- I cheated with someone without knowing it.
- Listen to your head, even when your heart is tuning it out.
- Know your worth, and don't be afraid to walk away from people who don't.
- It's not your fault that you're a side-piece, but it is your fault if you stay as one.
When he and I first started dating, I was so excited to finally go out with a guy who actually made me laugh.
We met while studying abroad at the same school. We discovered that we only lived 20 minutes away back home, and it felt only natural to continue seeing each other in our home country. We had a few dinners, he met my parents, things were really great — so I thought.
He told me that he had a girlfriend prior to leaving for study abroad, but the distance had been too much and they broke up. He told me that he really wanted to give things with us a real try, instead of getting back together with his ex. There is nothing like the feeling of being on the cusp of a relationship — it's like walking on air.
Things continued quite happily for another month, when one day he stopped reaching out. He was suddenly working longer, later hours, and we stopped seeing each other. Soon after that, he totally ghosted me. I reached out one last time to see what happened and where he had gone, only to be met with silence.
A few months later, the Instagram post came. He and his girlfriend at a restaurant, having a final dinner together before he went back to school.
I had some wine, gave the post my heartiest double-tap, and retreated to my girlfriends to confirm to them what I knew the whole time. I was the side-piece, he was a jerk, and they were, in fact, still together.
Though the whole situation was disappointing, everything happens for a reason and I definitely learned a lot about people and relationships. Here are some things I wish I knew before:
Bringing up old flames that often isn't normal.
I definitely was caught off guard when he would mention his "ex," particularly because we hadn't been dating long enough for that to be a warranted conversation. As goes with most things, if someone talks about something, that thing is likely on their mind. Ex-girlfriends are no exception, even if the comments aren't necessarily positive ones.
Someone who really cares about you will make the effort to bring you around.
People typically don't share things that they don't want you to be part of. If someone talks to you in a positive way about their family or their hometown, but never offers to bring you around in person, you can assume something isn't right.
Many people would be wary of this, but I was none the wiser and thought nothing of it. She — of course — lived in the same town as he did. Despite telling me that his sister thought I was pretty and that his mom asked about me, I never got to meet them. Now I know why.
If you see an ex's name on their phone, run.
This is where your head and your heart might be at odds with one another. If you see an ex's name on your SO's phone on more than one occasion, that's your cue.
Of course, there are always exceptions, but it's better to be safe than sorry and ask if they're still close with their exes, and if that's not something you're comfortable with, or if your gut feeling tells you something's up, trust your instincts and walk away.
Be honest with yourself if someone just isn't that into you.
This is a catch-all dating warning: if somebody seems to not be making their best effort to see or speak to you, walk away. Whether the reason is that they have someone else, they're too busy, or maybe they simply don't like you, don't waste your time.
It's fair to need closure, but the silent affirmation that someone is immature enough to ghost you should be all the closure you need. Dust yourself off, and move on to the next.
Remember, it's never your fault if you're cheated on or with, but it's your choice to stick around. Be skeptical, ask the important questions, and know your worth.
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