- Hugging and kissing are pretty important in a romantic relationship.
- But taking your physical affection to the extreme right at the beginning of a relationship could be a red flag.
- It could mean you are overcompensating for the other more important aspects of a healthy relationship that are absent.
- It could also mean your partner may be abusive.
- Every situation is different, but it's worth thinking about what's left when the dust settles and you want to continue your relationship past the honeymoon phase.
Physical affection is what separates an intimate relationship from a platonic one. It's a vital part of the equation that brings people closer together, along with trust, healthy boundaries, and honest conversation.
But too much affection at the beginning of a relationship can be a red flag. For example, a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found how couples who were overly-affectionate from the start of their relationships were more likely to divorce than those who weren't as over the top.
The researchers followed 168 couples for 13 years to try and decipher some of the long-term signals of divorce, as well as the signs of a long-lasting, healthy marriage.
The newlyweds who divorced after seven or more years were "giddily affectionate" towards each other, the authors wrote, and were a third more affectionate than the couples who were happily married for longer.
Relationship psychologist Claire Stott, who is currently a data analyst for dating app Badoo, told Business Insider the findings of the study are interesting, but not that surprising.
"It's quite well understood that being overly affectionate can be a sign of overcompensating for kind of a lack of communication or trust, or having a relationship that's high quality," she said. "This type of thing is not usually sustainable. If you think about it, having a relationship that's incredibly intense affection-wise, it's really hard to maintain that."
Rather, it's normal for passion to die down after a while of being together, and there's nothing wrong with that, Stott said. But if you are overcompensating from the beginning, it's a sign the relationship isn't going to last — mostly because it's going to be more obvious when the passion fizzles out.
"Most people are okay with there being a honeymoon period and it ending, it's usually not a dramatic end, its a gradual thing," Stott said. "But if you're overly one way to begin with, that honeymoon period can feel like it's dramatically ended when it starts to decline — you're going from one extreme to another."
A good, solid relationship is built on honesty, trust, and affection too, but affection isn't enough on its own. And everyone has their own differing levels of affection they are comfortable with. So "if it seems too much, it probably is too much," Stott said.
"Long-term, you don't need that level of affection to keep it working, it's the other factors that come into play more like honesty, communication, cooperation and trust."
A good relationship I think is a slow burner.
This isn't to say passion and physical affection are bad things. Everyone likes to feel wanted, and hugging and kissing are simply the most obvious signs you enjoy each other's company. But it's important to remember there's no rush, and being intimately close to someone can take time — and that's fine.
That being said, there are some instances where affection can be a red flag for toxic behaviour. One of the first signs a relationship is emotionally abusive is the way someone acts right at the start.
To reel in their potential partners in, abusive people use a manipulative tactic called love bombing. They shower their new love interest with gifts, compliments, and physical affection, only to start taking away once they've got them hooked.
Their partner then starts to blame themselves for their shift of character, and does everything in their power to try and get their soulmate back — although that person never existed. This includes doing everything the abuser wants, and neglecting their own needs.
If you feel like a relationship is progressing too quickly for you, there's no harm in taking a step back and slowing it down. There's nothing wrong with getting to know someone at a pace you're comfortable with. Equally, if you don't get that mad rush of feelings and butterflies straight away, it doesn't mean you won't fall in love.
"A good relationship I think is a slow burner," Stott said. "It's not necessarily one that's going to be super intense at the beginning. It's one that's going to gradually build as you get to know each other."
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