Emotional availability is something that can help you and your partner connect in a real, authentic way, so if that’s something that you value in your relationship, knowing how to spot the signs that your partner might not actually be emotionally available is important.
Not everyone who’s emotionally unavailable will be ready or willing to work on things, but addressing it with them is very important, Rachel Hoffman, LCSW, couples and sex therapist, told INSIDER. If you notice some of the signs that your partner might be emotionally unavailable, suggesting counseling and gently explaining what they’re doing that you think is putting up a wall between the two of you might help.
1. They’re unable to describe how they’re feeling.
When someone is emotionally unavailable, it can be really difficult for them to describe how they’re feeling, even if you ask them directly.
"So I ask you, 'Well, how are you feeling right now?' and what they can’t say is, 'I’m frustrated,' or 'I’m sad,' or 'I’m disappointed,'" or even something that’s a description of a feeling, for example, 'I feel like everything’s piling up,'"Steven M. Sultanoff, PhD, a clinical psychologist and professional speaker and trainer, told INSIDER. "That doesn’t present an emotion, but when someone says, ‘I feel like everything is piling up,’ you can infer the emotional experience that they’re feeling— overwhelmed or overloaded or something like that."
2. They’re not good at showing affection or receiving yours.
Showing affection can sometimes be difficult for a number of people, for a number of reasons, but having a very difficult time showing you affection can also be a sign that your partner isn’t as emotionally available as you’d like.
This also applies to them not being able to receive affection from you. "It's not just that they forget your birthday or don't know your shoe size,"Sara Stanizai, MA, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told INSIDER. "But maybe that when you show appreciation for them — through a text, a gift, or taking their car to get washed — they don't recognize that you're showing that you love them. Not giving affection is one obvious sign. But being unable to receive affection is a less obvious but just as telling sign."
3. They change the subject or make fun when you bring up something emotional.
If your partner is emotionally unavailable, even talking about emotions that aren’t theirs can be uncomfortable for them.
"They may belittle, mock, or 'laugh away' serious topics that are introduced and engage in gaslighting, a form of emotional abuse that causes the victim to question himself when, in fact, he is entitled to ask the normal questions he is asking,"Dr. Kendra Kubala, PsyD, a licensed psychologist, told INSIDER. "This can lead the person to call his victim, or others overall, 'dramatic' or 'oversensitive,' rather than discussing the topic at hand or validating the partner’s feelings and experience."
It can be really difficult for you to feel like your partner is making fun of you for feeling the way you do or avoiding discussions about emotions that you’d like to share with them. Talking to them about what’s going on might help them understand what they’re missing — and how they’re hurting you — when they do this.
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