatred and anger. And a lot of times, it is. But in my experience, abuse is also about power. And sometimes that power can present itself in seemingly sunny ways, like being "over-protective" or just wanting to have you all to themselves — or incessant communication.
Abuse and stalking doesn't always have to look like a punch or a scream. It can also look like the inability to take "no" for an answer.
Alleged abusers and stalkers should not be encouraged to continue thinking about their victims. It's estimated that 6.6 million people are victims of stalking each year. Stories like this one may make for a viral headline, but when you think of the real human cost, it's quite dangerous.
I do believe in punishments that involve more than just probation and jail time — rehabilitation is possible and should be encouraged, especially in cases like these. But potentially causing a victim more emotional distress and encouraging an unhealthy fixation is not the way to go.
If you or someone you know is a victim of sexual assault or dating violence, you can visit RAINN or call its hotline at 1-800-656-4673 to receive confidential support from a trained staff member.
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